Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

The thing is I know all the anti-bullying theory as I used to be a developmental psychologist and a primary teacher. I can talk about how to stand up to people till the cows come home but when it actually comes to the situation I crumble. With that boss it wasn't really bullying, it was just her being a bit of a shit and it was impossible to sort out as she just wouldn't accept responsibility for it. In the end I just let it drop, it wasn't worth the hassle.

I must admit it's an aspect of my character that I really dislike. It means that I stop myself from doing things because I'm scared of where it might go.

Like at the funeral there was a cousin I used to be really close to there, but hadn't spoken to for years. I just stopped keeping up contact. I felt really guilty when I saw her with her little girl, who I haven't even met, but I just couldn't bring myself to go up to her and say 'Look I know we haven't spoken for years and I'm so sorry, how are you? I'd like us to keep in touch' because I was so concerned that she'd be angry or upset and spurn me, and it would be a horrible confrontation etc. So I said nothing. I'm so pathetic. I have no courage.

I don't deal with important stuff (bills etc) well either.

All this is stuff I have to sort out before I'm too old. I just don't know where to start.

It's things like this that actually really get me down because I see them as legacies of my abusive past that have become deeply entrenched in my character and my motives, and my thinking, and their not necessarily apparent to anyone else, but they cause me a lot of difficulty and grief. Sometimes more than thoughts of the actual abuse itself.

Feel like crap had an awful night tossing and turning, bad dreams woke up this morning with migraine and glands up got DS out to college took codeine and back to bed just woke up and took more anyone know how often your meant to take them couldn't remember if its 4 or 6 hours between. Also looks like i've missed a good drying day bloody typical.

I think it's going to rain soon Dotty of course it depends on where you are, I suppose. It's been raining ages here, yuck! Clothes are soaking on the line.

Sorry you've had bad dreams. Me too last night. Drink lots of water and fruit juice and stay in bed if you can.

Hate being unwell usually take Imagran for migraine solves it pretty quick but can't take them now.

Sorry you're unwell dotty. Don't feel bad about having to take a day out, it's totally understandable given all the stress you've been under lately.

I am having a pretty shit day. Nothing major really, took DS out with a friend and her daughter earlier, we had a nice time, some lovely lunch but then when we came back DS just would not nap. He normally has a nap of an hour or more so you can imagine what he's been like. I am utterly wrecked, as is he. DH won't be home for another hour or so and all I want to do is escape. I'm very used to having the break of the nap and without it I find the day so long, plus DS is just bursting into tears at every little thing because he is so tired. Just one of those days. I'm surprised at how much it's getting to me really, I feel about ready to explode.

Oh Mists, you're not pathetic. If you don't know where to start, why not send an email/letter to your cousin and just be honest - tell her you were too embarassed to come over at the funeral as you feel guilty for having left it so long, but you're sorry, you'd love to know how she is and to keep in touch.

We shouldn't beat ourselves up for being a bit crap at confrontational situations - it doesn't help. It has really helped me though to do the 'small steps' thing - choose the least scary confrontation you can have (maybe saying 'actually, could I have a table by the window?' in a restaurant?) and practice.

Maybe this is something we could support each other in?

Cailin, sorry it's one of those days, hope the wee one settles soon. I'm one who finds it difficult to let people see me emotionally and tend to comfort others before I admit things are affecting me. I think being a teenage mum caused me to have a lot of negativity aimed at me so I just accepted people would have a go, I've had random strangers verbally attack me for being a young mum so I probably have the "well they're an arse, not my problem" chip on my shoulder.

Avalon, big hugs, I think Berts is right, maybe a letter would be good, that way if she rejects you it's just an unanswered letter/e-mail. I've lost touch with family and tried to get back in touch only to be told where to go but hopefully you'll have better luck and be reunited, you are lovely they'd be daft not to get in touch.

Has everyone added thier support to these

http:/www.mumsnet.com/Talk/in_the_news/1461674-Mumsnet-will-you-tell-the-woman-that-Ched-Evans-raped-that-We-Believe-Her-And-call-upon-the-FA-to-kick-sexism-out-of-football

and

http:/www.mumsnet_campaigns/1458433-Funding-for-Rape-Crisis-centres-what-do-you-think

I'm going to try to write a letter to the FA as a rape survivor, any help would be great as I don't know where to start.

done the rape crisis one, actually upset some bugger over my views on it don't give a crap though without them I don't know if I'd be here now wasn't aware of the other one but will add my support x

old thread is full new one here

I've added my support.

Good news is, I've had some nice food and I'm feeling a lot better :)

Cailin that's good I went down and got someting to eat and drink at 5.30 my heads still banging and neck and throat is sore hot and aching as well if I didn't know better I'd say it was start of flu. Really want some chocolate but don't have any unless I rob DD2's leftover christmas stuff.

Ugh that sounds rough dotty. Is there anyone around to pamper you? Could you steal the chocolate and then replace it later? I have no morals when it comes to chocolate

Can't buy chocolate santa's now got rid of all the cakes and chocolate as was starting back on SW today probably sweat the weight off at this rate {sorry tmi}

Having a fever is rotten. Do you have plenty of painkillers?

Have prescription 30/500 but have to be careful knocked me for 6 today took second lot to soon the stronger ones are 6 hourly not 4 oops.

solphadol that is codeine and paracetamol

Thanks Berts I think it would be great if we could support each other to better handle minor confrontational situations. One step at a time seems like a great idea because it does seem like an overwhelming issue to try and deal with all at once.

coffee Your family have missed out majorly! Their loss love, I'm glad you're here though!

I've added my support. I cannot believe after all the campaigns in the 80s raising awareness of rape, changes in the law to make it illegal to hit and rape your wife, that women are still given such a hard time and made to feel ashamed for outing a man who has raped them - just because of who he is.

Dotty I hope you feel better tomorrow. (hugs) Night.

Avalon, that means so much to me I'm actually crying. most people are glad to get rid of me

Berts, helping each other is a brilliant idea.

Dotty, plenty of water and fruit juice as Avalon says, hope you feel better soon.

Cailin, with you on no chocolate morals :o

I'm joining the feminist section, there's so much I don't know but I understand about feminism and have been discussing it with my psych. I feel like it will make a positive difference to me and hopefully others.

I'm actually feeling really lost and alone at the moment. I don't know what's wrong with me possibly I'd like someone from my family to help with the pain, a hug, a tear even, just someone who knows me to be upset that that happened to me, so selfish in light of Ched Evans victim, but no one in my family cares a hoot I was raped, everyone just laughs at how much of a loser I am and how I've failed at life and never achieved anything. My mother did nothing when I told her. I am nothing, just pain.

Coffee no comparng yourself its not selfish at all having these feeling wish I was close by i'd be there for you. Well not atm wouldn't want you to get what I've got. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for family like that aren't worth having as they say you can choose your friends but not your family [mores the pity] xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Coffee, just remember that you're a much better person than any of your family. You've had the strength to survive childhood abuse, you were a teenage mum - which is really hard! - and you've come through it all to be a good mum and a good person who is still working hard to build a good and happy life for yourself against massive odds. Be proud of yourself!

Sending massive hugs and x