Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

My partner isn't quite understanding either, thinks I spend too long on mumsnet anyway and thinks the support thread is making me weird. I'm trying to explain that it's making me think and evaluate my life, but i think he just thinks it's making me moody. But it's his lack of understanding that's making me moody!

Dotty, you need to talk to your DH, doesn't sound like he's fine.

I just had a big row with DS, he was trying to read me a poem for his course work but I was faffing with something. He got really upset about all the times I've "spaced out" he was 12 when I had the breakdown, 16 now. He could just be being a stroppy teen but he is insecure about it. God he must have felt so alone, my heart breaks I've hurt him so much.

After that post Avalon, I think he might just be being a man :o

Plink I don't know what's wrong really I'm up and down.

Avalon DH doesn't know I'm on this thread.

Got my next session on friday and also been trying to. Get in touch with DC left messages but I know from the past they don't get passed on.

I was faffing on mn doing something really important.

Avalon, it's great having you here, you are fabulous, caring and lovely. Maybe your DH is wanting you all to himself for a little bit :)

But you're there for him now Plink. I'm sure he knows that you love him more than anything in the world. One day he'll understand and appreciate how much you've been through. Don't blame yourself for the breakdown. You were ill. Would you blame someone for getting Cancer and being so sick they couldn't look after their kids?

No. So don't blame yourself. xx

Unfortunately DP is huffing and puffing so I'm going to go as I'm getting really pissed off and I can't have an argument at this time of the morning. Sometimes I actually yearn for the days when I was single and alone.

(hugs all)

Dotty, maybe he needs reassurance you're still there for him, hugs for him from you even if nothing else, just hold him close, he'll be worried about the court too.

Wanting me all to himself my ass. He just doesn't want me doing something he knows nothing about. He's reading his book. It's not like were going to have some deep moving conversations or anything. He just doesn't get social online networking although he's big on socialising in real life. Oh god he is moaning now. God I hate this. Going to go. See you tomorrow

We do hug Plink that's as far as it goes he tries touching me but I cringe.

But we used to be naturists and he seems to think I'm ok with going on holiday to a site just now told him but he never remembers SFA last thing I want is to walk around seeing naked men or me being naked around anyone.

Oh crap Avalon, sounds like my DS, bloody moody men, aren't we allowed mates, bet he's paranoid you're discussing him :o

Dotty, I could not do naturism. I would be firm and say maybe he needs to rethink your holiday ideas. He should not be pushing you to do it if you're uncomfortable.

Morning everyone. Sorry I wasn't around last night. DH usually goes out on a Wednesday night and I love having a bit of time to myself but he was tired last night so he came home early. I hate when he does that! Sounds like all our OH's are annoying use at the moment! I do get the impression that it annoys my DH how much I'm on MN but he daren't say anything

How is everyone doing today?

NHAN I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. Of course we believe you.

Morning Cailin and everyone.

NHAN - I believe you. We believe you.

Dotty, Plink, Mists - I hope you are ok this morning.

Plink, I can and still do beat myself up about my suicide attempt. My daughter will never forget me being taken away in an ambulance. My Mother panics when I don't answer the phone. I left a very self-pitying note saying I was "a shit wife, a shit mother and a shit person". At least now I'm divorced I can strike out the shit wife bit .

I may not be able to post much. Today is chemo day for my son. Sometimes he gets really sick, sometimes he doesn't. I blooming hate the hospital. I can't get a mobile signal for love nor money!

Take care all. xxx

I'm so sorry TOTU, I thought from your previous post that your son was in remission. How are things going for him? What sort of cancer does he have?

TOTU sorry about your son all my troubles pale onto insignificance compared to that sending all my good wishes for his speedy recovery xxxxx

Thanks everyone

So sorry Totu. I hope today is a not sick day, thinking of your son.

Hugs to everyone

Dotty, Cailin, NHAN - sorry to have worried you.

It's hard to explain. He has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia (cancer of the blood) so really, he is in remission but he still has to have treatment until August. If they stopped treatment now and just one rogue cancer cell was left, it would multiply and he would get the cancer back.

And nothing pales into insignificance. He was unlucky. He got cancer. But we're beating the bloody thing and God willing, it will be gone forever in August. In fact, I'm sure of it. His prognosis is excellent .

I just like to moan about it now an again

Thank you lovely ladies. And now I am off. See you later. xxx

Oh I'm so glad to hear the outlook is good TOTU. I hope your day goes well, and that it's a not a sicky day for your DS :)

Hey - I have been reading the thread and used to post on here some months back. This new thread has been as heartbreaking as it is inspiring.
However, I am not sure if I belong here. I was abused as a child by my step father....and emotional abused by my mother. But I am not SURE if what my step dad did was abuse....certainly not to the level that some of you poor people went through. Though it was bad enough to make me take lots of painkillers in secret from the age of 12, sniff solvents as well, cut myself and generally want to die.

Basically, he used to watch me in the bathroom. There was a row of windows at the top of the bathroom and he would stand and watch me bath, go to the toilet, dry myself, shower etc. It would humiliate me. Sometimes he would try to hide, other times he would make it obvious he was watching me. He was very very strict and and mother supported him and I never said a word about it. My mother would tell me to behave and do what he wanted because he 'took us on' as a kids. As i got older I realised that he would say inappropriate things to me...your bust is really coming on' ' your body is like a woman's now' and the oddest one that turns my stomach 'you have tiny entrance holes to your body - so small'

He never really touched me. But I know he liked to watch me....I have panic attacks still on occasion. I have no contact with them now. I remember my mum touching me inappropriately when I was 4/5 - though I think it was about power not sex.

I wasn't raped, I wasn't made to do things. But still I feel like I have been abused and I hate that feeling of him watching me all the time. He would tell me to go to the bathroom for a strip down wash....and watch. Yet he didn't do anything. I feel so confused.

That is a form of abuse yes

Thanks for posting idont. Yes, that is abuse. I'm so sorry it happened to you. It should never have happened. Your mother was complicit in the abuse in the sense that she was aware it was happening and didn't stop it. It doesn't matter that it was different to what others experienced, it still affected you very badly and was a total invasion of your privacy and safety.

How do you feel about what happened these days?

Are you ok idont?

Thank you cailinDana and dotty.

I think I can be much the same a many people that have suffered something like this. I have a few months where it is a past memory that I think of all the time but can push it to the back of my mind. It is always there, everyday, every hour quite frankly. It is the first thing I think of when I wake and I replay and replay what I should have said/ done every night in my head before sleep. I often dream of telling everyone what happens and they laugh or tell me I am lying...

Then I have the bad times. I feel like I want to cut myself, I cry (in private) and get so angry I smash things (in private). I hate myself not saying anything. 2 years agao I cut contact with them. My brother pressed me on what happened by text and I responded and told him the bare facts of what happened. He never responded and has not had contact with me since. My worst fears came true - he didn't believe me.

So now I have my husband and children and no family. I can feel when a dark phase is coming on and that is when I come back on here - to know I am not alone. My husband is supportive - but I cannot talk about things. I have not had councilling because I physically cannot speak about it. I 'told' my husband by showing him emails i made to the samaritans when I really felt like I wanted to end my life. It went on from when I was about 10 - 17 years. I sometimes feel llike there is more but I don't remember.

Totu, hugs for your DS, glad things have a positive outlook.

Idon't, the bathroom I grew up with had a glass door! and I would get told off by my mother for putting a show on. It's horrible and a disgusting invasion of privacy. So sorry you're here but glad you are finding us some comforting, hope you stick around. x

I am knackered, my feet are on strike and demanding to bathed in the warm waters off a tropical beach, they'll be lucky. If it's warmish tomorrow I might go for a wild swim, bliss. Saw some of my family today, didn't speak, I was upset then angry. 2ish months until I possibly get a visit from my mother, oh the joy! [sarky face]

My moods lifting a little heard from DC with an update so I know what's happening but as you can understand its confidential information. Psyching my self up to go to shops ran out of milk.