Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Good update Dotty?

Afternoon all I have made it up with moody DP. Blah! Well at least it wasn't just my DP.

Guess what I had for breakfast? Tomato soup with buttered toast. I'm awful and it's all your fault girls.

TOTU thinking of you and your DS lots today. I'm glad you're able to think positively.

idontbelieve We used to have a lock on our bathroom, but if you had a penny you could slide into into the groove of the lock from outside and turn it and open it. He used to walk in exactly when I was undressed, and say dirty things like 'what have you got that I haven't seen' 'stop acting like a scared little girl, you've got a woman's body'. (notice how all these paedos have the same lines)

Sometimes he'd attempt to wash me with the flannel. I felt totally humiliated and powerless over my environment and not safe. Thinking about it makes me sick.

I'm sorry your family don't believe you. It's a double blow from the abuser, who isolates you firstly emotionally from your family by forcing you to keep your violations secret, and then finally physically, by their refusal to believe you and further lack of contact.

Its really nice to see support threads like this.

I was sexually abused whist growing up by My Step Father, I was never believed and ended up in care, Although I have dealt (if thats what you can call it) with it, The most heart braking thing I've had to face was finding out that My son at the age of 10 was being abused by an older Male (15) who lived nearby, It had been going on for months and i didnt know, He was 11 when he confided in me and it was like my worst nightmare had come true.

I'd just like to send you all some big hugs!

Hi Angel, so sorry that happened to you and your DS, it's awful, how are both of you doing? hugs, xx

I'm sorry for my swearing but

We're fucked, royally fucked!! All because I was too weak and stupid to get rid of my mother when she turned up at my door.
There is now a social worker who thinks i'm a liar and not a fit mother, she thinks my mother and sister came back into my life because they are worried about my sons and this proves to her that i'm not ok. My mother and sister know nothing about me and are totally insane!!
I'm going to lose my children now :(
I haven't done anything to lose them, just got upset.

They said people in spirit told them i need to be careful or i would lose my children. My sister said social services have quotas and were going to take my children to fill them. They said if I talk to anyone i'll lose them.
I had to phone the police to get my mother to leave, she went as soon as they answered, literally ran!!

I really have no idea what to do or who to trust anymore. I'm not mad and i'm a bloody good mother. I'm just finding it hard to manage with 2 little ones, breastfeeding, 2 dogs, a million things to sort out and hardly any sleep.
My mother was meant to be standing as guarantor for me so i could get a house and get away from my ex and his arsehole parents. Now i'm back where i was but with more people thinking i'm crazy

Shit Nhan, keep a log of the police incident, if SS arrive talk to them, I honestly don't know what they would do, ring womans aid and shelter.

You are not a liar, try and keep strong, you were right to call the police.

Nhan, I don't know what's happening with your ex but with mine I was in their property, they were pissed off, I went to womans aid, that day they had us out of there. We had the option of going to a complex type place, each woman had her own place, there was a main office and they helped with kids stuff and mum time. I got offered help from my family so didn't take it and went home instead, not a clever choice. Hope you get some help soon.

PlinkPaSta/ Mists - I just don't get it really. I felt a chill when when Mistofavalon wrote what he said to her.....so very real to me. I guess what you went through was the next step. You poor woman.

I also remember he had changed the loft door to perspex in the bathroom...once I saw a red light flashing through it and I knew he had set up a video cam. I'm horrified at the thought of him watching things again and again....or putting anything online. I remember his computer breaking down once and my mum said to get it repaired or to dump it and he went mental about 'bank details' on it but I knew it was more likely the stuff he watched.

I sometimes wonder if I could make an anonymous tip to the police to search his pc. Would that work????

I had a bit of a shock today- I saw my abuser in the supermarket. He looked straight at me and smirked.

Am feeling a bit wobbly.

That's awful moonriver :( How are you doing?

Idont, I'm not sure about making an anonymous complaint, I'm not really clear about how these things work. Perhaps you could ring Rape Crisis and ask them for advice? What a horrible shit your stepfather was.

NHAN why do you think you're going to lose your children? Why do you think social services will take them from you?

Idon't, I'd echo what Cailin says and ask rape crisis, sounds like it would fall under CEOP (Child Explotation Online Protection?) or the police child protection unit?

Moonriver, hugs.

Hi Plink, We are doing ok thank You, We dont talk about it much anymore but my ds knows I will always be here to listen if he needs me. I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that he has coped with it a lot better than me due to being believed? I struggled to cope when I was Younger and a lot of it was down to not being believed I think, Along with being a victim I was also branded a liar by family and friends, My ds has always had Me and others who have told him from the start that what happened to him was wrong. I feel guilty sometimes when I look at my ds and see how well he has dealt with it all compared to how I dealt/dealing with things. He is 15 now and we had maybe a year of bad behaviour etc but now he is settled well. He doesnt go out much and spend time with friends as much as he should but he is happy.

Moonriver that is terrible! I have had to face my abuser a few times now (maybe I shall talk about that another time) but i know how scary that feels big hugs

You're right Angel, being believed will have made a massive difference to him. In fact I think being believed can really help a survivor to genuinely put what happened behind them. He was unlucky to have come in contact with the abuser but he was very lucky to have you as a mother. I would urge you to bring it up with him again sometime though - he might want to talk about it but is unsure about how to broach it or is afraid to upset you.

Why do you feel guilty when you compare yourself and your DS?

Definately phone rape crisis they are wonderful there.

After my massive crash yesterday I'm now ok hopefully means my crashes will all be over quickly I had to go shopping and forgot my earphones and coped ok.

Don't know if getting the reasuring phonecall off DC that's helped normally speak to her every 2 weeks but its been longer this time and now I know things are moving forward.

Got another session at Rape Crisis tomorrow not been for 5 weeks. Nearly finished unless it goes to court.

Dotty - when I was coming out of my really bad depression I noticed that I would have ok days and then crashes. Over time the crashes got shorter and shorter until I just didn't have them any more. I now have bad days but they're manageable - they're just the same as anyone else's bad days. Hopefully the same will happen for you. It's a really good sign that you were ok shopping without your headphones.

I'm glad you got that phonecall from the DC. How are you feeling about facing the session tomorrow?

Angel that's terrible did you get any justice for your son.

Moonriver that's horrible that was one of the reasons I had to do this I was always bumping into him at mums house she never had the courtesy to tell me he was no longer working monday-friday but only to wednesday. [Sad] doesn't surprise me about her reaction.

cailin I think Guilty was probably the wrong word, I just feel that when i look at My ds that I probably could have handled it a bit better, I went completely off the rails for a lot of years.

dotty after months of interviews with police, ss etc it was decided there was not enough evidence, which resulted in me having a nervous breakdown. I lost my kids, my house, everything. I sent all 3 of my kids to live with their father 15 miles away as I did not want them in the same (very small) village where we were all likely to bump into the abuser on a daily basis, Then I lost my house as it was a 3 bed council house and obviously I could not live there on my own. I moved in with my now oh and within a year my ds was back living with us, He was struggling at school, behaviour, not getting on with his dad etc. My other 2 kids still live with their dad but I have them weekends and lots of contact through the week. They are settled there at school and happy so i would never take them away. I was told in the street by strangers that I was a bad mother for 'giving my kids away' but I have no regrets, I had to get them away. I lived with my dp for 3 yrs in the same village (my son also for 2 yrs) before we have eventually sold and moved. It is like a new lease of life for us all :)

That's makes me so Angel when DD2's bf was 13 her grandmothers partner abused her and it was 1 occasion but he was prosecuted he did everything but rape her she was provided counselling and everything same unit that's handling my case. She is almost 17 and still an extremely shy nervous girl who I adore.

Its that I know far to many girls and women who've been abused.

Thanks Plink. My ex always said he would fight for custody of them if I went into a refuge or anything. I guess he was just trying to control me but its still hard to let go of that.
They are all a bit useless, just keep arranging meeting and doing nothing, while I stay here and get more and more stressed due to what his family are doing.

Cailin because my ex has always threatened it and worked very hard to make people believe i'm nuts. A social worker and family support worker in the past said he would be more likely to get custody because he has a supportive family (they're not but act it in front of people) and I don't. Also now my mother and sister have said I need to be very careful or I will lose them.
There is no reason except that i've felt suicidal before and asked for help. Apparently asking for help is wrong. My children would be far better if I just pretended I was fine.

Oh well, its not really anything to do with this thread. It was just the fact that I couldn't pretend I wasn't really fucking fuming about how my mother has treated me all these years. I can't just act as if I wasn't abused. I was and it fucking matters!!

Moonriver how shit. How very very shit. And he has the audacity to actually be smirking too, bastard! I'd like to ram my shopping trolley right up his a---- and wipe that smirk off his face on your behalf.

I hope you're alright. I daresay you feel very shaken. Treat yourself to something good that will cheer you up if you can.

Idont That's terrible about the computer and him actually filming you! Where do these bastards come from, seriously? I am getting angrier and angrier when I think about all these people getting away with all the hurt they've caused. I think Rape Crisis is a good idea - I've never tried them- but they'll probably know about the law in these cases, as I am willing to bet he accesses some quite inappropriate stuff online. A man with a habit like that doesn't just drop it IMO.

AngelWreck (hugs) lots of them. You're a great mum. Your kids are lucky.

NHAN I hope the SS incident doesn't progress to you losing your children.! Why do you think that is likely?

You won't lose your children all this should be taken into consideration PLEASE don't listen to the poison being spouted from your so called family. Xx

NHAN I'm no expert on these things but once SS are involved in your life it can then become very difficult to then get them out of your life for good.

The abuse thing and SS, I don't know. I can tell you that just confiding in my midwife that I was abused and feeling depressed meant that I got a cold call by social services one week after giving birth to 2nd DS. Just like that. I had never had any dealings with them before. Never any concerns about the children by doctors, Healthvisitor, friends or neighbours.

They made 3 more visits and then left as they could see the children were fine. But I've never forgotton the fact that they just assumed there might be a cause for concern with my children because of my past.

Thanks, that helped!
For the record I am a very good mother and they were never involved because of me.