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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex / boyfriend accused Of domestic violence, sons father getting involved, HELP!!

21 replies

101evie101 · 16/04/2012 14:07

My boyfriend was accused of assaulting me in Nov we were not allowed to have contact during the trial due to bail conditions, I have no recollection of what happened and still love him. The case was dropped as the witness that accused him did not turn up.
We want to get back together but I have a five year old son and his father is threatening going to social services.
I really don't know what to do my son loves my boyfriend as much as I do but I don't want SS involved, advice please!!

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 16/04/2012 14:09

Why do you have no recollection?
What was he accused of doing?

Who is more important to you, your son or your boyfriend? Would you give up the one for the other?

Dont be scared of SS - If you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/04/2012 14:13

He must have hurt you pretty bad if you cannot remember what happened. Poor you. Poor your 5 year old.

Your ex is right in contacting social services if you and your boyfriend get together again. Can your son perhaps live with his dad if you value the relationship with a violent man over your son? I think that is most fair on the child, if the mother is unable to keep herself and her child safe from violence in the home.

Good luck.

Pooka · 16/04/2012 14:15

Right, so the crown prosecution service felt that there was sufficient evidence against your bf to take to trial.

I presume this wasn't just eye witness account - there must have been injuries consistent with assault but you don't recall how they happened?

Police must've felt witness was genuine to proceed.

. Why do you not believe the polce's case?

If I were your ex I would also be pretty worried.

OracleInaCoracle · 16/04/2012 14:16

I agree with Quint.

and welcome to mumsnet.

curiositykitten · 16/04/2012 14:16

Wow.

Who accused your boyfriend of assaulting you? What is he suspected of doing?

For me, there's no question, your son should come first every time. I'm totally on the side of your son's father if he feels your son is at any risk.

zookeeper · 16/04/2012 14:19

If your boyfriend is violent then your ds is at risk of harm, physical and emotional. If you are resuming a relationship with him then your ex would is right to get social services involved.

I wonder if you are minimising the violence.

Babylon1 · 16/04/2012 14:21

What others have said really?? Who is more important to you?

If there is the slightest doubt that your BF DID assault you, whether you remember it or not, then your ex is right to contact SSD and have an investigation out of duty of care for your son.

Original poster
101evie101 · 16/04/2012 14:25

We had been for a night out, I had drank way more than I should have and we ended up arguing, a witness later came forward saying they had seen him assault me. Although he hasn't been seen since his statement.
My boyfriend has never been violent before and it was only an eyewitness that took it to court, I know it sounds really bad but I had no injuries. My ex knows my boyfriend and they have never got along. Obviously if it came between my son and my boyfriend my son would come first, it just feels like everything tries to keep us apart.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/04/2012 14:31

Let SS do their job. They are there to check whether or not there is reason to fear for your son's wellbeing. A prosecution for DV, even if the case was dropped, certainly warrants their involvement.

Involvement does not necessarily mean that arrangements for your son's care will change. Just that SS need to check the situation out.

it just feels like everything tries to keep us apart.

Who or what is trying to keep you apart?

Original poster
101evie101 · 16/04/2012 14:36

Thanks,
It's a bit of an awkward situation with friends disliking each other and my sons family don't like him I think they always hoped I would get back together with my sons dad but that will never happen, as he had an affair when my son was a baby.
I know I should move on but it difficult when you love someone.

OP posts:
diddl · 16/04/2012 14:37

Do you become argumentative when you drink, then?

Or was he shouting at you for drinking too much?

I´ve been very drunk & so has my husband-didn´t lead to us having an argument-we get silly & find everything funny.

QuintessentialShadows · 16/04/2012 14:38

Stop loving this man, and move on. You sound a right pair, getting drunk and arguing/fighting in public. If nobody likes him, maybe they are right, and you are blighted by "love"?

curiositykitten · 16/04/2012 14:38

You were so drunk you can't remember if your boyfriend hit you or not???

I'm not surprised your ex is concerned.

Original poster
101evie101 · 16/04/2012 14:43

I have stopped drinking since the incident as I blacked out half way through the night, unsure if my drink had been spiked.

OP posts:
winnybella · 16/04/2012 14:43

How long have you been together?

Original poster
101evie101 · 16/04/2012 14:45

Thanks for everyone's help I try my hardest with my son, I was looking for advice, not for everyone to pass judgement, thanks again

OP posts:
HoudiniHissy · 16/04/2012 14:46

Perhaps you ought to consider allowing your Ex to have custody of your son?, that way if you DO drink to oblivion and can't recollect if someone hits you or not, your child will not be damaged in the ensuing jeremy kyle mess.

"Obviously if it came between my son and my boyfriend my son would come first" Erm WHEN would that be exactly? this guy is prosecuted for assault, it goes to trial and you are STILL allowing him access to you and your son?

Get me a phone I'll call SS myself... Hmm

gobbledegook1 · 16/04/2012 14:47

Sorry but it all sounds very fishy to me and your story in my mind just doesn't add up, my understanding from being on the receiving end of an assault from my ex is that they can only prosecute if the victim themselves is willing to press charges. I had the marks to prove what happened to me and he admitted to it when arrested and even then they could not take him to court if I wasn't willing to press charges they would have had to let him go. So from my experience of DV the only way this would have gotten to court would be if you had wanted to press charges against him yourself which means at the time you must have believed he was capable of such a thing and if that is the case then why in god's name would you want him around your son?

Original poster
101evie101 · 16/04/2012 14:56

No he has not seen my son yet since it has happened so I'm not that bad I wanted advice first not judgement

OP posts:
curiositykitten · 16/04/2012 15:01

What kind of advice are you wanting?

People have told you not to get into a relationship with this guy.

HoudiniHissy · 16/04/2012 15:02

You need to stay apart. Your son needs to be put first.

If there is the merest whiff of violence, the BF needs to be got rid of. Don't live with him, don't involve DS with this guy.

Your Ex is well within his rights, and is being responsible if he thinks his son is going to be living in a DV situation.

Get counselling. Just you. I worry that your self esteem is low and you are an easy target for undesirable people.

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