New relationship and he can't perform

[DissatisfiedDeirdre]

I've met someone a couple of months ago who is lovely, gorgeous, sexy, wonderful etc.

We have tried to have sex a couple of times and it's been a disaster. He doesn't get fully hard, loses his erection during intercourse and can't ejaculate. He has put this down to having had too much to drink on the occasions we've tried to have sex but I don't think this is really the problem. He doesn't seem to realise he's not fully erect so I think he's possibly always had this problem. I can hardly tell him what other penis' feel like though.

He takes citalopram which I think is probably the main cause of his sex issues.

I could really fall in love with him but I don't want to be in a sexless relationship. He is staying over tonight and although I'm really looking forward to spending the evening with him and sharing a bed I am dreading the sex part.

The kissing and touching is lovely, but it either leads nowhere and we go to sleep (and I feel frustrated) or we have 10 minutes of thrusting, apologising and then awkwardness. I am being sensitive but it is obvious that he feels under pressure to perform and I feel frustrated, which are both making the problem worse probably.

We don't just do penetrative sex but I can't climax with him because I don't feel turned on while he is so obviously not aroused.

I've suggested seeing his GP which didn't go down too well.

It's a bit harsh to end a relationship for this reason especially when everything else is so good. It's a problem for me though and as far as I can tell it's not much of a big issue for him.

Deirdre,

I was in a relationship like this years ago. I thought I'd be able to handle it, but I ended up cheating and then I finished with him because of that.

I just wanted to feel wanted, and he didn't make me feel that way. I thought it was down to me and that he wasn't really attracted to me and I couldn't handle it.

It's not a great feeling at all hence my advice to get out now before you fall in love! I knew from the start it wasn't right in that department (never had a problem before) and foolishly kept ignoring my "you can have a good relationship without natural sexual chemistry" instincts.....I should've left the relationship after a year. I didn't and now there is a child involved and I want to leave.

Sorry for your situation. Do you think you could be just friends? Or better to cut and run? It's such an awkward and upsetting experience or both people when erection problems etc happen. You feel frustrated and then feel guilty for feeling frustrated, you have to try and deal with it sensitively as it must be an awful thing for a man, must make them feel so unmasculine.....yet, you deserve to have a natural and fulfilling sex life with someone you fancy or love.

God, I really do feel for you. Wouldn't be so bad if he was an arsehole yes?!! Easier to walk away :)

I think part of the problem is that some antidepressants don't just suppress the ability they suppress the desire too. This is probably why he is making you feel like a pest. My DH has been on a variety of antiDs and they have pretty much all given him ED with some of them he still had the desire - so we used viagra successfully but with others (citalopram and seroxat) the desire went too so he was completely disinterested. In retrospect there were a couple of comic moments with him lying there with a massive viagra-induced erection, reading a book. It is funny thinking about it now but you can imagine how I felt.

The point is though that my DH accepted that this wasn't right and went back to the doctor, it seems very strange that you new chap doesn't seem to accept there is a problem. Maybe after 3 years, he has forgotten what desire feels like?

I'm ending it Heyyyho. I thought I would be pulled up for being a heartless cow on here, but talking about it and seeing that it really isn't worth the aggro in everyone else's opinion either has helped me make mind up.

LetsKateWin, this is my first relationship after 15 years with DC's father. Sex with him was pretty good - he was a stud compared o this bloke anyway. New man has been telling me how much he thinks of me and how he wants to show me off to all his friends and it felt so good to be appreciated. It is preying on my mind that now he's seen me with my clothes off he is turned off and doesn't want me anymore.

Feels really shitty

I don't think we could be just friends emptygirl and I'm gutted about that. We socialise with the same group of people and he was always my favourite person to be around, not just because I fancied him, but because he's great company. I feel embarrassed being around any of them now. Our friends were happy for us when we got together and they are going to ask why it's ended. I can't tell them, it's cruel. There's just going to be a horrible atmosphere when we're together now. It's partly why I didn't go to the party tonight - I feel really stupid.

I'm impressed you managed to get a child out of DP. There's no way that's happening in this relationship. It would be easier to get blood out of a stone than to get sperm out him.

Vicky at the viagra erection book-reading session. I understand why it made you feel like crap though.

I don't know whether he has any desire or whether he suppresses it out of embarrassment. He used to have better erections (or at least they felt better) when we used to lie on my sofa kissing. Maybe he didn't feel under pressure to come then so could 'let go' a bit.

He's not really passionate at all anymore.

This is nothing to do with you, please don't think that, he just has problems.

Don't avoid your mutual friends, if they ask qs just fob them off with something bland like you just went off him or things just didn't click after all (!)

There will be someone who is better in bed and just as nice!

Thanks Dozer

I'm going away for the weekend for a break from him and our friends. We are all neighbours so I can't avoid them forever but I could do without talking to any of them at the moment. I've tried phoning him tonight to tell him I'm off tomorrow and he's not answering. He's probably pissed and asleep by now.

Well bollocks to him. He's not man enough to shag me and not man enough to talk to me about it. His problem!

If anyone should be embarrassed it's him, honey, and I suspect that he'll be relieved if you draw a polite veil over his inability to get a hard on your 'differences'.

If asked by any of your mutual pals why it's 'off', just shrug your shoulders and say 'it may have looked good on paper but we discovered we didn't have a lot in common' and leave it at that.

Be your usual bubbly charming self when/if he's around and your ill-fated attempt to get it on (in more ways than one) with him will simply be a 5 minute wonder that'll soon be relegated to the back pages.

Don't ruin your break by obsessing over him - if he's got any sense, I daresay he'll contact you before your return to discuss damage limitation to his rep.

As for him not fancying you once you've got your kit off - bollocks to that theory. The short long and the short of it is that he's got a physical problem and even the likes of Dita Von Teese wouldn't be able to get a good shag satisfactory response out of him

3 years on Citalopram could certainly kill libido and ability to orgasm. What dosage is he on? How's his mental health these days? Does he have any plans to come off? It's quite a long time to be on it. Seems a shame if you get on so well and coming off this SSRI could change things a lot for him. Has he had talking therapy to learn how to manage his depression?

It does sound like this isn't going to go any further, shame if you liked everything else about him, but obviously if it's making you unhappy and unloved nothing's worth that. But I was interested that you said 'we tried to have sex a couple of times' because if you've only tried a few times it could be that things will develop as he gets more comfortable being with you.

My DP is a shy guy and we had this go on for this the first couple of months we were together. Blokes get performance anxiety I guess. It was very frustrating at the time, and it was hard to know what to do, it took him a few months and then he seemed to relax around sex with with me, things gradually got better, and now we have a brilliant sex life.

I'm not saying he's the same though, it sounds like it could well be the medication he's on. Just wanted to share my experience in case it was useful.

He's obviously a sensitive guy and like the other posters have said, some guys do get huge performance anxiety. And once Mr Floppy has made an appearance it's harder (excuse the pun) for them to get it up the next time as they worry they won't and then the cycle begins, he gets frustrated, you get frustrated and you have to find a way to stop it. He is probably embarrased about the whole thing and feels like he's not "man enough".

It is definitely not your fault and I'm sure it's not that he doesn't fancy you. Don't blame yourself. Just put it down to one of those bloody annoying things and try and move on. Shame that he wouldn't try and sort the problem out, but that's some men for you, they can't face emotional things head on and just push it under the carpet.

You sound pretty pissed off about the whole thing already, so imagine if you were a year or two down the line! It would cause all manner of problems.

I was pissed off last night. This morning I just feel sad. I still haven't heard from him which is unusual so it looks like he's had enough as well.

Thanks everyone. You've helped me explain how I feel and you've made me laugh as well

That's good, through, really. This isn't worth the hassle.

Erection issues = sortable.

Childishness, withdrawing, blaming, refusing to have an adult conversation about an issue which is (quite reasonably) bothering the other partner = not sortable.

Dump!

I feel like a bloody pervert lying in bed completely naked and horny and gagging for it while he pisses about looking for his pants to put back on

This would also be a bother to me... does he give up on you and your pleasure when he falls flat ? It doesnt sound like he is willing to make any effort at all for you

Have a good weekend!

Emptygirl your post actually made me cry because you've worded exactly how I feel. I'm in a very unfulfulling marriage and although I love my DH dearly (and I know he loves me) it is all very platonic. It's not something he would discuss. It's a very lonely place to be. OP it's best that you have walked out of this relationship.

Coming late to the thread, but just to reinforce your decision to split up.
If he is taking citalopram he should not be drinking that much and he should control it.
That alone should ring alarm bells.

mental-health.emedtv.com/citalopram/alcohol-and-citalopram.html

Yes OP, sounds quite a boozer to me and coupled with AD's hardly surprising he can't get it up.

Think you've made a very wise decision and had a lucky escape.

It sounds to me like he really fancied you alright - but he has problems. It would have been a long, tough road to walk. I don't think I would have the patience to be honest. I think you have made the right decision here x

Thanks everyone

I am well gutted this evening. Seems my 'lovely' boyfriend has been talking about me behind my back. DS isn't here tonight and I have gone and got a bottle of something and I feel like going round to his house, kicking his door in and beating him up. I won't do it obviously. It would be stupid.

I was out with mutual friends last night. He wasn't there. We've barely spoken and have no plans to get together again - it's over basically. His best friend pulled me to one side and said something like "oh you want to watch that X, he's been talking about what you're like in bed". I actually bloody cried. Then went back to my friends, cheered up a bit, and then after a few drinks thought I'd find out exactly what was said. I was sure I was being wound up but no.

He has made such a fool of me.

I'm fucking gutted.

He has made a fool out of himself, no one should share sex stories like that.

However, if you want to fight fire with fire you will probably find you are not the first gf to have complained about erection problems.

Be careful of his best mate telling you aboyut the sex thing though - that sounds like a nasty bit of shitstirring to me.

He's the one with the problem. He can slag you off all he likes but deep down he's ashamed and embarassed of the problems he has, and the next girl he sleeps with he'll have the same issues. So fuck him. He wants to cover for it with lies and bluster and if his best friend took you aside and told you about what was being said he obviously thought that a) his friend was being a jerk and should be avoided b)it wasn't true and/or c) you are a decent person who didn't deserve to be spoken about like that.

He's probably all in a panic and thought he'd better say some stuff before you did. He thinks you're on his level and would do that.

I would never slag him off sexually. Not even now.

I know he did it. What was described was accurate.

His best friend is a complete twat. He was saying "I really didn't want to listen to any of it" and all that shit, but he was almost shaking with excitement and kept saying "is that true, is that what you did". Fucking pervert.

Why the hell do men do this shit?

what an idiot....and thats what your mutual pals will think too. You're the one your friends will respect, not him. chin up!

...apart from his best mate that is....prick!