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Original poster

After divorce, first date in 40 years.................advice needed, please.

30 replies

ANewDoll · 04/02/2012 06:25

Divorced XH at the end of 2010 after nearly 40 years together (because of OW). 18 months on, I am emerging from a dark hole of despair and want to live my life again!

I have recently been asked out by someone I have known casually for the last year or so. We get on well but this "date" puts a completely different complexion on things!

The date is next week and I am a little anxious about the correct protocol for the occasion (especially when the evening is over) e.g. do I offer to split the bill, is it a peck on the cheek for a goodnight kiss, who makes the first contact after the date, etc. etc.? Help!!!!!!!!

Any advice offered will be gratefully received by this 60 year old who has not dated for 40 years!

OP posts:
wrigglytummy · 04/02/2012 07:57

Hi ANewDoll,
I was petrified before my 1st date after separation, here are my thoughts:
Offer to split the bill, but if he insists on paying let him, do not get weird about it.
You will know what feels right, a peck on the cheek, a hug, a fleeting kiss on the lips. There is no pressure, you do not have to do anything.
I personally hate the game playing text thing. If you want to text or call just do it. My only advice is to keep it light, cheery & short. Don't panic if he delays his reply, he might be playing it cool.
Wear something that you feel comfortable in but are confident about how you look, then you won't be fussing about pulling you top up etc.
Take it as an opportunity to do something for you, go out, enjoy Timor evening, it is not a long term contract, no promises are made. If it dies not work out, he has had the pleasure of your company for an evening & you have hopefully enjoyed a bit if flattery and fun.
Good luck, enjoy it.

Original poster
ANewDoll · 04/02/2012 08:55

Hi, wrigglytummy,

Thanks for the very useful tips. I have butterflies in my tummy and am a little bit anxious but also, looking forward to it.

How did your 1st date end up or would that be too personal to ask?

OP posts:
feedbackforfree · 04/02/2012 09:01

Anewdoll - well done you. I hope it is the first of many dates with lots of lovely interesting men. After so long in one relationship, go forth, enjoy being single a while and take your pick.......

wrigglytummy · 04/02/2012 09:15

1st date ended with an unexpected snog Blush, next one ended with no physical contact at all, bug I saw him for a few months.... So I guess you never know, just go with the flow & only do what feels right for you.

wrigglytummy · 04/02/2012 09:15

Bug? But! Not awake yet, sorry

Original poster
ANewDoll · 04/02/2012 09:30

Well, the thing I miss and crave most is a comfortable companionship (you know, the sort of snug comfort yoou get from bedroom slippers!) and if that is what I end up with from this relationship, I will be a very lucky woman indeed.

wrigglytummy - snog? It has been so long that the word is not even in my vocabulary anymore but please watch this space in case I need any more hand holding!

OP posts:
wrigglytummy · 04/02/2012 09:55

ANew, I didn't think it was in my vocabulary either, took me by surprise... But it was fun & lovely.
I absolutely get the companionship thing, if we are lucky we might find that aswell as passion & excitement, here's hoping!
I'm hoping to organise a first date with a new man later this week, let me know how yours goes.

Bossybritches22 · 04/02/2012 10:01

Anew nothing to add but have a fab time and enjoy yourself you deserve it!

springaroundthecorner · 04/02/2012 10:12

Wrigglytummy's advice sounds spot on so someone else here with nothing to add except wanting to say Have A Brilliant Time!

ThePinkPussycat · 04/02/2012 16:11

Am 60 later this year, will be divorced in 12 days time (hooray!), not planning on any dates or anything, but wanted to add my support and to enjoy your life vicariously

Original poster
ANewDoll · 04/02/2012 21:12

Thanks for the support, everyone, gladly appreciated.

Just had dinner with a good RL younger friend and she jokingly reminded me that I may have to have some "protection" ready in my handbag - just in case! Shock Blush HELP!!!!!!

PinkPussycat - what a coincidence - I will be 60 later this year too and am hoping to live my life to the fullest, having wasted 40 years of it. I had not been planning on any dates either - this particular friendship just grew over time. This time last year, I would have laughed cynically at the idea of a date but perhaps it was because I was still grieving over the breakdown of my marriage. What a difference a year makes! Perhaps we will be exchanging stories in the not too distant future.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/02/2012 21:22

Hey, you havent wasted 40 years of your life... it has all been experience, even if it wasnt all good.. and as our life expectancy keeps increasing, the next 40 are ahead of you :)

slowginny · 04/02/2012 21:25

Have a ball doll but most importantly, tell us what happens!

not that I'm living my little life through the cybernet....

AdLibitum · 04/02/2012 23:10

If you fancy him and want it to go somewhere, let him pay on the first date!

ThePinkPussycat · 04/02/2012 23:13

Course you haven't wasted 40 years, and neither have I. My life to date has had very many good things in it. Not so many feature stbx, though.

Original poster
ANewDoll · 18/02/2012 07:55

I promised an update so here I am!

We are on our 6th (yes, 6th date tonight!) and it is going well. It is all going at the pace I want as he appreciates and understands exactly how I feel after spending almost 40 years with one person. He also gets that I may still be a little bit raw inside and in his own words, I could possibly still be in the "all men are bastards" mode!

We have had meals together and seen a show. There have been no awkward silences and we have had a few giggles! You remember how nervous I was at the beginning of this thread and you guys came on with such solid advice? Well, he said that he was in the same boat, nervous and apprehensive, and felt like a teenager on his 1st date, worried that he was going to say or do the wrong thing! The only thing was that he did not have Mumsnet to help him!

wrigglytummy - thanks for your tips - I offered to split the bill but he declined. It was a peck on the cheek after the first date and I texted him as his car pulled off to thank him for the evening and he texted back when he got home (so no mind games there!). You were so totally right - do what comes naturally!

So, ladies, it is all good at the moment - I am contented and comfortable with the way things are going and I think he is too, after being on his own for over 5 years. I am sure I will be back for further advice in the near future!

OP posts:
Original poster
ANewDoll · 18/02/2012 07:59

ThePinkPussycat - hope you are coping OK and that the past week with the divorce has not been too traumatic. Look after yourself and if you want to rant, hey, I've got the T-Shirt!

OP posts:
Heyyyho · 18/02/2012 08:11

Oh good luck to you lady!

beachyhead · 18/02/2012 08:23

Just wanted to add my congratulations and hope you carry on having a great timeWink

ThePinkPussycat · 18/02/2012 14:15

Well I am not sure whether I am actually divorced yet. Sol applied on 6 weeks+1 day after decree nisi, but don't know if court has processed it yet. Am in negotiations with narcissistic cocklodger over divorce settlement, I think we'll get there...

My cousin is roughly my age, wants to get back on internet dating scene, as a widower he misses a close female friend to have a laugh with Sad

Am looking forward to it being just me and the cat. Then maybe I can get on with some work...

ThePinkPussycat · 18/02/2012 14:16

no not back on the internet dating scene - he misses the company of women and is considering that new fangled device, the dating site. He's a master of fb and flickr, though :)

Bossybritches22 · 29/02/2012 08:13

anewdoll

Just caught up with your update-how wonderful for you I hope you continue to have fun with your new man and if things develop even better!!

fiventhree · 29/02/2012 08:37

Met a lovely lady on the train last Autumn who had been married since 62, after an awful crap previous marriage.

She said they were the happiest years of her life.

SeizingLife · 29/02/2012 08:53

Hi ANewDoll, only just seen your update, brilliant to hear that you are having fun (I was Wriggly but have now namechanged).

Heleninahandcart · 29/02/2012 12:18

Yay! good for you, you've brightened up my day. That's lovely news, enjoy every moment Smile