Its all gone tits up and I just dont know what to do?

[Itsallgonetitsup]

This is bloody long! Back story married almost 10 years. Together 18. 2 DC 11 and 13.

H has history. Xmas 2007 I discovered he had been shagging anything with a pulse behind my back. He was meeting women on the internet and meeting them for sex (oral/anal/"normal") in our family car in car parks and deserted laybys. The gutting kick in the teeth is the amount of women was absolutely shocking. There were over 300 contacts on his mobile which he had accumulated over the previous 4 years! He had (and admitted to) shagging around for 4 years behind my back and then coming home and sleeping with me.

At the time of my discovery I thought our marriage was OK ( yes I was that naive). I had issues with myself. I was a size 24/26 and miserable. I hated where we lived at the time (H is army so we move house alot) and I was unable to get a job. Looking back I think I was bordering on depression before my vile discovery. I knew our sex life was pretty shit, because of my weight issues and self esteem issues at the time.

After my discovery I went into a kind of traumatic shock. H moved into the barrack block and I tried to sort my life out for me but was just in such an emotional mess it was hopeless. I dont know why or how exactly but somehow me and H got back together and decided to try again. We have moved house twice since and the first time was a good fresh start for us. Things were intially better than they had been for a while but there was still hurt and trust issues on my part. I sometimes threw this in the face of H when it hit me like a steam strain from time to time. No one really knew we split. Kids were told dad was on a course as were most relatives (but as no one lived nearby there was no need to say much). Work mates of Hs were just told we were having a trial seperation. I am now angry when I look back that H never had to face up to what he had done to anyone other than me!

Anyway, 4 years on and I am size 10. Feeling fab about myself on the whole. I have been unable to get a "proper" job due to our 2 house moves since and my lack of proper qualifications but I am on a 2 year college course which had opened up my world and until recently was helping ME gain more self confidence and self esteem, because as you may imagine, after what happend, my self esteem was on the floor.

Things have been a bit tough on us as a family this past 18months. H has been away a fair bit with training and deployment. I have started to look at H differently. The trust has gone, I look at him and feel dissapointed in him and to be frank have lost all my respect for him. 4 years on I still cannot believe what he did on such an enormous scale. His disregard for my sexual health (thankfully I had the all clear as did he back then), his disregard for our family happiness and his obvious lack of respect for me at the time and his just plain selfishness really pisses me off.

I dont enjoy sex with him anymore. Tbh, we now use condoms because I have had so many issues with the pill but I dont really want to ever have sex with him again without a condom cos I will never trust him again. Although attentive to me in the bedroom, I just seem him as a dirty bastard just out for any form of sex he can get. It turns my stomache. He makes me see sex as something vile and dirty. I have images in my head of his face whilst he was doing whatever it was he was doing with the women in our family car.

Weirdly on the whole none of this hurts me anymore. I no longer cry. I am sort of desensitised to it.

So, recently dunno why or when exactly. I felt something had changed and for the 1st time in a very long time! Probabaly since we moved here over a year ago, I found myself rifling through his jeans.

I found a sim card for a mobile ( I have another thread somewhere). I also discovered alot of unexplained mileage on our car that has occurred in a timeframe when I was not about for several hours and he knew I would not be about for several hours. I have also found empty MSN Hotmail files in the depths of our computer. Last time he conducted his extra marital sex through MSN, Hotmail and websites like Face Party and Plenty of fanny fish!

I have nothing concrete. Although I strongly suspect. The window of opportunity for him to find time for anyone else is not going to happen now until mid January (assuming he uses the days I travel to see our DC at boarding school, as I suspect he has been) as they are due home next week for almost a month of christmas holidays. So it will be hard for me to find out for sure.

Pathetic that it is, this man can lie for Britain! He can talk himself out of any shit and he will. I want and need to know what he is upto and tbh, to wait until after Xmas to find that out suits me cos of the kids and because it is Xmas.

My problem is. I have become so desensitised to this life I feel like I have lost sense of reality. His cheating is makeing me feel a little down but why am I not devestated? crying? reacting in someway?

The shittiest part of all of this is I am desperate to leave this time but I just dont know how to. I am in a place miles from family and life long friends. I have been following my H around the world and the UK for 15 years. I dont know where home is, I dont know where I will go. I have made myself so stupidly dependent and vulnerable. I have become the dumbass service wife, living off her H and having no career of her own. Although I am at college retraining I hate my course and am on the verge of leaving as I hate it so much and am having a self confidence crisis. I have no job. We as a family owe tax credits several thousand pounds. I feel trapped.

How do I leave and how do I become self sufficient. I have been looking and applying for crap jobs since we moved here. Have had 2 intereviews. The whole area has high unemployment. I have recently restarted job hunting again with a renewed vgour incase I pack in my course but there is little to even apply for.

I dont know how to live my life anymore. I feel trapped and miserable.

I dont know what I want anyone to say, or do, but advice would be helpful I suppose. Please be kind and not too harsh on me cos I am really quite low at the moment.

I cant believe my life has turned out as shit as this.
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Also the WO on camp can sort out removals, priority LA housing wherever you go. SSAFA can sort out money for furniture, benefits.

You've actually got it a lot easier being a forces spouse, then people in your position on civvy street. You just can't see it yet.

I just need to pluck up the courage to speak to someone in RL. Its pathetic but that seems massive at the mo. It going to be like admitting it is real.

I'm sure people know what a tosser he is. They'd have been on tour with him. This will be known about unofficially anyway. But I get that.

Bubble, I have often wondered what others think of him and fear you could be right! I think in a way he uses me and the kids for an attempt at a "good family image" when all he really wants to do is have sex with anyone else willing.

Thank you everyone that has replied. All your thoughts and input is helping, i think.

I am going to go and surf elsewhere on the siter or internet for a bit before I go to bed. This is so heavy and hard for me I need to detatch myself from this thread for a bit before I head off to bed. I will pop back tomorrow or later in the week.

OP I don't know anything about the forces side but as an ex secondary teacher if you are going to move schools it would be better to move this academic year if your child is in Year 9, that is before Year 10 and GCSEs. If you have no ties can you focus on finding an area with a good school and work towards that? I know easier said than done. But it might give you a focus? You have the rest of the year to plan (academically probably not emotionally). You will work it out, I think what I am trying to say is you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment, if you could work out what might make ok or even good eventually ,you could work towards it.

I was thinking the same way as daylily. Also, you say your oldest has won a scholarship for next school? Does she still get that if you split/lose CEA? Could she use that as a day pupil if you moved near to school?

You do need to talk to people who can help you look at all the possibilities for you (including what YOU want), with all your circumstances (which you don't really want to publish here).

Your kids must have some idea that all has not been well with you? I wonder if they would prefer to be with you than board, i.e. put up with school change to be with you anyway. I had a school friend whose parents split up, then moved to different places and she went to board... I remember her feeling like a spare part at the time, and would have preferred to stay with one of them. Not the same situation, as yours already board, but perhaps you see what I'm getting at? You can't second guess how they'd feel if they had all the info (i.e. splitting up).

I am not sure how to say this.... but, I have a verbally, emotionally, mentally, financially abusive 'D'H, who I was terrified of, for years! Things eventually came to a head but unfortunately, for various reasons, it is seemingly impossible for me to leave right now.

But I have got myself a job, (oh I have money in the bank but he froze the account! so I have to work to feed myself and our daughter), and I am making friends, I can come and go as I please and I am no longer afraid of him!

What I am trying to say is, can you detach enough from him to make your life more tolerable until the circumstances change?

I don't know anything about how things work for army families, but... if you live far away from your children's school anyway, would it not be possible to leave them there while you move closer to your family? Or would that be too far away from their school? If you don't get divorced immediately, would the CEA continue until you do or is one of the requirements for you to live together with your husband? Does their school ever hire matrons? That way you'd live at the school and would only need a place for holidays.

It's good that you've recognised you can't go on with his cheating. Although your situation is complicated, it's useful that you're clear about this. And well done on your weightloss, it's an amazing achievement and must have taken hard work and willpower.

Op can have a 3 trial separation.

The idea is 3 months is a trial, you may all get back together, everything is still available. For this 3 months he is in blocks wife is in MQ.

If however op leaves, separates and moves out of mq, they will become officially separated. Even if she were to lie and say it was a permanent home from them both. Not advisable as someone got banged up for this recently. Either way CEA stops.

It is designed for forces who move around, so the kids can get a continuity of education. With all the moving. If you separation from the serving spouse, you are no longer at the beck and call of the forces. So the cea stops, not halves, it just stops.

The only exception is if the serving spouse has full residential custody. So the children would qualify for CEA as they are at risk of continual moving.