Fell like we just bicker a lot like brother and sister.... whats your marriage like?

[sittingupstairs]

Husband just come in from work. We bicker straight away ;(
Just feel miserable as we bicker over silly things alot. I said i preferred it when he is at work so he has gone downstairs now to watch tv in a huff.

We dont have any passion, he doesnt make my stomach go, we havent slept with each other for over a year (have a baby)

What do i do?

Well, the first year or so with a new baby is tough, tough on you physically/emotionally and tough on relationships.

You need to work out what is born of tiredness and the daily grind of work/baby, and what isn't.

Do you get any time together alone? Can you ever turn around the arguments and just laugh about the pettiness/trivial things that spark them off?

I think the first year after having a baby is the hardest.

Men often feel 2nd best and build up resentment towards their partner who quite rightly is devoting most of her time to the baby.

As a result the woman will often feel unsupported and unloved. She may have body issues and feel like she is trapped in a world of nothing but babies.

I think it's important to discuss the way you feel and also allow him to discuss his feelings without being judgemental or angry. Many men find the whole concept of babies hard work and if struggling should be allowed to say so without fear of having their heads bitten off.

The sex issue is a tricky one. Getting this back on track after a year won't be easy but you need to make a joint effort to bring intimacy back to the relationship. If this is not addressed then their is a big danger of affair or you splitting up. This happened to me so I speak from experience.

It's amazing how people find it easy to express their feelings on message boards but so difficult talking to the one person they should find it simple to talk to!

Good post Maleview70

Oh dear, poor love! The first year after having a baby is really hard. You need to keep talking, make an effort to be kind to each other and make a wee bit of time for your relationship as husband and wife not just as Mummyvand Daddy.

It is difficult but don't fall into the trap of constant sniping- it gets to be a habit (I've seen it in friends). Speak to your husband, tell him (non agressively) how you feel. Make a plan together to sort things out.

The sex issue may sort itself out if you work on the other issues.

Good luck to you both.

How do you resolve a pattern of constant sniping? And op like the others have said do not underestimate the strain of the first year after a baby. Try if possible to have some alone couple time, dates etc. That can help

An the sniping...my dp and I got into that at times and I found what helped was to make a real effort to stop and not join in. Then his comments were just left hanging... I then started being kind. Doing thoughtful little things. Saying thank you for little things. And he started joining in. That worked.

But, when things get stressy, for example work overload or lack of sleep gets on top of us, I see it creeping up again. Like a bad habit. It gets worse the more you join in though.

i know how you feel, i was in the same situation untill recently, my little girl is 3.5, and in the last 14 months i have had sex once, so although we don't snipe and bicker anymore, the sex hasn't got any better, so make sure you try to work something out now, or else you'll be in my position in 2 years time. sorry no advice to give, but don't want you to leave it thinking it will just get better like i did.

Thanks, sorry i should have said this is our second child! To be honest our relationship changed after we had our first. We love her so much and we do have fun with her but she has always been challenging and so it is stressful. This started it off (although if maybe more honest what really started my resentment was finding out he was on online chat sites before then)

We do get on well so its not all bad but it just feels like he is my friend. It feels so odd thinking about sleeping together now after all this time. After my second child we didnt bother much either. He has never really been that sexual which i have always found odd for a bloke.

I am the one doing most of the sniping i think and he is the moody one, probably as i am sniping.

We spend a lot of time together but maybe this means the boundaries have just moved so we are more friends?