Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

rosemarie so sorry to hear the news about your dad! Is this sudden? You must feel awful right now :(

Thinking of you x

Thanks Cen, yes it was sudden so plane ticket booked for tommorow night and fingers crossed he will still be with us! I just find all this so much harder to manage now without a partner. Well I guess if I get through this phase of my life, and we don't really have any other option do we, but to get through, then I'll feel able to handle anything. This thing with my Dad has made me think however about how much more I need to focus and start enjoying my life again. So when I get back house is going on market and I'm making a new start!!

rosemarie hope things go as well as they can for you with your dad.

Dee re the new baby thing, could you suggest that maybe DS just have day contact with his df round about the time the baby is due, i.e. no overnights just in case wife needs to go to hospital through the night. Other than that, contact as normal, with HIM making a back up plan for care for DS during his access times... a friend or family member who could take ds until you are free.

It's going to be a hard one to navigate because you, understandably are going to feel very vulnerable during this time. DS could also feel confused, especially if stepmum goes into labour and everyone is panicking. Your concern has to be what is best for him.

In your position it is really difficult to step back from the situation and think about what is really best all round, but it sounds like no body else is capable of doing that so it's down to you.

Maybe mention to ex that of course as soon as the baby is born DS can stay with them again as usual. He could see this as you trying to punish him by witholding contact, but just make it clear that you think this will be best for everyone.

Hope you've got lots of good things planned for the time around the EDD, it's going to be hard for you but once you get through this bit you're one step further towards freedom!

Dee34 I have followed your thread for a long long while...I really like that your thread allows others to share within your story and am seriously struggling in how to phrase this .. I do really believe that Rosemarie you have plenty enough reason and value to have a thread that is yours ... I just feel sometimes that Dee gets sidelined on her own thread.

Hello - sorry for my lack of input lately. Am flat out at the moment trying to get everything together for a camping trip. Ulp!

Dee, what you say about your illustrious ex rings so many bells with me. I also recognise the person who seems to be unshakably confident and yet if you dig a little deeper they're incredibly needy. I think that's why they must move from one relationship right in to another so quickly. They're empty vessels I think - just attaching their wagon to the next person and adopting their lifestyle, views, thoughts, almost personality. Parasites I guess, borne from having nothing inside. Without someone else to attach themselves too I think they'll be snuffed out of existence. Must be terrifying for them really.

I can't for the life of me imagine why his new woman has taken the choices she has. I'm aghast. I mean, a man who's just left his long term partner and young child - you'd give them a very wide berth at the best of times wouldn't you, much less leave your job, family, friends, country and move 3000 miles away and have a child (which in effect shackles you to that country) before you've even really got to know each other/the country you've moved to. I'm guessing she must be either unfathomably arrogant or unfathomably thick. It really does feel like a car crash waiting to happen doesn't it.

No idea I'm afraid on how to deal with step siblings to a dc, but I will be watching this thread with interest as I'd bet my right arm I will be in the same position soon.

The touchy defensiveness from your ex re your ds' stutter is so clearly a deflection of guilt. Attack is the best form of defense is it not? I don't know how you would best respond to it. I think, in an ideal world, not responding is best as the opposite of love is indifference isn't it? That's the feeling I'd like to get to but I'm still in the murderous phase at the moment. It is all just so unjust and I don't know how you come to terms with that. Perhaps it is just a case of coming to terms with not coming to terms with it.

Rosemarie - I hope you are ok. You are going through the worst time at the moment. Focus on your dad and the people who love you. You need each other. I really hope you managed to get a trip home...

Things here are okish. I seem to have moved from completely decimated to just numb (an improvement, at least I have some respite from the pain), although I don't know if that's just because I've had very little involvement from ff, although he did text last night threatening to take me to court because my solicitor hasn't exchanged my Form E fast enough for his liking. Frankly after having defended myself against a somewhat vexatious claim for child abduction this latest threat is rather like being savaged by a toothless kitten. I'm wondering whether to reply or not. I'd love to sock him in the face right now and tell him to Bring. It. The. Fuck. On.

Any word from Dolly? I want to hear lavish tales of fabulousness!

well hello ladies

have been quiet as have been - if any of you are up with The Godfather parlance - to the mattresses with horrid things with ex. Suffice to say we are 1. trying to deal/fight forced house sale a few ways 2. dealing with demands to change access arrangements (clearly coming back to city once a week is too much and now wants to add extra night to w/end which will prob do but a few issues around it not least I need day a week to catch up with work, put in late meetings etc, and the night he is proposing is awkward (thurs not sun), and he is being a dick about it - saying for DS benefit and by not granting him immediate change I am not having DS benefit at heart and I am driven by being the vindictive bitch I have always been etc blah blah blah 3. he will no longer pay mortgage 4. he owes me back money for half mortgage and home insurance all of which are legally required. hey ho. it is all good fun - plus been busy with work and picked up rush job so been head down and elbows out!! However, for those of you who have been following along, the reason for the end of my marriage which has hitherto been a mystery (outside of otherwoman) is solved as apparently I was a bitch from the first day I met him. nice.

however, there is always yin and yang and le weekend with le man which ended up being 3 nights (as ex had to swap a night around - precursor to current demand) was fantabulous - amazing food, company, champagne, candles, etc. A bit like Pretty Woman minus the part where I am a prostitute and have 40 inch legs ; ) .....planning on meeting again and we talk every day but long distance and complex so who knows what will happen. SO nice though having conversations (and other things) with a grown up .

Rosemarie - hope things are OK with you back home - I am sure it must be such a hard time on top of everything else.

Well - numb is an improvement and you sound so much stronger darling, honestly you do...love your analogies.

Dee - hope all is well with you and look forward to catching up with your news soon!!

Springy - hope all is good in your world & hello to other regulars xxxx

Hello Dolly! DELIGHTED to hear about le weekend with le man! Sounds like it was a real tonic. Who knows what will happen in the future, but it is inspiring to read that life does indeed go on. Sorry to hear that the former is being predictably tosserish - all i can advise is to take the anti-fuckwitt pills and keep your anti-fuckwitt forcefield shield up. I am very au fait with the 'you were a bitch from the first day I met you and that's why this marriage failed' line by the way Dolly. Utter nonsense as I'm sure you know. If it were in the slightest bit true then it doesn't say much for the ex's intelligence given that they married and had children with such harridans as us. Textbook deflection of guilt if ever there was one.

I am enjoying not having much communication with ff at all which I think has helped lift my mood. I don't bother checking my old email account (the only email he has for me), and if he sends an antagonistic text I don't bother replying and switch my phone off. I. Just. Can't. Be. Bothered. He can make contact via our solicitors if he's got his knickers in a twist about something. Am still very worried about the financial future of the children and I, but its largely out of my hands.

Just come back from my inaugural camping trip with friends. Was really an unmitigated disaster - single mother in tent in pissing rain with two VOMITING kids. We had to come home early in the circumstances but strangely enough it hasn't put me off! Had a good chat with my best friend's mum (who popped over for the day) who asked about the history with my soon to be ex-MIL and then declared what an utter BITCH she was. My bf and her friend's were also so kind and helpful and the men were insistent on putting the tent up for me and offering beers and such like. Honestly, the kindness makes me well up now. Such a difference to being marginalised and sidelined and treated like a pariah in ex's country and social circle for so many years. Maybe I do exist after all.

How is everybody else doing?

Thanks guys for all your kind thoughts. I am really sorry Dee if I have spouted too much, it was just that this particular thread struck a real chord with me, in that perhaps there were other people out there going through similar issues.

Sadly my Dad passed away before I could get home. Ex sent his condolences to me, along with the fact that he wants everything concluded by the end of June. Fat chance. Also instructed his mother not to give me my belongings at her house (thought I should be entitled to half of these at the least despite her acknowledging they were mine). Not much I could do unless I wanted to push past a 70 year old lol! Fact that he did not contact my Mum direct despite having known my Dad for 25 years = no respect!

PS Dee - you are in London? I could apologise by buying you a drink!

Rosemarie - I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to get home before your Dad passed away. I'm very sorry for your loss and thinking of you and your family. Thinking of you all xxx

Hi Rosemarie

Just wanted to say that I am very sorry to hear about your Dad and I'm very sad that your ex hasn't handled the situation with the respect you may have wished. Very hard when you are so far away. My family is in the UK (I am exiled in Oz) and I know that I will inevitably face a similar situation in the future and it is so very hard isn't it. I also can't speak on behalf of Dee - and wouldn't presume to do so - but I do know that this thread has been fairly organic in its development and that many of us - certainly I - have 'hi-jacked' and shared our experiences on here so from my perspective I don't see an issue at all - just my perspective darling but I would say keep posting (unless corrected as of course its not my thread either ; )...

....we are OK. ex gone postal about the sale of our house and is trying to force a sale at silly price...i am trying to finance with type of loan that probably caused GFC ; ) happy days !!!

Kisses to all x

Thanks very much guys, I don't want to hijack this thread as some have suggested, but have found it hard to find people going through similar issues.

Ex has now sent me a letter from his lawyers insisting I have the house valued and put on the market, that I return monies to him and have no contact with his family. Funny because I spoke to same firm, different lawyer, who advised me that he can't force a sale (or he can but it will take 12 months) and that could take the monies out as it was joint.

Just makes it hard now as I do need to get this behind me in order to move on but difficult if we can no longer talk at all, not sure how to deal with this now, respond to the lawyer on my own, through lawyer or ignore altogether.

I don't know how others cope, I feel like I'm really struggling. If there is any way you can get home Dolly do, being on the other side of the world definitely does not help!

I think you need to remember that solicitors are not policemen. They represent their clients and although receiving a letter from them demanding you put the house on the market doesn't necessarily mean you have to if it is not advantageous for you to do so at the moment.

I note you say you've taken legal advice from the same firm. Is this continuing. I think you are going to have to get legal representation at this stage unfortunately.

Is anyone else still around? I would really like to know how you are all doing.

I have received ex's Form E which is full of holes and inconsistencies. Of course he has syphoned off half of his salary (from the family business) and his parents are conveniently making "loans" to him every now and then so his income is pretty much the same as before. He claims he cannot afford to pay child or spousal maintenance. He claims he can't afford to come and visit his children. I hear through the grapevine that he has just been on his second foreign holiday of the year (that we know of), this time to egypt. He states in his income needs that he needs`, inter alia, 160 quid a month for lunch at work! Why the fuck does he not take bloody sandwiches and put the difference towards a flight to see his children?

I am so upset and rejected and humiliated at how little thought the ex gives to not only my situation, but also the children's. I feel hurt and humiliated on their behalf. Our children aren't even good enough for him, perhaps because they are related to me?

Ironically I married him because I thought he would be a good husband and father. How could I have been so utterly utterly wrong?

If you find it a safe and supportive place to share Rosemarie then keep posting! Although im not around these parts very often MN kept me sane in the first yr even if it was just to rant about all the shocking stuff my exH did.I also had no RL. support and never had my own thread but like this one it was women supporting women .I was told the truth and I was shocked at how abusive my marriage was.Sorry to hear about your Dad .Life is so tough sometimes.Thinking of you x

Well my ex was a liar and a manipulator and ,I was in love and trusted him.Last. week he didn't even send his son a birthday card.I never thought. things would turn out like this but I was a different. person when I met him .I have changed loads over the last few years.So has he, its grim. But I take that time with him along with me. Its part of who I am. I've got my kids but their dad isn't a part of my future. Maybe he will b in their lives but I have no interest in him now.He is just some bloke. He just lost the plot.

Hi Lovelies

Well/Rosemarie/Patience - it is so hard coming to terms with the people that we thought out DC father's were vs the reality isn't it. I still struggle with in nearly 18 months on. To be fair my ex is - I believe - a pretty good Dad when he sees DS who who does see regularly and they have a nice time. Problem is the finances and when he is not with him. This month, no health insurance paid (over here its diff system) so stung with big bill from dentist when ex is legally obliged to pay it for DS and May's half of mortgage (let along June) not paid....at same time the bill for his defunct credit card (which he owes on but has been dormant hence he has not changed his address on it) shows up over $700 on a bill for couples counselling (clear through name on bill and the amount shown when I investigated on website) - which is not necesarilly a bad things per so but ironic he can afford to pay to either future proof or 'fix' his relationship with OW but can't afford to pay for legally obliged health care for his son. Makes my head spin with the WTF'ness of it. I can imagine if it was the other way round what people would make of it....SO frustrating and so far from what I imagined!

Other than that in shit fight re house but am relatively zen like about it....work picked up a bit (thank god) but we are still a bit hand to mouth (albeit with money in house so not being tiny violin but day to day things are quite different for us) but emotionally doing much better. I guess its a product of ex being not v. nice for nearly 2 years so there isn't much to miss anymore, vs when it first happened I thought we were happy so has taken a while for my heart to catch up with my head.....its does get easier thought Well and Rosemarie from an emotional perspective, I promise you. Lots of love Dolly x

Dolly

I still think you need to go back to your lawyer to make your xh to pay what he should each month and on time.

Yes I agree Dolly, once u see ur ex as the real man he is it is so much easier.Once my heart let go and caught up with my head I could accept the reality of it all x

Dolly - I assume this is stuff that he is legally obliged to pay (whether through court order or not)? If so, what's the recourse? Another court order or small court claims or something like that - with costs awarded against him of course for forcing you to pursue him through the courts in the first place.

Why can't people just do what they say they will do. Although I guess if these men were capable of that we wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

And also - couples counselling??????!!!!!!!!!!!??????? Already??????????? Oh dear, that doesn't bode well for love's young dream does it?!

Yes, unfortunately my heart hasn't caught up with my head yet. I am constantly bombarded by flashbacks of memories of holidays/wedding/honeymoon etc. It is incredibly painful.

I know I should sit down and go through these bank statements with a find tooth comb (for example, I noticed a recent payment under the heading of 'nursery fee' - the kids, obviously, don't go to nursery in his country - this is worrying on more than one level), but I just can't. I feel like it will destroy me.

Hi - wow, cant believe how long it has been since I posted....I keep meaning to, but events have (sometimes) conspired against me....latest of which is that I dont have any Broadband access at home as since moving, my home move order was a complete failure.....so no residential phone line and no internet access (bar a flaky mobile Broadband dongle), but we have the Sky back on so DS is as happy as can be now that he has Cbeebies back !

Sorry to read about the continued upset being unleashed - hope that it is all going well now for you all? Dolly - is money sorted out now? Well - did you ever go through the finances? Rosemarie - how are things?

As for me, well, we have moved house (one that doesnt have a phone line for now obviously), which is great, great news for us. It's a house I decided to buy after the drama of being a tenant (not allowed to touch the property in any way at all - not even to hand a nail, hence virtually no Christmas decorations last year and then landlord decided to sell and get us out as it would be easier to sell without people living in the property...mildly stressful as they gave written notice for us to leave, but all good as it came right in the end). It's a small house, big enough for DS and I (but not big enough for all the things we have accumulated, even after a major decluttering and car boot operation).There's a bit to do to it, but am enjoying making my own stamp, my own decisions.....wondefully liberating. Each day I thank god that I continued to pay my share of the mortgage - even using my redundancy money in the end whcn I had no income - as pretty sure that if I hadn't ex wouldn't have given me a penny towards a new roof for DS (and by proxy, me). And although its a wonderful home for DS and I, I also see this as an investment property and I really am starting to open my eyes and take the blinkers off in terms of what direction my life is going in and how I can master and direct this. I am more open now than I have been in months to new options, new beginnings, new everything.....(Springy and others, I still always have at the back of my mind the words you have echoed about taking hold of opportunities and not staying here and feeling stuck.......I feel so much more unstuck compared to this time last year, when I didn't even have the nerve to take DS on holiday for fear that it would get ex's back up - or even more worrringly - that he would propose taking DS away with new woman/wife after she had been here a couple of weeks - well, he did suggest that they all away on holiday before she had even moved here and before DS had even met her, so not totally OTT?!).....

I personally dont agree with affairs and would never have one myself....I am not naive enough to think that all folk who have affairs are out and out monsters, and, in a big change for me, I am hoping/working towards forgiving my ex for what he did. This is mostly for me though (just in case you were worried there for a moment! ). I read an article about someone who had spent lord-knows-how-many-years unhappy and hating her ex and it had eaten away at her until she decided to forgive him (similar affair related circumanstances). I dont want to end up like that......Dont get me wrong, I will never forget how ex treated us in the end. I will always, always remember how he basically flung us to the curb and drove the bus over me in particular. How he wanted to sell the house the same day he revealed his affair after running away for NYE - when I had no job, how he initially offered me maintenance for our DS that was a fraction of what he was paying for wining and dining his new woman (spending £200 for a night in a hotel and then offering me a little over this.....), told me I was too fat/lazy/suffered too long from PND, told me how he regretted the last 11 years, how he was so in love with this person he had just met he couldn't even describe his feelings and didn't want to upset me by letting me know just how strongly he felt for her (but actions speaker louder than words) and much more besides....but forgiveness is something I want to work towards...so I need to let go of some of the hurt now....

Especially as it seems that today is the day when ex's new baby with his new (and only in fact) wife and DS's new baby brother arrived......phew! Need a glass of vino, some trashy TV and some good company to cope with pending wobbles....I am bracing myself for the time when DS will come back talking about his baby brother - probably next week. Feels all a bit weird to be honest, but hoping to get over it (dont have much choice I guess).

I just honestly hope to goodness that this isn't the onset/herald of a new chapter of shitness from the ex....not sure if my zen like approach can cope with even more heightened levels of drama, demands and self entitlement.....surely having a new baby will calm things down a bit and maybe bring them back down to earth and give a tiny little prick to the bubble of perfection and righteousness that they have cossetted themselves in?!!!

Dee, best wishes for you and your DS in your new home!

Hope your ex is too occupied with the new arrival to keep up with his manipulative ways!

Long-time lurker here, I often think about you and the way that tosser treated you and I recently pointed a devastated friend to your thread to give her hope about the future.
Enjoy a glass of wine (or 3) and applaud yourself that you have fought for the space and the peace that you feel AND that you can be so gracious as to try to forgive frankly shitty behaviour. Your grace shines through when you call the new arrival DS's brother
Your time will come my lovely x

Hi Dee - you sound very well, as if you have (or are well on the way to) reaching a place of peace. I really admire your strength after everything that has been thrown at you. I am very far from any kind of serenity.

I know that the ex having a new baby will be a strange thing to process. You sound as if you are much stronger mentally now though. Perhaps the only way to deal with such fecklessness is to accept that nothing they say or do can be relied upon, and just parent our dc alone whilst trying to minimise the impact of the chaos that they leave in their wake.

I hope everyone else is ok xxx

Hello Lovely Ladies

So gosh Dee. How strong and positive you sound. And such a lot to deal with - with the inevitable emotional impact of the new baby - not to mention your move. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well at working on forgiveness, and honestly, your post came at exactly the right time for me as when I read it was in the middle of postal meltdown re my ex but it honestly helped me to re-focus my energies on what I can change and do for myself so a very timely reminder - thank you my love - you are var wonderful!!! I hope you are doing OK a few days into the new baby as however much we try and insulate ourselves from it, I know that I would feel a number of things and may struggle for a little.

We have had a horrid month or so here but light - or at least not landslide - at the end of the tunnel. Won't bore with details but former has not paid his half of mortgage since April and won't. My crazy loan (of the type that bought down Greece) though looks to be approved - not 100% but close - so will likely take on house in short term just to cut out the stress of dealing with ex. Makes me feel ill though as can't really service the loan (although have short term fall back $$) on current income so will be a heart stopping time. About the best option in a shitty situation though. Other than that former last week suddenly says with one days notice that he wants to take DS on holiday and he has read parenting agreement and it does not say it has to give notice (presumably as even lawyers were unaware anyone could be such an asshole).

I was very measured and extended w/end by a day (offered 2) but said we had plans he could do holiday but needed notice. Cue drama and reference to parenting agreement and invitation for me to read it thoroughly - also had it thrown in my face the previous week where DS been sick, I had worked, asked for help his text said and I quote 'your day your problem'....sigh. I read parenting agreement and found that there were lots of clauses in there that would not benefit him (eg if we didn't agree on holidays then he was allocated weeks which had already passed) and said, look these are here as lowest common denominator if we can't exercise courtesy and common sense, that would be preferable, lets do some give and take. I sent a really non-emotional, almost olive branch type mail. Bad reaction. Net net, he sends his mother to pick up DS. I text to remind him that if he is out of state he needs to provide details as per the agreement and common sense to let me know where DS is in case of emergency. He tells me his in girlfriend's city but that he will not provide address and will bring DS a day early to avoid doing so. WTF? He would seriously not spend time with DS to prevent me having what is his home address? I pointed out that I have not, nor do I have any intention of using for anything other than knowing where DS is, that i accept he is in a long term relationship with her and have no interest in contacting her in any way, shape or form. No address. I ended up saying, look, don't change plans as DS expects to be away but I suggest you seek help if you would rather not see your DS than maintain your secret life that isn't secret anyway. I am going to arrange a family mediation session to try and deal with as its crazy and the rest of our lives and I can't be doing with the drama anymore. SIGH SIGH SIGH. I actually almost feel sorry for him/her that he has created the narrative that I am some crazy unhinged ex that is driven by spite who cannot possibly know where he lives in case I and choses to believe it when all actions and interactions prove this NOT to the case.

Anyway, slightly inspired by our lovely Dee, I have been very measured with him (think he has ishhoooooos for sure) and am using next week's 2 year anniversary of him leaving during the now infamous making of ham baguette, to turn over an emotional page.

I am not in anyway Oprahish in my day to day life (can be a bit of a cynical old boot really with a cocktail in my hand) but I am going to climb upto the local lighthouse (www.lighthouse.net.au/lights/nsw/barrenjoey/barrenjoey.htm) - if you want to picture me - and take a HAM BAGUETTE and a mini bottle of champagne and some balloons with messages that I have already written and release them, and release myself from the clusterfuck of the last two years and try and reclaim the steering on my emotional life and destiny that I feel has been hi-jacked. I'm not going to let of all of it. As Dee has outlined, there are so many awful things that have been done which simply are not, in my book, forgivable (and I'm actually writing those down too, not to dwell but to remind myself in years to come) but I am going to let some of it go. My labels to attach to the balloons read:-

• I accept I will never understand
• I accept X was not the person I thought or trusted to be
• I'm letting go of what might have been
• I accept I will have just one amazing child
• I'm letting go of fear
• I'm letting go of the destructive anger (keeping the good stuff)
• I'm letting go of negativity
• I'm wishing for happiness
• I will be fabulous

Who knows if it will work or if I will feel a bit of a twat but it feels right. I need to mark the occassion and truly try and let go of the analysing and wondering and what if's as it is all so senseless and sad I will otherwise drive myself (more) mad......wish me luck and hope you are all doing well. Hopefully Well and others Dee's story and my attempt to forge ahead does show that it takes time and there are ladders to fall down but it does get better my love xx ooh just glanced up war and peace time - sorreeeeeeee

PS
New man went south (sob!) but was hugely decent about it (faith in nice men restored) and there is a movie like story behind it all which not ready/can't share in public forum but trust me, never a dull moment in Dollyland.

oh forgot the all important tag which I shall do for my own sense of humor which reads:

• And FUCK you but I release you to the far side of FUCK where you belong

What can I say, I'm not a saint