Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair, left us)

[Dee34]

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers :(

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... :( . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

[Dee34]

Sorry again for the long, long post.....

[caramelwaffle]

I am so sorry for you. I could not read and not answer, but I have to be quick.

There is a lot that you have to sort out practically. Look at you finances. Photocopy EVERYTHING. Put yourself and Dc at the top of your priority list. Do not expect your ex husband to be fair or nice.

There is a VERY good thread here (dumplings no more). The ladies are Wonderful and Supportive!

Please look after yourself and Do Not start to blame yourself (or let him blame you) for any of this x

[sarjose]

Oh dee34, reading your post I can feel your anguish and fwiw you have my deepest empathy. I'm not much good at advice giving myself but there are some fantastic people on here that will, I'm sure, be very helpful. All I can say to you really, from my own experience of being left a few months ago,(pregnant with his child after 4 yrs together) is IT WILL GET EASIER I didn't think the pain would ease but it has with each passing day.I know that wasn't your question...I'm not convinced that after such a small amount of time together this can be real? Perhaps he's having a mid life crisis?! These men really are pathetic

[cheekeymonkey]

I'm really sorry you have gone through this. I feel you that you are analyzing the past over and over and feel this will have no benefit to you or anyone else. What is done is done and you have to just concentrate on the future. There is no point in beating yourself up over this, it isn't your fault you were just married to a man that someone came onto to and he went for it! When he is settled with the ow and it becomes less exciting he will probably do it again. He is not the important one You and your child are. Make sure you do everything in your power to secure your finances and see your friends as much as you can and get out and so something you haven't done for ages. See this as a fresh new start instead of an ending. And stop reading self-help books, you can make your own decisions. If you want to run ideas by someone use your friends or mn. Good luck to you, I am sure he will regret everything when he sees how different you are going to be and then you will able to tell him to 'get stuffed'

[robberbutton]

What an #%. What an absolute #%. So sorry this has happened to you. Hopefully you'll get loads of amazing advice on here. Have you told RL people yet? Tell your closest friends and family asap, you need to ask for and accept all the support you can get.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I am so sorry you are being head fucked like this. Please, please put yourself and your DS first. Hard as it is, accept that your relationship is over. He is not the man you thought he was. Even if he comes crawling back now, he has broken what you had. You can and will be happy again. Right now, allow yourself to grieve, but most importantly protect yourself and your child financially.

[robberbutton]

PS, have you seen solost's threads? Her H did something v similar, left his beautiful wife and three DCs for his fuck buddy 'soulmate' (cough). Will try and find links for you.

FWIW, I don't think there's any way in hell that this relationship will last, or be a good, fulfilling one for either of them. But the most important thing now is, you have to work on not caring. Detach detach detach, get really angry, see your H for the complete }#%^ that he is, and start planning your new life without him.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

This is horrible for you but you will get through it. Your priority now needs to be sorting out all the legal and practical stuff. Do NOT listen to your XP when he says that it can all be sorted out amicably with no need for solicitors. He has demonstrated very clearly that his priorities are himself and his new partner, so he will rip you off if he thinks he can get away with it. Make sure you tell all your family and friends that he has left you for someone else and let them support you and look after you. It's not your fault. It's nothing you did. He's a self-obsessed 'romantic' knobend and TBH in a few years you will be glad to be rid of him.

[tazmintee]

dont send him any more "ruined my life" emails

no doubt he will read the first line and then delete

by all means write them, but email them to yourself - it only makes you feel 20 times worse once you send them, dont get a response and then feel a muppet all over again

good luck x

[robberbutton]

solost thread one

solost thread two

solost thread three

[FourFortyFour]

He is clearly an idiot who has been lead by his dick but thinks it is his heart talking and it is all meant to be and he can't help it .

Your priorites are

your son
you
your son
you.

See a solicitor asap.
File for divorce.
Get advice on finances.
Photo copy everything you have and hide your son's passport.
Be kind to yourself and do whatever helps you get through the day, ready meals, etc. Try not to drink too much wine as that can be a depressant.

[LifeMovesOn]

Sweetheart - there are many of us on here that have been treated like you have been.

And you know what - we're all here to tell the tale of how IT DOES GET BETTER.

Of course in differing levels for each person. But I promise you, it does.

Take each day as it comes, get legal advice and start planning you and your son's new life.

A lot of the things your DH has said to you are so similar - it's a lot of their guilt coming out.

Hugs to you, keep strong, you will get through this,

[Aislingorla]

I agree with all of the advice given.
I think he 's indulging in a fantasy with this woman, it is not real as they don't/can't know each other properly yet and haven't lived together and had to get on with everyday life. It's all fun and excitement now which is making your husband think he's in love. Do you think you'll take him back when it all dies down and he comes to his senses?

[Lovedlots]

Dee
The feelings of being heart broken, betrayed, taken for a ride and all the other emotions have been felt by many of us. Are you sleeping and eating? It is early days and all your thoughts are your emotions at the moment. Eventually the clouds lift and you will start to be more practical. It is hard to do but you must get legal advice asap. It will make you feel stronger knowing were you stand financially. Don't rush ahead of yourself thinking too far in the future it will only stress you out. As said before take each day as it comes. Can't believe he did a spread sheet. I thought it was only my pathetic XH who did that sort of thing. What a pr**k.

[Xales]

Please get to a clinic and get a STI check also if you haven't go to the Dr and let them know what is happening. Any help they offer accept.

[Dee34]

Thanks so much for all the great advice and kind words. It means a lot to hear/read that it does get better overall. I think that means more than knowing if they will last - because if it does get better, that will mean that some day I will get to the point where I dont care?! Some days it does seem like it will get easier and I can feel great and then other days I am a complete wreck with it all....It is the sheer, utter abandonment that he has lumped on us that is hard to get over. But I know that I have to for my own sanity.....

Many thanks for the legal advice. I have been to see a solicitor - did it quite early on, as (and forgot to mention this), we weren't married, just engaged. So, I dont have as many rights as a wife. Thankfully the house is in joint names so equity will be split 50/50 (though he did go on about taking back some of the extra money he had put towards overpaying mortgage from his bonuses....should have realised then that he was going to be a right a**e about things and that his mind and responsibilities are completely elsewhere.....Ex had always been a fair and generous guy and I had believed that despite all of this he would be fair on that point, though I am starting to doubt this now...

I have been telling everyone that I meet practically! :) Ex even had the cheek to ask me 'why are you telling everyone?!'...err, because I can? Honestly, as I have told him all along, the long list of issues that he came up with are ones that I would have no shame in showing anyone as I think most couples with a good few years under their belt and a toddler (who didn't sleep through until he was 1) have experienced similar.....? I am starting to see that it is all excuses for some easy s*x and a chance to ditch his responsibilities and live a life of cosy coupledom that we had before DS came along....

Lots of mind games going on - he keeps bringing up topics in front our son that he knows will get a rise out of me (yesterday, it was about ditching sons dummy and muzzy habit, which has admitedly become a bit exaggerated as he has picked up on whats going on. Ex was banging on about getting rid of it, I said no, not just yet, he keeps going on and then I raise my voice slightly and he keeps me a mock wince and says 'do you have to raise your voice in front of him?' as if he is the most caring, nuturing dad?! And we were supposed to have ditched the dummy after xmas, but he choose to be elsewhere, but he obviously forgot about that). He also keeps going on about how he doesn't want to rub my nose in what he has going with this other woman....honestly....

I do need to ditch the wine and, yes, probably the self-help books.....Eating is getting better - someone talked some sense to me in that I need to look after myself as DS needs me to be fit and healthy, so I am trying. I did lose something silly like a stone and a half in 4 weeks and ex stupidly said to me 'oh you look like you have lost weight - keep it up?!!!' (ow is a skinny so and so who is into fitness and triatholons etc).

I forgot to mention that OW came here briefly in Feb for around 4 nights - found out on my birthday (another long story, but popped round to ex's rental around the corner and saw through his window - no blinds and wide open - that he had a clothes airer there full of g-strings, bras, ladies tops etc). Asked him why he didn't tell me, to which he said it was none of my business, even though he has chosen to live around the corner until she moves here at which point they will move to a village somewhere. I think its the pure selfishness that I cant stomach and that someone can change so quickly....

I try and keep out of the way when he comes round to see DS in the evening as cant bear looking at him and hearing him carry on all happy. But it feels like I am being consumed with anger and hate :( I also feel for my son - both now and for the future. Before ex moved out, he spent a few weekends in Scotland and away with work where he took his webcam with him. He didn't once ask me to set up a skype or webcam thing here so he could speak/see DS, but he was obviously doing so to chat to her in the US. He has also forgotten to call DS when he has said he would do and I fear it will get worse when she moves here...

Good advice about the emails - need to stop sending them, esp as I guess he could be showing them to her and having a good old laugh about them?!! Hadn't thought about that....

FourFortyFour - have given my sons passport to a friend (just gave her a sealed envelope that I then signed so she wasn't really 'involved' iyswim?)

Aislingoria - I would never take him back, which is what makes the whole thing even more upsetting. I would always know that he chose her over us and if he did come back it would only be because he had been 'forced' to. To be honest, I think he will now bend over backwards to keep the OW happy as he has done all this for her and of course, as he keeps telling me (honestly, you would not believe the ego on him at the moment) she is moving all that way from there to here just for him and because she knows that our son is ex's priority (shame she didn't think that when they sneaked off for a NYE love-in whilst I was left here distraught with a clingy toddler who didn't know what the heck was going on....).

robberbutton - thanks for the links, will go through them now. OW seems as crazy as ex. Found a card that she had written to him whilst they were together over NYE, where she said he was amazing, she was so lucky to have found him, 2011 would be their best year yet, but they have so many, many more to come and thanking him for choosing to go out there to spend NYE with her....I wish I hadn't found that as those words (and images) keep floating into my mind....

Reading this back, I think I have to really work on the whole not caring thing.....

Thanks again ladies (off to read solost's threads now)

[Xales]

Lol he is so amazing and she is so lucky to find a man who shags behind his fiancees back and thinks nothing of not contacting his child while away.

She is so lucky, lucky she has such a low opinion of herself and choice in partners.

You are worth so much more than that.

Politely respond to his comments about your son's comfort items thanking him for his opinion, then ignore him....

Become a stuck record. 'Thank you I will consider what you have said'.

Keep cool that will wind him up way more than you getting upset which is his aim.

Shame if he had any thought for his DS he wouldn't have made him insecure enough to need to keep his comfort items right now!

Don't get drawn into arguments especially not in front of your son he may try to make you look unreasonable at shouting when 'he was trying to discuss something'. I am sure he does it deliberately to make you look bad. Don't respond.

Does he have to have contact at your house as he has a place around the corner?

[robberbutton]

I am starting to see that it is all excuses for some easy sx and a chance to ditch his responsibilities and live a life of cosy coupledom that we had before DS came along....

Yes, that is exactly it, nothing to do with you at all. His ego is having a HUGE boost from her wanting to move here, which must be an intoxicating high. Don't worry, the reality will come crashing down around their ears. You're right, the pressure on their relationship will be immense, but you're also right in that you have to not care in the slightest (eventually).

OMG he just gets better and better. "you've lost weight, keep it up?" What a nasty, self-obsessed, egotistical, selfish, self-serving wanker.

Agree with Xales - can't he have DS at his or you go out while he is here? I would have as little contact as possible.

[robberbutton]

All this will help you get over him though, as you see him for who and what he really is. One thing I've realised is that the way people react after their affair can almost be worse than the actual affair itself. When I found out about my H, we both said we wanted to work things out. But it was his moping around and mourning for the next three months that actually made me want to kick him out, and now it would be almost easy, relatively, for me to end things.

So, hope his awful behaviour has the positive effect of making you realise how much better off you are without someone like this in your life.

[YesPleaseDrChristian]

I can't believe the weight comment either. How hateful must he be? And for what reason? He's the one who is throwing his life away for some brief fantasy-fling which will be far far removed from his reality when OW moves over.

Not sure how she's planning to do with wrt immigration unless they are planning a quickie wedding? I think she is only allowed in on a three-month visitors visa.

Glad you have legal advice. Is he pressuring you to sell the house? What is happing with the current mortgage payment, who is paying for that?

Are you working OP?

[YesPleaseDrChristian]

def def get a STI check.

[partytime]

Dee, I am so and for you, I have been in a similar situation to you. I just wanted to pick up on one comment you made
Ex had always been a fair and generous guy and I had believed that despite all of this he would be fair on that point, though I am starting to doubt this now...

I am pleased you have sought legal advice because this line describes my exh. He has always been generous with his huge income, with me, the Dc and his mates. Money never an issue. But he has changed beyond recognition, he is tight, penny pinching, being a real arse with my lawyers. He and his OW earn a vast amount between them, and I am on a very low income and benefits.

I know my situation is different as we are married but you must fight for everything you are entitled to, do not give up nor make concessions.

Good luck x

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

This is horrible for you, but the best way of getting over this is to detach and to treat him with contempt disguised as civility in front of your DS.

Solost's threads will be the perfect read, because this sounds like the classic Romantic Idiot affair.

There are also lots of classic lines from the "affair script" including the ill-fated trip to Scotland. Did you know, for example, that in many affairs the faithful partner is set up to fail at some point? You'll notice it in Solost's second thread, when she was asked to go on a trip abroad by her H with hardly any notice and no childcare arranged. Of course, the OW was on that trip and the H knew she would say no, having the brass neck once he had left for the OW, to rebuke Solost for not attending the trip "or none of this might have happened"

You say the affair started in October, but normally the affair clock starts from first contact with the OW, so work out when that was for a true timeline. However, if he means that the affair became physical from October (in any sense) this means that he threw away 11 years and daily contact with his son for what is probably just a romantic crush.

He is obviously a horribly cruel individual evidenced by his lies about there even being an affair and the way he has treated you thereafter. Therefore it is really best to concentrate on the flaws in his personaility and character that when you think about it, you were bargaining away all those years.

At the moment he is probably feeling like he has got a golden dick, but have a really good think about how he wasn't meeting your needs. I bet he wasn't - in fact, I just know you'll say that he wasn't giving much to your relationship and that you were the under-benefited one in this relationship. If you've read NJF, you will know what I mean.

Detach and practise the scratched record technique. Any comments about you personally? "It's none of your business"

About your parenting? "I will parent our son as I see fit"

Comments about the OW? "I'm not interested"

And be enigmatic about your life, who you see and what you do. Remember. It is none of his business.

[waterrat]

horrible, horrible for you. But remember - success is the best form of revenge. Get healthy, get happy, move forward. Have therapy and look back ruthlessly at your relationship with this man - and evidence that he has always been a selfish arse.

Some people spend their whole lives with men who grind them down with their selfish behavior - be glad you are 37 and have a long life ahead of you without him.

I know how incredibly painful this must be- but I promise, you will look back with gratitude at him leaving, when you are happy and have moved on with your life.

If you want to meet someone else, once you have sorted yourself out and had therapy to really look at your relationship patterns/ choices in the past - you will meet someone wonderful.

good luck - treat yourself, WWIFN is right - take a hard look at the relationship and what was missing for you.

[Dee34]

Thanks all for the insightful posts. Totally accurate about the scripts and setting me up about the Scotland trip (and he has the cheek to now say that he wished we hadn't gone as if I had forced him into it - the complete opposite).

Love the detachment phrases - will write them up on some post-it notes and stick them on my bathroom mirror and practise them before he comes round. He comes round at the moment because DS doesn't like to leave me! He (DS) was pretty messed up as it did come out of the blue (though apparently, I should have seen that we weren't working and I was obviously as miserable and unhappy as he was). He is getting better though and building up the contact they have together. Good idea about popping out whilst he comes round - can probably walk around the block a few times or do a class or something (need to keep up that weight loss!!).

WWIFN - Affair started when he met her in Oct. He met her on a work trip to San Francisco (she lives and works there, originally from Nashville). He met her on second to last day of his trip in a bar (they dont work together - he had never even seen her before then) and they kissed etc. They then swapped business cards and contact details and had daily contact from his arrival back in the UK. First slept together during his early December work trip (think it was 4 or 5 night trip). Then no physical contact again until he upped and left us over NYE for 6 nights. He came back, then they met up again in first week of Feb for 4 or 5 nights (sorry a bit vague!) and then he has flown out today to see her for 6 nights. So at a best guess, what 24 days or so physical contact? But when he was working, he was with customers in the day and for some evening meals so time was curtailed somewhat?

YesPleaseDrChristian - she apparently works for a company that has an office in London so guess she can get a working visa via that route. I suspect thats why she was here in Feb. It has gone from her being here in 6 months time (as said by ex back in Jan) to her being here in 3 months time (what he said back in Feb when I found out she was here).

Xales - yes, I should look on it all as a lucky escape for me (and let them bask in their combined luck and fortune in finding each other). I need to get to work on a list of things that he used to do/did/say that has grated on me.

Waterra - I hear what you are saying about being 37 etc, but I am also grieving a bit for the chance to have given my DS a sibling (as said, we were trying though hadnt DTD since Nov as I was being treated for a cyst that had come up on a smear test. But ex had gone to the Drs before his early Dec trip to get his semen analysed and I was having ultrasounds to start the whole fertility checks). I do fear that I will never meet anyone else, that I have a child already and if I am honest, it pains me that ex has found someone he can do all the fun things with and then decide to settle down and crank out more kids.....its harder for us I guess?!

You are all right, there is so much that I can see about him now that I really don't like and am glad that I don't have to put up with certain things. He is incredibly selfish and lazy - all he did around the house was give DS a bath, play with him after work and put the bins out! I did literally everything else, yet, when I was questioning him in the early days about his actions, he sneered and said that I didn't appreciate him when I had him?!! He does earn a lot so I think (actually, know) that a lot of what he thinks he did for us comes down to money. Yes, he paid more into the mortgage and bills than me, but I also contributed a regular monthly amount out of my redundancy package, which was/is fast running out. That really grates on me, that he can now just up and walk off, keep his big fat salary, fly off to San Francisco without a care for the cost etc. One good thing is that he is still paying his share of the mortgage and bills until we sell the house, though have a time limit on this and I seriously think that he may come back and change even that once OW gets here and he really feels like the big 'I am'....Oh another 'fault' was that when he went out, I used to ask him to delay going out from say 7pm to 7.30pm so he could do bath routine with DS (this was when DS was a baby and bear in mind, we have no family nearby and I had a years maternity leave so not much of a break). Apparently this was a big thing as he colleagues (who were visiting from London and so on business, away from home and staying in hotels!) could go out for pre-dinner drinks. And he made out as I always did this, when I can clearly remember it was only a handful of times. He also avoids conflict at all costs (as you can guess) and never raised our issues with his parents. Funnily enough, he sent me an email saying that he knew his dad was a pain and that if and when he introduced OW to his folks, he was going to make sure that he had words with his dad about his behaviour!!! So he can suddenly bend over backwards for her, but couldn't even say boo when it came to us. He seems to have this slavish need/desire to protect her at all costs (he made her get out of his car when I called him up after finding out she was here in Feb so she wouldn't hear my 'ranting and raving')....Yes, he is a horrible, horrible person...When he was still living here I insisted that he call her from his car and not from the house and yet on two occasions I caught him calling her! He also said that I should have counted myself lucky as because he works from home, he was able to spend so much time seeing DS......how did that benefit me exactly? I think he got more out of having a cuddle or play than I did asking him to keep an eye on DS for 5 mins whilst I rustled up lunch or dinner or went to the toilet/had a shower. I also asked him when he thought he would be taking a day off with DS as he is off now taking 4 days a/l, to which he replied it was none of my business. He does seem to have some grand and deluded ideas about how well he has treated me in the recent past. The last time we went out together in Nov (mid-affair) I used my Tesco vouchers to use in Pizza Express and the cinema (and yes, I do mean my vouchers as we somehow had different cards).

I do have a job now (just got a verbal offer but waiting for paperwork to come through so don't feel like everything is certain yet and so not told anyone - my confidence has been shot to pieces with all this). Though ex said a few nights ago that I need to make sure that I get as good a job as possible as I need to realise that I will also be responsible for DS welfare - err, you don't say?! I reckon he will be asking me what my salary is once he knows I have a job, to which I will of course reply 'Its none of your business' :)