Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

I know you are right Dolly, and I'm going to have to agree. I just don't know how to get over, or in some way come to terms with, the injustice of it (of everything).

FF turned up last night to collect the children and I was delighted to see that he is sporting a particularly shit haircut. It made me more smug than I care to be (I'd like to in the position of total indifference).

My oldest (just gone 5) had been excited about seeing his dad but then cried and clung to me. It's not that he didn't want to go, but he didn't want to be apart from me. I hate ff for putting him in this position.

I can very much empathise with the needing to find an 'anchor' dolly. I was the same when I lived in That Other Place, even though I had a husband at the time (in reality I was still alone). Surely I've suggested you take up rowing before haven't I?! I did that when I came back here and it's at least given me a distraction, and a small sense of self-identity to be doing something 'just for me'.

Failing that, are there any walking, cycling, book clubs or anything like that you can think you might like to get involved in?

So I've not posted on here before but here goes because you guys might understand me. First, have been separated for about the same time as you Dee, 2 years. Unfortunately I don't seem to have moved very far forward in those 2 years. I have stayed in the "home" but have just received email from ex advising me that he has contacted an estate agent to come around to view the house. So I guess I feel like I'm being thrown out of my home.

My real question is about joint finances. There is money (not that much) but enough to maybe make a difference to me sitting in a joint account. I haven't taken it out, for ethical reasons I guess, but am I just being stupid? My ex wouldn't think I am entitled it (and if I took it out he would no doubt me pissed off and harrass me) and in some ways neither do I for a variety of reasons. But on the other hand I feel like I have supported him a lot in the past and the only reason there is any money there is because of my hard work over the years. We were together for 25 years and while I was the bread winner as such he was happy in the relationship and then when he finally got himself a decent job and was earning money he left.

So I've not touched this money 1) because I feel guilty (in all honesty I was gambling due to depression so didn't end up with any individual savings whereas he did) and that I don't deserve it and 2) because I guess Im scared of his reaction. But really in a lot of ways feel like I'm being stupid because why do I even care about his reaction anymore? And over the years its been my money thats gone into where we are now, earnings, redundancy payments, accident compensation insurance etc.

Any views appreciated because feeling really stuck right now .. are you a kiwi Dee, I see you have made references to NZ? I am one living in London so feel kind of isolated, with family back in NZ/Aus.

Rosie

Rosie have you taken legal advice re the money? You may well be entitled to the free half hour session. They should be able to advise. I would have thought it was certainly half yours, IMHO.

Legally I think I can take it all out because its in joint names, but my stupid ethics are standing in the way, and I am just wondering if I am being totally dumb!

I wonder if this may be more to do with how the marriage left you emotionally. If you need it to live reasonably, you need it, and you're entitled to it.
It saddens me how often women they are not 'entitled' to stuff. IME men do not feel like this. My ph was massively entitled, and very selfish. Which was a major part of the problem really. Say to yourself, 'I deserve this. And it's mine'.

Hi Well - sorry to hear about the grief you are going through with your ex regarding access and intros. As Dolly says, I think even if there was a default period set in law to wait for 2 years, that introduction to the OW and the thought of what is happening during that introduction (are they all getting on, how can she/he stand there and smile and act all innocent with the DC after what they have done/put them through etc) would still be as raw and hard hitting as if it were happening tomorrow. I think I posted when my ex was getting ready to do his intro (had bluffed me about how he would like to consider my opinion etc and then she arrived on the Monday from US and ex insisted that they get introduced on the Wednesday. Bearing in mind, DS had never seen this woman before and up until that Monday, my ex himself had only spent some 30-odd days physically with her during their 8 months 'together', he was barmy. It didn't go well and he ended up calling me - had gone to a friends to take my mind off the meeting as knew it was happening - and asking me if he could drop DS back early!). In theory, they can meet someone this evening for the first time, declare them wonderful and take DC off to meet him/her tomorrow. In practice, I would hope that there would be some decency around the whole thing......often cases, it seems not as there is some urgency to push the meeting on for some reason? In the end, I had to be the unpaid advisor to ex (and OW indirectly) and tell him that he should maybe think about doing slow, gradual meetings between DS and his new bit of stuff....so an hour at the park, a meal, etc etc. All common sense stuff that anyone (except ex it seems*) can get from the internet or a good book on separation. Anyway, after all that rambling, I think all you can do is 'negotiate' and then take it from there. They are in a different country, right? So, no chances that he can go back on say a 6 month/Xmas agreement and do an intro tomorrow? I think when the time comes, keep yourself busy or with friends (ideally both at the same time) to take your mind off it. You will think about the meeting, but thats just being human. I think best advice someone gave to me was along the lines of don't let it eat away at you/don't show any reaction to ex etc.

Rosemarie - sorry you are joining us . I don't really know about the money. Very early on, I suggested to ex that we split the financials 50/50 so joint accounts/savings etc, which was fair. We were not married and I had always paid my 50% in (even using my savings when I left my job) so ex couldn't diddle me that way. Without knowing the legal aspects (don't want you to get into trouble!), I would agree with Parsley in terms of what you deserve and actually, what you need to live on, especially if its from a joint account and in effect 'both your monies'. I was a bit too softly softly with my ex last year and was a bit fearful (if thats the right word) of his retribution or, as Parsley puts it, his 'self-entitlement'. To that end, I rue that I didn't take a much needed break away from here with my DS as was eagerly advised by other MNs on here; instead, I shuffled around, pandering to ex's visits to see DS and waiting until dust had settled and we could discuss holidays. Waited a bit too long and of course, ex got in there first with a suggestion that he take DS away with OW/new gf for a week. HE SUGGESTED THIS WHILST SHE WAS IN AMERICA, AND APPROX 2 MONTHS BEFORE SHE MOVED HERE AND DS HAD NEVER MET HER. NOT A SINGLE THOUGHT FOR ME OR DS......sorry to shout, but, I think you need to put yourself first as your ex may not do.

Take care,
dx

My ex seems to enjoy coming to me for advice on his various 'ishoos'. After announcing new wife was preggers and in same convo telling me that 'their pregnancy was none of my business' as I stood there shell shocked and asked 'why?' (fair cop, it isn't* any of my business! Thank goodness!), he then came round 2 weeks later and on dropping off DS asked me if I had any suggestions for how to break the news to DS....this was on the back of him telling me DS had been a bit emotional during his weekend with his dad and he therefore wanted some advice.....reminded him that their pregnancy was not my business, along with their marriage and any other well thought out decisions and left it at that.

I have a quick query......what do separated couples do in terms of holidays? Ex and I have agreed on holiday dates, but do I have to tell him where we are going? I have no issues with this, but mentioned it to a friend and she said along the lines of what am I telling him the details for as he doesn't need to know....but then, I feel like when he takes DS away next month, I would like to know where they are going, more for reassurance. I don't think I could be sat here for a week not knowing where in the country/world DS was, especially if there was an accident or similar.

What does everyone else do?

BTW, I have no interest in knowing what they do on their weekends/evenings together as DS is usually at his Dad's house so I don't ask (bar the couple of times ex has taken him to Scotland, but he has told me this in advance as has usually interrupted my access time with DS).

Dee I don't know, cos this is new to me too! we are away for a week in June, and feel I need to tell him where we are (for reasons you said, sauce for the goose) but would rather not! Feel the house, that has not been officially sorted yet, would be at risk. This may be me over-thinking, but have had issues with this in first marriage. He recently told dd, without telling me first , that he would take her to Ibiza for the weekend! I was v cross, but it turned out to the usual Walter Mittty stuff. Apparently he was going there to fix a photo copier. Cos there ain't nobody in Ibiza can do this obs. If he was a world renowned brain-surgeon I might believe him!

Sorry, bad form to reply to my own post but.....on the topic of holidays...

Sorry need to vent - ex has just 'dumped' the news that yet again, he wont be able to have DS next week as his flight (for a personal holiday this time) means that he doesn't get back to the UK until after nursery pick-up time. Apparently, he thought that the flight was arriving in the early afternoon, or it was supposed to land early afternoon and it is now landing early evening (obviously, I must have the words 'idiot' tattooed across my forehead as that's how airlines operate of course). So, now he cant have DS on the night he is supposed to next week. He did the exact same thing two weeks ago (for a work trip. He actually booked the flights and then asked me. I told him he was being out of order and he agreed and said, 'yes, next time, I will give advance notice and check first'). I have just signed up for a class starting next week and had made plans to see a friend (which was postponed as he flitted off last time). He didn't give me any warning about this, bar the notes he has just put down in the handover book that he has given me today when returning DS. I did not even know he was going away, which is fair enough as as long as it doesn't impact on his time with DS, I don't care if he goes on holiday every week.....but am thoroughly sick of this now as he just keeps on taking the pee and I am supposed to just sit here and do as I am told (I was not consulted or asked if him not being around next week would be okay). And he has ever so kindly thrown me the bone of being able to swap for another day next week (which friend cant do and my class is not on that night).

Am I being unreasonable?! Or just going mad? When I want to go away or book something I find things that work around the time I have my DS and the times when my ex has him. I wouldn't dream of booking something and just assuming he will pick up my slack as certain dates/times are convenient for me.

He didn't mention anything just now f2f on handover and I have just tried to call him and no answer. I have also left an email - again, no answer. I really want this sorted out before DS and I go away next week, esp as I suspect that he is going to the US. I think he booked his flights deliberately, assuming I would pick up the slack (after all, what will happen? If he is not here, I have to give up my night/things). Don't get me wrong, I don't not want to have DS, but ex is treating my like an idiot IMHO and doesn't give a hoot that I have one evening a week on which to plan things (compared to his 4 evenings, and if push comes to shove, he can get new wife to babysit). I now have to go back to the same friend I postponed on two weeks ago for the same reason and dish out the same old story whilst he laughs his head off into the sun....

So much for his motto of last year of how he would always put DS first and foremost.

Feeling really, really fed up.......

I do think he winds you up Dee. It's a hunch I have, like he can't resist it (makes the he-man feel powerful, or something pathetic ...). re taking ds up to their house... errmmm it just doesn't feel right to me. I think he's going to carry on doing that Dee and you'll just have to accept that he won't be sticking to the contact arrangements to the letter. No point talking to him about it - in fact, that is probably what he wants, you with steam coming out of your ears. he's a turd, did I mention?

Just remember the maxim to ask for the opposite of what you want...

Rosemarie, definitely get a free half hour with a family lawyer to give you some pointers about where you stand financially. From the scant info you've given, it looks like this chappy is doing what he pleases (eg selling the house from under you ) and I'm not sure he can do that tbh. (Do you still have kids at home?). Don't tell ex you're seeing a lawyer btw, keep that under your hat.

Your passive approach to him (eg money from a joint account just sitting there and you, like those fleas in that experiment, don't think to withdraw it, don't think you deserve it...) and the fact that you don't feel you've made much progress in 2 years* makes me wonder if your relationship has a history of him controlling you? Have you done the Freedom Programme?

*though tbf it takes a long time to get over a relationship of that length.

Thanks Springy - yes, I think I had that realisation some time ago, but had forgotten about it as had detached so much from him!

So latest instalment is that he is insisting that the airline changed his flights (okay, admit, this can happen), but that I should pay for a babysitter from the money he gives me for DS maintenance....err, why should I pay to still go out? We did not agree that the maintenance money would cover this. He is not happy about having to give me the extra money....surely that is out of order? If I need to go out on a night when he doesn't have DS or is away, then, yes, I do pay for a babysitter or ask a friend. But I seriously doubt he would have been able to do nursery run anyway with his original flight time.

So, now I am the one being hostile and damaging our son as I am being unreasonable in my demands for £30 (from a man living in a double income household, who couldn't be bothered to get me a mothers day present, was staying at £250 a night hotels last year and is paying for some holiday somewhere....).

Yes, a total wind-up merchant and he has reeled me into having some dialogue with him, which has ended with him telling me off for said hostility and telling me how we need to move forward as I questioned his responsibility towards DS by booking such tight flights in the first place....we travel tomorrow, so being a cynic, this is all quite timely in terms of him getting on my wick, especially as he now says that the airline contacted him on Friday and he only let me know today (and he has never been shy about emailing me when he shouldn't in the past about mundane, nonsense things and yet this disruption to my week was okay to not flag asap).

Whilst writing the above, he has now come back and says that he wont pay for a babysitter. Sick of the whole thing now, so will just tell him to stick the £30 then and to not ask me to cover another night when he cant make it as he has business or personal stuff to attend to*. He earns double what I earn with huge bonuses on top and is quibbling over £30.

Parsley - he is not even interested! I meant to email details over, but have got dragged into this farce now...and he has not raised it.

*though I know I will most probably cover as its DS......just feel so used and taken for granted.

If you have plans that mean you are not able to be with your DS, I imagine like most of us, you arrange a babysitter. That's what yoyr X should do when he had DS, if he is not home.

I know that in reality this time, you will probably end up changing your plans. It might be worth sending an email/text saying "Sorry, I've made plans for xxx, up to you to arrange childcare when DS is with you. And repeat every time he pulls this on you. And don't get drawn into a discussion.

I do know, its easier said than done, and that your main concern is DS's happiness and comfort. But the alternative may be him taking you/DS for granted and expecting you to organise around his life indefinitely.

Hi MsPav - agreed. The thing is, he wont even be back in the UK until 6.30pm when flight lands, so I would still be involved as would have to get DS from nursery, then arrange for babysitter to pick him up (I imagine? Or drop him off at ex's house). At a push, I suggested he pay for a babysitter to come to mine and he says no, if I want a babysitter, I should pay as it is basically not his fault that the airline have changed his flights....

I feel a bit pissed off with myself as well as DID get drawn into a conversation with him, arguing the toss about £30 for goodness' sake. It's just the attitude that got me going. If a friend say had bought tickets for a theatre show and my train into London was late, I wouldn't say, sorry, I wont give you the money for my ticket as its not my fault the train was late. Ditto, if I was in the same position, I would offer to swap, if he cant, then I would pay for a babysitter as not fair to assume that ex doesn't have plans on his nights when DS is not with him. Isn't that just being fair?

I know from the past 1.5 years that he is not necessarily a fair man and I should not be shocked by his actions/words, but, yet, again, this has left me feeling like some doormat.

Thank you all, for your input. So many thoughts on here resonate, like you Dee I have not touched monies because I have behaved softly, softly, and am somewhat afraid of retribution, also because I haven't felt that it would be ethical to take it out and that I would not like him to have done it to me. Now that he is pressurising me about the house sale tho I am becoming increasingly concerned that one day I will go to get monies out and he will have taken it. On that note I will probably take out half the money. I am still not clear on what to do about the money he has in savings. Essentially when he left he had money in savings, while I had nothing. While I acknowledge thats my fault because I had spent my money while he had saved I had also put a lot into the joint property previously in our relationship which he is now benefitting 50% of. Its just confusing, he still has other assets of mine/ours at his mothers in another country also.

Yes Springydaff, he was definitely controlling in the relationship, my first and only significant relationship and I moved in with him straight from home, so never really had independence.

Stupidly I also didn't insist that he pay half the mortgage when he left this place either so for the last two years I have been paying rental rates plus we have both been topping up our shares of the mortgage so have probably paid out £16k over the last two years more than I needed to (oh my god just worked that out and its way more than I thought)!! Guess I started doing it because I didn't want to be forced out of the house and now thats happening anyway!

God writing this just makes me feel like such a naieve idiot. God knows why I even still care what he thinks about me given how hes been treating me. Sadly I've been scared of how he might react to anything I do and what he might say to other people about me. My worry about being embarrassed about having spent my savings and him telling everyone and his potential reaction has cost me a lot!!! More than I realised!!

I think I felt sorry for him at first because he was going to have to pay for a flat plus top up the mortgage and wouldn't be able to afford it, not to mention that for the first year I was still thinking that we might get back together.

You're not naive, you've been controlled, from a young age. It is astonishing what this can do to you, the results are what you see: that you are very dependent on his opinion (he trained that into you) and also terrified that your big secret will become known.

My dear, please get on the Freedom Programme and perhaps get into some counselling. Once your eyes are opened about people like your ex it is a revelation! this man needs to be out of your psyche where he's been lodging for too long.

btw why do you think he can sell your house from under you if it is jointly owned? He can't do that - or are you compliant becaue you are terrified he will tell your secret?

Oh My Ladies. Seems there is something in the air at the moment.

So. Sad welcome to Rosemarie (said in that you are in a similar situation). I would echo what Springy says in terms of seeing a family solicitor and finding out the right path for you. Very early on in my separation (and ultimate divorce) I thought that my former husband and I would get back together so gave him access to our 'joint' savings (soley mine in reality) as he has claimed that by not having access to them (they were in my name but for our 'rainy day') had caused a wedge. Anyway, him renting a penthouse on beach and a new wardrobe and meals for mistress ploughed through that so I do know how it feels....but I did finally get my act together and see a solicitor...I'm not advocating that you hang him out to dry but you have to look out for yourself as no-one else will do this for you and as I have found the moral high ground is not taken as payment in most retail outlets! My view is if you are entitled to it, take it. I can't imagine he would have such qualms. Good Luck!

Dee. Sorry you've had the hassle of changing dates/plans. I do think that your ex is being unreasonable. I think he should either pay for a babysitter or the cancellation fee for the course. But as you say its probably not worth the heart ache for 30 quid BUT it is the principle of the thing. I wonder if it is time to consider writing up your access agreement and lodging with solicitor to put on a more formal basis if he is not adhering to it? Then at least you will be able to log the times he veers from it and have to 'use' in the future if the need so arises? In terms of holidays, in our agreement we have to inform of holiday destination/addresses and if my son is taken out of state for more than 2 nights (I know state thing diff here in Australia). I think in this instance its the 'do unto others as you would be treated' as I imagine you would want to know where your son is when he goes on holiday with ex so I don't think you are giving him 'too much information', I think its wise and it is setting a precedent for you both.

And hello to Parsely and Well and Springy!

Well. I have a bit of a 'laugh' for those of you who have been following my saga. It wasn't at time but for sheer front/glass houses affrontary its up there.

Former asks to drop son off at home to pick something up from under house of his. I have been picking up DS at local cafe since outburst outside swimming earlier this year. But things have been OK (outside of financials/house) so I say yes. He drops son back. He knows I have tenants in and out of studio. This week I have old tenant (he met last year) staying downstairs in guest room/suite as well as his adult son is in the studio as he is just back from studying overseas and they are looking for house together. Ex tenant lived her for 5 months last year, former husband met him, he is in late 50's and disabled, lovely, used to live in area for 20 years, married to well known author over here (they split there time between two other countries but he is here to sort out his son in a house), has two daughters as well, is known to friends of mine from when he lived locally....he is staying as favour and he is easy lovely lovely house-guest who I now consider friend and have talked about staying with his wife and youngest daughter in one of the countries they live in later in the year. Former husband (whilst son in earshot) - 'I am NOT happy about this, we HAVE to talk, I cannot believe it' in loud voice. DS says don't fight daddy. I say call me later. He won't leave it...anyway, net net this is what he had to say:

He cannot believe I have someone staying in same house as his son that he has not met and knows nothing about. It is unacceptable that his son is around someone he does not know and that I am putting the safety and security of our son in jeapordy. he cannot fathom how he has a much higher level of concern for the safety and security of our son. he asks if he has every spent time alone with DS. I answer truthfully (nothing to hide) that he and his son babysat my DS last week for the first and only time when DS was asleep (fyi when we get home sometimes, he will ask tenant or son to read to him and they do as they are terrifically nice people so he does know them well) and I had to PICK UP HIS PARENTS FROM THE AIRPORT. Their plan was delayed which put it v. late for son so I phoned up ex and asked him if he could pick them up but of course he couldn't as he lives in different city.....and am 150% comforable with the both of them babysitting. Cue hysteria about me leaving HIS child with 'strangers'.

I pointed out that I had not met or talked to OW (which he has actually done with ex tenant) and that he left us with no means to live on our wits and that is what I am doing and as he does not pay for or provide babysitting services it was very kind of them to babysit whilst I PICKED UP HIS SODDING PARENTS and whilst I would not impose on them again unless I had to I would be very very comfortable leaving him with them vs teenage babysitter for example.

So. There you go. The man that leaves his 2 year old, spends our money, is trying to sell house from under us, late with child support, not paid mortgage this month, introduced son to OW without telling me and first time they stayed over and went into their bed in morning for cuddles having stayed night in bed next to her son, who pretends to live in our city whilst living in another and making me stay here, is in fact a much better parent. who knew? you couldn't actually make it up could you....sorry long VENT but HONESTLY. I think he must be on drugs......

Anyway, kisses to you all
Dolly who is now seeing the funny side of it all.....

oh and he tells me is talking to his solicitor about this as its unacceptable....I can't imagine he will be just adds to the merry go round we are on....

ooh guest suite makes me sound like living in palace - I mean the entry level of the house (which is built into hill so lots of stupid levels) is a living room, bedroom and bathroom and study area which is on separate level so even though he is 'in' house we don't see him!

well, well (sorry to use your name in vain, well), Dolly, you just couldn't make this up eh. I have a friend whose husband cheated on her in the most appalling way (they are now divorced) and then some years later the vile ex gave my friend a lecture on how painful it was for their son that son's gf had cheated on son, and that friend should give their son a bit of slack. "I understand these things" he said "I'm not sure you do"

WTF IS GOING ON?? Surely this is the definition of insanity? To accuse of what they've done themselves (sorry about grammar - emotional). Somebody make some sense of this please because it boils my head.

well done for the great aplomb you showed in the face of this absurdity, Dolly! He has proved that he can not come onto your premises again - particularly as ds immediately said, when ex started kicking off, 'don't fight daddy'.

Just had a thought: this absurd behaviour could well be the key that unlocks your enforced stay in Oz...

Dee, me and ex got contact stapled down legally to the absolute letter with every eventuality factored in eg if he either of us could not honour access times, he the offender paid for cover.

I do think there is something in getting acess nailed down. mine fannies about over it, but not to that level. On the subject of 'couldn't make it up' my ph said he signed up for online dating cos dd and I wouldn't go owl-watching with him. He still thinks this is perfectly reasonable

Dolly

Perhaps this is a way to get it legally noted about his continued late child maintence payments as well as you being able to be free to move where you would like rather then being tied to the state as he is no longer living in.

Not to mention being pointed out to him that you can do as you like just as he did.

Am I missing something? What kind of airline changes its flight unless it is delayed on the day itself?? He's taking the P Dee, although you've known that for a long time.

I don't know if you've come to some arrangement, but what would happen if you just point blank refused to cover for him? It's not the first time it's happened. He abuses the agreement you have between you on a regular basis. If he can't get an earlier flight home then he'll just have to forgo his holiday altogether won't he? If he starts whinging ask him why he's making his problem your problem.

The only reason I would suggest NOT playing hardball is if you think you want to sqaudge (new word, just made it up) around your own access arrangements in the future. I can't see that he would do anything to accomodate you though, so no point in being flexible now.

Got to dash and rescue burning fishfingers. Back later...

Dolly, your ex sounds very much like he still feels he has the right to tell you what to do, why do they not get your life is now nothing to do with them. And have to agree Dee your's sounds like he just expects and wants everything to go his own way.

Had a phone call today from the estate agent wanting to know when it was convenient to come and value the house. When I said it would have to be either after 6 as I work or in the weekend he says "oh ex gave us the keys and gave us the impression it would be alright to come around any time". Well umm its not! so they can come around in the weekend when I'm home. Meanwhile have had two estate agents around today who thankfully have suggested higher valuations than what we paid for the stupid place 5 years ago. I had my doubts in this current climate.

Also got some legal advice. You were right Springy, he cannot force me to sell the house, he can refuse to pay the mortgage tho which would mean I would have to. Solicitor suggested I could drag it out and it will take a year just to get a court order. In the mean time if he urgently wants to sell, then I could potentially ask for a greater equity portion. Food for thought, in some ways would like to do this and hit him in the pocket but in other ways just want it all behind me.

Solicitor also thought it would be a good idea for me to take monies out but my stupid qualms are still in the way. Cant get my head around now why I feel like this and if it is because I am afraid of confrontation/his anger (which annoys the hell out of me that I still allowing him to make me feel me like this) or that it is ethics (and then I don't get why I care when he is treating me like crap - I guess its just difficult being in this place after a lifetime together)! On the embarrassment about secret issue Springy I spoke to another friend about this and of course she wasn't at all judgemental .. ha I went on FB the other day and tried to work out who my most judgemental friend was .. in the end I could only come up with myself and the ex!

Need to do something about this otherwise am starting to think he will but yes admit am scared of his reaction .. he is clearly trying to completely dissassociate himself from me now, after a holiday in Costa Rica and NY (lucky him) he has come home and deleted all my family from his FB friends, and weirdly enuff even mutual friends who had sided with him more than me.

Your post made me smile rosemarie re tried to work out who my most judgemental friend was .. in the end I could only come up with myself and the ex! And he was the one who started it!

I don't often nag but I want to TOTALLY NAG YOU about going to the Freedom Programme. It will open your eyes to what he has been doing to you all these years and why you are tempted to 'just put it all behind you' without a godawful fight. Please please find out where your nearest group is - I don't know if I posted this upthread but it is a series of studies on different aspects of The Dominator and your jaw will drop when you see your ex there (don't be put off that she talks about 'violence: violence is not just physical, the emotional is just as, if not more, deadly). I can't explain how a resolve sets in when you realise what they've been doing and how...