Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Na no voodoo ,thats the beauty of working thru stuff and working with positive energies,i wish him no harm,he is what he is and in the end free will always prevails,we all make choices.

Truly Patience by name and Patience by nature xx

Hello!!! Sorry for delay in catching up....am still here (just about). Ex flies out this Sunday to Nevada for his 7 night wedding/honeymoon extravaganza....just had a mini run in with him via email about him making provisions for DS in his will. Apparently 'she' is not the type of person who would just take off with his money should ex pop his clogs (we are talking 100s of thousands with all his schemes and plans in place, definitely more than 500k) and I am the bad person for thinking such a thing!!! Errr, she is not DS' mum, she has been living with him for 4.5 months only and by his own admission, they have not had an argument yet! Anyway, despite all his earlier protests (remember how he said he had set up this trust for DS and he would always make provisions for DS a priority, today he emails 'Dee34, she is not that sort of person, but I will take a day out to sort my will when I get back.' I wonder what he would have done if I am not here nagging him (probably nothing - and yep, know I need to keep on nagging on his return as pretty sure his post-honeymoon glow will ail his mind and senses even further. Just cheesed off that he is being so flippin naive about this. Would I have ever guessed or imagined that he would have an affair? No? And I am pretty sure that if anyone had asked him a couple of years ago if he would ever cheat/have an affair, he would have been aghast with rage and offended, but he is 100% sure of the character of someone he has known for 1 year only.......it is just me or is that a tad bit bonkers?!

Oh and apparently I am not to go around saying that him having an affair and leaving us is a fact. This is my fact only (apparently) and he didn't leave us, he split from me and he did not want to be parted from DS.....funny way of going about things then. You can probably guess my response to him when he came out with that (a laugh and then silence - trying to learn my lesson not to engage with crazy folk)!!

Detachement is going swimmingly I think! And from a distance, I can see the kind of slippery character ex is (and also the seriously fucked up person he is.....three weeks ago he was going on about how I had given him signs that I had moved on and he could not come back - back when I was faking it until I made it - obviously worked a treat! How he regretted his actions (his words) and then today, its like pouff....there was no affair etc). I emailed him originally to get the whole calls for next week discussion out of the way. I suggested 2 days a week for him to call and the provision that I would contact him if anything serious came up with DS that warranted a call.....he comes back asking for 3 nights (and completely different days to what I had suggested!). I told him where to stick it.....DS doesnt talk to him on the phone as it is (despite encouragement), so i bloody well not going to follow him around the house at the behest of ex who is on his honeymoon.....And funnily enough ex forgot to phone DS twice this week when he was supposed to......

As for me....things are going well. Been trying my hand at internet dating and met a very nice guy on one site. Went for a date yesterday.....nice, but nothing serious (oh and very nice to have a snog from a very fit looking man. Complete opposite to ex, but figured I am allowed to be a bit shallow just once...).

Work is going well - I now have to manage a team (gulp). Am still hopeful that I can apply for part-time working next year...will see....still doing bootcamp and generally trying to love my new life now. Getting there - I no longer have the rose tinted glasses around ex and I can finally, finally see that I am a million years better off without him.

Dolly - glad that the child psychotherapist has helped your DS and good on you for responses and reactions to your ILs. Very dignified under pressure. Go you! Ditto for the crush - go for it!

Patience - sorry to hear about the amount proffered by the CSA.....agree with Dolly about investing in a lottery ticket.......just re-reading the bit you wrote about how they start to believe the lies...can see that so clearly with ex and him now having an affair. Am sure he will dream up something. Its quite scary though...how a lucid person can be become so distorted.....weird.

Springy - spot-on advice as always! Could try for another date in Dec........

Well - so sorry you are having to go though this. The one bit of advice I took from here was to allow myself time. Time to mourn the relationship, time to decide what I wanted to do, time to move on. Yes, this Christmas will be hard as lone parents, but we can get through it (I hope!). How are you dividing up the holiday period etc?

Proper post as dashing but just wanted to say Dee re snogging fit man 'woooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'. made my day xxx

Thanks Dolly! It was very nice, have to say....he asked me out for dinner yesterday, but had to say no as had DS as ex couldnt have him overnight as they fly out (or flew out) early today for their wedding. In hindsight, I should have said 'no, you have to look after him and bring him back in the am at whatever time' as imagine having a toddler to look after would have eaten into their evening of last min prep - and of course I would have been able to go out! But I agreed for DS to come back early, so there you go! Wont get to see fit guy (he is a paramedic - shall I just call him the Paramedic?) until first week in Dec now as with ex being away, it wipes out next weekend as well......

As for the ex, bearing in mind, he had DS all day yesterday and didn't bring him home until 8pm, he sends a text at 8.40am asking if he can speak to DS and how is he today.....lordy, would have thought he would be cushing down into the executive lounge with Miss San Fran with fingers entwined giggling nervously about their pending nuptials (or at least following her around the duty free). Reminds me of the early days when he did all this excessive contact (we have already agreed the days and times he will phone DS and its not today - and I have said I will let him know if DS asks for him - probably regret that last bit, but was more to get him off my back in terms of not calling every other day. If he was on business, maybe, but he will be on his honeymoon for goodness' sake and the less contact I have with him the better this week). Anyway, promptly ignored him, so hopefully he will get the message.....

I disagree Dee. There is nothing you can do to make him sort out a will. You can nag him until you are blue in the face, if he doesn't bother he doesn't do it. At the end of the day this will now be between your ex and his wife. If he drops dead before your son reaches adulthood I believe you can make some claim against his estate for your son (don't hold me to that I am not a legal person) apart from this there is nothing you can do.

You need to not nag him any more. All you can do is make sure you provide for your DS. If the selfish wanker doesn't you cannot do anything and it isn't really down to you or any of your business to nag etc any more even though we all know you are doing it for your son.

Just as he has no right to tell you what you cannot go around saying about him and her. He can try and rewrite his history with her so it looks better, simple fact/truth is he got with her when still with you, lied to her about being single, then dumped you for her and suggested you and your DS moved out with no where to go and nothing but savings to support you! That is fact, he can say what he likes you do not have to do what he says!

The wanker is still at it isn't he trying to make you think there was still a little chance, that he was thinking about coming back (thinking, not considering or really going to do) when he is off to get married!!!! What a twat. Your laugh and silence was perfect! Just tell him this conversation is not appropriate, hang up, walk away or close the door. You don't have to listen or take part in these conversations.

Take internet dating with a pinch of salt, have fun and keep it light! Oh and condoms all the way!!!! Wise mumsnet quote 'The best way to get over a man is to get under another'

Hi Xales....sigh, think you are right and I am flogging a dead horse here. As husband and wife, he/they will now decide how to split their assets and yep, it has nothing to do with me. Am rightly peed off and dont expect ex to pull his finger out on this or do something substantial for DS, so have to let it go and focus on my own provisions for DS now. So, yes, have resolved to stop the nagging (and reserve my energy for other things that I can influence in my own life).

Yes - absolute madness how it is not a fact that he had an affair (I think he seriously believes the drivel that they may have dreamt up now - they are still playing the 'we just fell in love, couldn't help it and oh so very sad that anyone got hurt in the process (but hey, hurry up and move on Dee34!)' line). Bizarre and I dont want to encourage him by questioning his reasoning here, so they can pretty much think what they like.

When he dropped DS off yesterday he was lingering around on the doorstep - after some silence and staring each other out (I was in glare mode) I asked him 'yes, anything else', he replied 'uh, no, nothing' at which point I closed the door. I think he does think that he is keeping me on the back burner/checking if I still have an interest in him. Truth is, as much as I was/am still hurting, my feelings for ex have been obliterated a long time ago. When he turned up yesterday I just thought he looked a complete mess. He is still very overweight (DS who now knows the word 'boobies' pointed to mine, said 'mummy's boobies' and then pointed to his dads and said 'daddy's boobies'), and his hair is more or less grey now with flecks of brown (twas the other way round at the beginning of the year). This is all combined with the young and hip look he is attempting via clothes, haircut and glasses......very superficial I know, but with the character flaw he has shown, it doesn't add up to anything I would be interested in now.

ID - hmmmmm, well, the Paramedic is nothing serious (I hope! Dont want to go all goo-eyed and marry the first person I meet!). It is a bit 'nice' but definitely no fireworks or signs of even a relationship, but that's fine with me, I think. Its my first foray into the murky waters after much cajoling from (well meaning) friends and family. To be honest, in two weeks time I may well just fancy staying in and watching the X Factor....then again, I may not! But sterling advice - thanks!

Well - was wondering if anyone who has been through similar has any survival tips for the xmas season? I think my situation may be a bit easier as to be honest, I had a crap time last year and at least I can look back and think 'yes, I am in my own home with DS and not in Scotland with ex's parents' etc). Ditto, when it came to doing anything Christmassy I did it all on my own (food shopping, pressie shopping (including deciding what to buy ex's family and DS). Ex wouldn't even come shopping with me, so I have nothing to miss in that regard I guess. I have already arranged for him to have DS on NYE, seeing as he had last year 'off' in SF with his then-lover. No way am I sitting indoors waiting for midnight to strike and the memory of this time last year when at about 12.05am he told me that he had met someone else, didn't love me, didn't want to work on things, she was in the UK and not there with him and I had had my chance and it was done. I think that will be tough for me, that and the memories of the complete mess I was at the time......ugghh...

Right - DS up and now ready for party number 2!

Hmmmmmm....with the Paramedic...may well buy some (cough, cough) condoms, you know, just in case. Well, it has been over a year now and I think that I may well pounce on the poor man next time I see him...

Hello Dee

This week is bound to be a little strange knowing what is happening in the US so I would imagine that Paramedic may be the perfect antidote! Could you get a friend to babysit to nip out for a sneaky dinner?? Regardless, he sounds like a nice first foray into the dating world. Its hard re the will. I am going to have to raise at some point with ex as he is kind of defacto living with OW and her child and worried that is anything happens to him she could have a claim...am leaving for now though until/if they get married or live together properly....

...quick question/sanity check from you wise ladies. son is spending significant time in Canberra at her home. I have asked ex if he can let me know her home tel/address for emergencies (thinking if they go out leaving babysitter and something happens have no idea where they live / if anything happens to my parents in UK etc and need to leave Australia quickly - also I am just not comfortable having no idea where son is although maybe I have to suck that up - do I??). I'll cut the tooing and frooing emails out but ex has said no as he doesnt want me to 'abuse' the information. I pointed out that I know where she works and have her mobile etc and have only sent 1 email and cc'd her in on another one a considerable time ago so if I wanted to act like a lunatic I have had significant opportunity to date. However I said irrespective it is for emergencies only so perhaps as a compromise he could give deatails to either his parents or sister so they have them to pass in in case. Again a no. Am I being unreasonable? If I spent w/ends at a boyfriends that ex was aware of I would have no problems giving the address etc - or am I the unreasonable one for wanting to know where DS is??......discuss xx

Hi Dolly......wish I could go out for dinner, but he lives in another town (not too far away, but away enough that it would be a bit of a trek esp after a long day at work and then having to get a babysitter/friend over..nice idea though!

Regarding your query - I would ask for the same info (I think), but would suggest ex gives it to his sister or a mutual friend as you have done if only to make it easier for him to agree. I think it is a bit unreasonable as you only have his mobile number to contact in an emergency if he were in Canberra....

I think this week will be made that bit harder by ex....after texts yesterday, there was another one today asking for DS' shoe size. Fair enough, I am not 'flattering' myself that ex is contacting me to contact me, but you would think he would have a bit of sensitivity about him and say to himself 'hmmm, I am on my wedding/honeymoon with woman I dumped Dee34 for (along with selling the house for etc etc), maybe I will give her some space this week and keep contact to bare minimum. After all it is my choice to be away for 7 nights on said wedding/honeymoon, so I need to bear the brunt of missing DS etc'....but, apparently not. Wonder if I should expect another message tomorrow? It just pisses me off that he is off on holiday/honeymoon/wedding and he can still burrow away into my mind, esp as we agreed very clearly that he would phone for DS on Tues and Thurs this week and I would contact him only in an emergency. So annoying.......

Dx

Dee, This is the perfect time to get that second mobile/new sim. Truly. Do it tomorrow (Tesco ones are cheap as chips, the sim-only deals from 02, Orange, etc are cheap, too) and free yourself from this week when he WILL torture you by making sure you think of him every day by being in contact.

Take back some control here. You're doing so well, a new phone will be a huge step forwards for you.

Big hugs.
x

Hi Darling

Oh sweets I feel for you. Irrespective of how amazingly far you have come - and you have you really have - the interuption of your day seeing his name on your texts of course throws up feelings. Currently I have only to see ex once a fortnight due to kindy pick up and drop offs in the meantime and everytime I see him it puts me in a bad mood. Unfortunately, he isn't thinking of you at all - just so he can say in his new narrative - gosh I am such a great father I phoned DS every day from my wedding/honeymoon and show new wifey how fabulous he is etc etc - thinking of him really not DS and sadly not you darling. SO. In the absence of hot dinner with hot paramedic in hot uniform (vroom vroom) please do try to do lovely things for you - whatever floats your boat (in between work and single parenting which I know is easier said that done - sounds like work going great - well done!!) - but just something treaty and nice (not necc something that costs.....)

I have emailed ex again to ask if he can give details to out-laws. Can't see why he woudn't but can't begin to understand him so hey ho. Am going to leave till NY if he won't and then address again possibly legally. I am very excited as less than 3 weeks till UK. If you knew me - and I hope we can arrange a meet up - I am person least likely to utter the following words - just booked YMCA for three nights in HK for stopover on way back but am proud that am cutting my cloth accordingly and its also a great location nxt to ferries, museums, over the road from 8pm nightly laser show and right nxt to Peninsular Hotel so hoping we can do swanky afternoon tea one day. It actually looks pretty OK and has indoor pool (will be cold) for DS and honestly I hope we will be out most of the day.....ooh fond wistful look over shoulder to Mr & Mrs Smith hotels and Four Seasons of corporate days.....excited though will be nice and extra money for treats when we are there....I know this sounds horribly spoiled and we are lucky to be there at all but I figure I can be truthful here!!

Had a nice playdate with friend and her mother who is house sitting whilst I am gone...she is newish friend and am trying to count blessings of people that I woudn't have met if ex hadn't left me...she is one and had 40th birthday lunch at another's on Saturday - lovely people so really the world is opening up to us. To remember that pre-packed Oh the Places You Will Go in carry on for journey to remind me when I am having a wobble on way home...still feel a bit loserish coming home as 41 year old divorcee single mother. Perfect idiocy I know but .....

Kisses
Dolly xxx

I think that US shoes sizes are different to UK ones like clothing. A UK size 1 will be a US size 2 but I am sure your ex is a smart cookie and would buy one or two sizes up for future wear not current sizes, right...

Xales - you would think so wouldn't you re. getting a couple of sizes bigger (therefore erradicating any need to contact me. Even when he is here in the country I will do my upmost to not contact him unless its an emergency, nevermind if I was on my honeymoon/wedding jaunt).

He phoned to talk to DS yesterday (as per agreement). Cue lots of 'I love you' over and over. DS not interested and kept running away. I did my bit by encouraging DS to at least say hello and bye inbetween him playing dinosaurs. And that was that. I had thought I would be fuming with rage when he rang, but......nothing. I was actually thinking about whether to have a bit of pork or salmon for my dinner (!!).

Dolly - yes, I would agree to push for address details in the NY. I've just remembered that ages ago (well, a few months ago), when I first got the bone of this will business in my jaw when ex announced that he was getting married (before she arrived here or he was even living with her - must be true love and forever, ever....), he agreed that he would lodge any paperwork regarding will and provisons in will for DS with his sister (I suggested this in case he felt uneasy with me having access to what his will contains). Of course whether he ever gets his will 'sorted' is another matter, but I really dont see what your ex's issue is with this. If he gave address to his folks, then they would be a gate anyway to you accessing it anyway (not saying that you need such a thing in the first place iyswim). They can say 'err, no Dolly, you dont need his landline number there just because you want to check DS's shoe size' or something else trivial. Defo push in the NY (in my opinion). Oh and no way are you a loser! So dump those ideas right now lady!

Ahhh, yes, must have a re-read of The Places You Will Go - I used to read this daily. A good habit for me.....

And yep, will think of lovely things to do for me.....have arranged some things for 2012 including a couple of courses that just grab me. All in London so get to get away from here on those days/weekends ex has DS and do a interesting course, hopefully meet new people and see family and friends in the evening to boot. I'm also trying to look on the bright side now and focus more on the positives that I would not have had access to beforehand (or just didn't bother with before as settled into humdrum routine e.g. gym at lunchtime whilst at work - hated the very idea with the whole faffing with showers and getting dressed and going back to the office, but now, I relish the opportunity, partly because I dont have the flexibility to go whenever I want to etc). Talking of which - meet-up; when and where (London)?

enuff - I'll check Tesco's on the way home then! Need to get DS an xmas themed outfit for his first Christmas Carol concert on Friday evening (bad mummy - have left the big outfit to the last minute. Must be more organised).

I think you are doing fabulously Dee - this is bound to be an odd week for you. Good grief, I almost start to pity the NW although one reaps what one sows so I don't feel that sorry for her. She must be insane. Who in the right mind would get married to a man so quickly and who'd just walked out on his partner and their child. It beggars belief.

I have cheered myself up a bit by reading some of the MIL/Christmas dilemma/fighty threads on the other boards. All those who are thrilled to not have to spend or negotiate not spending another christmas with a bonkers MIL, or have to hear her ship's foghorn honking again, raise their hand.....

Hello Well

Raises hand!!! In my instance its that i don't have to eat/accomodate at my chic table/pretend to like her great great great great grandmother's 'tomato surprise' as part of xmas lunch (relatives came over on the Oz equivalent of Mayflower and tradition ever since).....the surprise is its stale bread baked with tomatoes and tastes like shit......NO MORE - hurrah!!! xxxx

Well/Dolly - definitely one to join the club here! It is the silver lining for me - that I don't have to spend another Christmas with ex's parents. These are the parents that so adore their first born GS that they insist on spending 'time' with us over seasonal period for last 3 years for excessive amounts of time, whilst not helping much or giving us me any relief from childcare, bar playing with DS every now and then, and, as mentioned a hundred times, have only been to see DS once this year and that was back in April. And they only live in Scotland, near the airport. Didn't even come down for DS' birthday in August - and that was another occasion that they used to come down to and park themselves in our house for near on 2 weeks (part of me does wonder if new gf being here had anything to do with it....as in ex just doesn't have room in his rented house for them to stay, not without him and new gf giving up their bedroom - his house is small - and they would never stay in a B+B or hotel). When I was 'moaning' to ex last xmas about how it would be good to have Christmas day in our own house just the three of us and start our own traditions (bearing in mind, ex's family had none that were in evidence at his folks and his own sister had done this, not showing up at her parents until late afternoon as she wanted her family to 'spend time together and do their own thing') ex was not in the slightest bit interested, for obvious reasons as he was plotting his escape. I can almost laugh at it all now - laugh at the knob he is of course.... Anyway, slight mumblings - sorry!

So, I have the SIM at last! How do I announce this to ex? Should I just say 'oh, my mobile number has changed now' and give him the new number and not let on that old number is still working?

The newly-weds are back today, so expect my current mobile to get hit with a text/call to ask if he can see DS today depending on the time he arrives back (answer will be no as we have plans today and he will see DS tomorrow when he does nursery pm run - I guess if he was that keen to see DS after the absence, he could have taken a day off tomorrow to take DS out of nursery etc). The week has been okay, given circumstances. Had a lovely week with DS without interruption and we have done lots. Yesterday was a trip to a Christmas Fair, play place and cinema (Arthur Christmas - DS loved it, me too!) with a non-nursery friend we dont get much of a chance to see. Today, we are off to an outdoor market this morning and then to the theatre to see a childrens show and lunch out. He did send me another text on Friday asking me how DS' christmas concert went (it didn't - will explain in due course) and instructing me to tell DS that his daddy loved him and missed him (as if I dont say that when DS is upset?! Was cheesed off that his text speak was devoid of any politeness, just terse instructions). My main worry about seeing ex now is how I will react when I see him - and more specifically his blimmin wedding band. I know I need to act cool, detached and devoid of any emotion, but not sure how. I could look on it as a pity fest and think to myself 'poor fool/fools', but need to keep handover as short and brief as possible.....

Hi Dee, just wondering how you're doing?

Come back when you get the chance.

Hi Cenicienta....thanks for the check. I am not doing too well at the moment - well last few days really, but have noticed the other threads and what some other people are going through and feel like I just need to give myself a good shaking and get a grip as my situation could have been a lot worse. I am just feeling huge waves of melancholy at the moment. Ex has announced his Xmas plans (he is staying put here as he doesn't want to fly up to Scotland for a few days then come back here and pick up DS and fly back up - he is planning on taking DS to Scotland when he has him for a few days after Xmas). For me, it smarts that now he is prepared to stay put in our local area and have a cosy Xmas with new wife and yet in the 11 years we were together, before we had DS, we only spent 1 Xmas together and that was because we decided to fly out to Hong Kong on Christmas Day as flights were cheaper when we went backpacking round Oz.......every other Xmas he raced as fast as he could to spend time with his parents..even our last Christmas as couple when I was around 4-5 weeks pregnant having suffered a miscarriage back in the March of the same year, he preferred to go to Scotland....I know a lot of it was my doing as I accepted this and how he frequently lamented that it was the only time he got to see his parents, and I know I shouldn't care, but how come he can suddenly flip?? Makes me feel pretty worthless (even more so) really.....

Things have fizzled out with the paramedic - we met up for a meal - it was nice, but no real spark and he lives a good distance away from me for it to even be worth pursuing as a casual/friends thing. Again, my overworking mind, combined with seasonal mood and recent developments has me thinking 'why?' Why should ex be off living some dream fantasy life/set-up of cosy coupledom and seeing DS part-time to fulfil his role as the great and dutiful dad? I don't even know if I want to be with/meet someone just yet (I suspect not) but I guess its all the planning, maybe coming so soon on the back of the wedding and the anniversary of what ex was up to this time last year (in fact, this day last year was when they first slept together in the US, whilst DS and I were stuck in our house due to snowfall and icy roads). I really don't know. I have a lot to be thankful for - lovely DS, good job, roof over our heads, great friends and family and a life with many facets, but I just feel like I am stuck at the moment - don't know why and I don't want to sound like I am moaning (probably am). I am just feeling like 'blah' - don't want to do anything really......I hope this is normal?

Trying to keep myself busy with work, friends, books, all sorts really, but to not much avail.....am hopeful that I will go to bed one day this week and wake up and be back to how I was a few days ago.....

Tbh Dee i dont think there are any shortcuts.You just have to work through the loss,anger and sadness.Sometimes at my strongest and happiest i would just hit a slump and it was as if my mind thought i was ready to work through some more pain.When it happens now i just sit with it and feel the emotion,then i can let it go forever.On bad days i still think THIS TOO SHALL PASS,and it always does.You have had so much to process.take care xxxx

Of course it's going to hurt. It's not so much about how much you love(d) him by now, it's all the little things he does that leave you feeling really worthless, how come he does that for / with her when he never did that for / with me?

A lot of you feeling bad is because he seems to be treating this new woman better and with more respect than he treated you. But just imagine what it'll be like a few years down the line when he's treating new woman just as badly, dragging her off to Scotland, setting the timer to give her half an hour to get showered and dressed in the morning, bored and looking for someone else to boost his ego. By then she'll be sitting through yet another miserable Christmas in Scotland realising his true colours and you'll have moved on, maybe with someone else, but even if not you'll still have the advantage because a)you had a lucky escape and b) you'll have the benefit of experience to make sure you don't end up with someone like that again. Oh and c) you don't ever have to spend Christmas in Scotland again.

You know you had a lucky escape, you just need to go easy on yourself whilst your heart catches up. Your life WILL be better without him.

Dee Darling

So sorry you are feeling blah darling. I can totally understand it and am still kind of in and out of that phase. Honestly, the marriage and now xmas thing is enough to send you into a bit of a funk - and even though realistically we know the first person we had a date with won't be our prince charming, its still annoying when there is no spark (remember my hot architect with whom I had lots of spark - was gutted when that ended even though it was always probable). I think xmas is also the time for refelction when it appears the world is full of 'happy' families and it can feel a bit like pressing your nose against a window of a lively restaurant full of families and friends (btw have pm'd you re meet up so we can be IN the restaurant). There isn't a silver bullet answer, I guess it is just getting through and making sure that a blue patch doesn't slide into anything more 'serious'. You have done SO SO SO well though and in a way its a bit like after a funeral....you have had to sell house, move, get job, do job, manage son, manage drama, manage new life and now you are on more of a plateau it can sink in a little more. Kisses lovey and try and go out for xmas drinkies and things if you can even if you dont' necessarily feel like it.

We are off to UK later this week - hurrah. Less hurrah though is ex predictably three days before we go issuing ultimatums about sale of house. We are currently both paying half mortgage - we are out of our favourable interest rate so refinanced for us - he was aware - to save us 1K per month (500 dollars each). Day he was supposed to sign he has said that on reflection he does not want to make it more affordable to live in the house as he feels I am not doing enough to sell it so we remain with ludicriously high mortgage which is cutting his own throat and quite literally taking 500 dollars out of his son's mouth/activities/clothes per month. It is just pure spite and frankly if someone can be that much of a tosser when a child is involved then good luck to him. Crazy huh. So, my 6 weeks a year I can spend with family, recharging are going to be filled with legal shit. Ding dong merrily on high ; (

On the brightside DS seems much better and on an even keel and can't wait to have lots of grandparent babysitting soon!! xxxx

Huge thanks for the guiding words and clarity on the situation....

Patience - yes, I do think I need to sit and absorb the feelings and the moment, maybe more so than trying to bury it under a flurry of activity of stuff to do. And so true about when this occurs. Things have been going well and it is totally like suddenly my heart catches up and everything just gets knocked for 6 (again). Need to remind myself of that 'This too shall past', esp when it seems like it never ever will...

Cencienta - thats the nail on the head really. its like 'hey, hold on how come he can bend over backwards for her and not me?'. Though I have just remembered what my counsellor encouraged me to think about....how I should think how ex treated me in the beginning of our relationship and to actually accept that of course, he would do the same for his new partner...yes, no more drawn out Christmas holidays in Scotland (nothing against Scotland the country/people of course). Yes, need to get that 'lucky escape' t-shirt back on - hard though at times.

Dolly - yes, date was a bit of a let-down in that regard, but was/is good to get back out there and see what/whom is available. i think he was so nice on the phone, text etc that i hadn't set expectations for after meeting him.

Am feeling moderately better today - will keep in mind the 'care' points above.

Ex is chipping away at my exterior by asking for us to be 'friends' again (as in, he has already asked a few times and I have given him short shrift on this). I totally see why he wants this (acceptance, to ease any guilt, just move on), but I dont see how he cant see that this request is beyond mad at this moment in time

Dolly - yes, will PM you back! Sorry - been in this funk and mooching around. Hopefully will work my way out of it. Sorry to hear about the boot getting stuck in re mortgage - does your ex realise that he is just spiting himself?! So glad to hear that your DS is better and getting through things

Dolly, I sincerely hope your ex gets hung on the gallows he has prepared for you! Bible story - Haman? (guessing!). Are you going to see a lawyer while you're here? About the possibility of you staying here...

Writing 'gallows' has reminded me of a Garrow's Law I saw the other night (British series about a 17th century lawyer - at least I think it's 17thC: wigs). The longrunning theme is that Garrow hooked up with a toff's wife, who left toff for Garrow; said toff kept their baby, arguing that it was his property (as it was in those days). But he did it to spite her and cause her as much pain as possible. The upshot of it was that, as toff had a thirst for power, she found a way to give him some power.. and got her baby back as a bargaining tool. I hope it isn't offensive to equate what you are going through with a fictional tv series ... but there is a grain of truth in that. That is, to lock horns with someone like this leaves you bloodied and half dead ( t-shirt !!); their ire/powerlust/ego is bottomless: better to play along somehow, stroke his ego somehow, give him what he wants somehow. Without compromising yourself and ds but getting what you want. It may be early days for that Dolly but possibly a strategy for future ref? Because imo it is strategy you need when you are dealing with someone like this, being as the human doesn't exist for you to appeal to.

Dee, glad you've got some sound advice here. Although your ex is a nutjob, I don't think he has the same leverage as Dee's ex, is anyway too infatuated with himself at the moment to notice anything much. Friends? No, because that would be handing you your lines in bold: this is what Dee says in my play, which is about my fabulous self.

Of course you're feeling shit that he's putting himself out for himself her, esp when he had you on a tight rein come the end. He'll get round to her soon enough (when his west end play bombs), no worries. Small consolation though, for now. As Patience says, you've got to sit with the shitty hurt of it for a short while . It looks like your worth is summed up by how he treated you, her worth by how he is treating her; but that's not true is it?