Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Hello Ladies

Rosemarie - so glad you went to see solicitor so at least you have knowledge even if you are not sure what to do with it....and stick firm on having the valuer come around when you want to and not when ex wants to. It does seem that when they leave they lose site of fact that 'we' are still actual people and not just background figures who are willing to accept anything they decide to put out there. On the money front lovey I am going to be harsh (I wish I had taken my own advise). Take it out of your 'joint' savings and put it into a separate bank account in your name as you are entitled to. I'm not saying spend it or ultimately decide to keep it all but if YOU have it then it is YOUR decision what to do with it or ultimately how to split it when you are in a clearer headspace. You don't want to have someone else taking the decision for you or forcing your hand - that is not a good place to be in believe me.

We are trundling along with latest little gem being ex has changed jobs it seems. This would explain the few months of late child support and fuckwitter. Quite why he couldn't say - Dolly I'm changing jobs, have cash flow issues, bear with me' - is beyond me. Also in terms of emergency details for Kindy etc it would have been the responsible thing to have let me know - I still don't officially know but fucktard send me berating email about house from odd email address so detective Dolly looked up his linkedin account to confirm....prob explains the month long luxury holiday as guess he may have taken redundancy or been on gardening leave....have emailed him to ask him to update Kindy details like a normal adult (didn't use those words)....I'm not sure of the need for playing secret squirrel but I now accept that for whatever reason this is his thing. go figure.

Finally a quote for the weekend - from an author called William Gibson that made me giggle

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low selfesteem ? first make sure you are not in fact just surrounded by assholes"

very apt!

Lots of love to one and all
Dolly xx

Rosemarie,
sorry to hijack thread OP...
just thinking that if you have money that is in joint names then take 50% & put it in your name. Do NOT trust them to be reasonable! MY XH (0f 24&3/4 years) has recently been uncovered as cashing in £12,000 life insurance policy,which he didnt declare as having in the divorce settlement. IME do NOT trust them, its not about who they were but what they have become (& OW features strongly in that!)

rosemarie: if he gets wind that you're consulting lawyers etc he'll dive straight for that joint account - SO GET IN FIRST

You're not ashamed of your 'secret' to the point where you are hammered down with shame don't think you deserve the money are you? Abusive, controlling men often use a personal 'secret' that has caused much embarrassment and shame (AT THE TIME) to hold it over you and keep it running for ever. and ever. using it as evidence that you are worth nothing. don't fall for it sweetie.

Fabulous quote Dolly. YOu can't know how apt that is in my life at present...

Well ladies told the real estate agent appointed by the ex that no he could not come around and have a locksmith coming out on Tuesday to change the locks. Still haven't worked up the nerve to take money out of joint account, hopefully will tommorrow, god it makes me so mad that I feel bad about this .. wondering if its because I feel like this will be the final nail in the coffin so to speak .. although he has already made it 100% clear it is over. Also feel like I want to leave it until the lock has been changed, but worried that my attitude about the estate agent will spark him into action .. I am going to feel like such a muppet if he does it ahead of me. I know this and yet there is still something holding me back lol! Also wondering if it is worth the aggravation to do it because presumably I could refuse to sell the house unless he recompenses me??? Despite talking to the solicitor realise I still don't have clear understanding of how this all works. I don't think I'm stupid, it all just seems like such a minefield to be negotiating!

You are right to feel nervous that he will act quickly because imo he will move like lightening once he gets a whiff that the goalposts are changing and he is losing control of you. He has played you for a very long time and knows precisely how it works so any change, no matter how small, will register on his radar with a flashing beacon.

It is better if you are going to be making a big change that you plan it well in advance so you are ready for his counter attacks and block them before he can act them out. I appreciate that you are only just beginning to surface from years of his control but by acting before a plan is in place you are, as I said, sending a postcard with a very clear indication of where you're coming from.. without a plan to block his attempts to wrestle back his control over you. Which he will. He will also be far more deadly than you can imagine.

Please call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 to talk this through for as long as you need to - they will support you through it. They will also put you in touch with legal support and practical support services.

Unfortunately, to get your life back from him you are going to have to put in the groundwork (re as much research and support from relevant agencies as possible - it is readily available but you must use it: you are in a war and it is serious) because his hold over you (emotionally and psychologically as well as practically/financially) is not going to dissolve overnight. He's not going to say 'ah yes, you're right, I'll play fair' because he really won't play fair. If anything, he'll be far less 'fair' than anything in the past. If you think you've suffered at his hands before now you have no idea how dangerous it is to wave a red rag before him: he will gore you and you won't know what has hit you.

A very obvious and very available resource is eg the Freedom Programme, which lays out very clearly the tactics of controlling dominators: knowledge is power (please see links in my previous post). Hoping he'll see sense and be nice is plain mad with someone like this. I feel very nervous indeed that you have taken steps without protecting what belongs to you re leaving your bank account wide open. Of course he will take it (and it also very likely he will take more than his share, too) - he will punish you for stepping out of your box, for challenging his power over you.

When my ex knew he no longer had control over me it got so bad I had to involve the police .He has never been reasonable since split Nov 2009.I honestly never EVER imagined the head fck involved .
I identify with annihilation "Well"I was well and truly annihialated with lies ,deciet,manipulation,misplaced hope,misplaced trust ,you name it he fecking well did it after 16yr relationship.I have tried to divorce him x3 this time it should go through ,2 previous attempts he never returned the paperwork to court .All i know is yeah ur ex may be reasonable BUT I have NEVER heard of an ex that was ,especially when money ,property is involved and new woman in his life .I heard recently about a guy that actually said to his wife during child maintenance negotiations ,"That wont leave me with any money to take my gf out "They are so far up their selfish arses they truly believe they are in the right .My ex doesnt pay any maintenance to the kids or has any contact I NEVER believed he could live without his kids .Turns out he can ....WOW!What I am trying to say is prepare urself with worse case scenario and the possibility that it could be ten times worse than that and if it aint ,its a bonus ,if he is a wanker then we are here to hold ur hand .
ps i am not a man hater lol just hate men abusing the power balance in a relationship ,being aware of it and being manipulative and/or physically abusive bastards !
Hope everyone is fab and continuing to put one foot in front of the other .

read this recently ........
We can choose to become "BITTER or BETTER " after all of this

BETTER sounds a bloody good choice to me :) xxxxxx

Rosemarie - I can only agree with what others have said - please take the money from your account today. I totally understand your reluctance when you say "it feels like another nail in the coffin", but you know deep down it's over (as much as you may wish it were not) and you have to think with your head. Your ex is no longer the person you thought he was. He is not your friend, your confidante, and he doesn't have your back. As soon as he finds out that you aren't doing everything on his terms (re the estate agent), as horrible as this sounds, he's going to be very irritated by you. Even a year on after some awful awful things that my ex has done to me, I've just changed his name to "Mr Hyde" in my telephone to remind myself that when he calls I am dealing with a stranger, and a malevolent one at that.

Please take your money today. If you don't, he will - he doesn't care what you think about him

Locks are changed and monies have been transferred from joint account to my own - have emailed ex to tell him I have done this so am now waiting for things to kick off. My stomach is turning, and I have a (highly irrational I think) fear that he will be able to get the money out of my account. I just know that I have to take care of my best interests now as opposed to wanting to retain his goodwill. Also really resent the fact that it would not be just him getting my money but also his new girlfriend. Am determined not to not take action because of I am afraid of what might happen.

Springy .. I really need to lose that feeling that his opinion counts, I guess its because for so many years it did

Patience .. Better (and stronger) sounds good to me, I want to get this over and done with now and behind me

Well .. your comments that "he is not my friend, your confidante and doesn't have your back" and that "he doesn't care what you think about him" really hit home!

Dolly, likewise your comment that "if you have it then its your decision" struck bells

I am going to keep fingers crossed that this doesn't get to nasty but sadly will expect the worst.

Heres hoping you and all our other female friends in this kind of situation are doing OK!!

Well done rosemarie. I know it's a scary thing to do because you've drawn your line in the sand now and there's likely to be a bit of a shit storm ahead.

Time to batten down the hatches. Stand firm in the face of terrorism! (It has honestly felt like I've been terrorised over the last year. At one point my ex was holding the fucking travel cot hostage and refusing to let me have it. He relented when I said that we Brits stand firm in the face of terrorism and he could cut the fucking travel cot's head off on live on the internet and I still wouldn't give him what he wanted).

Thanks Well, I have to say that I have never felt more alone and vulnerable than I do right at this moment ..

Well done! Well done rosemarie. Are you convinced you have done the right thing? or have you done it because you feel you ought to? It's important to be clear iyswim.

Now what? YOu say you are waiting for the shit to hit the fan, do you have a plan? It's good to get as much info and support on your side as is humanly possible to face the enemy. Remember, he is the master at this, has been doing this for a very long time, and you are only just starting - you need to get trained up pronto! It's all out there - unlike the old days when there was nothing and men fleeced and totally controlled women who dared to disobey them , backed by the law, left and right. Things are so different now and the help and support is out there but you do have to go out and get it. Do you have a lawyer? I think you may need one, or at least legal advice (womens aid will help you with this and will support you all the way). If you don't understand the legal advice it is your prerogative to ask for further explanation - it may be that your previous lawyer was opaque (and even if s/he wasn't, you need to understand the process in order to work it, to make decisions, to instruct your solicitors etc and it's their job to explain it properly).

I do appreciate that feeling of feeling very alone. It is because you are beginning to uproot years of conditioning. Many, many women have walked the same path, with all the confusion and fear, you are not alone. It may help to start a fresh thread because the many women on MN who have experienced similar will be right there with you. That's not to say the women on Dee's thread aren't fab! Just that you may get more posters on a fresh thread. You are facing a specific situation and it may help to see, by the response, that you are far from alone.

btw did the half (in the joint account) belong to you, or more? YOu have sent a shot across the bows and it would be wise to get as knowledgeable as possible in every way you can.

You are resolutely ignoring my suggestions about the Freedom Programme! Is there a reason why you may be reluctant to go to a programme that specifically addresses the situation you are facing; and meeting other women who are going through similar? ...

Any word back from Lord Fuckwitt rosemarie?

How is everyone else on the thread? I hope you are all thriving.

Kisses to all.

Hello Everyone

Yes, Rosemarie - hope things have gone OK for you - its SUCH a hard time and so hard to get your head around the fact that the people we loved and bet our lives on are no longer thinking of us in the same way....I'm still not 100% there - when former husband does some things it literally takes my breath away as I forget that he is no longer the person I knew (this month not paid his half of mortgage or house insurance - sorry Dolly I would if I could (but spent all of my money on OW, month luxury holiday to the USA and have to keep up payments on my luxury car....oh and child support will be late this month too).....que fucking sera....it hurts less though now, time does help.

As does the - and going to sneak this in - two nights I'm going to be spending in the company of a rather delicious man in the City at the weekend ; ) .....LONG story and too involved to go into here but as lovely lovely as he is (very lovely and smart, currently making a movie) very different lives and currently different states so more of a 'Loveeeerrrrr' for a bit potential than boyfriend material but going with it for a while to see how much FUN can be had. Its apparent to me that I have not had it for a while (talking fun ladies, keep your minds out of the gutter won't you....OK Dolly isn't ; ) So will be thinking of you all when quoffing martinis in a fabulous hotel and pretending to be the girl formerly quite fabulous (ok well only a bit) dolly for a while

huge kiss....will report back when goes tits up xxx

Oh GOD, that "would if I could" crap drives me MAD. He CAN but he CHOOSES not to because he prioritises other things. My former is the same re coming to see the children - he's all "I would LOVE to but I can't afford it" whilst swanning off on foreign holidays, having a very active social life etc. It's just nonsense.

And hurray for delicious man in the city! We need the full scoop though - where did you meet him etc? I hope you have a wonderful time Dolly!

bit jealous

ooh to clarify ladies when I said different states I meant different geographic states (not marital states - hope that goes without saying on this thread!!!!) - we met at writers workshop a while back and he flew down for lunch a couple of months ago and then had a couple of days in City at end of Easter and then his stuff/then my stuff got in way...actually just been extended as of tonight to THREE nights...very excited just to get away from the shit with former husband and live a fantasy life for a long weekend ; )

Good for you Dolly, find men in the UK ridiculously hard to meet. Well ex has responded, via email as requested, quite civilly, apart from the fact that he was upset that I took out the money without his permission lol! He has informed the bank of our circumstances and been advised that we should both pay half of the mortage (1,000 pounds each) (agreed) and cancel the joint account (agreed) but also requested that I continue to pay him an additional 725 as per our agreement on my renting this place ... yes an agreement I made when I was still emotionally connected to him, still thought that we would be getting back together, still felt sorry for him having to fork out on rental .. now that we are clearly not getting back together, he is kicking me out of my home, having lots of trips away, has a gf .. it feels like a different story ... this seems to be a grey area under the law but I've read so many stories where the ex is still paying half the mortgage regardless.

Anyway need to move on from this and be happy again, so have taken at least one action today towards tidying up the house pre-sale possibility, and started on the anti-depressants lol! Hate being in another country, and in such a limbo state. Stay here and look for a rental/house because at least I have a job (which I hate) or go home to god knows where without a job to go to! Arrgh, so not used to making decisions on my own :) And definitely not so many all at once!

Springy, not ignoring Freedom Programme and have taken a look at their website, just trying to deal with this, working full time, and prepare for a job interview!

ah yes, things are tight. But once you get the Freedom Programme venue you can go along to the meetings once a week - one and a half hours. It is time well spent (understatement) and doesn't take long to set up. You can't afford not to tbh rosemarie - you need as much info and support as possible as you have challenged his control and this is when the shit hits the fan big time. This programme is priceless - I wish I'd had it when I was going through what you are now but it wasn't available then. I had to learn the hard way - as if it all wasn't hard enough! It also took me years (of being repeatedly bashed about by his control tactics) when with the right support and info you can cut it down to months, or even weeks.

I am hesitating to say this (as it may make you feel ashamed - when you have nothing to be ashamed of!) but the way he waltzed in and blithely attempted to sell the house from under you, with you barely able to peep in protest, reminded me of one of those dogs which owners leave outside shops etc without the lead secured to anything. The dog is so well trained it just stays there. Have you noticed they never look happy but kind of beaten down and controlled.

There, said it. imo he has controlled you for a long time and 'trained' you to see things from his side (re feeling sorry for him that he was paying rent... when he had left you!). which is why I am being very forceful about the Freedom Programme! With that level of conditioning you need something that knows its stuff to counteract it all, to get some balance into the picture and, more importantly, give you your life back! The one he stole when he controlled your mind, your thinking, your emotions. What they do is not clever but it is effective

So you hate being in a foreign country and you hate your job in that country. it sounds like a no-brainer to me! Do you have anything that ties you there? re children. If not, then get on back to blighty (I assume you are british) and start your new life. If it helps at all, I am in exactly the same position and, like you, I don't know where to start. I'm getting on a bit and it's hard to carve out an entirely new life (from nowhere) but staying put with the totally unsatisfying and miserable is not the answer, even if the alternative frightens the bejesus out of us. Let's be brave together! (what have you got to loose? nothing by the sound of it...)

(I realise that if you are abroad then the Freedom Programme is not available to you there. Pity! You can do it online though, maybe give it 1.5 hours as if you were in a meeting? Or get back to blighty and join one = good plan . )

and if you can be bothered to reply to his comment that he would rather you had discussed it with him before taking the money out of the joint account, then you could counter it with you would rather he had discussed it with you before attempting to sell your home from under you

I hope you can see what he did for what it was rosemarie.

Hi,

Sorry, been AWOL with holiday (fab time!) and work and house stuff to battle with! So, quick update from me - so ex DID decide to transfer the money for the babysitter after all the huffing and puffing that he wouldn't. BUT, he did this when I had left for holiday, didn't bother telling me (last email I had from him, he said 'nope, I'm not paying' or words to those effect) and I didn't notice the payment into my account until the actual day I was supposed to have been going out (making a payment for something else!). I didn't raise it - as he was on holiday and as it was too late, I just transferred the money back to him. I was peed off a bit as he did send me an email - whilst he was on holiday, but after we had got back - saying he had given me peace whilst we had been away (bravo!) and how was DS? No mention of the money......when I did raise this - via the good old book! - on his return, he claimed that he had emailed me! Had to go back and check in case I had made a mistake, but there was no email. Half of me wonders if this was some sort of set-up/test to see if I would take the money and then he could complain about me? Or am I reading too much into it?

Another mini-drama this week (its cyclical this stuff). DS has a slight stutter at times, ex had him over the weekend (with an extra night, so 3 nights rather than 2). He brings back DS and I see that he has written in the book that DS' stutter has been worse on Sunday, but was fine Thurs, Fri, Sat. He then asks me, what I think could be the cause - even though he had DS, not me! I write back saying (paraphrasing here) well, maybe he is just excited, or maybe something has changed for him, but I am not worried as HV said not a major worry now (told ex this last year - he seems to have forgotten) and maybe, given all the changes that DS has been going through, ex should perhaps keep this in mind with all the upcoming changes and keep DS in mind when doing/saying things. So very neutral I think? Nope - he then accuses me of dragging up the past, how he didn't take leaving an 11 year relationship lightly etc, asking me what I did to keep our family intact all sorts. Very smarmy and very out of nowhere I feel. I'd also said in my original write back, DS was now saying 'wifes_name' has a baby in her tummy', so if he was broaching subject of babies with DS, could he discuss concept of half-siblings as part of that so I don't have to be the one to first explain to DS about different mummies/daddies etc. That threw a huge spanner in the works, I was not to tell him what he should say (hadn't suggested that - DS is now talking about it and to be frank, I'd expected it a lot earlier than now), I should mind my own business, what was I going to do if I had a baby with a future partner and that their baby was not about me etc. Ironically, he then rounded it off by asking me if we could have a discussion about what would happen with DS as and when their baby comes and DS is at their house, as in, make sure you are free to take over (I am guessing). He actually phrased this by writing first 'I am trying to be sensitive to you.....'. It did make me see red to be honest and I did fire him an email asking him to keep that sort of stuff out of DS' book and a few choice other things (save his nonsense about our relationship and our failings to himself and not to take the pee when it comes to DS and the birth of their new baby - by picking and choosing access). I have no idea what is the norm here?!

So overall, am in a 'phammmp' mood. I know someone on this thread once ages ago said that they felt sympathy for new woman and I remember thinking 'huh? what about me?!', but I finally get it now.....she is saddled with a deluded man who's ego is far too big for comfort. Fair enough, she did massage said ego no doubt and it must be mighty nice living in the swell of that ego as they dismiss 'sad old Dee34 who wont move on' , but, ye gods, if/when reality hits, she is in for a shock as she will find herself with someone who is so fundamentally lacking in confidence that he goes all out the other way (amazing what you can see from a distance - if I had been in that relationship I would be no doubt thinking that ex was most definitely a supremely confident man that was (cough) wonderful....Seriously, I do wonder what her take is on this? As she sits there, ready to give birth soon and witness to her wonderful, fantastic hubby and the way he treats his previous partner with whom he had a child...is it just that she thinks 'oh well, he loves me, is with me, we wont ever split or get peed with each other, so thank god, I wont ever be in that position'? Who knows, they may well be together for ever, but blimey, she hasn't even been living in the UK for a year yet (and has spent at least 3/4s of that time in the blissed out state of being pregnant/welcoming a new baby into the fold). Funny. Not so much in a 'ha,ha' way, but in a peculiar, odd way....

How do other people manage the whole new baby thing? I know DS will be very excited and probably want to talk about the baby as and when it is born, which will be tough, but dont want DS to feel like he cant talk about his other life (he does talk about new wife every now and again - didn't for ages though) and will be good that he has a sibling elsewhere. To be honest, I am more dreading ex and his huge ego more than anything from DS............

Sorry for uber long post - obviously had a lot on my mind!

rosemarie1 - how are things going? How was the job interview/house prep for the sale?

dolly - hope you are enjoying the break away! Have fun and come back and cheer us all us with a recount of what you got up to!

Parsley/Well - ditto, how are you both doing? Hope things are calming down a bit for you both/and your DC......

Well ladies this has not been the best day of my life ... my ex kissed his girlfriend goodbye in front of me at the train station today .. ok I understand he felt the need to do this despite me being there as it would have probably upset her lol but it was still pretty hurtful! And even despite this with today being one of the most horrible I still feel the urge to call him and try and cry on his shoulder. Restraining myself not doing it but its hard because he is the one I've always turned to in times of trouble! Job interview went well but there is need for a third one but am potentially going to screw it up because have just been told my dad has 3 weeks to live and will most likely jump on a plane and go home. Need to get my priorities right, I love my Dad, and am so upset so will go home but seriously life is feeling all too hard right now!