Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

You are doing great! You are only human so it is unsurprising that you are struggling to accept what is happening right now (this was supposed to be you one day married to him).

You have had such a lucky escape.

Friends don't treat you the way your ex has and continues to! You don't have to ever be friends with him. Why would you want to? Who would keep a friend who treated them the way he has treated you!

It is all about him how much easier it would be to say to everyone that you are friends so it was the right thing to do!

You hurt because you put so much into the relationship and can now see that you never got the same back, that you were second class and not as important when you probably thought your relationship was the most important thing at the time. It makes your relationship less than you thought it was at the time.

Shame about the date, still there are plenty more for you to take for a spin

I think that all makes sense it is late for me

Hmmmm - after feeling moderatley better yesterday, a day of ups and downs again today. But, can see that I need to sit with these feelings and absorb them/work through them.

I am thinking even more that the downer has come about from him going on about wanting to be friends for the umpteenth time (not today, but earlier in the week as posted). I told him no thanks, and then get the outpouring of how HE cries everytime he thinks of the friendship he has thrown away and how he had choices and messed up (dont worry, am not stupid enough to feel sorry for him again......). Back to mind games (again) and the man hasn't even been married for a month yet! Surely, I would like to think that it I could sink to do what he did and then choose to get married (no one forced him, bar this mysterious visa business), then I would be off being happy with my new hubby, feeling bad for my put upon ex and so giving him breathing space.....not pestering him to be friends and 'confessing'* to the ex that I have messed up my life (as someone said, poor wife - makes me think that ex is a bit nutty,or she is pretty naive).

Today have had to see him walk by my office window a couple of times. Apparently, his company is doing very well (which will mean big bucks for him as an account director) - so well in fact that he has forgotten to phone DS this week on appointed days as he was busy in evening work meetings**. Did brighten up when one of my work colleagues clocked him and with mouth agog asked 'what the hell did you ever see in him?'. Totally inapproriate and of course was with ex for 11 years, but made me feel like less of a freak as I sometimes do (the 'freak' in terms of something must have been so, so bad at home for ex to have (1) had an affair, (2) left for OW (3) left for OW he had known for a few days and (4) moved in with as soon as she arrived here and (5) married within 4 months of moving in with her......again, dont always beat myself up about these facts, but as said, today has been a mixed bag.....).

Xales - 100% agree. Have known this from the first time he uttered the 'lets be friends' line, way back in Jan. And when I resisted, I was the one at fault, the one who was stuck being angry and in my grief-loss cycle....madness. Yes, it makes me feel exactly that. Logically, I can tell myself that he/they are still being nicest of nice to each other/still in the honeymoon glow (quite literally), but it hurts to know that someone who ex barely knew could be elevated to such lofty heights whilst I was kicked to the pits. Truth hurts and all that and I can accept that this is my reality now and that I am lucky to be out of the scenario than in it, but its a kicker for all the reasons I have mentioned a million times before.....but, in a way, it is releasing to get that knowledge and insight and for it to click that the relationship was not all it seemed. On a brighter note, certainly hope there are more dates to be had! Not looking though until the new year I think. Need to focus on Xmas I think.....

Springy/Patience - yes, will need to sit with the hurt for a bit, seems like the wisest option, rather than trying to fight it. Yes, definitely dont want to put myself in the play.......

Off for dinner at a friends now, so am feeling brighter about that. Then DS and I are away for weekend tomorrow and then my sister and mum come up next weekend, so plenty to keep me busy for a bit and get me in the xmas mood......

*Nah, not buying it either....am guessing he is having one of his low/self-pity moments....

** Nah, not sure I am buying that either!

Dee, you are doing so well. Really am in awe of how well you're coping. With the friends thing, I've told a couple of exes who've trotted out that line that I'm actually very picky about who I'm friends with and I've decided to be just as picky about who I date from now on. Soon shut them up. Not sure if you can be bothered to say something similiarish but it might get your point across.

Hugs. X

Hello all - I just wanted to check in and utter the mantra "This too shall pass" to everyone who needs it. You are all in my thoughts but I've no more energy at the moment as have just been put through the fucking wringer in the high court defending my ex's application against me under the hague convention for child abduction. Judge found in my favour and the children will continue to reside here with me.

Fuck but it's been a rough week!

Thinking of you WTDI x
Such an emotional time .

Wishing you a peaceful New Year xxx

Thanks Patience - I know you were on the Rebuilding book thread which I couldn't maintain as this was all kicking off. At the moment its acute relief combined with acute grief in almost equal measures as I'm starting to feel the capacity to be able to grieve the end of the relationship. I've really been chucked right back to the beginning of the summer in that respect. I had a brief conversation with my husband after the judgment which is probably the most we have really spoken since I came back to england in the summer. In spite of everything I am still very much in love with him and long for him absolutely and now I have to do my grieving and letting go and start the process of putting my life back together. At the moment there is no respite from the pain but I know that This Too Shall Pass.

Hang in there "Well "
I still can't believe the choices my ex has made in the last 2 yrs ,but I have accepted his choices are none of my business.My kids welfare and emotional stability is my business and i cross each bridge as i come to it .
Take your time to grieve ,be kind to yourself .
Nourish yourself as much as you can .
I too, rightly or wrongly loved my husband completely and utterly ,he was my kryptonite for a long long time but Im out the other side now and I have made a better life for my kids .

Your support means more to me than I think you will ever know Patience. I think you have said to me on another thread "This will be the making of you", and those words resonated with me and have given me solace. Thank you.

We are an amazing breed of woman.We are able to rewrite the script.Woman in the past were stuck in bad marriages.We know that however bad we feel its not as bad as the pain from living with a disrespectful excuse of a man.We have our self respect.The pain i felt was excruciating,but i got through it.We will do that book when ur ready,no rush .Pm me if u ever need to dump it all out,i swear sometimes i thought my head would burst x

Thanks Patience - you are a star.

And so it starts. Ex has the opportunity to see the children for 9 days over christmas (including christmas day itself). He wants to come for 4 (spending christmas and new years eve with his friends). This is the man (although I use that term in its broadest sense) who was there under the surface all along. Full of shit. I will work hard to make sure the children don't feel like second class citizens and it will be a lifelong project.

Just wondering how everyone else is? Dee? Dolly? Not sure if Dolly is en route to God's Own Country - will have to go back and reread.

How did we end up with these awful 'men'. How did that happen? Were we as fabulous when we were with them? or, as patience says, has this been the making of us? Were they, too, fabulous men at some stage, who 'went over to the dark side', got kidnapped somehow [by their own lusts imo]? or were they always vile, we just didn't see it? (if so, why didn't we see it?)

One of life's mysteries. Sorry if it's putting the cat amongst the pigeons, but it makes me sad am I going to get told off for being maudlin? You're all so fabulous and any man should be giving his all to be with women like you - it makes me sad that these pathetic excuses for the male gender didn't see that, preferring a bit of skirt. Such a fucking cliche apart from anything else.

It's an interesting point springy. I'd say that my ex's true colours were always there, but I didn't want to see them. We trundled along ok until I became more of an inconvenience for him (homesickness/depression) and then he 'went native' (hard to really describe here but his behaviour is I think much more prevalent and accepted in his country where they all seem to play musical families which means that no one is held up to the light infront of their shoddy fricking behaviour and everyone ignores the big pink elephant standing in the room and pretends everything's fricking marvellous).

Personally speaking, I was quite fabulous before I met him, and became less fabulous when living with him in his country (and I hold my hands up to my part in the marriage breakdown and my failings are on My Big List of Things To Sort Out But One At A Time). I am becoming fabulous again though. The build up to, and last week has been a bloody nightmare and I've been trying to channel winston churchill in the face of such terror and callousness. I'm so thankful now that I can paraphrase him again and say something along the lines of - if I live for a thousand years, I will still look back on my determination and strength last week and say that that was my finest hour. Even in my bloodied and battered state, I'm not to be mother fucking trifled with. (That last bit wasn't churchill).

I have not been proud of the person I have been over the last few years, but I was last week. It is the making of us, indeed.

Dee! Dolly! Come back and check in!

i accepted unacceptable behaviour for years cos i truly didnt think it was unacceptable.i felt good being with him most of the time and that was good enough for me.my dad used to hit me much worse than ex.just thought thats what men with anger issues did,never occurred to me it was a reason to split.never saw the years of manipulation to justify the behaviour just thought it was me.both my father and my ex blamed me so i thought it was true.Still struggle with my parents entitlement issues now,especially at xmas.i am only really allowing myself tobelieve im not a bad person in these last few months.i think in the past i used men to take the pain away.ex would tell me he loved me everyday for 16yrs,looking back that kust allowed him to act however he liked and if i didnt like it he always threatened to leave .Eventually he did leave and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me

Helloooo Ladies

I am indeed in God's country (a bit chilly but still) and despite the fact have come down with horrid flu/cold am SO enjoying being back and catching up with everyone not to mention sitting on my arse whilst my fabulous mum does all the work with DS enjoying seeing DS with his grandparents.

Absolute shitfest before I got on the plane with trying to sort out new real estate agents (it also costs in Oz to market house so bye bye more money) but aside from mini tantrum in Sydney airport (solved by bag of crisps to share and beer for me) DS was an absolute STAR on the flight and it was really easy peasy and we even managed a full day after we arrived on the Sat morning at National History Museum/ice rink and carousel and London was being very obligingly Richard Curtis move like, all twinkly and glamorous (sadly after being awake for about 48 hours I was not).

Bitter sweet being in London (am now in Midlands) as my last years there with former husband were so very happy but offset by meeting up with good friends and having a few dinners out and so comfortable and wonderful that I forget all the crap for a while. Ex sent terse email a day or so ago saying "I have had no way to contact my son and you choose not to give me any update as to his or your well being Nice way to come into christmas" despite me sending him an email the day before we came, reminding me of my parents contact details and Skype details and telling him we would be available from the Tuesday onwards to speak. He didn't email to arrange so I left as DS not mentioned anything - was going to later this week if he hadn't contacted....anyway, sent back breezy non confrontational email reminding him of the email I had sent, giving update and suggesting if he wants to arrange a time we are around but heard nothing back yet. twat.

WTDI - so sorry its been awful for you. It does suck generally let alone at this time of year. I am so sad even though it is so nice catching up with friends etc as I go through the what could have beens. I think we are in a similar situation in that our ex's were 'nice' to us before they left so we didn't have time to mourn our marriage whilst we were in it. I honestly thought that we were fine and would be together for ever too. I did half smile at your going native though. My Australian husband was definately much nicer in the UK ; ) and like you I also made lots of mistakes due to homesicknes/settling it etc but did not expect to be so very punished for it. You do - as does everyone else - sounds fabulous indeed. I like to think that I am still a little fabulous. I am in a massive panic about losing all money in house so applied for 'big job' which I don't really want but for which I have been shortlisted. Before anyone gets too excited I think there is a strong internal candidate and as I don't have Oz exp I doubt my chances BUT I hope it will be a useful experience in remembering I used to be / will have to be mildly capable and clever(ish) and can do this.....I also got a few looks (admittedly a table of fairly boorish looking business men in the bar at Harvey Nichols which is admittedly home to a few high class hooker - we ended up there as the bar we wanted to go to was full) on a night out the other day so hoping not fit for the knackers yard yet....lets hope Santa has a little something for us under the Christmas tree for next year in the form of BLOODY GOOD LUCK and certainly some bon courage. I feel like I've waffled on too much but remind me to tell you about the telephone conversation I had with my friend's mum who has been married 3 times and is super super super posh which was quite inspirational and hysterically funny (in manor of Smack the Pony sketch) at the same time. Now she IS fabulous xx

heaps of love
Dolly

Hello - sorry it's taken an age to get back on here. Away last week (only a weekend in Centre Parcs, but a most welcome break) and now trying to get things prepped for Christmas and catch up on work etc.

WTDI - so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. Cant imagine how gruelling it must be having to do battle in the courts. But, was very cheered to read you last post. You go girl (sorry if that sounds cheesy!)! You are doing immensely well and you ARE fabulous . Great adapted quote - will add that to my ever growing list of positive thoughts.

Dolly - welcome back home! I think terse emails like that are par of the course these days. Well done on the 'polite' reply!! Glad to hear that you are having fun catching up with friends. I get what you mean about the 'could have been's' though mine are getting less and less with time. I am coming up to one year anniversary of the big reveal and this all kicking off. Am feeling fine about it now, but think I may have a wobble nearer the time (esp if I delude myself with thoughts of them off round the corner from me having a romantic xmas together toasting their fabulous year and how they did it and their destiny - yuck!). Good luck with the job and keep us posted!

Springy - I often ask myself the same question! I dont think ex was as bad/vile as he is now, though he did have his moments. And I have lost my rose tinted glasses enough to see a few red flags that I probably should have paid more attention to or confronted. But more recently, I keep reminding myself of what others have said on here (think Xales said it most recently - about reminding myself that I am better off without him and anyone that can treat someone else as he has done is someone I am well rid of. And I believe it too now! ).

Patience - ever so wise words as always. I'll be taking strength from the words you have shared with WTDI......

Well, was thinking that life was settling down to an even keel (of sorts) and then the issue of schools has come up. Cant remember if I have mentioned earlier, but had mentioned dates to go and see some schools to ex (one had an open day, another set appointments). I gave him the date well in advance and then for the open day one, on the morning he sent a text saying that sorry, he couldn't come as he had an important customer meeting. Fine (kind of saved me the grief of having to grit my teeth and be nice to him in public) and he said he would arrange his own appointment. Again, fine. Ditto for the appointment school - he was a no-show as I didn't give him enough notice. Again, upsetting, but I cant drag him there and he said he would arrange his own appointment. Now the first school with the open day, that was the week after he got back from his wedding/honeymoon, so around 4 weeks or so? He has not made an appointment to go and view the school. All of this would be water off a ducks back aside from the fact that ex is now saying (very adamantly) that he does not want DS to go to school next year as he will be the youngest in the class (DS is an August baby). He is now sending me URLs about how going to school and being the youngest is psychologically damaging (esp for boys), DS wont have the emotional intelligence or maturity to cope and his motor skills wont be fully developed! Oh and to boot, he is also lecturing me that I should not be following my/DS's peers from our NCT group in sending him to school and we should do what we see fit for DS (I was fuming at that last bit as if I am so airhead idiot without her own brain/mind). I can sense that this is all about control, but is he off his rocker? He has not even visited any schools, has never voiced this stance to me before and the fact that he is so rigid about it is frightening (almost in tears as I just keep thinking when will this stop.....). He has not mentioned anything about how any of his actions could have stunted DS in any way (not that it has - don't know what tree he is barking up with that line). DS is fine, bright and loves learning. Never have any reports from nursery that he is struggling or anything (in fact the opposite). Surely a reasonable person (and what I think ex would have said if we had still been together and this line of thought had taken his fancy) would have said 'I am concerned about this, not overly worried. Lets keep an eye on DS' development over the next 9 months and make a decision nearer the time as a lot can change in that time. Lets also get the input from nursery staff as well as compare notes. Uppermost, lets keep our options open, visit schools, complete the application for a place now etc'. But apparently ex does not think this way. He wants DS to be the eldest in his class and amongst his peers and not to be the youngest.....I can understand the concerns, but I don't agree with putting a stake in the ground now and I am still stinging from his rigid, fixed position on this. I feel like I need to brace myself for yet another battle on this and I am just so tired of fighting.

Aside from that, nothing else to report. He is still married. I haven't seen them together since 'car-gate', which is very nice. Did see him in the car park at work last week. He saw my car and called me (yes, in the same car park, how friggin' incestuous can you get, eh?) to come and get a toy that DS had left in his car. I couldn't grab it off him and run off fast enough.....

Think I need a very large glass of wine (and some cheerful Christmas wrapping) to lift my spirits tonight....

Dolly/Springy - will send a pm tonight!

I think you need to explain to him that DS will always be the youngest in the school year. Just because you he kept him back a year all that will happen is he will go into YR 1 having missed all the reception year learning. The school year runs from 01/09/ to 31/08/ so that the year your DS will be in, most LA will not put children out of there year.

So as much as my dd2 who's birthday is the 7th Sept, and is still in nursery although her learning and undertanding is the same as those in reception there is nothing I can do about it as her 2004 do not start school until Sept. Hope that makes senses.

Stupid man, if your son does not start school in September he will just miss the reception year. As wheredid said, he will go straight into year 1 WITH EXACTLY THE SAME CHILDREN. Except those children will have already had a year at school, will have established friendship groups and will be familiar with the routine of school. Unless your ex has some magical way of changing your son's date of birth he will always be the youngest in the year.

Go on Dee, put him straight!!

I HEART MUMSNET

I have just re-read ex's last email (complete with excerpt from some random info site) to double check and he clearly states: "I think children are forced to grow up faster in this society than others. Is being rushed into a system where he will be one of the youngest in larger class, potentially a year behind other people in terms of vocab, emotional development, motor skills etc the better option? Or would DS benefit emotionally longer term by being developed for another year in a class with smaller child to adult ratio*? My preference would be that he was one of the older kids in the class.

DS has peers at the moment due to nursery and contact with other NCT children. His peers will soon be his friends at school ? I am not concerned about what his peers are doing, nor should you.' Etc etc......needless to say, I am looking forward to putting him right on this. His lecturing emails were starting to grate big-time. Huge thanks!

I am smiling with glee!

• He means keeping DS in nursery - full-time - for another year. No mention of how we could do things so that DS has more one on one attention to maybe help DS develop these missing skills in vocab, emotional development and motor skills that ex has suddenly identified (please let me get my part-time working request granted). Just about keeping him in nursery M-F, 8am to 5.30pm for another year.......am very, very cheesed off with that.

Absolutely agree with the above... you won't ever be able to stop him being the youngest in the class. What you can do is choose a school for him with a reception that takes things at a more relaxed pace rather than one that pushes children really hard. Some people choose to leave summer borns at nursery for an extra year before starting year 1... but that's something you can decide once you see what's available in your area. Which is why you're doing the work now of looking around!

IME most state school reception classes do tend to take things very much at the pace of the individual child and don't push for academic results. At the end of year 1 I think the targets are a bit firmer. The main issue with summer borns is that they tend to get tired more easily in the beginning. Nothing to do with emotional / psychological damage!

There might also be the chance for DS to start later in the year, occasionally schools have 2 intakes. Something you could always ask about.

You are really the only one who can do what is best for DS. Hold on to that. You're his mum.

hmmm

Is it just in films or in America can they hold a child back/make them repeat a year if they mess up? I think he may have been talking to his new wife about schooling or some other Americans and not realise that that UK system is different...

Not that I am cynical or suspicious of course!

You do what you think is best for your child. Makes far more sense to me for him to go up with his current peers and maintain friendships than having to start again in nursery for a year THEN go up and find his current friends have moved on without him.

Sorry cross posted

Just come across this thread and have read most of your posts Dee and would just like to say that I think you are pretty amazing. You seem to have dealt with a very difficult situation with a great deal of strengh and kept your dignity in tact. I think if I were you I would have done some unthinkable things. He obviously never deserved you. I hope you and your DS are doing ok.

I think Dee has mentioned before that x is Scottish? In Scotland, it is possible for the youngest in the year to drop back a year. The youngest in year are those with Jan/Feb birthdays, and those in Nov/Dec can opt to too, I believe, but don't get an extra year's preschool funding.

Agree that in England, school will keep ds with his peer group regardless of development, so he would go straight into Y1 if "held back". And if schools are oversubscribed, you might well not be able to get a place at this stage, if all filled at YR.

Xales - in education, there is no UK system, separate systems in Scotland, NI, England and Wales.

Just meant over here compared to in the USA.

I didn't know about the Scottish system. Perhaps that is what he is thinking of and I am just super cynical.

Why the chip on shoulder?

Have been lurking on both of your threads Dee and am so impressed with you. Just adding to the comments here about schooling. Your ex is showing his ignorance here! Also want to say that my DS2 is an August "baby", although he is now 19. He was always the youngest in his class, but is now one of the most mature young men you could hope to meet. He is bright, emotionally intelligent and altogether lovely - coming home from Uni this week! Yes, some August DCs can struggle with full-time school, but I am sure teachers these days make allowances.