Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Just leave him to get one with doing it his way. I'd limit it to making sure when your DS is dry at day, and when he is dry at night, and reminding him he needs more changes of clothes for DS. Oh and any special words you use.
Potty training goes well when the child is ready, and I think needs to respond to the child.
No you can't expect him to do anything your way. You need to hold fire until it big issues such as letting him paly computer games well outside the age range etc.

Well, some of us (though not all, obviously) could be hoping that his pad is strewn with copious poo and wee presents in the most awkward places because there is no great shakes to potty training after all. What with the fourteen children he has personally guided through this stage.

You're not still expecting him to be human are you Dee? I know it takes a while to get your head round it all but eg he has also proved beyond reasonable doubt that he is not up for co-parenting. He is with his mouth but that's as far as it goes. Looks good, see (nothing underneath) - plus it certainly looks like a handy and rich seam he is prepared to beat you with, reasonably or unreasonably. < latter

Have you looked at a list of (definitions of) personality disorders? Whereas I am not usually keen on cod-diagnoses, it may help in this instance to view him in a 2-dimensional way, being as the humanity element is curiously missing.

Bets on that he will sabotage the potty-training. It is not feasible that ds will be able to make any headway in a house the day after a house move.

Thanks - think you are both right! I will just let this go now as agree, he will not do anything my way (though really, it was a shared way in the first instance. I suggested some books, asked if he had any views on reading/ways to do things to which he said no, he would just do the same as me! Think that is where my frustration lies, if he wasn't bothered, he could have just said, rather than make the right murmurings to keep me quiet).

As they went away, I did day that he could email me if he had any queries, but just thinking now, I probably should have said nothing (bearing in mind Springy's comments about a short leash). I guess I will do what I can do here and he can do what he can/wants to do at his place. My main worry was that I was keen to have some sort of consistency between the houses as have noticed when other things aren't consistent that DS can play up (e.g. he was always used to me just putting him down to bed and leaving him to fall asleep, whereas ex got into the habit of lying down with him on his bedroom floor, now DS wants the same at my house. Frustrating as DS always been a poor sleeper, and had to do some serious sleep training with him to get him to the stage he was at). But, yep, DS seems ready, so hopefully he can cope with the differences - if any - between the houses. Nevertheless, a good learning point for the day I guess! So, will let them get on with it today and he can have DS next Saturday.

Springy - yes, was stupid enough to think that he would 'be different' this time and man up on this (why so, after the school debacle of just last week, I dont know. Actually, I do know - because he finally came giving me a sob story about how he agreed he had messed up with DS' school choice, but he was oh so busy, but it was all okay, as he trusted me to make the right choice anyway..). Hopefully this will be the last kick in the teeth and I will learn not to sweat the small stuff with him and just get on with it and then he can come and have a conversation as and when. Will be liberating as well.

Mummytime - not quite computer games, but have had to have a chat with him in the past about letting DS watch certain cartoons/animation that are aimed for older children. Again, no clue if he actually followed through with it or just did his own thing.....I guess I should just give up.

Dee I can feel your frustration re the potty training. To anyone who doesn't have dcs this could seem like making a mountain out of a molehill, but when you're in the middle of it it's a different story isn't it. I know this would really wind me up as well.

I wonder if you could just focus on being consistent in your home, making sure that you and the nursery are doing the same thing. I'm not really an expert on potty training but would guess that the outcome of this approach might be that DS becomes dry at least whilst with you / at nursery.

It might take him a bit longer whilst with ex if ex isn't being so consistent, but when he returns home where everything is consistent, he should revert back quite quickly.

The great thing is that DS will get there. If ex has to do a bit of poop cleaning on the way, then

that is one of the most painful elements of relating to people like this re the pain of hope; that they will start being human [again?], that the nightmare will be over. You can and do accept the split - though that takes a while to accept the rank injustice of it, especially in the working out - but the inhumanity is so hard to accept.

Dee my 2 were trained at 2 &1/2 ,didnt read anybooks just got told main thing is keep them in pants no daytime nappies,too confusing,all kids will have the odd accident ,all helps to learn about going to the toilet/potty but just chill .Biggest gift u can give ds is being relaxed about it all dont worry about XP,he is an arsehole .Ds will cope :).
Watched Great Expectations the other night and thought WOW we are all doing so well compared to Miss Haversham.......if ever there was a lady needing to move on from a man that conned her then dumped her.Consumed with anger,bitterness and revenge if i have a bad day now i think i will refer to myself as doing,"a Haversham"

Hi Dee

My God, your ex is certainly no 'brain of Britain' is he. He's following the tried and tested script of the loser... " I might have left my only child and betrayed the woman I loved for a bit of stuff I met in a bar, but hey ho, don't want the big dream sequence to end, so I kept the hype going and now have a shiny new life but, of course, on paper I am a great Dad, a great guy, super sucessful and no one can tell me what to do... I'm always right". This is a guy with more money in his pockets than he had ever dreamt of and the delusion that this makes him infalible and irresistible to women.

When he says he wants to be involved, its just lip service. He wants to make it look as though he's part of it all, but he's not. Please don't wait around for him to make decisions. The only ones he'll make are the ones which turn your life upside down. You don't need to take his wishes into consideration. Inform him when you need to, give him updates when it suits you, but when he doesn't respond, IGNORE HIM. He's damned lucky that you have not moved to be nearer your family. Then he would be stuck with his new life without someone nearby to throw blame towards.

I actually think that you have moved on so much from the beginning of all this. Remember that he is ahead of you with his thinking and planning. He had a head start as he was lying to you for so long and he cut deeply into your soul. Its no wonder that it has taken you time to recover from his bombshell and get your bearings again. And you are!!

Please try not to worry about things like potty training, it will come in its own time and just go ahead and do it your own way. If he suddenly thinks he is a parenting guru, the fine, but I don't believe for a moment that all the big houses, toys, money etc will ever make him a good father. Remember that a good father treats the mother with respect. Your Ex probably can't even spell the word, never mind act with it. If he really cared for your son - his wellbeing and his future, he wouldn't treat you so badly. Please don't feel you ever have to explain to this man. He's just not worth it.

And to echo what the others are saying here. I have three DCs. Each of them has potty trained in their own time and in their own way. There is no RIGHT way of doing it. Just relax and let your DS lead the way in his own time. That way it will be much faster. If your Ex sees that you are tense about any part of your DS's upbringing (school, potty training etc) he may use it as a way of getting at you. String you along saying he will help, then undermine you at every opportunity. Don't be caught out again. If he wants to be part of his child's life, then he'll have to work at it more than he is at the moment.

Also, if you still had been together, do you think that he would have any more of an active role than he does at the moment. He may have avoided being involved so that he could load you up with the responsibility, then shout at you when it didn't go to plan???

For now, keep planning your own move, your own life. Please don't let ex into your home at all. All of these little moves are designed to hurt you. To make you look unreasonable. Be one step ahead of him. Even if your behaviour enrages him. So what? Let him huff and puff. Remember that if he leaves you in a rage, he'll go home like that. Your own home should be a cocoon for you and your DS, a place that he always wants to

Oops! ...A place that he always wants to be, and a zone which is free from your Ex and his ego.

[APPLAUDS McNaughty]

Going back to the 'hope' theme. Closing your heart to hope with him doesn't mean you will be incapable of 'hoping' (re trusting) in future relationships (not just romantic relationships but all relationships). He is a bad lot. Maybe he always was (? who knows?) but it can be a major strike to confidence, that thinking that how could I ever have been taken in by someone like this, he's a total sham. It's a very short step to believing "there must be something wrong with me (it's my fault! I should've known!)". That is classic post-abuse thinking which is, sadly, prevelant - all victims of abuse have to go through this stage.

It's not you who is duff. You can and do love, you know how to be fair, which is why you are struggling to accept that he isn't being 'fair' and is pursuing an agenda that isn't fair; you may even be over-egging the 'fairness' re if I'm fair, he will be fair. He has no intention of being fair, it isn't anywhere on his agenda, despite the copious lip service he pays to it. By advertising your 'fair' agenda, he also gets some rich clues of how to play the game with you. Stop 'relating' to him - better still, as far as is humanly possible, get out of his orbit altogether. I am very sceptible of the blanket 'co-parenting' that is currently slavishly adhered to, come what may - it is not always appropriate imo.

I have to say I feel my first moment of sympathy for your Ex's new wife, fancy moving house and having the just beginning to potty train son of your new husband come to visit? Especially when neither of you have done this before. It sounds like an episode of a bad sitcom.

It really does all seem to be about what your Ex wants, not you, not your ds, and not even his new wife (but does she realise that yet?).

I so agree with Springy and Mummytime* and their advice. Its worth more than your ex's salary ten times over.

I had similar thoughts about the day to day resllity of a new marriage and the added stresses of a part-time toddler. Basically any relationship takes loads and loads of time to reach a point where it is good. Ok, in the beginning there's the obvious lust and all that goes with it but that soon gets overtaken with the real world. For example:

Money/finances, work, families/inlaws, tiredness, children, hobbies, TV preferences etc etc... add in anything else that is part of your life. Just making that lot tick over is a HUGE task and I would say that I am still working on a lot of these issues... for many years!

So your ex, Mr Corporate Man, is coping with all of that, plus a house move and doing it with a woman he barely knows! And here's luck to him.

What he's not telling you when he's seeing you, is just how stressful all of that will be. And there you are, the woman he knows so well, to let out all his frustrations on. He has to convince himself that he can control you as he needs you there to take all his crap. He'll be well behaved with his newly minted wife. So keep batting that crap back to where is came from and let him know that you are teflon coated. Take Springy's advice and don't feel the need to be fair. He's already shafted you - which bit of that was fair?

Stick in there Dee.

reality

I must say I have no sympathy for the new wife at all, not a shade.

Thanks for the top advice. Have stepped back from the potty and letting DS get on with it (and he is doing well! Though have probably jinxed myself now!). Ditto for ex - he can (and will) do as he likes.

And so to yet another day of oddness....today, out of the blue, ex asks (via email) if he can bring a hard drive round one day so he can get copies of our old photos (his exact words) from the old PC. Now old PC is the one we had before DS, so only photos on there would be anything uploaded up to around Spring 2008 when we I got new laptop. Isn't this just a bit weird? Why, in the week that he is moving into a new marital home with new wife, sealing the deal on their future and shared appreciation, blah, blah, why, is he asking me for our old photos? I doubt he will be wanting to put any photos up on his new walls (though there are some nice scenery shots from the various holidays we went on, back when we were miserable and living a lie of course )....I replied that he would of course be welcome to any photos of himself and said scenery shots, but he wouldn't be getting any of me/us together (gives me the creeps actually to think about deliberately giving him old photos 12 months AFTER he left, and not even 2 months after getting married. Would be a different case if he had taken photos with him when he left. Also, he pretty much wrote off the previous 11 years as one of regret, so again, why would he want photos?). I also said that I have no plans to get the photos over to him any time soon as PC is packed away. Very weird, and I suspect something is afoot, so will steel myself a bit.

Mummytime - I am also 'what?' about him really insisting he have DS next Sat, bearing in mind he knows that he is moving the previous day. But, knowing ex, there is an agenda there somewhere. Maybe he is doing it to prove to me/the world, that he can be very hands on and capable and look, new wife is so devoted to him and DS that she is willing to pitch in too. Maybe. Agree, don't think he has thought about this from DS' perspective i.e. his dad and his new wife are moving house (this will now be 4th house that DS has to adjust to including old family home, in last 12 months), DS will have to get used to new surroundings, new house, new bedroom, and remember to do his wees and poos in a (single) potty. Sounds like fun for all and ranks up there with ex's other great ideas including asking to take DS away for a week with then OW as soon as she arrived here, him introducing her to DS after she had been in the country for 3 days (taking their time together up to then to 30-something days)....but hey ho, as suggested, will just make sure DS has consistency back here, feels secure etc.

Ah sympathy for new wife.....I feel sad for her (not too much to weigh on my mind or cause me a moments worry) as she is obviously deluded in love. She has moved here for someone she barely knows, went on his (and his alone, no friends or family to back-up the story) tale of woes of the last 11 years and the terrible, hard life he had been subjected, is happy to play second fiddle to someone else's child, happy to live in our town and commute to London every day whilst ex has a commute from his bed to his home office (though he gallantly drives her to the station) and willing to never, ever go back to the US even after/if they have kids as ex has explained to her and they have discussed at length and agreed that ex will not be prepared to leave DS at any cost. Oh and on top of that, she must never get PND (and if she does, it had better not last for more than 3 months), she must never gain a few persistent pounds after pregnancy etc etc. Crazy in love or a bit desperate (and she could probably do better if she kept her eyes open a bit on her travels into London).

cenicenta/patience - thanks. Agree, will just be consistent at home and inform nursery and 'share' high level stuff with ex should he ask.

springy - yes, am/was ever hopeful that ex would suddenly get a light bulb moment and walk out of his fog and start manning up for the harder parenting aspects for DS. I think actions of last few weeks has put paid to that. I agree, i need to stop relating to him and being fair to a fault. I think my frustrations with his lack of input on schools etc lead to more 'contact' via email as I vented a bit. Time to rein it back in as agree, I am just setting myself up for a fall and also exposing myself to him. From now on, I will do simple and courteous informing, but wont go running around after him or going on the defensive. It's a constant learning process!

McNaughty - agree with what you have written, but it is hard to believe that in myself when ex is parading around grinning from eye to eye or trying to buddy up to me like we are great old friends. Though I do have reference points, like when we moved into new house and first night here, he sends me an email telling me that he is feeling down about the situation, wishes he could turn back time (all from the comfort of his living room in house he was in with Ms San Fran*. Honestly, I could have caused a lot of trouble between them with the emails and stuff he has sent, but I dont want him back, so cant be bothered). True, he wont be telling new wife any of this and instead unloads on me. I will certainly remember the point to not worry about his decisions and to ignore him.

Re potty training, if we had still been together, I would have done everything (as per everything else in family life). He would not have actively helped, but would have had an interest. Just like with every aspect of DS life (he had never gone to a shop/online and bought DS any toys/books/clothes/present. He used to give me his share of money toward presents when I remembered to ask - and I only asked as I wasn't working, so living off savings - but that was it. Oh he did enjoy playing with said toys and reading books to DS, so that was something!

*Ohhh, just had a wicked thought/realisation - he probably sent that on the sly (along with all his other crappy emails/texts) behind her back. Hah!

PS: Sorry, another War and Peace epic post! Will aim for brevity next time!

Oh and not to worry - all of the stuff above is based on historic conversations of old (bar today and photo business). I have no idea what ex and new wife talk about now, or even if they are still sticking to their 'never leave DS' line (ex told me this way back when in the early days). No pumping for information going on - hardline 'not interested' tact is still in force .

do you speak to him/have contact every day ? It sounds like it! It should be every 3 months so often.

the email to you on the day you moved was to mess with your head, tis all

Keep up the War and Peace epics! great writing

Hi Dee

He is still keeping you wrong footed isn't he Selfish selfish little man. Just keep doing what you are doing. Email we need to sort X, Y or Z for DS and then make your own decision and don't wait for one from him. If he deigns to reply in a timely manner he can have some input. If he can't be fucked to go visit a school until after the deadline he gets no say.

Keep an email/paper trail so that you can use it as a defense if ever needed in the future.

Remember he can bring a hard disk around and leave it with you to put what you deem acceptable on to it. He doesn't get to come into your house, sit down at your pc, and browse through your pc while downloading whatever he deems appropriate!

Make sure you don't accidentally add any messages/emails that he has sent to you onto that hard disk

Keep going, remeber 2012 is a new year, no more caring about the crap you wouldn't even walk on.

I really think you are so lucky to have got away from him, he wasn't what you thought, and is someone else's problem now.
I'd just try to work on your teflon coat, none of his rubbish should stick to you. As the primary influence on your DS's life you have a good chance to influence him for the best.
I'd also suggest you listen to Xales, you don't want him in your nice new home.

Meh. I don't feel too sorry for the new wife. I sometimes almost feel sorry for my ex's new girlfriend but then think "What kind of a woman gets involved with a married father of two tiny children?". Although she didn't make and break the marriage vows, she is certainly complicit in breaking up a family unit.

Unless she's unfathomably thick to the extent that she can't chew gum and walk in a straight line at the same time, she's hoist by her own petard. And what's that saying? When the husband marries the mistress a vacancy is created?

I think you are wise to leave off the potty training for the moment Dee. Too much for you DS to cope with at the moment and I don't think it's worth it. My DS didn't train until his 3rd birthday and even then I had to spend a week indoors with him (I followed the Cod bootcamp method, which is on the mumsnet resources somewhere).

Springy - you gave me food for thought.....I have looked back over interaction with ex and indeed it is pretty much back up at the peak of almost every day contact! Starting pretty much around that Christmas period. Sometimes multiple emails a day (e.g. school stuff of late). Yikes. Scary how that can creep up on a person (I would have sworn blind that I was limiting contact, but I guess - as occurred yesterday - by responding to his random emails, I am enabling the engagement and so begins the next sorry round of email dodging and war of words). So.......I will re-pledge to myself (and my sanity) to keep contact with him to the bare minimum. I will try hard to lose the mind state where I think I owe him one or the favour of x, y or z which would cause me to get back into that regular contact mode. Really, as big stuff like schools and potty training have/are being addressed, it just leaves the small daily stuff to plough through for the next few months and I don't need daily contact for that. Another day - another (well learned) lesson!

Xales - thanks hugely! Yep, he wont ever be coming into my house (this one or next one, or two or three etc). Nor will I be rushing to play happy families with him away from the house as don't trust myself not to be snipey, which would so not be a pleasant experience for DS. And I think I have learnt the hard way about opening the door for him with the school thing. If he cant be bothered, then so be it. I do just need to get on with it and leave him to whatever he is doing. Really cant be bothered about the whole photo thing and I am still thinking (but not asking - don't want to go down any dodgy paths) 'err, why?', so in no rush to upload any photos for him (he also suggested that he would bring round a harddrive and I could do the uploading for him - ah, so I could have kept sthum in response to his email and just uploaded the photos I wanted him to have!). Plus, PC is in the garage in some random box and as much as ex would like to think I have nothing better to do with my time that do his bidding as he wants and when he wants, the thought of wading through those boxes is not very appealing tbh.

Mummytime - think you are right and I need to dust down my teflon coat as the guard has been stripped back a bit as noticed when I decided to answer Springy's question on frequency of contact. My hairdresser (who I see socially as well a bit) also gave me a good talking to today as she said that she didn't want to see me slink back to where I was this time last year as I had moved on lots (I was telling her about ex's - imagined - big house etc). I didn't realise how easy it is to slip right back into that over-analysing mode, though obviously know the reason for it now in terms of increased contact with ex, thereby allowing him (I am guessing) head space and placing him in my memory on a regular basis. So, double yep - back on the no contact unless essential stuff about DS and forget his crap and concentrate on DS and I.

Well - Yep, my ex's new wife is most certainly welcome to him. Not interested in the whys and hows of her/them anymore (my new less analytical attitude!) unless it affects DS in any way. Am still doing potty training, just liasing with nursery so we do the same thing really. If ex wants to do similar, then good, if not, then fine; can hopefully work around it! DS does seem ready and I am ready and keen (also, know its a long way away, but DS starts school in Sept - in case anyone was in any doubt! - so looking to be dry and confident well before then).....How are things with you?

I very much agree with everyone about him not coming into your house AT ALL. Never mind rifling through your hard drive etc... Its too late for any of that kind of interaction. After all, you might just have thrown some things away by mistake... oops!

Keep to your new resolution of less contact/less headspace. I think you know that we will all keep you on the right track .

You may not be ready for it, but have you thought about deleting some of the old communications you have from him? Perhaps archive it so you can't dip into it yourself. Its a constant reminder of how he lied to you and you don't need that even near your fingertips.

It sounds to me as though he is constantly coming up with ideas to contact you - knowing that the requests are ridiculous/crossing the line/baiting you, yet he is almost guaranteed a response from you, often making you look unreasonable. Put your foot down about what you will and won't talk to him about. Try not to cross that line. He's invading your personal space at the moment and will continue to do so if you let him.

He shouldn't have a window into your life, so only engage with him about your DS. Anything else should be off limits.

Sorry to drag this thread up - can see that there are so many people who are going through the early days of affair discovery and I feel so much for them as I was in the same position this time last year......will try and post on some other threads...

But, today, I have just found out that my ex's new wife (the one he married at end of Nov) is now pregnant.

He did not attend one of our son's school visits as he was with her at their first scan (I put two and two together after he gave me an excuse at the time about how he had a doctor's appointment. When I shook my head at him about this, he said, 'It's no big deal, Dee34, I saw the school two days later anyway'.....

Apparently, they came off birth control as they wanted to give it time to flush out of her system, but guessing by first scan thing, she will be giving birth this summer.

I am in total shock - all of this was relayed on my doorstep - I asked as I had a sense about something (spooky, eh?). So much for focusing on our son......

I am also left hurt at the fact that 12 months ago, he sat in our old house, told me he never wanted to have another child with me etc. At the time, I said (jokingly), that I bet he would be married and pregnant within an year....wish I could have the same foresight in picking lottery numbers . Oh and feeling totally and utterly humiliated (though that is on a small scale right now).

Sweet heart - just seen your post - am emailing you xx

Yes its a blow, but at least he's getting them all over quickly. The other good news maybe is that he might back off your DS when he has a new baby. So you might just be able to get some more freedom, maybe even able to move away properly.
What are you doing for you now? You do need to start looking after yourself, and having some fun.