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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can anyone remind me what I stand to gain by finding a decent dp please?

20 replies

toptramp · 29/09/2011 23:46

Because right now I just can't be arsed. mabe the occasional shag would be ok but don't want to panic about pregnancy. i love my own company but feel that I am somehow wierd for not wanting to look or for giving up on love.

I guess it would be nice to find someone rich, kind AND non-abusive. i just read the threads on here and think of my own experience with domestic abuse and think "why would anyone want to answer to a man?"

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 29/09/2011 23:49

I don't wish to answer to a man. I do wish some company on lonely evenings and I would love some support. I too am terrified of getting the crap with that though. I'd rather be single than with a arsehole

LeBOF · 29/09/2011 23:52

There's nothing wrong at all with being single- enjoying your own company is an enviable state, in fact. I still think it's nice to be open to the possibility of making a connection with somebody, if it happens.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2011 23:55

How old are you?

I spent most of my 20's in shit relationships, starting and ending with ones that were completely abusive, both verbally, mentally and physically.

I decided that it was time to be me, no bloke, no relationship.

Then I met this bloke who I took one look at and knew I would marry. We have been together 10 years.

I answer to him, but he also answers to me. We have a very fair an equal relationship.

If anyone had asked me 11 years ago, I would have had totally different opinion on it all, but it can work out well.

solidgoldbrass · 30/09/2011 01:01

A partner should be a pleasant optional extra to an already-fully-functioning life.

moonferret · 30/09/2011 01:24

Women looking for "rich" men either get none, or get the men they deserve. There is a God, sometimes!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 30/09/2011 02:00

I don't specifically look for rich men mf, but I do expect the men in my life to be able pay their way - and to pay for me on occasion.

In matters romantic I have high standards which I'm not prepared to compromise - I'd rather forego male company altogther than embroil myself in a relatonship with a man who doesnt have a credit rating that matches or exceeds my own.

So far, praise be, there is a god - and s/he has smiled on me more often than not.

moonferret · 30/09/2011 03:49

So unless a man has a "credit rating that matches or exceeds yours", he's automatically off the list?

Hmm..no idea why you're single! It's a mystery!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 30/09/2011 05:06

Yes, he is automatically off the 'list' if he's a low achiever mf. So? Do you have a problem with that?

I know myself; I come from generations of high-achievers and I'm incompatible with any man who hasn't achieved a modicum of success in his chosen career, or one who lacks ambition - whether personal, spiritual, or financial.

There's no shortage of eligible men in my life but I've chosen to stay single because, although I'm not especially high maintenance, my career is and I need ample 'me-time' to replenish myself after meeting its demands. Dipping in and out of mumsnet is 'downtime' for me - a welcome distraction from some of the challenges I confront on a weekly, if not daily, basis.

Maybe one day I'll go live on a beach in the Caribbean and collect driftwood with a laidback guy who satisfies my soul as well as my body - but, until then, I'll stick with what I've got.

moonferret · 30/09/2011 05:15

"Low achiever" and "lack of money" are only related if you see "success" as being "money". Where either of those come into attraction, only someone like you would know. I really couldn't give a monkey's how you see it, but I wouldn't go near any woman who displayed gold-digging tendencies. I can spot them a mile off..
It's like a man saying, "I'd only date women with size E breasts minimum", in fact, it is more pathetic than that.

ChildofIsis · 30/09/2011 05:46

Moonferret, I like your style.
Since when did money create happiness?

No doubt we all like to have money and buy nice things but if they disappeared tomorrow we could all manage without.
Earnings do not make a person.
I work unpaid for my family company and do lots of voluntary work, does that make me unsuitable as a partner? No it does not.

lifechanger · 30/09/2011 06:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToothbrushThief · 30/09/2011 07:27

lifechanger has it right but I'm with izzy on the idea of ruling out anyone who is not compatible to me financially

I was married to a man who spent, didn't earn and left me massively in debt. I loved him and stayed because I'm not a gold digger

However he nearly ruined me

I work hard, I'm careful with money. To want someone who is working at life in the same way is not unreasonable (nor gold digging)

SpanishPaella · 30/09/2011 09:54

i dont answer to a man

for the past 30 odd years we have shared everything: decisions, work, childcare, problems, happy times, worries. Not once in those 30 yrs have we ever sworn at each other or anyone else for that matter. When my dad died, he was an enormous support.

We dont spend every hour in each others pockets, he works shifts so there are lots of times I have the day to myself, or dont see him properly for four or five days, thats fine. I am happy in myself enough to enjoy my own company.

I would rather be with him than not.

Lacuna · 30/09/2011 10:07

You don't have to be with anyone. You certainly shouldn't be answering to anyone but you! As sgb says, a relationship should be a rather delightful enhancement to the great life you already live. And anyway, choosing to be single isn't 'giving up on love' - it's about accepting the best for yourself at this point in your life.

wrt to financial stuff though - I do wonder why 'rich' is at the top of your list? I agree no woman should ever be saddled with a man who's a financial leech, but good credit = good partner? I don't think so!

Roseflower · 30/09/2011 10:14

Why does having a dp mean you have to answer to him? No siree, not in my case!

I would not be without my DH because he is my bestfriend. He loves me, he cherishes me, he would move heaven and earth for me, he is an excellent dad, I can talk to him about anything, he helps me emotionally and practically, he makes me laugh, he gives me strength and reason. I have never felt so content and happy. He is gorgeous too!

Best of all he is accepts me for who I am.

That feeling of being loved and accepted and always having someone to walk down the path of life with is what makes it all worth while.

solidgoldbrass · 30/09/2011 10:17

I think it's reasonable to be put off someone who has huge debts and won't work, or who is always trying to borrow money off you. It's not the same as spurning the decent person who has chosen to work in a pro-social but badly-paid field (social worker, drugs counsellor, organic fruit farmer, whatever).

tigermoll · 30/09/2011 10:40

A lovely dp can enrich your life, introduce you to new experiences, make you laugh, be your travelling companion, your wingman, your lover and your friend. They can suddenly double your skill set by being good at things you have always found baffling, and vice versa. Maybe one of you is scared of spiders and the other snakes? Just make a pact that one will be the go-to guy for spiders, and the other will have responsibility for dealing with any snakes. Or possibly you are rubbish at getting yourself home when drunk, but your partner can always remember which nightbus to take. In return, you undertake to do the difficult parking, and listen while they talk about the funny dream they had. Maybe one of you knows the heimlich manoevre, but the other one knows how to fly a plane. By hanging around together, you instantly double the number of situations you can handle. Also, you get to have sex with each other.

Just don't ruin it all by moving in together.

There are LOADS of downsides to co-habiting (as opposed to just having a bf/gf) and I think it should be resisted for as long as possible.

Lovely gf/bf = life is generally better
live-in partner/spouse = life is suddenly riven with compromise

HerBigChance · 30/09/2011 12:29

I really agree with the comment that a partner should be a pleasant addition to a fulfilled life (rather than the be-all and end-all of it).

I'm sure there must be many more Single (Not Looking) people around than is generally realised. Being single is great: if someone lovely happens to come along, that's also great.

There are LOADS of downsides to co-habiting (as opposed to just having a bf/gf) and I think it should be resisted for as long as possible.

Yes, I think people can rush into living together as some sort of 'next step' and I'm not convinced that it is.

GreenMonkies · 30/09/2011 12:40

TopTramp, I feel exacly the same.

HerHissyness · 30/09/2011 19:50

Me too.

I'm doing the freedom programme.

they talk about the Dominator, the one we know and loathe. Then they talk about the Friend. I feel somehow as if the Friend is being pushed onto me.

I don't WANT an adult male anywhere near me to be honest! The 'Friend' may has well have beamed in from Planet Vulcan, he is that alien a concept to me.

For now.. and the foreseeable future, you can keep you meat and 2 veg.

In Egypt they have this idiotic saying 'Better a shadow on the wall than only wall itself... (or something like that)

Whereas I say better the NOTHING than a shitty abusive shadow of a TWAT.

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