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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I over reacting or is this crossing the line

24 replies

iMemoo · 24/09/2011 23:13

dh has a female collague and it appears there has been a bit of flirting going on between them.

There has also been a few flirty emails but one in particular has upset me. The colleague email Dh asking if he would 'do her' quote for him. Dh husband replied he had a lot on but would 'do her' first!!!

Surely this isn't the way a married man behaves???

I'm really upset by it, how do I trust him??

OP posts:

bumbleymummy · 24/09/2011 23:15

Did they use the inverted commas or did you add them in?

Original poster

iMemoo · 24/09/2011 23:18

They high lighted the words. Dh says they both knew exactly what they meant. He also says he had no intention of acting on it fucker

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 24/09/2011 23:23

I'm so sorry Memoo. He's being an arse. I can't tell you what I would do to my DH if he was flirting with someone a lot less obviously than that, of course you mind, who wouldn't? I appreciate marriages differ and some would be okay with that, but you plainly aren't and most women would not be. IMO he needs to grovel, put some distance between himself and this woman, and grow up and stop needing ego strokes from random bints at the expense of your confidence.

I think he needs to make it up to you. Lie-ins every weekend for a month sound an idea.

perfectstorm · 24/09/2011 23:24

(I'm assuming it is just emails, BTW. You've no grounds to suspect more at all have you?)

inatrance · 25/09/2011 00:07

No, you are not overreacting and this is NOT how a married man should behave. Kick his arse and then some OP!

peterpan99 · 25/09/2011 09:33

WTF? i am right in thinking 'do her' meaning sex not something else i didnt pick up on?
If sex is the answer, then yes he's a total arse

Original poster

iMemoo · 25/09/2011 11:43

We had a long talk last night and he admitted that he didn't fancy me anymore

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 11:46

OH iMemoo . Is that because someone else has shown interest or is he saying it to excuse what he has done? Or is it an attack on how you have been healthwise lately?

bemybebe · 25/09/2011 11:54

You have every right to be upset. I would be. I would also be very tempted to go out and "do her" myself. Metaphorically speaking.

bemybebe · 25/09/2011 11:55

"We had a long talk last night and he admitted that he didn't fancy me anymore"

Oh shit, so sorry iMemoo.

StealthPolarBear · 25/09/2011 11:57

oh memoo :(

Original poster

iMemoo · 25/09/2011 13:50

Can't really blame him to be honest. Don't think I've been tbe best person to be around with the depression. I've put on a few pounds too. I have really let myself go. He says he wants to be with me and to make our marriage work. I dont know what to do though. I feel sick at the thought of slitting up but I have enough pride that I dont think I should settle for somebody who doesn't really want me.

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 13:58

iMemoo - I also am no fun to be with when I am suffering badly with depression and are 1 1/2 stones heavier than when DH and I met but "in sickness and in health" and "forsaking all others" are important things most people married have said to each other, and some people need a reminder of that sometimes.

Can you set a time that you both have separately to think about how you want to go on from here and then have a meal and talk about it? Say to him what you have said here. He can't drop a bombshell like that and then expect everything to be fine.

bemybebe · 25/09/2011 14:06

Do you know why you are depressed iMemoo? Has something triggered it or is it a general grind down? Do you have any help (antidepressants, counselling, etc)?

I am also depressed. After years of infertility (male factor) and other health scares I got pg and then lost this child aged 3 weeks (this was 3 months ago) and now I am told that my ovaries are failing (i am 39 and was so hoping for another child!)... I am 70kg instead of 50kg beauty my dh met some years ago, but he would be a real wanker if he started telling me he does not fancy me even if it was true.

Original poster

iMemoo · 25/09/2011 14:18

Bemybebe, I am so sorry you lost your baby xxx

My depression started as PND 2 years ago. I am on medication and do have a lot of support but it's been a real battle. I have really low periods and then sometimes I'm not so bad. Dh has been hugely supportive throughout so this has been a real blow.

Fab, I think I'm going to have to ask him to leave for a while. I need some space to think.

More and more keeps coming out. It seems there has been some very flirty conversations. She is single and has made comments to Dh about not getting any sex and having to find a man so she can have some. Dh says he brushed it off but I don't believe him for a second.

How fucking dare he behave like this. I'm gutted and really angry at the same time.

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 14:26

Asking him to move out for a while is a good idea. With what he has said in mind, I think you need to make it clear he must stay faithful while separated otherwise there will be no chance of you taking him back. Of course, you need to be prepared for him to use that to his advantage.

Original poster

iMemoo · 25/09/2011 14:31

I thought that too fab. I'm giving him the opportunity to cheat. But if he does then at least I'll really know wether my marriage is over or not.

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 14:34

You are in control of your own life. What you do and say now is up to you. You need to spell things out to your husband and make it clear what you want from hereonin and what the consequences will be if he cheats, and what you expect from him if he wants to make things right.

bemybebe · 25/09/2011 15:01

Thank you imemoo... i mentioned it only because I know what a toll depression can have on a person. Mine was diagnosed in 2003 and again last year.
I think a stern talk to you dh is in order, but I do not believe (basis what you have posted here) you should ask him to move out. Yet.
How did you learn about these emails, who showed you them? Why don't you believe your dh? Is there anything else besides these emails? You say he was very supportive in your battle with depression. Is he dismissive of you lately? Do you feel he was no longer there for you? Do do you share childcare?
He is a wanker for having these emails and having said you what he said, but i would be trying to look for constructive ways to repair the damage his behaviour caused and your depression (NOT you!), rather than potentially creating more resentment where no infidelity took place. I think he is definitely in the wrong here, no question, just do not think separating is a helpful way forward.

sternface · 25/09/2011 16:24

I just have no idea how women can do this to one another . That little bitch probably knows you've been depressed and so she thinks she's offering something you cannot. It's what OW always think they've got over a wife - so they like to pretend that they are always up for sex, all of the time. Why more men don't see through this pack of lies, is a source of incomprehension to me.

That said, I fear that if it has reached the point where he's said he doesn't fancy you anymore, or is not "in love with you", more than just flirting has gone on.

I know it's going to be near-on impossible, but try not to take this personally, because I've a feeling it's got nothing to do with you at all. I expect your bloke is someone who just can't fancy and have sex with more than one woman. In order to have an affair with her, he has to stop fancying you. It is nearly always a mirage imemoo and you should stop blaming yourself for any of it. You've had an illness and if your H has been supportive in the past, I think the only reason he's changed in recent times is because this woman has been making a pitch for him.

If I'm right and this is already an affair, getting him to leave will be a smart move, especially if you let everyone know (including his workplace) that you kicked him out because he was having an affair with his colleague.

springydaffs · 25/09/2011 22:56

" I think the only reason he's changed in recent times is because this woman has been making a pitch for him." I agree with this.

I also think it wouldn't be a good idea to chuck him out now with the bitch predator on the loose ()

MadAboutHotChoc · 26/09/2011 10:22

I'm with sternface - it sounds like it has become an emotional (if not physical) affair

Original poster

iMemoo · 26/09/2011 12:25

Thanks for all tbe replies. Just trying to process everything at the moment.

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 26/09/2011 12:48

Have you spoken to your husband?

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