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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

harmless banter of leading to something more?

13 replies

goingtothezoo · 24/09/2011 14:06

I am friends with a couple from my sons school - but more friendly with the mum, we go out together etc. I am also friends with the dad we are friends on facebook etc. Up until this week me and the dad have commented on facebook posts and had a few txt messages about who is picking kids from school etc but then last weekend he messaged me 'on chat' on facebook and then we spent all evening chatting in private, nothing suggestive, just about x factor and football. Then this week when he has been working on a late shift he has txt me about something to do with school but then again ended up txt all night about rubbishh really. I started to feel guilty and asked him why were we txt each other and were we flirting. He said no we are just mates!! and i reading too much in to this or are we going down a dangerous route ? Oh im single.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 24/09/2011 14:10

I would back off, if your feeling guilty it's for a reason. How would friend feel if she found texts?
I would back right off, tell him you only want to hear about school stuff.

Hassled · 24/09/2011 14:12

You asked him whether you were flirting?

The test is what would his wife think? If she'd be fine, carry on. If she'd be twitchy, stop at once. You know her - you must have a sense of how she'd feel.

TBH the fact you're even asking the question makes me think you know this is straying onto inappropriate territory, or that your feelings aren't maybe as they should be. Go offline or whatever - put some boundaries back.

Original poster
goingtothezoo · 24/09/2011 14:19

Yes i know her very well and also know that she doesn't love him anymore. She told me only last week that if he was to have an affair she would turn a blind eye. However yes, i am starting to think about him far too much than i should be.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 24/09/2011 14:28

Yes but saying it and when it happens are two different things!

buzzskillington · 24/09/2011 15:48

I doubt very much she'd turn a blind eye to a supposed friend being the one he had an affair with, even if she means what she said. Bear in mind what else she's telling you - it sounds like she has no intention of splitting up with him at the moment - so if you did embark on an affair, he'd have his home comforts and the excitement of a secret shag. You'd have the crumbs of time he could spare you.

If he's interested in you, let him leave her first.

EasternPhoebe · 24/09/2011 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Strangedays · 24/09/2011 16:20

What your friend has said to you about her marriage may be true but a marriage goes through ups and downs. You would be putting your friend's happiness, his happiness, their children's happiness and your own happiness at great risk if you continue with this secretive texting/messaging.

My DH thought our marriage was over and had an affair. It wasn't. We are together and the OW is out of the picture. You would stand to lose a friend and surely your self respect if you enter a relationship secretly. If you and he are meant to be together, don't cheat or how would you be able to trust him in future?

Also, there are children...

buzzskillington · 24/09/2011 16:36

I don't think advice from the OP regarding whether her 'friend' should leave the relationship is going to be exactly unbiased. So no, I don't think she should be advising her friend to leave him. I think she should be taking a step back out of both their lives, actually.

If she wants a relationship with the guy, she should wait until he's free. If he's interested in her, he should leave his wife. And yes, if the wife doesn't love him, she should end it, but it's not the wannabe OW's place to tell her so.

brianmayshair · 24/09/2011 17:17

My friend says that about her dh all the time to anyone that would listen but she's a big fat liar who is just no good at admitting her real feelings, me and her dh have been friends as in couple friends for years if i he was paying me as much attention as this man is paying you I would be seriously uncomfortable and back right off, we occasionally went to they gym together when our partners didn't want to/couldn't come and even that made me feel uncomfortable. You know the answer sounds like your already convincing yourself he is more available than he is.

Lougle · 24/09/2011 17:21

You are responsible for your behaviour.

It doesn't matter why he was texting you. It doesn't matter what his intention was. The fact is, he is not available, you know it. If your own feelings do not allow you to cope with this level of 'intimacy' regardless of how benign it might be for someone else in your situation, then it is your responsibility to respond to that.

He is responsible for his behaviour.

You can't be responsible for his behaviour, but you are responsible for your reaction to it.

ballstoit · 24/09/2011 17:27

Back right off. If you felt it was completely innocent, you wouldnt need to ask - him or mnet.

Strangedays · 24/09/2011 18:09

If you really want to know how this could go, read 'NOT Just Friends' by Shirley Glass

messybessie · 24/09/2011 19:37

If I found out that a single friend of mine had been texting or emailing DH, I'd be slightly Hmm.

However, if I found out that this friend had 'asked him why were we texting each other and were we flirting' I'd kick her ass to kingdom come.

Now grow up and stop pretending that this is all very innocent/exciting (delete as applicable)

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