what to do with someone who consistently says no-one understands

[springydaffs]

.. when there you are, understanding?

My sister does, and has always done, this. No-one understands about blah blah (usually her horrific husband) and I say 'well, I do' and she changes the subject.

The subtext being: you don't count.

does it also mean: you're nobody?

I'm tired of it.

I think the subtext is that she wants a wider audience than you. I would suggest she goes and finds one next time she wants someone to whinge to.

It means she needs to grow up and stop acting like a teenager. Does she also slam doors and shout that she didn't ask to be born? :o

Don't take it personally, OP, it's her problem, not yours. She just wants to be able to keep complaining about the same old things without having to actually do anything about it.

I know so many people who do this when it ususally means 'I want to moan but dont give me any solutions!' By saying you dont understand means you couldnt possibly help her. My friend does this with money problems, Stop going to BINGO or spending saturday afternoon in the pub.....No you just dont understand!

She's doing Yes, But.. in Games People Play by Eric Bern. Read it - it's an eye opener.

I used to say and think that a lot when I was depressed. The reason I said it/thought it was because it was true. People didn't try to understand they tried to either force me to do what they wanted by issuing orders that were couched as advice - you need to get out more, you need to look on the bright side - or they tried to belittle what I was feeling and thinking by contradicting everything I said. They thought they were being helpful but they weren't. They didn't listen to what I said they just wanted to fix things for me which basically meant trying to make me be different. They didn't accept that I was ill and just needed support. I felt alone and totally misunderstood.

Scribbler I think this blog entry gives a good fast summary of Yes, But... , and you could also look at Eric Bern's site which lists some of the various games, though Yes, But.. doesn't get a page of its own as some do. But you can get the old edition of the book on Amazon for 1p (plus postage) so it is worth a go. It's easy to read. The only downside is that some of the sexual politics are a bit dated (came out in the 60s), but a lot of it has really illuminated people's behaviour for me.

Scribbler, has your sister been diagnosed with depression? I know it's terribly wearing but often people with depression do just want to talk about the same things over and over and over, I know I did. My DH was an absolute saint he just listened and listened and listened until eventually I got better.

Have you tried repeating back to her what she's told you, so that she can tell you actually have understood? That way, if she's right and you haven't understood, she will know exactly what you haven't understood and can have another go. Good luck, it sounds very wearing.

That's tough going Scribbler. She's probably been depressed for so long that she doesn't know what feeling normal is like. One of the horrible things about depression is that it can be self-perpetuating in the sense that loneliness can trigger it and it can lead to further loneliness by driving people away. The only thing I can say is that it is an illness and a really horrible one at that. I know I was dreadful and wearing when I was depressed, and my family all but abandoned me because of it. Thankfully my DH stuck in there, bless him. I have tried to forgive my family for how they treated me when I was ill, but it's hard.