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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So you ditch him, how do you deal with the hurt?

21 replies

Jazzicatz · 30/08/2011 18:15

Just that really. Met this amazing guy, thought he was the real deal, turned out to be an arse like all the rest. But I still want to contact him and finding it difficult to let go as if feels as if we have unfinished business!

So how do you deal with the aftermath of a shit relationship?

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stayforthekids1 · 30/08/2011 19:21

I am just coming out the other side of meeting someone, falling head over heels within a few weeks (like a total moron) he said all the right things blah blah, then turned out to be a total player. Go me!

Delete numbers, remove from facebook if you have it and him on it, keep yourself busy. Remind yourself of all the reasons why he is an arse and you will think about him less and less. This guy, he left things unfinished...that he really did want to be with me but gave a load of crap reasons why not and that he wanted to be 'friends and see how things go'...I dont think so!

HairyGrotter · 30/08/2011 20:07

Argh hate the transition but it really is about time. Remove what you can of him from your life, like numbers, emails, facebook etc etc. Each day it gets a little less tempting to contact them.

Practically sitting on your hands when the urge takes you to contact, or I did a lot of writing what I wanted to say and keeping it in a document, then re-reading it when I felt 'unfinished'. I then focussed on what was wrong with it all. Eventually, time did it's thing and bang, happy days.

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 31/08/2011 12:39

Thanks both, yes I will do all of those things. Just feels so disheartening, aren't there any decent men out there? It would seem not!

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PhilipJFry · 31/08/2011 12:56

NO CONTACT. Not even at the worst moments. It will set you back every time- and if he contacts you do not reply or start a conversation. Don't feel bad for doing this because things are over between you and there's nothing to discuss. Only time will get rid of the feeling that you have unfinished business as eventually you won't even care about talking about why he acted in the way he did. Remember that one day you will look back and feel nothing but vague disinterest, not even a pang. You might even laugh.

PhilipJFry · 31/08/2011 12:57

(laugh at him, I mean)

stayforthekids1 · 31/08/2011 13:41

course there are decent men. Honestly. Dont give up just because of an arse. Best thing to do is take time to learn from what happened then get yourself back out there better equipped to sort the good guys from the bad. I found out last night that exNM has quite a few lassies on the go, some as young as 18...keeping them all hanging in there for when he is bored. Definitely helped to stop giving a shit about him. If anything I feel sorry for the other lassies. Lesson learned but its not going to put me off going fishing

HairyGrotter · 31/08/2011 17:49

I've just started a relationship with a wonderful guy, for how long? Who knows but I know what I feel now is great and I feel comfortable. He's not perfect, but he's right for me. Taken a fair bit of time to come close to liking someone this much tbh. Fucking nightmare is dating.

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 31/08/2011 18:37

So pleased Hairy you have found someone you like enough to date.

That is the problem, this guy is lovely, I really want a relationship with him, he said the same to me, in fact he initiated it. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and then nothing, just stopped texting, emailing. Hasn't said its over, just disappeared. Hence why it feels infinished!

Ho hum ...next!

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stayforthekids1 · 31/08/2011 19:15

how long were you 'seeing' him for?

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 31/08/2011 19:18

about 5 months!

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Original poster

Jazzicatz · 31/08/2011 19:20

It was a short but very intense relationship. He did everything to make me think it was going to be long term and so forth, then he just disappeared!

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stayforthekids1 · 31/08/2011 19:46

sounds very familiar...and its called being played. Same with the guy I was seeing, was about two months, said all the classics, I am falling in love with you, I can see us being long term, I have never felt like this before...etc etc. Fell for it hook line and sinker.

I could try and put another perspective to you. Perhaps because its been so short and intense, he has got overwhelmed and took himself out of the picture to get his head straight. In which case you would do well to just try get on with your life and if he gets back in contact, he will explain himself and let you know where you stand. Personally I decided I wasnt waiting around.

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 31/08/2011 20:07

Sorry you have been through the same, its awful at the time isn't it? I have thought about waiting around but I know that the anger will kick in soon so its best to move on and forget him. I just wish he had said it was over rather than just going quiet!

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stayforthekids1 · 31/08/2011 20:12

It is awful. Or it was. Its been over a week since things ended and I feel much much better now than I did at the time. I was totally smitten with him, which I feel a bit embarrassed about now, but you cant really help your feelings can you? Count yourself lucky, you can just move on and forget now. I still have to work with himself.

Seriously, it will get easier. I think when things are that intense so soon, it wont really work out anyways. Personally.

wanttobeabettermum · 31/08/2011 20:14

FM Jazzicatz, I could have written that message at exactly that moment! I ditched the leech on monday after 8 intense months...it was a rollercoaster ride of moments of what I thought were great passion and love, contrasted with times when I could barely cope with the cold and distance. Today I spoke to him (all his stuff is in my house) and he is shocked at getting the boot, and I found myself feeling sorry that he has had to sleep in his van for 2 nights, and was all ready to say come back! FFS. After a good talking to by my amazing womens network, I am back to resolve, but how long for? Crikey its hard! Keep busy, look forward. I made a list of all the reasons why we couldn't be together - secretive, deceitful, liar, player...they are all on there - yet I want more???!! Its times like this I want to not be the kind, loving woman I am, and instead be ruled by my head, which really does know better. Lots of luck and positive thoughts to you. We need to be strong. We ARE strong.

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 31/08/2011 20:16

Yes you are probably right. It just felt so easy and right though. I know that he was just a player but I just can't understand why he would do it! I just wish I could have an explanation and then I can move on...its the not knowing I find difficult!

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stayforthekids1 · 31/08/2011 20:39

He might not be and I am just bitter it really might be that he has got overwhelmed and backed off, but either way you still have to wait in limbo. You have to ask yourself, would you treat him that way, even if you started feeling it was too much too soon?

The whole part of being played is that you dont get any answers. It is hard and it really knocks your confidence. But you are better off out of it. I recently joined an online dating site and have been chatting to a lovely guy all day. I dont expect anything to come of it but its been nice and a good distraction! Like i said, best thing to do is stop asking yourself why and start concentrating on yourself again. Make yourself happy. And when you feel ready....get back out there :)

HairyGrotter · 31/08/2011 20:41

It's the not knowing that does kill you, it's horrible but time will see to that if you can remain strict in not contacting him.

I hate mind games, the first sign of them, I'm out but thats from learning the hard way, too many times. You deserve better treatment and there are plenty out there who don't fuck about like the plebs we read about on here!

Onwards and upwards!

stayforthekids1 · 31/08/2011 20:43

here here!

Maya6 · 31/08/2011 22:09

I have been there taken in thought this is it the love of my life but no, he was busy emailing, texting other women etc then I read a really old fashion booked called the rules and it made sense and there was another book why men marry bitches or something like that. Good luck check out the book iy really stops you calling him. :-)

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 01/09/2011 11:11

I am trying to remain strong over this, but I have to say its tough! I don't like playing games, I just want an honest relationship. Not sure why others don't play by the rules!

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