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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me to get the confidence to say 'that's it' tonight.

21 replies

MetalSian · 15/08/2011 08:52

Previous thread here: WhatADick!

You don't need to read it all, just the first bit I suppose, and the part where he moved out on Saturday.

So I have been a bit naughty but fed of being lied to.
I went on his facebook and he has messages to his employer, who is supposed to be buying the engine, trying to borrow £1500 =o.
And admitting that he had tried getting the loan but it was a scam.... why fucking lie.
And does this mean they are not buying the engine?
I then rang up his granddad as I was worried about him borrowing this money to be told, its okay I am lending him it. And he sounded pissed off with me! FFS!

So the soon to be EX-P is coming over tonight to sort out where we stand, and yes like an idiot I was probably still going to try and fix everything.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me strength to say we are over.
No matter how much I decide before when it comes down to it I always break and try again.
Help =[... very u[set and bloody pissed off!

OP posts:
Reality · 15/08/2011 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 15/08/2011 09:12

OP Reality is right, he will ruin you if you stay with him - at this stage it is only* £700, what will you do when it gets to £7000 or £70,000? He is a child and you already have one child to look after, you don't need another one. If you give him another chance he will see that as a green light that you are condoning his despicable behaviour - he will not change, this is not a one off (reading from your previous post). I hope you find the strength, good luck.

*disclaimer: I do realise that £700 is still a lot of money, just trying to get some context

Original poster
MetalSian · 15/08/2011 09:16

I know.
I think I may start changing things, such as getting the house in just my name, and talking to jobcentre about income support, (I only work 5 hrs a week =/).

Then if they are changed I won't change my mind AGAIN when he comes round.
He always talks me round =[.
And I am so stupid =[.

OP posts:
SirSugar · 15/08/2011 09:21

Get rid. Money doesn't buy you happiness but it sure does make misery more comfortable. With him you will have huge debts and be miserable.

TheOriginalFAB · 15/08/2011 09:26

Right this minute chang all your passwords.

Original poster
MetalSian · 15/08/2011 09:30

All my passwords are already changed, but I may do it again anyway.

Do I pack up the rest of his stuff?
He is in his grandparents living room so he won't have anywhere to put it =/.
I just don't know!

And to think I keep getting upset xD.

OP posts:
Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 15/08/2011 09:33

Let him worry about that, pack all his stuff up and have it ready by the front door. Do you have a friend who can be with you to give you support while he is collecting his things?

Anniegetyourgun · 15/08/2011 09:33

Good people do bad things sometimes, it's true, and should be forgiven, but this isn't one mistake, it's a hole he's enthusiastically digging deeper and deeper, and you don't need to be stuck in the bottom of it.

It's not just about the money, is it, it's the lying about the money. You don't lie to someone you respect, and if you don't respect someone you can't truly love them. His talk is just talk. I can do it too, look: "I love you MetalSian, I can't imagine my life without you in it, please say this isn't the end". You will have to imagine me holding both your hands in mine and looking straight into your eyes. "We have shared so much, don't throw it away. It'll all be all right, we can do anything as long as we stick together. You know I would never want to lie to you, I didn't want to hurt you that's all." Easy. Actors do it all the time, you'd swear they really meant every word, but in fact they are being paid for being convincing. Your partner is being paid for being convincing too, isn't he? He's being paid the money he's "borrowing" from all and sundry plus the love and care you were giving him. He doesn't want you to fix anything, he wants you to go on believing and paying up.

Isn't it time to get just a wee bit fucking furious angry at being mistaken for a stupid person? It was not you being stupid, though; your love and trust were abused. Civilisation breaks down when no-one can trust each other - as do families. He's taking everyone in his life for a bunch of mugs - his own mother and grandfather as well as his girlfriend. Up to them if they want to continue subbing him, he's their own flesh and blood, but at least you have options.

Original poster
MetalSian · 15/08/2011 09:39

He just thinks he is coming over to talk, so may be shocked if his things are on the doorstep xD.
I want to talk to him about when he will see DS, and if he is happy to hand over the tenancy to me (joint at the moment).
But I need to keep strong xD, as I keep telling myself.

I have spoken to my dad, and I will ring them once he is gone but he thinks I am doing the right thing.

I need to ring up people and get the ball rolling, so I can't go back on it.

And Annie, he doesn't even try that whole please have me back thing. For some reason I am a fool and always want him back.
Everything is one sided, me trying and fixing everything all the time.

How can you even love such an idiot? I hope this bloody well gets easier!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 15/08/2011 09:40

I guess you're just one of life's fixers. As Fuzzywuzzy says, there you are worrying about where he is going to put his stuff, as if it was your problem! It is not your job to rescue him.

HerHissyness · 15/08/2011 10:18

Right, so as of thuis minute he's OUT? It's a whole lot easier to KEEP HIM OUT than it is to get him to leave.

He needs to pay you back every single pence he stole from you, before you will even discuss him setting foot in your home again. Stick to this and it'll give you the space to see the wood from the trees, to see how utterly substandard he is, and to learn to see how much better life is without this millstone aroiund your neck.

The others are right, you allow him in your life he will ruin you.

Original poster
MetalSian · 15/08/2011 10:22

He has said he will pay me back to £700 when he finishes selling the car or something. So hopefully he will.

But then again he has never done anything he has agreed to before =[.

OP posts:
schobe · 15/08/2011 10:32

Hell will freeze over before you see a penny of that £700, I'm sorry.

At the moment he's assuming you'll beg him to come back.

When you don't, it will all become your fault and you will OWE him that £700 and more in his head.

Forget it. Please try to visualise yourself and your DS without him as a happy little unit. You will end up in serious debt with him.

Original poster
MetalSian · 15/08/2011 11:44

Do I wait until I have spoken to him tonight to start changing things?
Like all the house tenancy and tax credits =/?

I'm not sure what to do =[!

OP posts:
SirSugar · 15/08/2011 11:55

I wouldn't bother talking about it, just get on with sorting things out.

I know you are upset, but you are much stronger than you think.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 15/08/2011 12:10

Agree with sirsugar

Start sorting things and you will feel in control and he won't be calling the shots

buzzsore · 15/08/2011 12:44

If you know you want and need to get out of this relationship, then get on with sorting things out now before you see him.

Phone up tax credits, get the tenancy changed into your name. Bag up his stuff.

Have a friend with you when he turns up. Don't give him the chance to wheedle and talk you round.

Original poster
MetalSian · 15/08/2011 13:22

No going back now, changed tax credits and housing help.
Need to get him to sign something for the tenancy.

Now just to see if I can get income support until I start my higher education course in September.

Oh and not to back down when he is around later.
Thanks for the support everyone, much appreciated!

OP posts:
SirSugar · 15/08/2011 14:10

yes beware of backing down, he may say some things that make you feel stupid and make like you are being too reactionary. Revolutionary is what you want to be.

You can never expect change if you continue to repeat dealing with a problem in the same way; Use a different approach if you want a different outcome

privatename · 15/08/2011 14:57

When i rang tax credits and changed to a single claim that was the turning point for me,it was real then,no going back,it cemented things for me,hope you can stay strong x

Wisedupwoman · 15/08/2011 17:06

OP have I understood it right that he took money from your account without asking your permission, having applied for an overdraft in your name?

if so he has stolen from you. If he hasn't paid it back to you, he has stolen from you. If he doesn't pay it back, he has stolen from you.

He is a thief, OP. And he stole from you.

Why would you go on protecting someone who does this to you?

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