Have had no contact with my mum for 3 months. But summer holidays has started...

[Bear1984]

I first posted back in April about my mum here. I have always had a difficult relationship with my mum. I haven't spoken to her in three months as I had found out she was filling my 8 year old DD's head with horrible thoughts about me, saying that I'm lazy, don't do anything with DD, that DD should ignore me if I tell her off, and other things that has made DD doubt me in some ways. There have also been a couple of incidents between me and my mum, such as when she went to hospital to have an operation to have a cist removed, she didn't tell me when she was going in, but told my sister (who I don't talk to) that she didn't tell me that she had gone in because she thinks I don't care or would bother to go see her, which is untrue. When I found out, which wasn't til 9pm the evening after she had gone in, I went straight down there but wasn't able to go in to see her. At that time as well, me and mum had been getting on quite well, so I couldn't work out why she would say that.

When I was little, she use to hit me and make me feel like I was a terrible person and that there was something wrong with me, as she never touched my siblings. Even now as an adult, she belittles me and undermines me when it comes to DD.

Contact with my mum has always been like every so often as I can't spend too much time with my mum, plus my mum had told me she didn't like me being around when she was seeing DD as I ruined their time together... But I always kept contact because of DD. However now that I know she's been saying things to DD, I want to protect her and not have her being subjected to stuff like that!

During the 3 months, I've had texts and calls from her, keep saying she misses DD and wants to see her. She has contacted my DP as well to try and see her. She has written to me and I have written her too. She had said to me that I am punishing DD by not letting her see her. DD has mentioned her twice over the past 3 months. She tried to make me feel like I'm being a terrible mum to DD for not letting her see her nan. That angered me more for trying to put that on me after everything she has said to her.

My sister has also been in contact but I know that's because mum told her to. When my sister starts the text "hey sis!" I know something isn't right. I don't speak to my sister because she's a horrible person. Because she was never disciplined when we were little as mum was too busy taking her frustrations out on me, my sister has ended up sleeping around, having abortions, and god knows what else. She also has a DD much younger than my DD. She has used her DD as blackmail against mum a few times. Like one Valentines Day, when sister was with her ex, she had said she didn't want to go out, so mum arranged to work that night. Then my sister suddenly changed her mind, and when mum told her she couldn't get out of work now that she had agreed to go in, my sister then went on to blackmail mum saying that she would never let her see her DD again if she didn't get the night off and even threatened to call her work up and make her lose her job... and people wonder why I don't like my sister...

When it was my birthday, she just wrote in my card that she hopes I have the birthday I deserve, as in she hoped it would be shit. She had stopped paying for her car though she was in a full time job, and told mum the day before it was due that the courts were demanding her to pay the car off in full or she would lose it. Mum obviously gave her the money to pay off the car. She would also just drop her DD off at mum's and go out every weekend with her friends and just take the piss really.

Now that it's the summer holidays, I know my mum will be on my doorstep a lot. Luckily we go away for 2.5 weeks which I'm really looking forward to. But I also know I need to talk to her face to face at some point, which is something I haven't done yet. Partly because I've been really busy, partly because I have been avoiding it. I am still really really angry with her, and I know that won't really lessen or anything until I speak to her.

Can anyone make a suggestion as to how I can be ok during the talk I have with her? I know I'll end up getting really angry with her.

But sorry think I just needed to rant really as I'm just still annoyed and angry with the whole situation.

Talking to your mother in such circumstances is a complete waste of time and effort on your part; toxic parents like your mother do not and will not abide by the "normal" rules of familial behaviour. She will be completely unreasonable, blame you, give you a laundry list of your supposed shortcomings (she'll enjoy that bit in particular) and basically make you out to be the scapegoat again. It will not go well.

It is also okay not to want to seek this damaged woman's approval any more; many adults who were children of such toxic parenting have FOG - fear, obligation and guilt in spades.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your sister is golden child (a role itself not without price) and you as the scapegoat for all her ills.

I would suggest counselling for your own self and would have a look at BACP's website; they would have a list of counsellors in your area and they don't charge the earth. Counsellors however are like shoes; you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

Toxic parents as well are more than happy to pass on all their crap to the next generation as has been seen with her behaviour towards your DD. You need to protect her as well as yourself from this inherently damaged woman because she will poison your DD too if you allow it to happen.

It is NOT your fault your mother is like this; her own family did that for her (I note before you alluded to some of her own childhood).

You need to completely separate yourself from the drama triangle of your toxic mother, toxic sister and you or you'll be in such a situation for the rest of your days. I do not advocate no contact lightly but in your case I would seriously consider doing so.

Attila, thanks for your post. I guess you're right. I thought that maybe if I spoke to her, she would back off a little but I know really that wouldn't be the case.

I'm going to see my GP on Tuesday to ask for counselling, as I am on anti-depressants already.

I have found it quite easy to not be in contact with her, and DD hasn't been too bothered by it either, although she doesn't know that me and mum aren't talking. I think I may need to mention it to her so she knows but not more than she needs to know.

I have been ignoring her calls and texts and visits. I think my main worry is that over the summer holiday she knows DD will be off. I feel like I can't even walk to the shops without worrying I'll bump into her and I feel like I shouldn't have to be like this. Currently trying to save what we can so we can move. Praying that happens sooner than later.