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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you cope & deal living with a narcissistic DH?

15 replies

DiamondDoris · 14/06/2011 10:21

I just want to know how others coped or are still coping. I'll hopefully be out soon, divorce is underway and I'm in the process of buying a flat. But he's still driving me crazy. Do you think I can confide in my GP and find out if counselling exists for dealing with them? I don't know if such a thing exists.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiamondDoris · 14/06/2011 18:20

Can anyone help me? Smile Although I don't feel like smiling at the moment.

OP posts:
ThisIsANiceCage · 14/06/2011 18:25

Hey there, don't have anything useful to say - tho I'm sure others here will.

Just wanted to offer you a Brew and Biscuit, and suggest you try posting on "But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional Families Thread or Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships.

Diggs · 14/06/2011 18:25

Womens Aid can help you with this and theyre familiar with it . Whats he doing ?

cjbartlett · 14/06/2011 18:26

I don't know what one is Blush

waterrat · 14/06/2011 18:28

Diamond - if you look on the BACP website - they have links to counsellors in your area - and there are often people who charge low rates. The best way to find one who suits you is to try a few out - or chat to them on the phone and explain your issues with your partner , to make sure you will find one who has the right understanding. remember - one thing about counselling - its for you - and will help you look at why you chose your relationship, your own background - and how to believe in yourself going forward. So don't focus solely on him.

Diggs · 14/06/2011 18:36

How much do you know about narcissists Diamond ?

Often once you see them for what they really are they lose any power over you . Toddlers in adults bodys dont seem so scary once you know what your dealing with . Theyre also horribly predictable , and often fairly easy to apease as long as you feed them regularly . Vindictive ones are differant though , i assume your going to pay for daring to divorce him . ?

Original poster
DiamondDoris · 14/06/2011 18:37

Diggs - the typical gas lighting, using me as a doormat, walking away rather than discussing problems, contradicting me, controlling me - with little under 2 months to put up with him, social services were called because someone had heard me screaming at him - I think it was to do with him telling me how much insulin I should inject into my own daughter - I was worried about her blood sugars being too high and mother's instinct told me to give her one extra unit of insulin and he wouldn't do it. I've posted on other threads - he takes out of the dustbin what I throw in it, he doesn't like me opening curtains.... the list is endless. He also persists in wearing his wedding ring although we have been living as seperated for a couple of years! It distresses me but he won't remove the ring.

waterrat - that will be just what I'm looking for, I'll google them, thank you so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiamondDoris · 14/06/2011 18:43

As from today I've decided not to talk to him and act as though he is invisible and not get worked up if he says anything accusatory or negative or patronising to me. I need to be a good mother and not let the DCs become affected - but it is going to take monumental willpower.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiamondDoris · 14/06/2011 18:50

Diggs - sorry to miss your post. He's always made me feel guilty about wanting the divorce, saying the typical thing "you'll harm the DCs" and so on. He said he'd fight for the marital home, so I said "fine you can have it". He's remortgaging and giving me some of the equity but it isn't 50/50 nor do I have a job. I won't get his pension. He's not happy with what he's giving me and is concerned that I'm "making him poor". Yes, he's very vindictive, over the top and would probably harm me if I did anything like throw any of his beloved stuff away. I think he hasn't lost his power over me yet because I'm too soft and get riled up easily, he feeds off this, I'm sure. He has said that I'm crazy, an alcoholic, adulteress and so on - none of which are true. My mother has always known he was a narcissit and I was too blind.

OP posts:
fluschmoo · 14/06/2011 19:01

Blimey Diamond - he sounds like my ex. Especially the bit about throwing things away and the money. My ex thinks I took "the family money" meaning his own family, when I had my settlement which was a completely fair one. God forbid if I threw one thing away and I'm not talking about anything that belonged to him - an old newspaper for example. The list is endless. Just remember that all the threats he makes he will probably never go through with. He just wants to frighten and intimidate you. Be prepared for a bit of a bumpy ride but you will get through it. Just give him as little information as you possibly can. My ex always lived by "information is power". Makes me shudder now. Take care of yourself.

BertieBotts · 14/06/2011 19:15

Have you been on the NPD support thread? I found it invaluable. Still do really :)

I can't do links at the moment as on crappy old laptop, but if you search for "NPD recovery" and click to search titles, you'll find it. Just jump in at the end, you don't have to read it all, though you may find it helpful.

Diggs · 14/06/2011 19:21

Your not harming the Dcs Diamand , your removing a toxic inluence from their lives , something they,ll thank you for when theyre older and they start to see for themselves .. And your not soft either , it takes some recovering . They are notoriously tight so its no surprise he thinks hes " giving " you things when in fact theyre yours anyway . Has this deal been negotiated by a soliciter ? Theyre often financially corrupt and will screw you in a heartbeat.

If youve only got a fortnight id grit your teeth . Let him think hes right , its just not worth the fallout . Once hes gone youll be able to detatch properly from him . Womens aid have local centres that are free they can refer you to , i would give them a ring , they are very experienced in this . Theres also some excellant books that will help you , but it sounds like youve done all the hard work yourself , identifying him and getting rid of him . Thats hard. Well done .

Your on the brink of your new life Smile

MizzyFizzy · 14/06/2011 19:48

Link on BertieBotts behalf...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1033653-NPD-Abusive-partner-Recovery-thread

Hope it helps OP.

BertieBotts · 14/06/2011 20:04

Thanks MizzyFizzy :)

HerHissyness · 14/06/2011 20:08

Sadly, there is nothing you can do, other than to grit your teeth and get through it. I know that's not helpful at all. Sorry! Grin

In 2 months and a weeks time, all this will be over, I know it seems like forever away, it really isn't.... try and keep busy, try to use the time to detach, and don't 'live with' him in this time observe him, look at all his freakish behaviour as if it's happening to someone else, and note it all down, either mentally or in a journal. Read it whenever you are feeling guilty or weak about leaving.

It'll be OK in the end, you will get out.

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