DD meeting whole new family

[OnlyWantsOne]

DD who is 4 is going to be meeting her biological father's whole family over the next few weeks - we've agreed he will have her every other saturday - and during this time she will meet his partner, her 1/2 sister, step family, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc...

ex says he wants to ease her into it, and has suggested family party best way to do it

can you tell me what to say to him (via email) what would be the gentlest way etc,
shes never been to his house and has said she doesnt want to go there as me and dd2 wont be there and shes scared that he will get cross with her??

The party sound like a terrible idea. Far too intimidating for a four year old. Why not meet on neutral ground, just the three of you, and then gradually progress from there. take everything at your daughter's pace.

The party idea is to easy HIS arrangements, not with any consideration for your DD.

The meet ups should be like ripples in a pond, with the ex's immediate family, partner etc/ half sister. THEN after a while, the GM, then see how things go, if she is at ease with his immediate family and has met her StepGP, then why not have a party.

do you think its fair of me to suggest to him he shoes her some photos and talks to her about the people, so she recognises them when they actually meet.

Ive just asked her if she wants to go to his house and play and she burst into tears and said no :(

What are the circumstances here? Why has he never had her before, and why have they not met her before?? Why the sudden interest?

hasnt lived with her since she was 4 months, sporadic contact ended july 08, reintroduced last july 2010 and now iv said he can see her every other saqturday - to make life easier and hopefully less confusing for her

he has only ever had contact supervised (contact centre) and then non supervised (3 sessions of this) at a soft play centre, but not leaving the play centre

Why is she scared that he will be cross with her?

It does sound a bit daunting for a small child. Is there a family member of yours who she knows well who could accompany her?

I'm not sure why she thinks he will be cross, she said that he doesn't want to go to his because I don't know where it is, and she doesn't know any one - so I said I would talk to him - but she said dont tell because he will be cross with me

Hmm, that sounds a bit worrying to be honest. I know that her saying that could be a verbalisation of her general anxiety - which she may have picked up from you, a bit? - but are you confident that he is good with her?

I'm not suggesting for a minute he has treated her badly in the time since he's had contact - but does he relate to her well, on her level? She obviously doesn't feel at ease with him at all - do you think that's just the circumstances of the contact or an issue with him?

Would it be an idea for YOU to be around during the new contact at his home, to help her settle in and feel at ease there?

He clearly has been cross with her before because she would not just say that otherwise, I too think meeting too many people at one would be too overwhelming for a four year old.

You are going to have to hold back on her meeting the other people in his life until she is comfortable with seeing her dad on her own, at present she isn't so it is not fair to push her, your childs wellbeing must come first.

I am under no illusion I most certainly would by be welcome in his home.

We don't discuss him at home around DD - and when we talk to her the conversations are generally led by her and we keep them short and upbeat

Party is a rubbish idea and I am not sure why she has to meet the half sister of her dad's girlfriend.

DDs 1/2 sister...