I dont think I can do it and I just want everyone to fuck off

[bejeezus]

i am seperating from semi-abusive fffsh and true to form he is being a fffs about it and wont leave the house. I know I can get him out legally but it will take time. Living with him makes me want to explode. His presence in the house is so domineering and I feel like I am shrunken. All I want to do is be peaceful, have a nice peaceful house and look after and love my dds. From when I wake up in the morning I get more and more tense until this time when I want to explode. I feel like Im sinking farther and farther away from my dcs. My house is a shit-hole and I cant get on top of it. There is so much legal/financial/practical stuff to organise and sort out. I am desperate to sleep. People knock at the door and ring the phone and I wish they would all fuck off and leave me alone. I have a few friends in similar positions but instead of finding support and comfort from each other- I dont want to hear it. Ive had a friend here all day in an awful state about her husband and I found it so draining. I did my best to be the friend I know I should be but really I dont care and I just wanted her to gooooo awaaaaaaay.

:(

I don't really know what to say but didnt want to read and leave.

It sounds as though it would be worth the legal battle to get his out of your home ASAP. You really need some time to yourself so that you can heal. Is there someone that can help you?

its not worth hanging around for the sake of a house...look what its doing to you!!

You sound like you are crashing towards a breakdown and you need to get on top of things one step at a time, baby steps.

Firstly pull the phone out of the socket, secondly tell friends when they want to come round you are busy, sick, unable to see them.

Start looking at ways to sort the house out one room at a time, one day at a time.

See a solicitor first and foremost, whose name is the house in is it yours? If so it is easy to get him out, if in joint names I'd have to say you can't get him out and would be better off getting out yourself for the sake of your sanity.

Is there anywhere you could go, even for a while, for a break?

Of course you are overwhelmed, please don't beat yourself up, this stuff is excrutiating, it will end though, one day it will. Hang in there!

he has agreed to go- but hes just NOT. Its joint names but he cant afford it without me..its my home, Ive paid for everything in it, maintenance etc. Hes accepted this, just making unreasonable financial demands before he will actually go. I give up-I will agree to what he wants and see if he will just FUCK OFF then. I have a solicitor and she assured me, we could get him out without agreeing to what he wants--but that takes time. I dont feel like I have time if I want to keep my sanity.

Your right Hissy --it is EXCRUCIATING. I had no idea.....

I dont want to go anywhere for a break. Ive got some weekends away lined up. I dont want to go on any of them. I just want to stay here and be quiet with my kids

I won't comment on relationship but if the house is getting on top of you try Flylady.com. It's completely nuts american bonkers stuff, but it worked for me.

Is there anywhere he could go, parents, friend etc? give him till the end of June, and no more. Tell him that this will damage all relationships if he hangs on, and you are trying to minimise the damage to future contact.

Meanwhile, start the solicitor rolling anyway, if H sees you are starting the process of removal, which you can tell him is entirely avoidable and as it's caused by him it'll therefore will be coming off of any monetary settlement he gets from you, he might just realise A that you are serious and B he'll lose out if he struggles/holds you to ransom.

Strong thoughts bejeezus!

The week before I got rid of my X, I had a sore throat that wouldn't respond to anything. It turns out it was the tears I had not cried, it was that tears-throat, which is literally unbearable.

I got through it, sure it was a shock to come out the other side, but I am here! You will get through this love, it'll get worse before it gets better, but you know, one day, it'll be over and you will be free.

Don't give up! Don't give him this last victory! I know you're exhausted by it, but you're in the final leg now, you can do this.

Start the legal process to get him removed, perhaps just beginning the process will get him to realize your serious about not taking his shit anymore and will get him to move out, if not it will give you a definite point when he will leave and you can just keep your head down and get through it until then. What's more, it'll give you some much needed self-respect. It'll be the point when you stopped being beaten down by his crap, and started fighting back.

I know it's exhausting, but just a little further now. You can do this. This is like transition in labour. It feels like you can't do it anymore, you're totally exhausted and feel like you can't go on, but you can, you will, and something amazing will come out of this you'll be free!

I know you just want to feel relaxed at home, but he wont let you because if he does he's lost his power to try and control you. So you need to find somewhere else you can find relaxation. Exercise at the gym? Swim? Coffee shop? Best friend's house? Mum's house? A counsellor? Send the DD's away to stay the night with a friend or family member and get a hotel room for the night if you have to. You can do this.

sending you some very un MN ((((hugs))))

thank you for your messages.

Ive spoken to solicitor- she said what you have said--give him a deadline then go for court order. Im nudging towards it. Its so hard to let it get nasty-i want it to be amicable for the kids. I know i shouldnt 'give him the last victory', I felt like that with a passion, but Im so far past caring who is victorious right now....I am listening though...friends and family who know what is going on have said the same...hes blackmailing me etc, and I know you on the outside are more objective/rational than me so Im still fighting (but in quite a flimsy half hearted way at the moment!).
I had been going to the gym ALOT! I made it a priority and it was keeping me strong and clear headed...but i dont know wha happened this last week...i just dont have the energy or the motivation. And I look like shit.
ive had a sore throat for ages Hissy!!! is that what it is?! I realised also that when im alone, I constantly have tears falling...Im not sobbing, they are just quietly escaping constantly..boo hoo poor me huh? I HATE being such a victim, I hate feeling so vulnerable..yeuck!!

I DO feel a bit better today. Had a difficult night with baby and so went back to bed with her for the morning. Sleep helps everything.

thanks again

Yep that was me too, the escaping tears. It's tears not for him, for the him he might have been, the him he has become, the him you can't bear. It's the saddest thing in the world, an utter waste.

I'm so sorry.

You don't want to be like this, but this is not your doing anymore, he is the one making it hard, he is the one that is forcing you to get help to express your need for him to leave you alone.

Iron Fist, velvet glove, get the order ready and execute it if you have to, otherwise it really will get nasty and you will hate him.

i meant to say- thanks Barbie for the Fly lady link. I had vaguely heard of it before, I am definitely going to give it a go- got my sink full of bleach as I type!

Hissy- most of my tears are for the kids now. I feel SOOOOOooo bad that I lumbered them with this situation. I really really should have known better. telling my daughter that her daddy is moving out is going to be the hardest thing I ever ever do

Oh tell me about it. I loathed myself for having picked such a waste of skin for a dad for DS.

But you know something? it's better than I thought it would be on that score too!

DS and I get on better, his developmental issues and tics are gone, and he is developing well. Basically there are things he does that are stress related, he no longer does them. He was near to resolving them when X came over initially, but within days of his dad's arrival back with us, it flared up again. Only now X is no longer here DS is fine, he has cracked his stress issue.

Remember, none of this is your fault. He made it impossible for your family to survive, HE killed this relationship and is now driving in the final nails to the coffin.

I know what you are feeling, it is the pits, but I promise you, life is better on the other side of this. Stay focussed love!

If you need help with the flylady stuff, try the Good Housekeeping threads as you'll find people there who'll support you in following the fly lady stuff while also being a good bunch to know.