if your partner works away from home during the week tell me how you find it?

[fufflebum]

DH and I have two children together. He works and I am a SAHM. This arrangement has worked well however my husband has been made redundant recently and we are faced with the prospect of him working away from home during the week (the alternative is to all up sticks and move with him- unsettling for DC who are settled at school to say the least).

I know lots of people who commute and manage with the kids in the week and am guessing what this might be like for us but having not done it before wonder how others find it and cope?

I am wondering whether in the short term it may be easier not to move but longer term all the family relationships will suffer by not moving. DC are still young as they are at primary school and we have no family help locally.

All views would be helpful. Thanks

We are in the same position after redundancy 2 years ago. At first DH rented a flat for the first year but that became very expensive with another £800 added to monthly outgoings. Now he stays in a B and B three nights a week and comes home mid week.

It is very tiring for him and he seems to spend his life in traffic. We do not want to move as our standard of living would reduce. We have a great house in rural Essex and can't afford anything similar in West London, where he now works.

Our son is older so managing child care is not difficult.

I do find that we both want to enjoy weekends together and tend to ignore the mundane stuff like housework and DIY (which then falls to me in the week).

He is now looking for a job where we can all move together and because our DS will finish his GCSEs this year, it will be easier to move.

We did it for an academic year - following dh's redundancy he decided to retrain as a teacher, and not being able to get in to a local university he went 200 miles away. Stayed with my folks during the week, left here Sunday evening and got back Friday night.

We were in a similar situation to you (ds1 well settled at school), except ds2 was only born during his course! We did know it was just short term (ish) though, hence not wanting to move - had we done that then ds1 could potentially have spent his first 3 years of education in 3 different schools, which we just didn't want.

Tbh I did find it quite easy. Was forced to be organised (not my strong point!). Had a great support network too (no family locally, but lots of great friends). This is important - even just someone to call on to take one of your kids to school if the other is sick.

Oh and as for family relationships, well it made weekends all the more precious, making a conscious effort to do stuff together, instead of just drifting through to Monday morning as we had done before.

And Skype is a must. Me, dh and the kids would talk daily for half an hour or so. Better than the phone as you can see each other, plus ds1 could show daddy what he'd been doing at school.

My partner works away during the week and is home at weekends. He has done for about five years now. I work part time.

On the whole I love it but it's harder for him I think. He does't like being away from home so much.

I find it busy with kids and work etc but tbh it's easier to get on with it by myself during the week than have to negotiate with someone else so I think I've the best of both worlds right now. I get a lot of time to myself and him here at the weekends.

Mind you, mine aren't teenagers yet and I think life's a lot more complicated at that stage so I'm very aware may be saying something very different soon.

I'm also really, really lucky in that although we've no family to call on, we've built up a network of close friends nearby who are wonderful.

That's made all the difference. If you've no support or people around you can trust, then it can quickly becomes exhausting and relentless.

Thanks for your replies. It is interesting to hear how others find it.

I have a few friends locally and am rapidly finding out who my 'true' friends are in light of the redundancy!

Since last Nov my DP has worked 85 miles away and is now living mon - fri in his own flat in Sussex , which he formally rented out. I only have one Ds still living at home , with big 2 children grownup and left, so life is so much easier. I hope DP stays in his new job as its such good money. Cooking shopping is so simple.
I am ok about the week on my own, can watch and eat what i like. I have the WHOLE double bed to myself and he doesnt wake me up in the night sniffing or trips to loo.

Thanks maltesers I can see the advantages to living away during the week etc. I am so afraid to up root the children as they are so settled.

i am just wondering if in the longer term it would be a bad move for DH and my relationship.

If it's a possibility to move and the prospect of the job are good, then do that. Kids are resilient and a move in primary school is far better than secondary. I moved my lot when the eldest was 12 and the triplets were 6, and they're all very well settled here. It didn't take long at all.

Pros: easier catering
can have dcs in the bed all night!
can watch what I want on television
can turn the light out/keep it on when I want
no-one stomping around at 5.30am waking me up

Cons: can never go out myself
sometimes (only sometimes, mind!) miss dh

thanks for the opinions.

I am wondering whether it is easier to make the move now that the children are young rather than waiting until they are older. However, conversely I do not want to keep 'following' husband around as his career options change and so forth as it is quite possible that the new job/relocation could lead to another relocation etc.

My DH has commuted weekly for the past 18 months. I work and have one DC. It is tiring having to work and deal with all the domestic stuff by myself tbh. I also sometimes would love to go for a run/go to an exercise class in the evening and can't without paying a babysitter. Our family are 4 hours away.

The only reason it works at all is that I pay a mothers help who comes in every morning when I leave v early for work. She looks after dd, takes her to school and does some stuff around the house.

When DH moves again then we will move with him as we have now said that we will be 'mobile' (up to a point) as a family whilst she is at primary school. I went to 3 different primary schools when growing up and don't remember being emotionally scarred at all, barr the initial nervousness on the first day. When I reached secondary school age my DPs spent 2 years with my Dad doing weekly commuting to allow for continuity in my education, which I think is important at that age.

Thanks notyummy. I think it all is based on my concern for moving the children and the network of people I now know since having them. If we relocated DH would settle in to his job and I would have to look at settling the kids and myself in to another life. He is a very self confident and self contained person whereas I need more social contact. Something about this just feels unfair to me as I will be left with all the difficult bit and he will start his new job (as he is so self contained this would not bother him). So my reticence at any move if for my kids and me and less for him as being their main carer etc it will affect us greatly to move.

Conversely if we stay put he would have the harder job travelling etc although perhaps he would be able to focus properly on his job in the week and us at weekends as sometimes the pressure of the job makes him present but worrying/wondering about work.

It is so complicated. This is why it is useful to hear others experiences good and bad to help inform out decisions.

My OH works away Mon-Thurs ( leaves home 3pm Sundays as his journey is 300 miles).
He's been doing this for 4 years now.
It can be hard sometimes when the DCs have things on and they want Daddy to be there.
Weekends are special family time.
The DC are at very good schools and have lots of friends/activities they do.
If we moved back down south our standard of living wouldn't be as good. Even though i'm on my own here, no family i love it.
Me and OH spend all day Friday together "our time" when DCs are at school. &

I suppose if I/when I move with DH I would probably look to get a job ASAP on moving, as doing that gives you some sort of social network that can be harder to build otherwise. You are right that it could be isolating to move without either a job or social network, unless you are a slightly outgoing person. We are currently living in our third location in five years, so I guess I am used to it!!

Its a hard decision for you flufflebum as kids are settled. As they say in life, when you have to make a big decision there is always a sacrifice ! So if you move for you and dh to be together you risk the kids having to start new schools and make new friends etc. It depends how you and DH are getting on with this working away scenario.

Is your relationship really suffering? Do you miss each other during the week. Would you be happier living all week with him? Do the kids miss their dad?
Can you afford to move ? Would you be nearer relatives/ other friends?

Thanks notyummy, muddyangels123 and maltesers. Your experiences are very useful to hear and many of your suggestions are things we have contemplated. I guess we will have to make the decision based on all these factors. It is so hard as I never thought we would be 'forced' to consider these options!

My Dh has been working the ME since late Nov and I haven't found it too bad. I have taken a few months Parental Leave and stayed at home with my 8 and 4yo. He came back for Xmas and NY and every 4 weeks for a long weekend and its fine, I find the weekends the hardest as I don't get a break, otherwise they're at school during the week.

I supposed it depends on how much you depend on him for company. I do my exercise and have lunches with friends in the day while the kids are at school, and have a Cleaner once a week and Mothers Help a couple days of the week, who will become their Nanny as I'm going back to work in Mar 3 days a week. She also babysits so that i can maintain a social life of sorts, i probably go out once every two weeks in the evening.

So far its fine but i may change that opinion when I go back to work. Also it is harder on him, because he's away working 12 hr days and misses the cuddles with the kids and also doesn't have much of a social life there. But its certainly not as bad as you might imagine, but it maybe depends on how much you rely on him for things too.

My DH works away monday-thursday, has done for 2 1/2 years.
I hate it :(
I miss him, the kids miss him, he misses us. Our youngest is only 2 and middle one has just started school, so they are still small enough to be quite hard work on my own. I find weekends so condensed and Sunday evening is such a downer.

My DP used to work away in the week and has just started after a few years of not away much.

It's like the others say, it's got pro's and cons. I have no family near so I find it tough when emergencies occur but we are all still here and found out we have the bestest neighbours around.

I work part-time so 3 days a week a blur as I dash around nurseries and schools. I am knackered by 7pm and often go to bed after my 6 yr old.

I find I get niggly with DP on his return on Fridays when he dumps his bag of clothes for washing and expects us to worship him. But he gets the worst deal, he misses the kids.

If he does go - let him go at first and see how things go. You can join him in a few months. He can check out homes/ schools/ areas to live etc..whilst there rather than everyone rushing there.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Readlly useful to hear your views.

havnt experienced this personally but seen 3 friends go through it

one moved 150miles away (bout 2.5/3hrs drive) and within 6mths job fell through/dh wasnt happy, so they all moved for nothing

other stayed where she was and dh comutes, leaves early mon and back mon night,stays tue and thur and home friday, so actually only generally away 2 nights a week and its fine

3rd friend dh leaves sun eve and back fri afternoon - she says at times its hard/lonely/tiring with dc but for them its a means to an end

i would be wary moving with dh incase job doesnt work out,but no reason why you cant in 6mths time

I like the idea of a 'trial period' of working away. That seems to make sense to see how it goes. I would only really be happy if DH could condense his hours to work 4 full days so he could at least spend some time back here with us all.