Starting a relationship with a victim of abuse

[Berglund]

I?m after a female opinion. I?ve met a lovely wonderful woman. After a few months, we had a discussion over whether we were bonding and becoming as close as we hoped, and we both thought that we weren?t. She then told me she?d been abused quite horribly by her father and found it difficult to trust men. She felt that we were getting closer and she felt comfortable with me.

I think she?s great, but I?m concerned how to go about starting a relationship where someone?s been a victim of abuse. This issue has meant the start of the relationship hasn?t been as easy as it might have been. Any female advice would be gratefully received.

I'll let those that know more on this subject advise you - but I would say perhaps you could see her as a survivor of abuse and not a victim ..... just a thought from me

Ok, point taken about the terminology. It's certainly been a shock when she told me, and I'm amazed at how much she's been through and is such a strong person.

All I would say is take things at her speed, and remember that if she freezes or rejects you, it is not personal it is because you are a representative of your gender. She will feel awful doing it, and really guilty, and may try to push you away, but the best you can do is keep reassuring her that it doesn't matter, you will wait till she's ready, etc.

The fact she says she feels comfortable with you is a major plus - you must be a great guy! Seriously though, if you take it slowly, don't push her, and don't look disappointed if she says no, I'm sure it will work out in the end. As vuvuzela says, she is obviously a survivor, and wants to get involved. Just be gentle and sensitive to her mood (which may well change from positive to scared and back again in the space of a cuddle), and remember that romance and intimacy can be achieved in different ways. Once she is secure with you, things can move on.

You would be surprised at the number of people who have experienced abuse of some form of another!

The best thing you can do is ask yourself what is it about her that attracts you to her, and her to you?

Personally, it is a rare person that can "fix" themselves alone, many people push it away and don't deal with it, and it comes out in other ways.

Has she had any therapy to work through her issues after being abused?

MummieHunnie,

It happened around 15 years ago, and as far as I'm aware, she's not had any therapy. She has a close friend who I know she's discussed this with.

As for what attracts me, well she's funny and smart and beautiful.

Don't stop telling her that then! It might be an idea to talk to the close friend and see if she can persuade her to see a counsellor. She may not have felt she needed to go before because there was no reason to, but now you are a reason.

As a survivor myself who is now happily married I know that it would have taken a huge amount or trust and courage for her to confide in you. The best thing you can do is take things at her pace and like the others say see her as a survivor not a victim. I rarely think about my own experiences now and over the years I have refused to let them into my current life. Other than the occasional flash backs or nightmares they don't intrude. My husband has always respected my right not to talk about my past experiences except when I feel comfortable doing so. I have never had therapy but have found comfort in the support of my loving family and partner. My abuser was a stranger so my circumstances are slightly different. It feels weird talking about it now as i haven't thought about it for so long but i was touched by your thoughtfulness and it would be nice to think that you and your friend can be happy.

not sure its a good idea to go behind her back talking to her friend though

I'm a victim/survivor myself.

Men have made me feel safe by: being ready to stop at any instant.

When an ex of mine stopped and held me and let me cry for five minutes and then tried to 'warm me up again' I left and never returned.

I'll be a bit more reassuring, though, since I have a healthy and loving relationship with my current partner, and I have never felt scared with him. It is possible.