Third attempt at moving house and I feel like I'm destroying my marriage. Should we continue or pull out?
I know I'm going to sound awful in this post, and I know a lot of what has happened is because of me.
I'm in my mid-40s, married, with children, and my husband and I earn around £140k between us. We currently have a mortgage that will be paid off in about three years if we stay where we are.
We're now in the process of buying a house that would leave us with roughly a £300k mortgage (around £140k fixed at 4.67% and £160k on a tracker).
The house we're buying is objectively a good house. Bigger than our current one, private garden, gated drive, double garage, closer to work, near a station, and in a lovely area.
The problem is that this isn't just about this house.
It's about a year of me spiralling over house moves.
Attempt 1
The first house was right at the very top of our budget. Looking back it was probably a stupid stretch, but at the time we convinced ourselves we could make it work.
It also needed around £40k of work including a new kitchen and bathroom.
Then the survey came back and showed substantially more issues than we'd anticipated.
I became increasingly distressed because I knew the sellers were emotionally invested and I hated the idea of pulling out. I worried constantly about letting people down.
Eventually we walked away.
Attempt 2
We then found another house just around the corner from where we live now and initially we were incredibly excited.
But once again there were significant refurb costs. The survey identified concerns regarding a large tree near the property and I became increasingly anxious.
Again we pulled out.
Looking back, I genuinely think my anxiety heavily influenced the decision. My husband agreed with walking away, but I know my behaviour and distress were major factors. I don't think he was making decisions completely independently of me.
Attempt 3 (current house)
This house should be the one.
The survey was clear.
The valuation only came in slightly below our offer.
The seller refused to negotiate, but the gap wasn't huge.
There are no major red flags.
There is no obvious reason not to proceed.
And yet I cannot stop thinking about other houses.
One in particular, which I'll call "The Avenue."
We viewed it and chose this house instead. At the time I genuinely thought we were making the right decision. This house is larger, quieter, more rural, has more outside space and better suits what we said we wanted.
Yet now I spend hours comparing them.
Some days I convince myself The Avenue was the better lifestyle choice.
Other days I convince myself it would have appreciated faster.
Then I start thinking about House 2.
Then I start analysing all of them financially.
Then I start wondering whether we should stay put entirely and become mortgage-free in three years instead.
The financial side is a huge part of this.
If we stay where we are, we're mortgage-free soon.
If we move, we're taking on another fifteen years or so of debt.
I keep obsessing over which decision makes us the most money over 10, 15 or 20 years.
I have built endless spreadsheets.
Compared appreciation rates.
Looked at forecasts.
Calculated opportunity costs.
Compared mortgage scenarios.
Gone through sold prices.
Repeated the same calculations over and over.
The thing is, I don't think I'm searching for information anymore.
I think I'm searching for certainty.
And I can't find it.
The impact on my mental health has become quite alarming.
I'm barely sleeping.
I've lost weight.
I can't focus properly at work.
I can't focus on my family.
At 4am recently I was so desperate to understand why my brain works this way that I called a private clinic to enquire about an ADHD assessment.
My husband and I are struggling badly because of all of this.
Every conversation seems to come back to houses.
Every decision seems to come back to houses.
He's exhausted.
I'm exhausted.
And yet I can't seem to stop.
The truly frustrating thing is that after my second failed move I went through counselling and CBT.
I genuinely believed I had made progress.
I genuinely believed I was approaching this move in a healthier way.
Instead I seem to have fallen into exactly the same cycle again.
A bit more context, not as excuses but because it's relevant.
When I bought a flat years ago and overpaid significantly, I was in the depths of anorexia.
When we bought our current home, I was dealing with postnatal anxiety, a job I hated, profound loneliness and an older child who was unwell.
I always hoped those circumstances partly explained some of my previous decision-making.
That's why this current situation scares me so much. I thought I was better.
What I don't know anymore is whether this is actually a housing problem or an anxiety problem.
If there were major defects with the house I could understand my doubts.
If we couldn't afford it I could understand my doubts.
If the survey was terrible I could understand my doubts.
But none of those things are true.
Instead I seem trapped between:
- Fear of proceeding and regretting it.
- Fear of pulling out and regretting it.
- Fear of spending too much.
- Fear of missing out on a better option.
- Fear of making a financial mistake.
- Fear that my anxiety is making me incapable of making any major decision.
I'm also starting to recognise that while my husband doesn't stop me spiralling, the behaviour is ultimately mine. He can't control my anxiety and I know it's unfair to expect him to.
So my question is:
Would you proceed with this purchase if you were in our position?
And if you've experienced obsessive rumination, anxiety, ADHD, decision paralysis or similar, does this sound like someone identifying a real problem, or someone who has become completely trapped by the need to make the "perfect" decision?
Because right now I genuinely can't tell the difference anymore.