Moving my mum in

[CactusFred]

My mum is getting on a bit (73) and has been widowed for 12 years so is lonely and a bit depressed. She's considering selling up and moving nearer to me.

I'm happy for this and am considering suggesting we all join forces - me and hub (he'd be happy for this) and mum to buy a bigger place. She won't be lonely, she can spend more time with her only grandchild etc.

I'm just worried that my sister will think I am trying to diddle her out of her 'share' of mum's estate by having all her money in the house. I don't want to fall out with my sister over money.

What would you do?

I would try to get a house with a separate annex. Your mother would be close but, have her own space. Speak to your sister about this, she might not be bothered. If you have some money leftover, perhaps you can bung her a few bob.

You need to talk openly about various possibilities from the start.
If your Mum is dividing her estate between the 2 of you, how would she want to be fair to both of you if you and she invested in property together.
What would happen if she needed care later?
What if she met someone else later in life?
etc., etc
Be frank and open before making other commitments and possibly building resentment.
Perhaps also consider other possibilities like her buying close to you.

How would the larger property be owned?
Is there a mortgage?
Who is paying it off?
How does your mum's will work?
Could the state force you to sell to pay for care?
Could your sister force you to sell if she inherited your mum's portion of the property?
Can you afford to buy her out?

From the older person, grandparent perspective:
We have moved nearer to one son, walking distance, and a couple of miles from other son. If one of us was left we have a manageable house, but independence.

I would not move into a shared house with either son, although I dearly love them and their families. There are quite a few practical difficulties that could occur:- Finding the right property, making any alterations, division of inheritance, personal emotions etc.

Family plans and dynamics can change dramatically in a short time, such a huge lifestyle commitment need very careful thought.

There is a lot more to think about than inheritance issues. What would happen if your Mum becomes ill, either physically or mentally ill with dementia?

My Uncle has early onset dementia, he is in his 50's. They have a live in carer because he can't even remember to make himself a cup of tea during the day. My Aunt works to pay the mortgage etc and they have teenage children.

Your children may suffer by watching a beloved Grandparent deteriorate before their eyes. We have a friend who wished his Grandad had never moved into his house. He remembers his Mum arguing with his Grandad that they needed to change his pants because he had soiled himself. The smell was unforgettable and because of his Grandad's dementia he argued he was perfectly fine.

I am not saying this will happen but it could.

For me, I would want a separate area of the house for a parent. Their space and my space. It is important to be able to separate the two rather than just a bigger house with an extra bedroom.

OK thanks folks, lots to think about there. It's a minefield! :-)

I would look for a small 1 bed flat in a 10 min walk of your house.

If you do decide on annex there is also council tax to think about

IIRC you get a reduction but it depends what she has and you have cos it could also mean it has to be paid for band A in her section while Band E for yours iyswim