Reception class. Nervous/quiet DS not got any of his friends with him. Should I say anything to the school?

[GigglyWrinkles]

Hello

I'm a real novice at the school stuff. But today we had a school meeting for parents and children where they were allocated teachers / classes for Sept. My DS who is very quiet and withdrawn has just made friends with one boy and one other he plays with. Neither are in his class. I don't want to rock the boat but anyone he plays with is all in the other class. The children in his class are all very nice but he doesn't ever play with them or seem to have anything in common with them.

My DH is all for wading in and finger-wagging at the staff. I'm less inclined to do so. What should I do?

My son was like this. Within a few weeks of starting, he had a lovely group of similar friends (also quiet and shy), and his confidence levels went through the roof. I remember watching him at nursery standing behind a tree while the other "scary boys" played What's the time Mr Wolf? (he told me later he was frightened of the wolves...). A year later, and he's like a different child - still quiet at times, and certainly not one of the "naughty ones", but around his friends he's brilliantly lively and bubbly.

Does your DS know? If so, what has he said?

There's no harm in mentioning it but be prepared for them not to move him. If you don't ask you don't get!

Are the children in a nursery attached to this school? If so, the teachers would have probably considered which friendships are "beneficial". Sometimes, children who like eachother do not learn well together etc.

There are months of summer holidays and that's a long time in the life of a 4yo so I would be inclined not to wade in at this stage - parents need to work with the school if poss. To move your child might mean moving someone else's child as well so not simple?

He'll make friends within the first few weeks I wouldn't worry

loads of kids won't know anyone

Slightly different as he's been at a school with a feeder nursery. So everyone knows eachother. Just the classes.

I know moving children around isn't simple, but feel that the bossy parents and outgoing children have had their say and I evidently haven't.

Doesn't help that DH has just been shouting at me either about it all. Feeling a bit frazzled thats all.

DD started school this term. She was really excited about starting as it meant she would be able to play with her best friend from nursery school, who had started school after Christmas. But once she started she actually ended up playing mostly with another little girl who she didn't know before starting!

Friendship groups are very fluid at this age, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

It can't hurt to ask I think? I don't really know as we are at a school with a feeder nursery that currently only has one Reception class (two next year) so ds was in with his friends and it honestly didn't seem to make it any easier for him to settle in. He has but it was still a bit of a journey for him.

Had I been in your sitaution I definitely would have asked if he could be switched over with someone else, I wouldn't take a finger-wagging approach though.

Does the primary school have a buddy system? I think the best thing for my ds was pairing him with a lovely year 6 boy who looked after him at lunchtime and in the playground. I assume the school's doing a home visit so you could always ask then as well?

I think it will be helpful to you to talk to your DS's new teacher at the beginning of term and let them know that your DS is shy etc and she will try and help him with that - encourage other children to interact with him etc. That is a far more productive course of action than to try and change classes now, which is unlikely to benefit your DS in any way (on the grounds that who is in which class is largely irrelevant as children are so young and friendships change all the time). This may placate your DH if he thinks you have been "passive" or whatever. If everyone knows everyone, the teachers will have considered what is best for the children - trust them, I don't think there is any need to question them at this stage. Try not to worry, just focus on making a good relationship with the new teacher and perhaps arrange to play/meet somewhere with some of the kids who will be in his class.

I had this same issue last year. at the parents orientation evening we were each given a letter with the teacher name and class number and were invited to the classroom after the meeting to meet the teacher. 90 intake, 3 classes of 30. I trundled along expected to see familiar faces and there was only 1 child from ds's nursery class in his class. I was surprised his nursery class was 40 and I thought they'd be shared equally really. In his nursery class he only had 1 or 2 close friends and I had hoped he'd be with them in reception.

I was really concerned. I mentioned it to his nursery class teacher and she understood my concerns particularly because he's not super social child and more task orientated. He would easily not even hear another child trying to play with him if he was engrossed in a task. She knew DS better than I did in a school environment and assured me he'd be fine.

He was he quickly made friends with other likeminded children and really thrived. He enjoys seeing his old nursery friends at playtime and lunchtime.

He just proved to me that he was more adaptable than I thought.

At our school, the nursery make recommendations of groups of children they think work well together. This means that friendship groups they do not see as beneficial are split up. It could be that they think your son will thrive better if he has to make new friends.

this happened to DS2. he was inseperable from 2 other boys in nursery but they were split up, one per class, in reception and he didn't
T have any of his friends with him at all. Like you,
I was preeoared to wade in and complain but
I saw sense and didn't. They all found new friends and it all worked out for the best I think.

Remember that the school has been allocating children to classes for a long time and probably have a good idea what they're doing.

personally, I don't think you have any nance of getting them to switch him into a different class. They can't be shifting children about on the whims of over protective parents (and i say this as someone who wanted to complain about the same thing )

I don't want to seem unsympathetic, but how on earth can you know that your 4 yr old has "nothing in common" with these other chidren? Surely being 4 is enough in common...

I really don't think you should worry - it will be a new environment for all of the children, really, and there's a lot to be said for building a big circle of friends at that age, rather than staying with the same bunch. He can always seek out his old nursery buddies at playtime.

I think I am being a bit overprotective. I've had overnight to think about it and have deceided that I'm going to leave it as is. The comment made by caffinated seems to sum up my own situation, so I've taken greta heart from all your contributions.

Thanks everyone. Sometimes Mumsnet is fab for this very reason.

I got up in the muddle of the night and composed a letter to the head. I saw sense by morning and didn't send it!

I asked to move dd1 to the parallel reception class last year. She knew a couple of people vaguely in that class and no one at all in the one she'd been allocated

They said yes immediately,just ring and ask