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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DD1 started reception this week FT and doesn't seem to be enjoying it....

15 replies

Lisa229 · 10/09/2008 14:03

She went 3 afternoons last week and was fine, but now they have started her 9-3pm, she seems really anxious and on the verge of tears each morning. Monday, she told me she didn't want to go but got there and was fine. But then she fell over at playtime and wet herself but didn't tell a teacher so was in wet pants all afternoon. Yesterday, said she didn't want to stay for lunch and cried a bit in the class and today was tearful when I left her with the childminder. The teacher says she is doing fine but how can I help her be less anxious. She only knows 1 little girl who is friendly towards her but already has a close friend so i am not sure she is playing with anyone.

When I ask her what she has been doing, she doesn't say very much and when I ask who she has been playing with, she says she doesn't know there names. Is it too early to invite one of them over for a playdate and as she doesn't seem to play with anyone in particular, it's difficult to know who to ask. She only turned 4 in July so is one fo the younger ones and has always been a bit shy. I say hello to a few mums but I wouldn't say anyone is that friendly yet or is that just because they are like me in not knowing anyone? Any advice, tips please. It breaks my heart to think she is not enjoying it......

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WideWebWitch · 10/09/2008 14:06

Oh poor thing. Go and talk to the teacher and explain how your dd is feeling and ask what she'd suggest. Tell her she can tell her teacher about things like wetting herself and the teacher will help her. I do think it's very hard for them at first.

Neither of mine tell me anything about who they've been playing with btw and I don't think it means they're alone, it means in my case they can't be bothered to tell me about it! I would leave a playdate for a while but ONLY because they're so knackered this first term that I think it's an idea to let them settle in and get used to going first. Then you could ask who she'd like to invite to tea.

imaginaryfriend · 10/09/2008 14:20

I agree with WWW, go and chat to the teacher, especially tell her about the wetting herself and not telling anyone.

My dd has just gone into Y1 and in YR was dreadful about having to tell the teacher something, she just wouldn't do it, even one day when she was ill with a raging fever when I picked her up, she hadn't said a word . When I told the teacher she kept a closer eye on her for me.

Having said that, it does get easier, it's a hard transition into a full-time school day, one which my dd even now struggles with. She often says to me 'it's too long' and she adored being home during the holidays. But they're very adaptable. Stick with it and speak positively to her about how good it is to be learning and growing up etc. and don't show your own anxieties for her if you can.

imaginaryfriend · 10/09/2008 14:21

Also, the not telling you stuff is so classic. It's a combination of can't-be-bothered but also can't-remember. I got so sick of asking dd what she had for lunch and her saying she couldn't remember that we invented 'can't-remember-custard' as her meal of the day!

Original poster

Lisa229 · 10/09/2008 15:40

thanks for your kind words, I did tell the teacher the next morning and she said she knew someone had wet themselves but obviously couldn't ask and that she would keep an eye on her. What with cutting her knee, I just really felt for her and probably did show my anxieties which didn't help matters.

I am probably thinking the worse, but I just think of her not talking to anyone all day and playing by herself, poor thing

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smartiejake · 10/09/2008 15:44

Poor little thing.

FUll time formal school and she's only just 4.

Makes me SOOOOO

onwardandupward · 10/09/2008 19:25

Does she have to go? I mean, do you work FT? Because you'd be completely within your legal rights to send her for just mornings or not at all until the term after she turns 5. The school might not like it (not because of whether it would be the right thing for your child or not, but because of their attendance figures then looking bad for OFSTED), but I don't think there's anything they can do to stop you doing that if you choose - someone will correct me fast if I'm wrong, I'm sure

But remember that children in this country do not have to be in full-time education at school or otherwise until the term after they become 5. That's another year away for your child. If it's not suiting her, she doesn't have to be there.

lljkk · 10/09/2008 19:27

It;s hard tho', if they delay school start there are disadvantages, too.

Cloudhopper · 10/09/2008 19:38

Poor you. All I can say is that although it sounds dreadful for her, it is a real bonus that she has told you about it. At least you can now talk to the teacher and try to help. Even though my dd has been at nursery almost her whole life so far, I still felt very anxious about school.

All I can say to offer reassurance is that it is so so hard to watch them not always being happy, but maybe good that they experience ups and downs. dd1 went through an awful stage at one nursery where she was being bullied. This culminated in her being in the midst of a group of children who pulled her pants down, chanting.

Bizarre though it sounds, when the situation was resolved it turned into a positive, and I think she actually benefited from the whole experience of tackling a bad situation with help. She ended up with lots of friends and bags of confidence which was something I could never have predicted at the time.

Hope this helps, really I just want to hug you both and it to be OK

Original poster

Lisa229 · 12/09/2008 11:47

Just an update which isn't a happy one , has got more upset each day that she has gone and today, she started crying at home and saying to didn't want to go. I asked her why and said is it because you don't really know anyone and she said yes. The she said she wanted to wear normal clothese like me and DD2 and she didn't like the colour. I just carried on trying to be positive then endd up saying 'Well I'm sorry but you have to go'. Dropped her off at the childminder, who called me this morning to say she was tearful going in and that when she went in it didn't look like anyone was helping her.

I called and spoke to the teacher and she said she has been doing ok but having a few wobblies throughout the day. She has been staying around one of the TA and a couple of the other kids who have also been a bit tearful. I am going to try and find out who the parents are and ask them to come and play.

I have been crying all day thinking about her being there, cried when I spoke to my DH, my childminder and the teacher . I know it will get better but she's such a sensitive quiet little soul but I can't help by worry that more attention will be given to the kids that are louder and she will just get lost in the background (class of 29)........

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onwardandupward · 12/09/2008 14:40

Couldn't she be with the childminder FT? If you have to work, she could do that legally for another year yet before trying school again.

Zazette · 12/09/2008 14:54

Thing is onwardandupward, the little girl would then have to join a year 1 class full of children who had known each other for a year, formed relationships, got used to how the school works etc - being the only one starting from scratch would be really hard.

littlestrawberry · 12/09/2008 16:04

Oh poor thing. And poor you having to cope with it. It is hard on them, some find it harder than others. My understanding is they don't have to be full-time until the term they are 5. The only problem with this is as with the delaying starting school, if all the others are fulltime she may find it harder when she does go full day IYSWIM.

I'm worried that I will go through the same with DS2. He was 4 in July and starts next week, part-time for the first week only. Again he is a shy child but more confident with adults than children his own age so I'm hoping he will be able to communicate his needs to his teacher ok.

And to reassure you about her not geting enough attention, DS1 started last year, also very quiet and sensitive and his teacher was fab with him. She told me at parents evening at half term she'd had concerns about how timid he was, she had already spoken to his playgroup teacher who had told her he is basically quiet and she spent a long time trying to build his confidence. He's still quite quiet and not the most sociable of children but academically he is thriving. And he's happy at school.

I guess you are going to have to stick with it. Try and be positive about school when you are talking to your daughter and just keep reinforcing school can be fun. I'm sure it will get easier.

onwardandupward · 12/09/2008 17:33

you're right Zazette. It's a question of whether it's best to do whatever the parents can to make sure the child can be happy now, or whether it's best to stick at something child is patently unhappy with in the belief that child will be happier in the long run.

Me, I tend to opt for being happy now, since noone can tell what the future will bring, and especially because children live so much in the present that next weekend is still far away, let alone Christmas.

But of course the OP may prefer reassurance that by pushing on through this bad bit her child will eventually get to a happier place.

kbaby · 14/09/2008 21:30

Im going to take a different route to the other threads but could you perhaps ask your DD why she isnt playing with anyone. My DD started reception last week too and is also struggling as she didnt have anyone to play with. I suggested that if she likes the look of a game some children are playing that sh politely approaches them and asks if she can join in. I know she has done this a few times as she has told me she asked so and so if she can play with them.

The other thing we do is at bedtime I ask her what her best part of the day was. Sometimes its something we did but other times she mentions school and then it gives me the oppitunity to ask about it.
It is horrible to think that your child is lonely but tell the teacher and they will kep an eye out for someone who your daugher appears interested in and then may pair them up at activities and encourage a friendship.

Original poster

Lisa229 · 15/09/2008 12:55

Thank you for your reassurrance, it's glad to know I'm not alone. Most of my friends kids are only going mornings at the moment and they have all been fine so I have felt a little alone in this situation.

She talked about school bits and bobs over the weekend and went off this morning to school fine. I think I have just got to be less anxious and stay positive because as you say she will pick up on it. I am off work after today so I will make sure I speak to the teacher about who she is playing with and see if I can arrange some playdates.

She was very timid at nursery but really loved going and I do believe she is enjoying school a bit, it is just the whole new situation which is slightly overwhelming for her (and me!) And I'm glad I spoke to the teacher as she will hopefully keep an eye on her.

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