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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

What support/advice to give to 7 year old who is experiencing exclusion from peer group for the first time at school?

9 replies

eekamoose · 11/07/2008 21:26

In the past couple of days my DD has revealed that a particular girl at school (who she has always been good friends with) doesn't want to sit next to her but, from what I can gather, is happy to sit near or play with other friends from their previously close group.

DD is affronted because apparently they have a "rule" that if someone asks to play, you aren't allowed to say no. She says she would never tell the teacher about this breach of the rules and I believe her.

She isn't half as fussed as me about the situation, but I am trying to find a way to make her understand that she needs to stop asking this particular girl to sit next to her or play with her.

Without making a big thing of it.

Or am I being over-protective and hovering too much? Should she just blunder on and make her own mistakes?

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Original poster

eekamoose · 11/07/2008 21:35

Hopeful bump. Sure others have been through similar?

OP posts:

Original poster

eekamoose · 11/07/2008 21:58

Only DD then ?

OP posts:

cornsilk · 11/07/2008 22:02

Has she still got friends to play with? If she has I would leave it - these things generally sort themselves out.

dexter73 · 12/07/2008 15:50

My dd had this trouble with a girl in her class excluding her when she was in yr 4. I told her to find other girls to play with and eventually that is what she did.
Now she is in yr 6 and is best friends with the girl so I am very glad I didn't get too involved as now she can't even remember that the girl used to be so horrible to her!

Cammelia · 12/07/2008 15:59

eekamoose, my dd has been through this, it seems to be very common in Yr2. I wonder if certain girls get a sense of their own "power" and act it out towards the kinder girls.

The only advice I can offer is to remain as uninvolved re the other child as possible and boost your own dd. Invite other girls to play etc.

Original poster

eekamoose · 13/07/2008 18:49

Cornsilk, dexter and cammelia: if you come back to this thread, I just wanted to say thanks for replying. Had a busy weekend and not been online.

Its causing me sleepless nights but I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill and constantly question DD about it all.

Comforting to know that others have been through similar so thank you for your posts .

OP posts:

maidamess · 13/07/2008 18:54

I work in a Year 2 class and this happens a lot.
If it is making your child miserable I think its worth mentioning it in passing to the teacher.
She can then give a general'lets all play nicely because it makes you feel sad to be left out' speech.

We had 'cool cats' in out class where children who had been particularly kind or including got nominated by their friends or playground staff and got a little 'I'm a cool cat' certificate.
Suddenly everyone was including everyone in their games!

smartiejake · 13/07/2008 19:01

Oh Lord- The number of times I have had this situation with dd1 (Now 12) through the past 6 years (since she was in year 2)

Girls are horrid sometimes and IME happens to the nicer ones who can be a bit of a push over in the eyes of a more dominant character.

It's so upsetting when it happens but like dexter73 I encouraged her to make a wider circle of friends and now one of the girls who was just horrid to her in year 3 and 4 is one of her best friends and actually has grown into one of the nicest girls I know.

DD also now has a huge cirle of friends from her old school, new school, dancing etc and has become more able at being able to deal with these sorts of nasties. You will I'm afraid have to learn not to let it upset you too much. Try to back off a bit if you can especially if it's not really bothering her. If she senses that you feel it's a probem it might start to worry her more than it needs to.

SofiaAmes · 13/07/2008 19:09

Saw quite a bit of this last year with the girls in ds' class. They were using ds (unbeknownst to him) as a pawn in their wars. So the parents of two of the girls came to complain to me that ds was pitting their daughters against each other. Poor thing had no idea what was going on. I spoke to both of the girls' parents, made them speak to each other and their daughters and to the teacher. The teacher created a separate special play group that both girls were in (ds, politely (and wisely) declined the invitation). Things resolved themselves within a few days. And then started up again a few weeks later (minus ds as a pawn). And then resolved themselves again. And then started up a few weeks after that. And then resolved themselves again.......
Get the picture. It will happen.
But I do think it's important to remind your dd that it's not nice or ok and maybe give her some tools to deal with it. Like your suggestion of not asking this girl to play for awhile. Chances are that your dd will probably do the same to some other girl at some point, and it's good for you to be able to say to her..."remember when X did that to you and it hurt your feelings."

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