DD6 (Y2) struggling with friendships and exclusion

[MildlyOvercaffeinated]

DD6 is in Y2 and I’m becoming increasingly worried about her friendships and how lonely she’s feeling at school.

Since Reception there’s been a child who’s repeatedly been unkind to her. We’ve spoken to teachers over the years and things improve for a bit before starting again. More recently she’s been telling me about unkindness from more and more children and this morning I witnessed some of it myself. I called it out and spoke to the teacher who took it seriously.

She also has a very on/off friendship with a girl she considers her ‘bestie’. When they’re friends DD is on top of the world, but then this girl will suddenly drop her or be quite mean to her, seemingly influenced by other children.

DD isn’t shy or timid. She’s always been confident, energetic and outgoing but I feel like I’ve watched her slowly shrink at school. She’s keen to please adults and follow rules so I think she hides how much she’s struggling. Teachers previously thought she was happy reading alone but she’s since told us it was because she had nobody to play with.

She also had a friend in Y6 last year who used to look out for her. I hadn’t realised how important that friendship was until the girl left for secondary school. DD talks about her a lot, how she misses her and how much worse school feels without her.

We’re speaking to school about the repeated unkindness, but I also want to help her build some positive friendships. I’m planning to ask the teacher if there are children she might get along with who we could arrange playdates with or whether school offers any friendship groups or buddy systems.

Outside school we don’t have many children her age in our circle. She does swimming but it’s very instructor-led, as have been most of her other activities, so there’s little opportunity to actually get to know other children. She’s on the waiting list for Rainbows but the list is very long in our area.

I’m genuinely upset that she’s feeling this way and want to help her, but I’m not sure what the best approach is.

Has anyone been through similar? What actually helped, either through school or outside it? And did things improve for your DC as they got older?

Thank you

(NC for DD’s privacy)

Do you ever invite friends around for play dates? Nothing solidifies a friendship more than a 1-2-1 play date

Yes we’ve done playdates here and there with a few girls from her class but nothing particularly regular. Between working parents, siblings (we also have a toddler) and everyone being busy, it’s not always easy to arrange. We’re hoping to organise a couple over half term thoug and I’m going to ask the teacher if there are any children she seems to particularly get along with who we could encourage friendships with.

Have you posted before about this? You can only do play dates on the weekend? Two best friends sidelining her? Rings a bell

No this is my first post about this. I can do weekday playdates, not sure where weekends only came from. Other parents work full time so it can be difficult to arrange with them. I actually don’t work FT and have quite a bit of flexibility. A number of kids do after school club. She tried it before but some of the unkind kids were there too and she didn’t want to go any more.

Also it’s only one friend sidelining her, not 2.

So no, not my post. But do you have a link to that post? Might have useful suggestions if the issues are similar. I’ll look it up.

Gosh that's hard for you and I'm sorry for your DD. There are so many bloody things that can make it hard for children to form friendships; I am going to list some traits of children who've had relationship issues in schools I've worked at, and you can see if any resonate (*most common):

*Inflexible and stubborn/ 'bossy'
*Cry easily/ explode (this becomes 'entertainment', especially for children with low self esteem)
*Sulk easily
*Tell tales on others a lot/ try to find fault in others
Often only children
Trauma in childhood/ seek affirmation and can't shrug off small setbacks
Sadly, physically different or less conventionally attractive
Show off/ gloat
Overly meek or compliant/ eager to please
*Gloomy, angry or negative

Traits of popular children:

Self confident
Cooperative
Admired for brains, skills, looks or a combo
Kind and fair
Stable home lives
Gracious and not boastful
Happy and positive

Brutal I'm afraid. Hopefully there'll be something you can work with her on and her treatment is not due to something she can do nothing about, but she will find her people as she grows up.

OP, it is horrible as a parent to think your child is unhappy at school due to not having particular friendships but Year 2 is very young for the sort of 'bestie' relationships adults expect. They are all learning how to make and keep friendships and it is a key life skill that reoccurs throughout school life and into adulthood.

Your post talks about the behaviour of others but the best starting point is with your DC joining in with other kids, if she wishes. Friendships form fast in Year 2 and games at playtime are pretty open ended.

However, what you can't do at any age is to pick a particular child and decide to play with them. Children who make friends easily usually have plenty of practice and aren't too easily offended/resilient.

Might you reframe this with your DC? Rather than viewing other children as 'unkind' (which they might be, they are all still learning) encourage her to seek out people who are kind, don't seem to be playing with anyone else or just to join a game. Your DC would benefit from some 'coaching' from you to make more friendships. Don't talk about 'best friends'. I'd ban the phrase in primary schools if I could. Talk about finding someone you enjoy playing with, even if it is just for that one playtime.

School staff can help a bit here but we can't make a particular child play with yours, and it won't be what your DC needs anyway. I am not saying this is true in your case but I have witnessed many children saying the things you are hearing to an eager and worried parent whilst actually playing with plenty of children at school. The parent is primed to hear what went wrong so the child provides it. It isn't necessarily untrue but can lead to both parent and child dwelling on what they consider unkindness but is really just children practicing their social skills.

At this point in Year 2 they are all not very good at it and the school playground is the perfect place to practice. Try to be forgiving of the slights against your child-the 'unkind' kid just isn't very diplomatic yet. Friendships change really quickly- be positive about the motivations of other children when talking to your DC. What you say is what your DC will say to herself now and in years to come. Encourage her to ignore minor slights and approach someone else.

Extra chances to socialise with other kids will be really useful. Do school do some clubs? Can you offer another classmate a lift home? Lots of friendships are situational at this age. Who else doesn't seem to have a huge circle in DCs class? Might they like to come home with you after school?

I know your child being upset is THE hardest thing to hear about but consider your own reaction. It is a bit like when they fall over. If you are calm and positive, they take their cue from you. If you panic, so do they. This does involve a bit of pretending. Some children have said some things to my child over the years that I haven't much liked (an understatement) but I try to keep that to myself and remember they are just kids rather than share that perspective. It doesn't help to add your maternal outrage sometimes. I do advise playing with someone else if you don't like how you're feeling with a friend or a game but I do make it explicit that you can't change anyone else's behaviour, only your own.

It is hard, OP. We want our kids to be happy. Learning how to make play with people who want to play with us is what will fix this. Nudge her in that direction I reckon she'll be fine. Also be ready to do the pretending bit when someone who was really mean is suddenly their new found soul mate. It's a rollercoaster alright. Good luck.

@AtomHeartMotherOfGod Thank you, I think there’s actually something really useful in what you’ve said.

DD is a lovely, kind child who’s very keen to make friends but she’s also very emotional and can struggle with disappointment and things not going her way. Thinking about it, I can see how that might sometimes make friendships difficult and it’s something we can work on with her.

I suppose I’m trying to find the balance between helping her develop those skills and not making her feel she needs to change who she is to be liked. I completely understand that not every child will want to be her friend but equally I don’t think that excuses repeated unkindness.

You’ve definitely given me something to think about, so thank you.

I love @Bigtrapeze's answer! So much better than my clumsy list and so true.

It reminded me that it's very common for young children to say they 'don't like' someone, or that they 'aren't their BFF' anymore, when actually they just need space or time alone. It's the same as all foods being 'spicy' when that can mean they are spicy, salty or acidic. Part of the social skills learning process Bigtrapeze mentions.

@Bigtrapeze Thank you, there’s some really useful advice here and I do agree with much of what you’re saying.

I think perhaps I’ve been a bit too soft in describing things as ‘unkindness’. We’re not talking about children simply being undiplomatic or not wanting to play with DD. There’s been name calling, pushing off playground equipment (for which Ive received first aid reports), spitting and repeated teasing. This morning I witnessed a group of children laughing at her and continuing even after I intervened.

We’ve actually given the children involved a lot of grace over these years, partly because we know they’re young and still learning and partly because we’re conscious that we’re usually only hearing DD’s side. But the incidents are becoming harder to dismiss as ordinary friendship difficulties.

I completely agree that we can’t and shouldn’t force friendships and I’ll be working on helping DD navigate friendships and manage difficult interactions. We have done in the past but perhaps need to do more here.

What I’m hoping school might help with is identifying children she naturally gets along with (that we don’t see or hear about) and creating more opportunities for those friendships to develop. We can then perhaps encourage those connections through playdates outside school.

I also agree about not projecting our own feelings onto DD. We try very hard to be measured in how we respond, even when we’re upset ourselves. My default response nowadays is often ‘Oh dear, that sounds a bit rubbish’ whilst controlling my face 😅

I appreciate your perspective and will definitely take some of your suggestions on board.

Do you know why they were laughing? This sounds odd to me and is worth some further investigation. This isn't common place in my experience of Year 2.

Spitting and pushing off playground equipment will be dealt with in school I would imagine, and is less about friendship and more about acceptable behaviour from the pusher/spitter. Children do both of these things to each other but generally less so by Year 2, and it isn't usually personal. In my experience, usually children who push and spit do this to a wide range of their classmates. Often it is the pusher and spitter who struggles with friends not their victims, if you see what I mean. This behaviour should always be reported to staff at the time. In our playground I'd have half the year group over to report spitting.

I think if a parent asked me to recommend a child their DC might get along with I would avoid the question, if I'm honest. It would feel like discussing somebody else's child and that's not in our gift as teachers. I'd be wary, rightly or wrongly. I am not sure the teacher would know as much about this as your DC. My guess would be that if you're not hearing about it from school, they think she gets along with everyone just fine and don't see it as a problem.

My DC expanded her friendship group dramatically by the end of Year 2 and by Year 3, had a totally different gang of school mates. She changed again at the end of Year 6 and there have been some changes along the way to Year 10, but some friendships have persisted and she also has friends from music and sports clubs. If the Rainbows don't have space, have you considered Beavers? My DD did Cubs and Scouts and is now a Beavers young leader. It was really good for her in so many ways and being boys and girls has definitely been a benefit and she now's has friends who are boys and girls.

My DD did have a friend in Year 2 with some less than nice behaviours, aimed at my daughter and others and I was quite grateful in the end because DD and I had many a useful conversation about why you wouldn't behave like that yourself. That one was only capable of having one friend at a time and it often wasn't my DD, who largely shrugged it off and played by herself whilst ignored. In the end, she stopped wanting her to come for play dates and would only go to her house if it was just the two of them. They're not friends now.

I think you are absolutely doing everything you can and I am hoping that as the year goes on, things change. Is there a culture of whole class birthday parties? That can provide a chance to broaden your social network. I know different places do this differently and we never hosted a party for the whole class but DD went to plenty and it did seem to solidify some friendships, plus if you still have to stay, it can be a good chance to connect with other parents and lead to play dates.

I’d change schools if possible.

Is this the same children doing it repeatedly?

Stop calling it unkindness and start calling it bullying. Because it is.

If the school aren't dealing with it effectively then look up their complaints procedure (it should be on their website) and go through the steps to make a formal complaint.

You can do this alongside working on your DDs social skills and getting her into some clubs (woodcraft folk? Drama?) but don't put it all on her. The school need to deal with the bully kids.

I don’t know exactly what they were laughing about but DD’s name was mentioned followed by laughter and looking over at her. DD was visibly upset and when I intervened it stopped briefly before happening again. Whatever the joke was she clearly wasn’t in on it.

That’s an interesting point about asking teachers to suggest friendships. I was thinking more about whether they’ve noticed particular children DD gets along well with as they may see positive interactions I’m not hearing about at home.
She’s been to plenty of birthday parties and we’ve done playdates here and there, but unfortunately none have developed into more consistent friendships yet. She’s on the waiting list for Beavers as well as Rainbows so hopefully something will come of that.

It’s reassuring to hear how much your DD’s friendships changed over the years. I think that’s one of my biggest worries that these dynamics might become entrenched, so it’s lovely to hear they don’t necessarily stay that way. Thank you for sharing your experience.

To be fair the OP probably makes the school sound worse than it is because I’m focusing on this particular issue. It’s actually a very good school, DD is doing well academically, likes her teachers and there are lots of things she enjoys about it.

In fairness to the school, they’ve always taken concerns seriously and acted when we’ve raised them. I think we’ve all given a lot of grace over the years because the children were young and still learning how to navigate friendships.

I think we’re now at the point where we need a more consistent approach rather than treating each incident in isolation.

She’s also got new teachers this year who may not know the full history so I’d like to give them the opportunity to help before considering something as significant as moving schools.

I think you’re right that I’ve perhaps been too cautious about calling it bullying. We’ve given a lot of grace over the years because they’re young and still learning but it’s becoming harder to dismiss as ordinary friendship difficulties. Especially as one child in particular has been a recurring issue since Reception, although more recently other children seem to be getting involved too.

In fairness to the school, they have acted when we’ve raised concerns, but the problems keep resurfacing. We’re now looking at getting something more consistent in place rather than dealing with individual incidents as they happen.

And I completely agree about working on DD’s social skills alongside this. Both things can be true. Thank you.

To be fair the OP probably makes the school sound worse than it is because I’m focusing on this particular issue. It’s actually a very good school, DD is doing well academically, likes her teachers and there are lots of things she enjoys about it.

Really? Because what you describe is going on amongst 6 year olds is much more serious than typical year 2 silliness.

We’ve given a lot of grace over the years because they’re young and still learning

Your daughter is on 6. Are you saying she’s been bullied for years @MildlyOvercaffeinated ?

Something I noticed with my DS is that he tended to want to join in with the cool kids who looked like they were having lots of fun and often they were already engaged in a game and didn't want him to join. He had a lot more success making friends when he approached other children who were on the edge of things.
He was rather isolated in year 2, but made good friends with a new child in year 3 and had a small but happy friendship group by year 4. He's still friends with that child now even though they're in year 7 and different schools.
I'd be asking:

• Does the school have any interventions for children who are struggling socially? These are primarily for neurodivergent kids but often include neurotypical kids who just need a bit of support building friendships.
• Does the school have any nurture lunchtime groups?

Try using the word 'bullying' to the school and see if that changes things up. My DS's school had a whole different policy for bullying compared to playground scuffles, and bullying was taken a lot more seriously. I also think it's worth emailing the school, laying out that your daughter is unhappy and asking what interventions are available. It's not always obvious to the school which children are happily reading because they like books and which ones are sad and lonely and trying not to show it. IME, once you say to school that your child is actively unhappy, a good school will have support they can offer. My kids were offered a lunchtime nurture group, counseling and socially speaking. They were put to the top of the lists for extracurriculars, and in infants my son was allowed to spend lunchtime 'helping the caretaker' run errands. All these interventions lasted about a term, by which point it was clear they'd done their job and weren't needed any more. Both my kids enjoy school and have friends now.