Should I speak to the teachers ?

[Bella6761]

My daughter has just started Reception and I’m wondering if I’m overthinking this.

She has told me that there is a boy in her class who scares her. When I’ve asked her what he has done or said, she says he hasn’t actually said or done anything to her, so I’m not sure what she means by it. I’m wondering whether it would be reasonable to ask her teacher if they know what she might be referring to and whether they’ve noticed anything between them.

Also, today was her first time staying for lunch. When I picked her up, she told me she had been very upset at lunchtime and that a lunch lady took her outside on her own. However, her teacher’s feedback was that she had been absolutely fine.
I’m now wondering whether she actually was very upset and, if so, why was she taken outside alone? Or could she have misunderstood what happened? I don’t want to question the teacher in an accusatory way, I just want to understand what happened.

My worry is that if I keep asking questions or checking things, they’ll see me as an overprotective/annoying parent and, worse, start seeing my daughter as a “problem child” because of me and take a dislike to her. She already has separation anxiety and is finding the transition difficult, so I really don’t want to make things harder for her.

Would you ask the teacher about these things, or just leave it and trust that they’ll tell me if there’s an actual problem?

I am a teacher (and mum of 3). I would leave it a couple of weeks and see how she settles and if there are still issues then contact the school and ask. If they were worried they would contact you so it's probably just normal teething issues.

No teacher is going to hold it against you (as long as you are polite and not accusing) or treat your daughter any differently because of it.

Ex reception teacher here and I agree with the above poster it sounds like normal settling in/ getting used to new people/ routines so maybe give it a week or two and if you’re still concerned, ask for a quick word after school. ( Not in the morning as the teacher wants to focus on greeting and settling her class)
I never minded parents asking questions or raising issues as it’s perfectly understandable for parents to be a bit anxious at starting school too and if a quick word puts their mind at rest, that’s fine. However, bear in mind if every parent had a quick word every day in a class of 30, that’s a lot of ‘ quick words’ and there are often meetings to get to and always preparation to do at the end of the day. Hope your little one settles soon. It took my own DD a good half term and despite all my experience, it didn’t stop me worrying!

I would wait. Keep talking to her in a curious manner but with a sort of underlying expectation that things at school are OK, and she is OK. Don't fixate on or worry about events or things that she says, just be curious and interested in her experience. The How To Talk books are excellent for this kind of thing - they are good for how to validate feelings without inadvertantly making them worse or anything.

The "scary" boy might be absolutely anything - he might have been badly behaved or even just loud and boisterous and this worried her, he might have had a lunchbox with a picture of a dinosaur on it, he might have done absolutely nothing at all, he might just look a bit like a child at nursery that she didn't like. Young children of reception age can pick up on all kinds of things and decide they are "scary" just because they are unfamiliar. She is starting a new school, which is scary to anybody of any age. It's OK that she finds things scary and upsetting in this experience. Your job is not to ensure that nothing scary or upsetting ever happens, it's just to be a safe space to come back to to process it all. Likely, the boy will either continue to scare her (but the staff should ensure that she and other pupils are safe from any children with behaviour issues) or she will settle in a bit and realise he is not actually scary after all.

If things seem to be building up so that it is causing a problem e.g. she is showing stress behaviours at home like difficulty sleeping, or not seeming to want to go into school or e.g. not use the toilets there, then talk to the teacher. Otherwise, try to trust that they are broadly keeping an eye and making sure nothing awful happens but also that it is normal for the first few days/weeks to be a bit stressful as she gets used to things.

I wouldn’t worry about being taken out at lunchtime, staff are quite aware that children find the move to school unsettling and will be keeping an eye out. If there was anything out of the ordinary they’d tell you but if it doesn’t settle, I’d speak to them.

Don’t keep pressing her about why the boy was scary, it may be something and nothing, or she may have focussed on him because the environment is strange and she’s anxious. Keep reassuring her and give her time.

Thanks everyone, i think i wont mention these things then however DD has just made me aware that a child had crawled under the cubicle and peeked at her whilst she was using the toilet, so im not happy about this at all.

This is absolutely normal in Year R/1 - so don’t worry about it, or read anything into it. That said, it does need to be raised with the class teacher. I would also have a chat with your DD about the need to tell grown ups when these things happen, as it’s easier to deal with at the time.

Just a warning- most of us teachers genuinely want to listen to the children. But it is not uncommon for a child to psych themselves up to talk to us, and we tell them to come back in a minute. It could be because we’re dealing with a serious safeguarding issue, or telling X off for cutting Y’s hair, or just because we need to get the maths equipment set up. All of which matter, but it’s hard for the child who wants/needs to speak to us at that moment.

One of the things that is worth emphasising early on in school is that if something is worrying her, she can talk to any of the adults who aren't busy at that moment and can deal with it there and then. Doesn't have to be the teacher - can be the TA or lunch supervisor, for example.

If you are proactive at reminding her, it is so much easier to deal with something in the moment than something that has been left to fester (on all sides).

Developing that confidence is a massive thing and will help her throughout her school years (speaking from experience here).

I hadn't read this before I replied, but glad it's the same from a teacher's perspective. We have had some horrible issues with a child in DD's class, and have been working hard to emphasise this.

Please don’t be ‘that parent’ after not even two weeks. If there is a serious issue the tracher will seek you out. And you will probably have parents evening before Christmas to discuss anything you want (but let the teacher speak, don’t go with a big long list)

At pick up time I would be asking her what she has done that day that she enjoyed. That’s it. Sometimes parents (myself included) sow seeds in our DCs heads by asking them leading questions. One of the most leading questions I have heard some parents ask is ‘has anyone bullied you today’, closely followed by ‘has anyone upset you today’. Both of these questions might lead a child to come up with an answer that isn’t ‘no, I’ve had a lovely day’. They’re negative questions that subconsciously encourage a negative answer in the heads of little children.
Give your DD time to settle in then arrange a meeting with her teacher before half term - if the teacher thinks there’s a problem they will let you know.

Children looking under toilet cubicles is absolutely not normal at that age. It is likely to be innocent, but it must not be normalised. Do tell the teacher and identify the child if possible.

If it’s hitting or biting, the school will likely (should?) contact you. I’ve been the recipient of a few telephone calls in my time! But if it’s in the playground, it might not get noticed so you could mention it.

DS found the big playground scary in reception. He couldn’t find his friends and it upset him. The teacher didn’t realise until I told them. He was a quiet little thing. They out strategies in place once they were aware.