Separation anxiety at 4+ assessment

[Mamaspice89]

DD (3) suddenly has separation anxiety. She goes to nursery fine and has been since 1. It’s just new unfamiliar places she will cry if I’m not there. With the upcoming 4+ assessment season, I’m concerned she won’t even go into the assessment. Anyone have experience of a shy child going through the process? I should mention that she’s a summer baby and just turned 3, but some of the schools are assessing early Autumn. We are in north London, thanks

@Mamaspice89 this is a very common worry for all parents going through the 4+ assessments. It is important you slowly prepare them mentally for what they will experience. My own son is a shy boy and we were worried if he would go in ok and speak up in the assessment - and one of the schools was my own where I was Head of Pre-Prep!!! (he did get a bit teary but warmed up in the session and did really well).

Some of my top tips I suggest are:

1. Take them to any upcoming open days to get them familiar with the school and say you'll be coming back in as few weeks for another visit
2. If possible, find the adults that will be doing the assessment so they can recognise a face on assessment day. Even ask for which room will be used too as you can show them where they'll be coming.
3. Explain they will be going to show off everything they have been learning at Nursery while you go and have a look around the school
4. Set something to do afterwards to give them a goal to aim for. It might be a nice lunch or going for a treat.
5. Take a photo or toy with them to have something familiar close by and act as an icebreaker with the adults (some schools suggest this)

Remember all the teachers will be very used to helping the children feel settled and comfortable so even if your DD does get upset, hopefully she will settle once she's in the room.
I have just organised a group session for families to bring their children to (this morning actually) for this very reason. It helps the children get used to saying goodbye and working with new adults and other children. I will do another in October.

If you have any questions - send me a DM.
Fingers crossed for you!!

Thank you so much for the response and your helpful tips, we are trying to mentally prepare her (taking her to local kids classes where parents drop off the kids). It’s not going too well at the moment: lots of tears and refusing to go in so it’s making me wonder whether it’s worth registering for further schools if she’ll just fail the assessments (by refusing to go in and crying the whole time!). It’s a shame as I think she’s got great potential and would thrive in an academic setting.

@MyTwoDads
1 and 2 are unrealistic as many schools don't allow children to open days.

Not unrealistic - all the schools with 4+ assessments near us allow (actually encourage) it. It might not be universal but it’s a good tip.

MyTwoDads is the expert, but I’d also add in making sure you’re breezy on the day. ‘Off you go darling, have fun’ and leave, rather than anything drawn out. And leave plenty of time to get there so there’s no rush / panic for them to pick up on.

@Aaloyisha thank you! And yes, that's another good tip and very important. Once they start clutching on to legs - it gets a whole lot trickier to separate.

@javaprogrammer I think you may be getting confused with Open Days and Guided Tours. The latter usually takes place during school hours to see the school 'in action' and can be tricky if parents have buggies and young children.

I don't think I would want to send my DS to a school that didn't want children to visit!

@MyTwoDads All West London selective preps say "no children" should attend their 'open days' which include a guided tour.

You're right (partially), I have looked, and a couple of schools do say adults only.

This is so disappointing. If I were a parent that was in this situation, I would politely ask if there are any opportunities for children to visit the school before the assessments begin. It shows a lack on understanding (or consideration) of how children of this age behave socially and emotionally.

I feel an Insta post coming on about this lol I might do a bit of research and then start tagging the schools in the post to raise their hands if they do allow children to visit, and if they don't, will they consider doing something.
As parents, you don't want to rock the boat too much or make yourself stand out in the wrong way - but with me, I don't owe them anything!
Stay tuned!

with kids at that age, they should really let parents stay at the assessment if they really want to see the kids full potential and abilities. It seems like it’s a test of confidence and I heard it’s the extroverted kids that do well.

I had a child who at 3 suddenly turned shy and wouldn't want to leave me. Our nursery was very helpful so definitely discuss with them. Their best suggestion was to take her on experiences where she had to seperate from me for a little while - for example, a pony ride, swimming lesson, little outing with grandparents.

Only talk about the assessments in the most fun way - our nursery called them 'playdates' so we followed suit and would say how lucky she was that she got to do them. So much my other children were wondering why she got these special outings and they didn't 😁

And then on the day, a little surprise or treat afterwards can go a long way 😉

In the end she went in to her assessments just fine, it was only me who was nervous and worried.

It is pedagogically misguided to assess children at this very young age at all.

@MyTwoDads Are you aware Westminster Under, Bute, Kensington Prep and even Mulberry House don't allow children to attend their 'open days' or 'presentations'?

@javaprogrammer yes, I am aware. That's why I said you are partially right. Bute House is a ballot, so not a traditional 4+ assessment and Mulberry House has it's main intake at around 2yrs old and so again, not a traditional 4+.

I spoken with KPS and mentioned that it is disappointing children cannot visit the school before their assessments (they said the girls are invited in after the assessment!). WUS are the new kids on the block when it comes to 4+ and after their first trip out last year it doesn't surprise me.
I have also written to Glendower to see why they don't offer girls to visit first!