Would you choose private school, state school or continue homeschooling?

[WhichSchoolOrNoSchool]

Wondering which school to go with... or neither and keep homeschooling.

Before you all get confused, we're in the Southern hemisphere. School year starts late January, finishes mid December.

DS9 is halfway through Year 5, homeschooled. I think he needs to get back to school and spend more time with other people, and less time with me. He is AuDHD with a PDA profile and I pulled him out of school in Year 2 because it was a disaster and he couldn't cope and was on the point of expulsion. He has matured a lot, and is happy with the idea of going back to school, as long as it's an OK school. He's socially immature but very willing.

Schools here are full, there are too few schools and too few teachers. Thus only two options, and we can't move, because of DH's job.

Choices for next year are:

(1) Religious private school with blazers, ties, beautiful cursive, class music and languages, kids all play multiple sports and instruments, high-achievement culture, articulate and sophisticated kids, potential bullying and one or two teachers who openly dislike kids like DS. Compulsory code sport is a worry as DS - while he happily runs kilometres, and swims - can't catch a ball. However, the classrooms are quiet, the emphasis is academic, DS is easily ahead academically, loves languages, and is very far ahead with the multiple instruments. So he will probably have no friends and have to mask constantly, but he can at least do many of the things that make kids cool there. Feeder school for similar type of high school.

(2) Open-plan state school with 70+ kids in the Y4-6 classroom, sitting on the floor sharing iPads, doing group work. Theoretically three teachers, often only one because of severe staff shortages across the state sector. No uniforms, strong emphasis on group work and (code) team sport, low emphasis on academic achievement, no music. Nice atmosphere, nice people, exceptionally noisy and overwhelming classrooms, very very low expectations academically. Any child underachieving due to lack of taught skills is classed as "just a kid, not everyone has to be an Einstein". Regularly sends boys to the local sinkhole high school unable to read, write or do maths; because the boys have been rolling round the floor making fart jokes for 6 years, while the girls have been working on their collaborative academic teamwork skills. My feeling is DS would be overwhelmed by the environment, do nothing academically, annoy the teachers while having "friends" (kids who see he is easily manipulated) - and go on to do the same at the local high school.

(3) Homeschooling. Great academically and for music. Very socially isolated, and DS' social skills aren't developing properly. And I am tired and the house is a mess and I never have time to sort stuff out, or any time away from DS. Not a route to the private high school, which would require evidence of DS functioning in a school setting.

Knew a child, home schooled until sixth form after several attempts at various schools. Made it to Uni and has consistently struggled with deadlines. That’s just that side of it. As for social skills they are sadly lacking. Now all that not fitting in could have more to do with parent who smothers said child.
In England lots of support groups for home schooled children with trips to museums etc as part of the curriculum they are following.
So no idea which route you should choose just that perhaps you need to start from what the long term goal is for your child.

I completely agree about deadlines and social skills. He's going to struggle anyway because he's AuDHD, but he's going to need to practise executive funciton and social skills, and he's getting away with too much crap at home.

Neither school choice is optimal by any means. But I think he needs to practise the skills he'd be using in the private school.

While none sound ideal, the first sounds the best of a very bad bunch.

One sounds better than two.

1 or 2
Id discuss it with him and also talk about "the future"
Choices now impact 20 yrs later

Ideally I would want him to have a good crack at option 1

Religious school. He will find friends who enjoy those pursuits. They will admire his skills. He will get into bands etc. Don't expect bullying. Make DS meet requirements of uniform and puctuality. He won't stand out. Prepare to have similar musical and long distance runner type kids for play dates early in year. Gear up with uniforms and become familiar with start times etc. Attend their concerts.
Talk of the wonderful running track and lovely trees when you drive past.
Prepare to be a parent volunteer. Do you have your WWC?

There will not be success in State School. It sound chaotic.

You can pull him out for home schooling again after a few years as a last resort.

From what you describe, he’ll most likely find his tribe at the first school. It’s a shame there’s not better state provision where you are as both my DC thrived at a large state school which has an excellent music department, lots of ensembles etc.
He’ll need support getting back into school but I wouldn’t delay it further and will no doubt, have a period of time adjusting to learning in a much busier environment. Schools will usually buddy up a child with another kind child in the class to help with that.

No advice sorry - just wanted to say that I can see why you’re not sure - all three choices sound hard.
Even if your child goes to school next year though is there anything you can do to improve the current set up in the meantime. Are there no activity groups for home schooled kids that you could go to? Or other ways he or you both can interact with others eg volunteering? And if they’re not an age they can be left alone, do you have a partner so you can make sure you get some time off to look forward to every evening? I feel like there is more chance to fix these issues that you’ve identified with homeschooling than change the schools, and at the moment the schools don’t sound suitable for your child. (Which is due to the schools and not your child who is just being themselves).

Well none of the choices seem good - what an awful position to be in. But option 1 seems worth a try at least? I can't imagine option 2 will achieve anything (back in the 1980s as a newly qualified teacher I visited a school like that which was considered very fashionable then and I was not impressed.)

Otherwise you're stuck with home ed.

I would try the private school. If your fears come true and it affects his mental health, you can pull him out again. If he's up for trying school you can be upfront with him about the challenges and maybe role play ways to handle things.

Thanks everyone, yes, I agree that the private school is likely less bad than the state school or continuing to homeschool.

@saltyseaswimmer he does a ton of extracurriculars (all related to music) where he interacts with people. Choirs, orchestras, chamber music - but what this shows me is that he isn't getting the daily practice in incidental conversation and rubbing along with other people, that school students get. He needs this.

Unfortunately the homeschool community here is dominated by very anti-vaxxer-anti-government-conspiracy-theorist people and I've not managed to find anyone who we click with (probably because the meetups are mostly the aforementioned group).

I'm going to try sending him to cubs in Term 4 to see if that works for socialization, though it's going to conflict with music a lot...

Are there any other options for high schools or would you be stuck with the same two types of school? And how long would it be until he would be going to high school?

I've been in a similar boat, down to the conspiracy home ed groups, it's rough. My first thought, and what I did, is making the transition to school with the transition to secondary in part because then they're part of everyone being new at it, hopefully you'd have transition days and the schools would already have established transition support for a child with needs like yours.

I agree with others than 1 sounds better than 2 if you can afford it. I would strongly recommend checking what support is in place for that transition, because whether he starts soon or in high school, it's a big change from 1:1 home environment built for their needs to school where you're one of many to be considered, and it would be good to know where he can go and who he and you can talk to if/when he needs further support. and that you both know will be proactive from the start. IME, having had my kids go to three different secondary schools, that support is what makes or breaks their experience. It needs to be proactive support to try to prevent issues as much as possible, not just want until their is a problem support.

Sigh. There is zero support anywhere. The private school can just dump him if he requires support with a “we cannot meet your child’s needs” (zero legal framework to guard against this, there are no EHCPs or anything here) while the state system’s charming approach is to deliberately push the child to breaking point then expel them on behaviour grounds. Again, zero legal framework to guard against this.

The Ministry of Education will only investigate such expulsions if the school board’s policies have not been followed. Surprise surprise the policies are deliberately so vague that this type of offrolling happens constantly.

I just have to hope that this isn’t going to happen…