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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

How do you deal with a Queen Bee

13 replies

SarfEast1cated · 29/09/2016 17:16

My DD is suffering at the hands of a Y4 Queen Bee, who seems to control all of the relationships between the girls in DD's class. DD gets left out of all of it but has one friend that she plays with exclusively. Every now and then QB flexes her wings, and DD's friend goes over to the group of girls and DD is left on her own.
I have no idea what to do about it. DD and QB are equal ranking on the attainment levels (apparently) so it's possible she is jealous of DD. It's all very subtle, so not sure how to put it to DD's school teacher, or what he can actually do about it...
QB's mum is lovely and would be mortified if she knew, but how do I tell her aswell!

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nat73 · 29/09/2016 17:38

QB must be busy and over worked to control everyone at once? Could try plenty of play dates to try to strengthen friendships and break QB's grip? I would mention it to the teacher in case he can help. Good luck!

Original poster

SarfEast1cated · 29/09/2016 17:44

I think the girls clamour round her and follow her lead. Talking about it makes me sound a bit unhinged, but I know other girls have suffered at her hands, so it isn't just me. I am concerned that if Imention it to school it may get escalated to 'bullying' status and then all hell will be let loose!

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Scarydinosaurs · 29/09/2016 17:44

Remember these are just little girls, and this girl you call 'queen bee' is not some essentially evil child plotting and conniving to hurt your DD. She's just working out the group dynamic and figuring herself out too.

Try to work on your own DDs confidence, foster positive relationships between her and her friends both in and out of school, and try to not feed the drama by engaging with the QB dialogue- give her the space to talk, but try not to inflame the situation.

Original poster

SarfEast1cated · 29/09/2016 17:50

Scary I'm not naturally of a hysterical or over protective nature, although I'm sure my post may make me look pretty frothy. QB is a phrase I have used here, not one I use in RL.
I have spent a lot of time doing what you suggested, but it galls me that my DD is sat on a bench at school colouring on her own, whilst all of the other girls that DD has known and been friends with all of her life play with QB and won't play with her. It seems unfair to me.

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gillybeanz · 29/09/2016 17:51

They are all insecure at this age, have no idea where they fit in yet.
it's taken mine until y8 for it to settle.

Encourage your dd to be her own person and not follow like a lamb.
help her to reach small goals both in school work and extracurricular activities and praise her when she does well.

Talk to her about different personalities and pick out bits of "Queenbees and Wannabes" shes old enough to understand some of the psychology if you talk at an age appropriate level.
Why some girls will be her friend because they think it makes them more popular and will be in the group etc.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 29/09/2016 17:52

Your dd will encounter this all the way through school. So really it's how you deal with dd and give her the tools to deal with it that's important.

Personally at this stage while is non bullying I'd strengthen friendships with other girls, play dates, sleep overs, encourage dd to join an after school club ect.. Sports, martial arts to boost her confidence and esteem.

I'd also encourage dd to join her friend playing with QB when she is 'summoned' and if she gets frozen out or told to go away of nip it in the bud by directly speaking to her mother as you said you were friends in a friendly way.

Schools dealing with this kind of stuff are utterly wank and I wouldn't even bother with them.

RosyfingeredDawn · 29/09/2016 17:58

When my daughter was in Yr 4 she used to come home and say all the girls had to do a particular thing at play time dictated by one or two girls (only 10 girls in the class). She would say she played with nobody.
She started hanging out with the boys, playing Pokemon. She still got invited to all the girls parties and was friends with them but boys' friendships seemed a lot easier.
She is now in year 9 and has a best friend and a "squad".
Primary school were v good and used to take the girls off for sessions about friendship etc.
Get your daughter to try and increase her friendship group and try not to worry.

Original poster

SarfEast1cated · 29/09/2016 18:10

It's a small school and most of the girls are in 'best-friend' pairs already.
My lecturer recommended [https://www.amazon.co.uk/Girls-Goldfish-Bowl-Regulation-Amongst/dp/9087901852 this book] so I might see if I can get i from the library...
We currently do gymnastics, brownies and see friends outside school, but it's tough. DD is never 'summoned' to the golden group at school, although is friendly with the members of the group when she sees them at a party or in the park. Anyway, thanks for your advice!

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oompaloompaland · 29/09/2016 18:18

I sympathise. My DD was in a similar position, but in her case it escalated to real bullying - she was excluded from everything - in and out of school. In a small environment it is incredibly difficult, especially as (IME), the school simply refused to believe that one girl really could "control" the others - but she could, and she did. It wasn't "cool" to include my DD, and therefore nobody, and I mean nobody, did.

Our school failed to act (in fact failed to do anything about it at all) and in the end my DD only had one or two children from different, younger years to play with. The QB even tried to make sure my DD had nobody to partner in lessons. Finally we moved schools, and my DD has never been happier, with lots of girls to play with now.

As an adult it's awful to see your DD left out, especially due to the apparent actions of another girl. Having been there I would approach the school, detail exactly what has happened, and take it from there. My own school was less than useless, but other schools are not, and can hopefully nip this in the bud before it becomes a learned behaviour and the norm. Good luck.

YouMakeABetterDoorThanAWindow · 29/09/2016 18:20

Experiencing something similar with my DD. The school have been amazingly helpful and supportive.

It didn't stop me feeling the way I felt about the children involved.

I think the book suggestion looks interesting and I might see if I can get it via my library.

Original poster

SarfEast1cated · 29/09/2016 18:23

Thanks oompaloompaland for sharing that, so sorry to hear how your DD suffered, but pleased she is happy now.

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Original poster

SarfEast1cated · 29/09/2016 18:28

What are the school doing YouMakeABetterDoorThanAWindow?
I don't know if (our) QB really appreciates how hurtful she's being, probably just likes being surrounded by adoring friends, and getting one over on my DD because she beats her at maths.
Wishing you luck with getting it all resolved!

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YouMakeABetterDoorThanAWindow · 30/09/2016 08:49

Initial crisis management and medium yon long term planning! I know!

So talking to the children. Telling all adults ( TA and playground supervisors), very clear rules about what willl happen in the playground each day, teacher supervising play times ( amazing). Playground buddies.

Circle time which I think is there social sort of lesson? They talk about working together. There is a TA who specialises in helping children sort out relationships.

If I think of anything else I'll come back.

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