wrong school or just starting school in general-behaviour related

[funkybuddha]

My previously lovely daughter started reception in September and has been utterly vile since starting, she has started answering back, being rude, shouting. I've tried all sorts and she just isn't improving. The school we have sent her too is pretty pushy and academic, they had me in a meeting yesterday because her attendance had dropped below 91%.
I would describe our family as slightly alternative so I'm wondering now if a more independent school might suit her better.
Has your reception starter turned into a monster?

Is she happy at school? If she has changed a lot from how she was before starting school, it would be well worth trying to get to the bottom of why. It is tiring, children can be very mean, it's all very different and if the work is too hard/too easy then it can be discouraging. Speak to the teacher and don't be fobbed off.

Was there a reason you chose pushy academic school, or did it just happen? It could be a culture shock for her, depending on just how alternative you are.

91% is quite a lot of absence. Has she generally under the weather, or have there been separate illnesses? Is she getting enough sleep?

What do you mean by your family being "slightly alternative"?

It just sort of happened, she's a pretty bright girl so I wanted to be sure she was supported in her learning but didn't want it to be quite so full on. Its also a convenient school for us, family members can collect if I ever need to go back to work.
She is apparently the model student at school, polite, listens well etc, its just when she gets home. Its like someone flicks a switch in her.

It sounds to me like she's tired. Does she sleep ok? How many hours sleep does she get each night?

Five months is a long time for a small child to be so unhappy. I think you should take her out straightaway and then take your time to consider your options: postpone school by home educating, or look around for a school where she might be happier.

Maybe this school will turn out to be the right one for her when she is older, but it clearly isn't suiting her now.

I knowexactly how you feel - We had the same problem...after 4 months of her being unhappy we decided enough was enough and took her out (Jan) as Saracen suggested. It was the best decision we made, our alert and sociable child immediately replaced the temporarily anxious, dejected and at times monsterous one (within just a few days) and hasn't looked back!

Each set of circumstances are different and there may of course, be other issues/reasons etc...but you know your child best, don't be afraid to go with your instincts!!

Littlefish, yes. she sleeps ok, generally from around 7.30 til 6.30/7 each morning. We have thought about home schooling but it scares me a little, what happens when its time for secondary school? We don't live in a big city or anything so I'm not sure what home school support there is locally and of course it always means that I can't return to work. What if I am unable to ready her for exams, will it effect her ability to get a job when she is older. On the other hand surely having one to one learning time would be a benefit?
I just don't know. Argh

My son was the same at nursery. As soon as I picked him up her would kick off. After a few days of this I didn't cave into whatever he wanted or even attempted to understand his behaviour. I sat him down and asked him if he felt his behaviour had changed and to my surprise he said yes. I reminded him of good behaviour and he promised me that tomorrow would be a good behaviour day...it was and has been ever since. This sounds like it was a walk in the park but it took a lot of talking on that day and comparisons of behaviour. Good luck x

What does she say about school? Does she enjoy it?

Ds1 started reception in sept and he does answer back more, can be more argumentative etc but I know he absolutely loves his school - talks about it all the time, really keen to go in the morning, doesn't want to leave in the afternoon etc. I put the increased answering back etc down to him being more confident since being at school and pushing the boundaries at home because his school is quite strict on manners/behaviour etc.

If I ask if she enjoys it and she says she does, I know she has had a few issues with children talking rudely to her and chasing her and there is the usual "x doesn't want to be my friend anymore" but she seems to be enjoying the learning aspect a lot. I made sure the chasing issue was resolved but there isn't much I can do about the talking rudely part!
Its her parents evening this week so I'll see what they say there, after all the chasing they said she seems like she is happy and when parents go in to read they have told me she is having a good time and seems happy enough. Its just when she comes home.
I feel like I have no control over the kind of person she will turn into, before all this she was delightful! When I say control over the person she turns into I mean basic morals and values such as respect, being kind etc

Why has her attendance slipped ? She must have missed a couple of weeks. Did she previously attend preschool/nursery ? Independent schools may or may not be more tolerant and "alternative" in their approach tbh. Good ones are unlikely to have a space immediately.

She has just caught a few illnesses, I suppose because I at home I'm not so pushy to send her in if she is ill whereas if I worked I would sort of have to. I also don't really trust the school to call me if she is ill, she came home one day saying she'd had a terrible headache all day and had told the teachers she was feeling poorly and they didn't do anything. She came home with a temperature of 39.4.
She previously went to the nursery attached to the school, for 2 hours each morning. The school itself is pretty hard to get into so I'm worried about taking her out and not being able to get back in!

If the school is hard to get into, you are very unlikely to get a place again if you take your child out.

Do you give her a snack as soon as she comes out of school?

I'm going to be honest here and say that I think you are going to have to toughen up a little. She is bound to begin to change as she experiences new things. She may change in a way that you like, and she may go through phases where she is influenced by others in a way you don't like. You need to keep talking to the school and develop a relationship with them.

If you really feel that the school is wrong for her then you should move her. I would caution that her behaviour may not improve though.