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Primary education

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Original poster

advice please on a Reception three girl love triangle Hell

20 replies

mrsjavierbardem · 31/01/2014 12:56

My dd and another in her class worship on girl, let's call her 'X'.
Girl X manipulates the other two like a kind of Machiavellian genius.
My dd and the other besotted one alternate tears through the day based on whoever takes primacy with X.

When X is ill both other girls revert to being normal human children.
Lovely teacher does all she can and is aware but has not seen it "this intense' before, she is baffled by the passion. She is doing what she can but it seems out of all our control.
Don't ask me about the love triangle at a party, my eyeballs may start bleeding.
Any any any positive advice on this would be massively gratefully received.

OP posts:
Retropear · 31/01/2014 13:20

You keep explaining and hoping reality hits re the manipulator and eventuality it will.That and hope for a new girl to join the class when both will be dropped like hot coals.

My dd is in year 4 and the penny has just dropped after several looooooong years.Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear.

Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 31/01/2014 13:22

Who do I explain to? The other besotted's mother is sanguine about it, says it will pass. X's mother doesn't seem to see her daughter's power or influence.

I wish we could undermine it somehow but maybe only time will do that.

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plantsitter · 31/01/2014 13:26

We have a much less tempestuous (sorry Grin) but similar love story happening here. I am trying to arrange lots of play dates with girls outside the triangle (and not in same school if poss) to demonstrate to DD the loveliness of ordinary friendships where you can just be yourself and have a nice time without all the theatricals.

Exhausting though isn't it?

Lottiedoubtie · 31/01/2014 13:27

Get a request in for separate classes in year 1. Grit teeth and bare it.

Do nothing to encourage your DDs friendship with princess out of school.

In 12 months this will be a distant memory, in later life DD will barely remember her.

Lottiedoubtie · 31/01/2014 13:28

Opps bear it!

Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 31/01/2014 14:36

Thanks Lottie, but a day of this seems a long time!!!

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Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 31/01/2014 14:37

Is this rare in reception to have such hysterical adoration?

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MillyMollyMama · 31/01/2014 15:09

I can say it did not happen to either of my DDs and I have never been aware of it before in this extreme way at such an early age. Why is your DD and the other little girl so entranced by this one? What exactly does she do to make them want to be liked and feted by her? Sometimes there is a Queen Bee child who is likely to suggest playground games and be a general leader, but why does your DD cling to her when she can make her cry when she falls out of favour? Can she explain what is so alluring about this child? Is it personality, clothes, is she extra clever, does she have a glamorous Mum?

It will stop when your DD actually realises she is being manipulated and there are steady friendships to be had elsewhere. When my DDs found other children not to their taste at school, albeit when they were much older, I did say to completely ignore the other child so they would move on and annoy someone else. There has to be maturity to carry this out though. I am assuming this problem manifests itself most in the playground. Ask the school to see if the playground supervisor can keep your DD and the other child engaged in play so they are not around the manipulative one. She may be manipulating your DD and the other child because they are the only ones who rise to her bait, thereby providing "fun". Definitely make sure they are not on the same table in the classroom. Don't accept an invitation to her party. Get friendly with other Mums and get your child to clubs, activities and play with other children who are more pleasant.

plantsitter · 31/01/2014 18:03

I can't believe it is that unusual. They have just started school and are adjusting to that and all the insecurities it provokes. They are learning about the complexities of female friendships, which I must say at the age of 37 I haven't figured out yet (and I love women friends I'm not one of those 'only friends are men' types). They are four, so everything is a drama anyway ime.

I know it must be stressful and exhausting, but I'm sure it's normal. Have you talked to DD about it?

Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 31/01/2014 21:34

when I say she manipulates them I think she doesn't know she does it, she's only 4 amazingly, I think it's just a quirk of these three personalities, my dd is usually throwing herself around chaises longue in fits of sobs. It's just that two girls adore one girl and the latter plays the former two off against each other.
Hmm

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Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 31/01/2014 21:34

sorry I meant my dd is NOT usually throwing herself around...

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allyfe · 01/02/2014 10:30

I agree that the only thing you really can do is to try to help her build other friendships with other children. Perhaps after school activities with children not from her school might help broaden her horizons a little. Good luck!

IsItSummerYet · 01/02/2014 17:06

I think unfortunately children have to learn some things for themselves and I am sure with support she will realise that she gains more from other friendships. I know it's a tough lesson at such a young age - tough for both of you.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 01/02/2014 18:28

Advice? Stay out of it. It is a learning opportunity for DD.

It happens frequently, my DS is dealing with the same (he is 8!) and if golden boy is NOT his friend, but is James' friend instead it is tears.

If he is upset we talk about it, and we have talked about loyalty and what being friends really means, that boyX is fickle, etc.

He is slowly figuring it out and making other friends.

I think kids learn a lot at school besides reading and writing, they learn to deal with situations like this. It is useful. Even if it is hard to watch!

but it's best for parents to stay out of it IMO

ReallyTired · 01/02/2014 21:35

They are four and that age they have a different best friend each week. Friendship issues kick in further up the school particularly in year 5 when girls discover their "inner bitch" I'm afraid.

Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 01/02/2014 23:28

All good advice, have been working on just that strategy & I'm sure it's the right way to go.
I agree - proactive encouragement of other friendships.

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HauntedNoddyCar · 01/02/2014 23:35

We'rejust coming out of the infatuated phase at 7. This time the withdrawal of affection is playing out with much more maturity on dd's part. She's realised that she can live without bff and that they are very different.

ilovemountains · 02/02/2014 10:58

Actually I would invite other children from the SAME class round for play dates individually. That will hopefully give your dd the confidence to play with others. I would also talk to the teacher again - she can and should be doing more about encouraging other friendships and reducing the unhealthy dependency. It is not actually that uncommon in reception, my DD has been through something very similar and now has a good set of friendships.

Original poster
mrsjavierbardem · 02/02/2014 14:23

Am doing so ilovem, and the lovely teacher is doing what she can but it's in free playtime that they are like glue and they have found it almost impossible to separate them! She says they intervene to redirect them whenever they can.

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MrsJoeDolan · 04/02/2014 08:28

As a teacher I shuffled the class at the end of the year.

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