aggression in reception class

[MephistophelesSister]

Today at the end of school, my DD's teacher pulled me aside 'just to make me aware' that DD had slapped another pupil during breaktime . She wasn't overly worried, and after a talk with DD and an apology from DD to her classmate the teacher was satisfied that they are friends again.

I tried asking DD more about the incident at home but she was very reluctant to say any more. She did make it clear that didn't consider the child in question a friend, and the incident had been sparked when the other child tried to join a game that DD and some others were involved in. The other child is quite new, so I guess perhaps struggling to get included. DD has mentioned before that she has been pushed by the same child while queueing, and a couple of other irritations that she hasn't told the teacher.

All well and good. Except that tonight at bathtime I discover that DD has a largish lump on her head - from an entirely seperate incident. Apparently a boy kicked her in the head under the table whilst she was tidying up something thst had been dropped underneath . DD didn't say anything to the teacher at the time.

I really feel like I should say something about the second incident tomorrow - but how on earth do I go about it without looking like I am trying to minimise DDs bad behaviour?

Being kicked under the table is probably an accident. In order to plan it the boy would need quite a lot of calculation forethought and good aiming skills.

you are probably right - although it must have been quite painful as there is still a lump. Hard really to guage w/ 4 and 5 year olds. DD is convinced it was deliberate, but who knows?

I wasn't intending to name the other child involved, unless pushed to by the teachers . More concerned that my DD doesn't have the confidence to tell the teachers when somethimg like this happens, tbh.

It's not necessarily an accident at all. It doesn't take particularly good aiming skills to kick someone in the head, especially if their head is on the floor near your foot. If dd doesn't think it was an accident then talk to the teacher about it.

thanks LCD. That is my worry - and I guess I just need to steel myself and say something. If it wasn't an accident, then poor DD has had a telling off for a fairly public losing of temper and control, only then to witness first hand something pretty sneaky and rough where the perpetrator got away scot-free. Not A Good Lesson.

I think I will go with the 'naming no names' plan while making it clear it was unrelated to DD's slap incident ... in the hope they give everyone a stern talking to about taking care when others are under the tables?

I really am going to look like I have dragged it up in return for DD's telling off today, though, aren't I?

Not at all. Just explain what happened and say you're bringing it up because you found a big lump on dd's head. It's fair enough and I would like to think the teacher is grown up enough to realise its not a tit for tat. Anyway, even if she does, it doesn't matter. Dd needs to know you're there for her.

DD really does need to know I am there for her. Whatever happened with the head-kicking, it happened after her telling off, and I think she was feeling a bit wary of the teacher.

Obv when I was told about the slap I was fairly stern ( backing up teacher, making clear violence never OK). I'd hate to think that because I made it clear I disapproved of what she had done she then felt like she couldn't trust me enough to tell me when she got hurt herself .

It must be so scary and frustrating being 4 and a 1/2 some days.

Just talk to dd about it. Let her know that it's not ok to hit other people, but by the same token no one has the right to hit or hurt her either. And tell her that if she really can't tell the teacher, then tell you and you will help her sort it out. If she knows you'll be there or her, and act in a fair way, then she should start confiding in you a bit more.

And yeah I think it is tough being 4. My dd is 5 and very similar.

thank you for your help .

I'd say chat to the teacher but also make it clear you are aware of two incidences. I worked reception for years & most reception teachers expect a certain amount of physical behaviour as little ones learn appropriate behaviour & emotions. They also expect parents to be concerned. Both a very natural and is be dismayed if the teacher reacted badly.

You need to make sure she feels that she can go and tell the teacher if she gets hurt, or if someone is irritating her to the point she wants to lash out at them. Not saying that necessarily is what happened, but if she's getting cross with someone, it's better that she finds a teacher to intervene than she hits someone.

But saying it's deliberate is a frequent cry at that age.
I remember dd2 telling me someone had deliberately hit her in the face with their plimpsole. She explained how they had gone to kick a ball in PE and their shoe had come off as they did it, and it flew through the air and hit her. And she was certain they had deliberately managed to hit her at a distance of around 10 yards.
As a general rule I'd take the cry of "it was deliberate" or "he did it on purpose" with a handful of salt.

Thanks Katie - that makes me feel bettr

DeWe - I think the jury is out over the deliberate/non deliberate part of it. Everything can feel like it is very personal at that age, I guess. Without an adult having seen anything, I don't think it is possible to ever know for sure.

A word with the teacher tomorrow, then. (And a careful note of names for future reference, plus plenty of reassurance for DD).

I am amazed your DD kept quiet about the kick to the head. IME, 4-5yos love to grass everyone up constantly, even themselves.

llijkk - in the normal run of things my experience is similar. They are generally compulsively truthful, when it is least convenient (although this is starting to wear off).

I think the experience of being in trouble gave her a bit of a shock. She is normally one of the well-behaved girls and just gets on with it. Being taken aside and made to apologise by the teacher was a big deal for her.

I spoke to the teacher this morning and it was fine. I just mentioned that DD had the bump and repeated her explanation (minus names). I also said that she believed that it was deliberate, but that I doubted it. A day after the event there is no sense in trying to get anyone on trouble, as it would be impossible to work out exactly what happened. It sounds like there was a bit of a free-for-all when a TA asked everyone to gather up paper that was littering the floor where they had all been cutting out snowflakes. I suspect that the boy who did the kicking didn't deliberately aim at my DD, but perhaps on a whim decided it would be funny/wondered what would happen if he swung his legs while they were all down there. So not deliberate, but not exactly unintentional either, IYSWIM. I think the teacher is going to have a word to the class about taking care when people are under the tables, and at least she now knows that DD was injured but didn't say anything at the time.

I also spoke to the mother of the child who my DD hit. She was really lovely, and suggested a playdate (dependent on both of the children being happy about it). I thought it a really good idea, and when I asked DD she seemed happy with the idea.

DD hadn't a care in the world going to school this morining, so she seems to have bounced back pretty quickly. Her bump has gone down, leaving her with just a bruise under her hairline and a very small graze which will soon be healed and forgotten. Thanks to everyone who replied