Major problems re- a sleep over party, much needed advice!

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, my daughter is 8 in January and has severe learning difficulties and is incontinant of both. She has been at school for nearly a term now, after being home educated. She's really enjoying it and has a one to one lady with her all the time. She's very popular with the other children and she loves the social side and wants to do everything they do.

She's recently been invited to a birthday sleep-over party. It does state that children don't have to sleep over, but it is a drop off and leave party.

How do I mention to a mum I've never met, over the phone that my daughter can't control her bladder or bowels??? It's a nightmare! Lucy is so looking forward to it. Should I offer to stay, and perhaps help out? but then, the mum might not want that, or might not want Lucy there at all.

If anyone has any ideas as to how I can handle this situation while being fair to the mum, but also respecting my DD's dignaty as much as poss, please let me know.

Would the other parents already be aware of this?
Have you asked your daughter?
I would just ring the mum and explain the situation and offer to go and be there and see what she says.
It would be a shame for your daughter to miss out.
Hope you can work it out.

Please just be honest and open.

It is great that your daughter has fitted in so well. If you can just treat her issues in a very matter of fact way then so will she. I am sure your party host will be glad of the help and company of another adult (I would be). The mum will be less worried if she knows how things work for you all normally and if you are unfortunate enough to find that she just freaks out then better she does it with you on the phone than with your daughter present.

Good luck, I hope Lucy enjoys the party, with or without sleeping over.

(PS I have stayed and helped with lots of drop and leave parties for all sorts of reasons with my children)

Thank you both. I'll phone to let her know and offer to help out.

I don't think the parents know of her incontinance. They all know of her learning difficulties as that's quite obvious, bless her.

My daughter doesn't care at all that she might have an accident in front of her friends. She dosn't seem to feel embarassment at all. All she wants is to go to the party. Nothing else matters to her. I did say to her, what if I'm not there to help you? and she just said, the girls mummy will do it. (She just assumes that someone will be willing to change her).

I would just say to the mum that your DD is very excited to come but due to her learning difficulties she will need for you to stay for the party. I wouldn't go into the details to preserve your daughter's privacy (even if she doesn't care now she may in future). I'm guessing that staying over won't be practical given you can't say overnight with her.

It's very possibly that they have guessed

There is a girl at dd's school who for different but fairly severe medical issues her parents have always had to stay at parties except for one household where both parents are doctors.

The fact she has 1:1 at school means the parent will probably have an idea.

What does your dd want to do? If she wants to sleep over, and wouldn't be upset by needing help with changing, then I'd be completely upfront with the other parent.

I wouldn't assume at all that the parents know the extent of your dd's learning and physical difficulties. They probably have a vague idea, but not the full extent.

I think if you are considering leaving your dd either at the party or the sleepover, you need to be completely upfront and tell the parents exactly what they may be required to do to support your dd. If you don't, you stand a good chance that they may be completely unprepared to meet your dd's needs. This would obviously be rubbish for your dd, rubbish for the parents who will have lots of other things to sort out on the day / night and rubbish for the birthday girl who will have stressed parents.

I think ringing the parent and offering to stay is the best option. I'm sure the parents have a general idea that your dd will need quite a lot of support and have invited her anyway. I suspect they would be very grateful to get your offer. I think the more open you are with parents, the more likely they are to include your child.

Thanks everyone. She definatly won't be able to stay over night, but hopefully I'll be able to stay with her or at least give my mobile nomber. I can also give her her bowel medication before, so that she clears herself out before going. That will help. Her pull ups are designed to last all night, so they'll be o.k for the 3 hours or so.

Hope everything goes well and that she has a lovely time! She sounds very excited and how lovely that she has such good friends. You must be very proud of her.

Exactly what Ghoul said.

I hope she has a lovely time with her friends

thank you, yes I am extreamly proud of her.