Help re: teacher's comments/becoming more resilient. Thanks.

[Cortina]

Be grateful for ideas about the below - comments from teacher, DS gets upset when he makes mistakes. Think the teacher is saying that DS needs to be more resilient & looks to be praised to readily?? Any tips as to how I can help & if I've read between the lines correctly? Thoughts on a good response?

Seems rather odd to be described as 'obedient' etc but there you go...

'John is an obedient boy who loves to receive compliments.
Whenever he is being praised, his learning picks up quickly.

However, this is also one of his weaknesses as well. This is because not every one of us can always perform to the level whereby people will praise us for work well done. Hence, when he finds himself not able to perform up to the teacher's expectations, he will get irritated easily.'

Sorry meant 'too readily'...

I think some kids respond particularly well to encouragement, my ds1 is one. You can make him sit out/ sit on the carpet on his own/ stay in from playtime and he probably won't change (may even get worse), but one well timed compliment on how well he is sitting still/ how well he is focussing will work wonders! My other son is different and responds to a bit of time out really well, though of course you still have to use praise with him. Howeverm it does also devalue the praise if it is used constantly, so you and the teacher need to use in areas where he really needs it/ deserves it.

I don't see how you would read the rest of your post into what the teacher wrote/ said. I don't think she's even impying it. If you think the rest of your post is him, then I think you have to teach him how to relax a bit more about his performance, which isn't easy, but is important. Some people are natural perfectionists, but it's not a good trait to have in life, and can lead to a lot of misery! Trying to train him out of it, and say things don't always have to be excellent is ok. Teaching him that trying is more important than getting it 'right'. You may also want to look at his general 'happiness' as ds1 had a friend like this, and when he is more unhappy he gets very much like this (he hated colouring in, in case a little bit went out of the line), but when he's happier he's more relaxed and cares a bit less about getting everything perfect.

Sorry! I see that the second part of the post was what the teacher said! Then I think the teacher is saying the second part of your post...it's not a criticism of how you've brought him up, but saying it would be good to work with him having more of an acceptance of himself being able to produce 'lower' level work.

PS. I don't think it's about resilience. I think it is about relaxing his standards. Does anyone at home have perfectionist attitude (towards themselves not necessarily ds1) as he may have learned this. Or does he really crave praise from his Dad? Try and figure him out a bit...

Interesting point re: general happiness. DS usually very happy but a few things have happened recently to upset him, he's now back to usual self I think. I guess we are all prone to being a bit over sensitive if things are not going well. He is a bit of a perfectionist, we've tried to get him out, he hates losing! We've said all the usual stuff about mistakes being how you learn, school not being about judging your talent but helping you grow as a person and improve etc. Both parents may have a bit of a perfectionist streak though (and it can be stressful to be like this/is a bit of a flaw) so that may be where he's seeing it modeled? Thanks for comments.

It's not so much what you say as what you do!!! Do you praise him for trying things that he's not good at? Or for 'failing'? Eg. if he doesn't win, but doesn't cry about it. Or doing something he's not v good, and just 'giving it a go'. Might be an area to praise him for ie. that he can start feeling good about not doing so well!

I know :). We need to cut ourselves some slack and that may well be a cause of his behaviour. Herein perhaps likes the main problem.

We praise the process, praise the effort not the end result etc. Could praise more perhaps but I think we do it sincerely and quite often.

I wondered about the teacher and her thoughts on praise. It's a character weakness to enjoy being praised? Being 'obedient' is prized and very highly valued? How is she praising him? etc. If she's observed he works well when he's praised can't she work with that? Not looking to absolve myself of responsibility here though or expect teacher to give special attention & constant particular praise to my son but might be worth pondering.

Lies the main problem I mean.

might be an idea to encourage him to priase himself (in his head or out loud) instead of him having to rely on those around him to validate his efforts.
It would become quite an effort for teachers and parents to keep mentioning the good stuff, in an appropriate way, at the right moment, better for him to validate himself as he goes along - syaing things to himself like "I'm trying really hard at this", "this is my best effort so far", "I'm doing better today than I did yesterday" etc

This seems to be a convo between the 2 of us. I'm sure some wiser, more experienced people (inc teachers) will be on later.

I don't think she is saying it's a character weakness at all. Just an observation, which he needs a bit of help to overcome. And it's good she's spotted he responds well to praise. I think she's just saying, he doesn't handle it well when he doesn't get it. Being obedient is certainly highly valued if you are handling 30 kids!!! Again, this is not a character strength, but something you have taught him to be (a lot of kids are not). So well done! Of course they get praised when they behave well ie. listen and follow instructions, and partly to inspire the others to do it . Not sure what she could do differently other than praise him even more, but it sounds like she knows he responds to it, and is using it appropriately. I think she just wants him to chill out a bit (usually teachers want the opposite!), but it must be difficult if she feels like she can't point out anything that's wrong. Maybe she could 'sandwich' criticism with praise, maybe she already does. I would ask to see her and ask what she meant, any suggestions for what you could do at home, and ask how she handles it at school.

How old is your ds by the way?

Rosemary, that's a brilliant insight. I love it .

Arrrr thanks - (am sitting with a group of three and four year olds at the moment randomly hammering nails into wooden planks - they are chattering away to themselves and so far I've hear "I'm a great builder" " Bob would love this" and "wow that's good" - just talking to themselves, bless them !)

That's brilliant Rosemary. I was thinking about how do I teach my kids to do this? How do you do it? Oldest is just 6 and 3yr old twins. How do you get them to talk to themselves without saying it for them?

I would suspect that the teacher's comments mean he loses his temper in class if his work is criticised and will only listen to her when she tells him he's got things right.

She is not thinking about character defects or anything grand like that, but simply how his learning could be more effective; and the truth is people learn better if they are not too touchy.

If a child will only listen to praise it is very hard to show them where they need to improve. If he mis-spells one particular word or gets a cedrtain type of sum wrong and gets irritable when he has it pointed out, the teacher can't actually teach him by praising other things that he does get right: that won't improve the area that needs improving. She has to point out where the error is to and he has to learn to handle that. An effective learner is one who thrives on a good balance of praise and criticism.

Cory, that does makes sense, thank you. How can I best encourage this shift of attitude at home?

• 1 to what Cory said. It wounds like he won't work when he isn't praised. Also, there is an argument to be had to too much praise is ineffective - children tend to work only for praise/ reward, and the intrinsic motivation to learn for learnng's sake, or one's own sake is damaged.

Maybe by example at home. Show him that you can make mistakes too and that the world doesn't come to the end. Also an emphasis and an understanding that doing your best doesn't necessarily mean that you are the best...
Its hard..

Second the example at home approach.
I have to force myself to say out loud things like "I did a good job with dinner it taste better than last week", " etc - I was bought up in a self-praise is no praise at all home (not nice).
Also I've had to learn to hold back from accusing older child of boasting, often they are just pleased with their work but it can sound as though they are putting another child down if they start comparing, fine line.
It's often an eye opener to ask a child how the feel about work, early on they may say nothing or things like "good inside" "warm" "smiley" or just shrug.
As expressions develop they can say things like I feel proud, or I don't really feel I tried much or I felt really cross when I got in wrong.

That's great Rosemary. Yes, more 'out loud' praise for myself would be good for me as well (and not in sarcy tone ie. "This food is really delicious, mummy, isn't it? Thankyou for cooking it, Mummy." ).

I will also start asking him how he feels about the work? He is used to expressing some feelings.

OP - how old is your ds?