Anyone like to join me in pointless speculation about what ds is doing wrong at school

[Gipfeli]

I have to go into school and speak to ds's teacher about his behaviour in school. The appointment isn't until next week. I won't know what the problem is exactly until we have the meeting.

I've spent a week working through the various possibilities and have exhausted my brain so thought I'd throw it out there in case anyone else has any ideas that I can hassle ds about mull over.

I've asked ds what he's being doing wrong but he's 6 so he just shrugs his shoulders and says "I'm not saying". So clearly there is something, otherwise he would have said "nothing". I know him.

Would he answer a broad question? Is it to do with another child? Is it to do with your work? Is it to do with not doing as you're told?

Could you try saying to him "Well, the teacher is going to tell me next week, maybe it would be better to put your side of the story first?"

I've tried asking questions in general and specifically. I've established what he likes about school (reading, numbers), what he doesn't (nothing much), who his friends are (everybody), things that have upset him (which basically amount to him not getting 100% of the teacher's attention)

I know he's been sent out of the room 3 times (that's his number, it could well be an underestimate!) but so far only know what one of them was about (laughing when another child did not know the answer. We had severe words about that)

I did try yesterday the thing about "well I'll find out next week, this is your chance to tell me your side first". Actually I think it might have worked, had not his sister spilt her drink everywhere just as he was considering it. By the time we came back to it, he'd gone back to not talking about it again. I'll see if I can find another appropriate time and try again.

You could try a gentle "What do you think teacher will tell me about you when I see her next week." I did this to dd before parents evening and she said that she would say little wildmutt rushes her work but is very helpful. On the night the teacher did say that as well!

Ask his friends. My daughter (a complete grass) is always fully up to date on disciplinary issues within her class, so if his mates won't spill, try the class swot.

If they're letting you sweat it out for 2 weeks it can't be all that bad.

Thanks all. I like the idea of asking his classmates. Definitely ds is very willing to tell me who else has been in trouble and what for.

Actually I think I'm beginning to get an idea now. He told me he was sent out yesterday for "roaring" at a child. So now I just need to work out a way to convince him that not everything needs to be answered and that if other children say something he doesn't like and there's no time to respond properly ("I am unable to sit in my own seat, X, since Frau E. is already sitting there") it would be polite to ignore the comment rather than roar at the poor child.

If he's roaring at others, and laughing it sounds rather disruptive and attention-seeking.
I dislike the phrase 'class swot' but by all means ask a child in the class you know is enthusiastic about learning and trying their best, rather than one who enjoys messing around and being a PITA.

Oh yes, he's definitely keen on being the centre of attention all the time. Less so at home where lots and lots of "now it's someone's else turn to talk to me" type response have paid off but I can see that at school he's got a potential audience of 20 kids which is going to be a problem.

So what's the answer? To me, it seems like continually and consistently picking him up on it and sending him out of the class will get the message across by taking him away from the thing he most wants. But that's going to be hugely annoying and time-consuming for the teacher. How can I speed up the process?

If only we knew that answer to that!!! A consistent approach between school and home helps, which is probably why the school wants to talk to you. You need to support and agree with each others' methods! Also, they need to know whether he is only like that at school, or whether you recognise the tendencies at home, as behaviour limited to one environment may have a different cause to behaviour that manifests itself everywhere. If he's like that everywhere, then it's probably a matter of maturity and personality. Like that only at school and there's possibly something going wrong in the way the behaviour is dealt with, or with a specific dynamic within the classroom that is not currently understood. That's my view, anyway!!!

Personally I think the school should have given you a bit more information about what aspect of his behaviour is causing concern. Not fair to you to leave it up in the air like that.

Quite hard to describe a child's behaviour prior to a meeting, though, if it isn't about specific instances so much as a general attitude. Better constructively dealt with in a friendly meeting than as a brief and necessarily unfair and incomplete summary in the school playground that might get the parent's back up! Gipfeli does know it is about her ds's behaviour, after all - I'm not sure what else the school could say in advance of trying to explain the issues properly at the meeting, unless she specifically goes up to the teacher and asks whether it is or isn't about something she suspects it is about (eg it isn't about physical violence, or it is about being insensitive to other children's feelings, etc). What is a shame is the amount of time between telling Gipfeli they want to speak to her and actually speaking to her - but then some parents need lots of advance notice to arrange a meeting...

I think it's fair enough not to tell me what it's about in great detail yet. Especially as the children take themselves to and from school so in the daily routine the teacher doesn't get to see the parents. We have a communication book but I don't think it's reasonable for her to have to write everything down. That's the point of the meeting.

And yes, if I was desperately bothered about it I could have picked the first time she offered me for the meeting which would have been this week, instead of the second slot next week. I'm not at all bothered about the logistical practicalities of it. I just like to be prepared and make sure I've brainstormed all the potential problems.

If the problem is the attention-seeking thing, that's definitely going to be more of a problem at school. Clearly at home there's much more attention that he can expect to achieve than at school, so he wouldn't need to mess around so much. And far fewer other children to try and impress as well.

I'd also agree that if they're making an appointment for 2 weeks time, it probably isn't that drastic.

DD didn't settle at all well when she moved into yr 1 (out of a very play based reception class), and the school arranged some sessions with the county behavioural counsellor to try to improve matters.

We were asked in for a formal meeting where they explained what they wanted to do, so it might well be that your ds's school has a strategy/plan, but wants to discuss it with you first. We certainly weren't expected to come up with the answers, only support what school were doing!