DS keeps getting stomach aches on PE days and now says he doesn’t want to go to school

[WanderingRonin]

DS is 12 and in year 8. He has always been ok with school really, never been one of those kids who loves it but generally gets on with it and has a couple of good friends. The last few weeks he’s started complaining of stomach ache on school mornings, and I’ve noticed its mostly on PE days. At first I thought it was just coincidence but its happened enough now that I’m wondering if there’s something going on.

Last Thursday he was saying his stomach hurt while he was getting dressed and asked if he could stay home. I said he needed to at least try going in and if he felt worse he could tell someone at school. He went in and when I picked him up he seemed fine, was chatting away about something that happened at lunch. Same thing again Monday morning. He was sat on the edge of his bed saying he felt sick and didn’t think he could manage school. I checked the timetable and it was PE again. He eventually went but was in a mood with me all morning.

I’ve tried asking him if anyone is giving him grief and he says no. I don’t want to assume he’s being bullied just because he’s not keen on going in, but obviously you do start wondering. He did say he hates getting changed because everyone is shouting and messing about and he feels like he’s always the last one ready. I asked if anyone had actually said anything to him and he said no, its just annoying and he doesn’t want to talk about it. So not exactly a lot to go on.

Yesterday evening I tried bringing it up again and he got quite defensive, said I always think he’s making excuses and that I don’t listen when he tells me things. Which upset me a bit because I am trying to listen, I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do with it if he won’t tell me what’s wrong. I said I wasn’t accusing him of anything and he just said can we stop talking about it now.

His dad thinks I’m worrying too much and that most boys his age would rather be at home than doing PE. He has him every other weekend so doesn’t really see the school morning stuff. I’m not saying he’s wrong that some of it could be normal 12 year old behaviour, but the stomach aches are new and I don’t want to ignore it if he’s genuinely struggling.

I’m thinking of emailing his form tutor to ask if they’ve noticed anything, although I don’t want him to feel like I’ve gone behind his back and made a big deal out of something he told me in confidence. I’m also wondering if I should book him a GP appointment in case the stomach aches are unrelated to school. He seems completely himself at weekends and hasn’t complained about his stomach then.

Would you contact the school now or give him a bit more time to talk to me? And how do you get a 12 year old to open up without making them feel like they’re being interrogated? I don’t want to force him to tell me everything but I also don’t want us to get to the point where he’s refusing to go in altogether.

Could there be issues in the changing rooms when they’re getting ready for PE?

maybe he’s embarrassed of his underwear. Does he have kiddie pants or more grown up boxers? Maybe a comment has been made regarding that.
Is he sporty? Maybe he doesn’t feel as good as the other kids?

It'll be something in the changing rooms. Puberty is a weird time. He's not in pants and Speedos or something is he? Maybe take him out for new underwear or something. His choice?

Can you not remember feeling self conscious of your changing body at that age? I know I did. PE changing rooms and the compulsory shower sucked a bit.

I dont really approve of kids getting changed together, I hated it at school and would always be 'ill' for PE. Or does he hate PE?

If he is getting stressed about it he may well have a stomach migraine and therefore the stomach ache is genuine anyway.

Your husband is right, you need to back off. Just be available and your son will talk to you if/when he is ready. Eg driving to activities in the car together. Your son has asked you to stop so stop. Honestly I’m an adult and I would find your behaviour irritating, so heaven knows what your twelve year old thinks. I hate it when people keep asking me if somethings wrong if I’m not ready to talk. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

I did wonder about the changing rooms tbh as he has said its loud and everyone messing about. I dont know if anything has actually happened though, he just gets annoyed when I ask him about it.

He wears boxers, just normal ones, but now you’ve said it I suppose someone could have made a comment about something like that. He’d probably be mortified if I asked him outright though.

He’s not particularly sporty no, he does football at school but wouldn’t choose to do it in his spare time if that makes sense. He’s never been brilliant at PE but hasn’t complained about it before so I dont know if its that or the changing rooms or something else altogether. Trying to get anything out of him at the minute is like getting blood out of a stone 🙄

Mine was the same. He was a tubby lad and very self conscious at that age

In terms of getting teenagers to open up, imagine a deer in the woods that startles easily. Lure them out with snacks/bribery and never ask direct questions 😀oh and be prepared for them to open up at the most inconvenient times possible for you.
also teenagers with two parents in the house tend to go through states of hating everything one of them is doing for no rational reason, so be prepared to be “it” for a while. If you’re it, I recommend chocolate, wine and watching the “kevin” comedy sketches…on the fast show I think.

I'd flag it up with his form tutor to check in with him and potentially find out if there are issues in the changing rooms.

It’s probably either that he feels unfit/ isn’t popular on a team or that he is self conscious about his body (or both). Is he average height/build? Any spots or body hair that might be worrying him? I’d have a quiet word IF his PE teacher seems not a twat and mention that he seems to be worried about PE and ask them to keep an eye on the dynamics with the boys.

Having said that our PE teacher was a paedophile so that’s not necessarily good advice…

I'd pass this one to your DH and maybe he could gently extract it from him? It might be a 'man' thing that your DS could discuss more easily with DH?

I realise that sounds sexist but I can't imagine my DDs discussing something like this with their dad.

He’s pretty average really, neither particularly tall or big for his age. Has a few spots but nothing major that I’ve noticed. I hadn’t really thought about him being self conscious about his body but I suppose at that age you dont always tell your mum if something is bothering you do you.

The team thing is possible as he’s not the best at football and I know some of the boys are much better than him. I will have a think about speaking to his PE teacher, I dont know him that well but I could email his form tutor first and see what they think. I dont want to make him feel like I’m making a fuss behind his back though.

Sorry about your PE teacher 😬 thats awful, you really do have to hope the adults around them are decent don’t you.

It's a horrible age. Even without communal showers these days you've still got armpits to have to worry about.

Hmmm. You could ask him what's the worst thing about being last to get changed? Is he worried people might take the piss because he's always slow? ...What's the worst thing that could happen (and is it really that bad?)

You could ask, is he bothered about noise/boisterous behaviour in general? Or is there something different about this scenario?

I would also make sure you are showing empathy/sharing examples. E.g. 'i can see this is bothering you, it must be hard. When I was at school I hated (x,y,z) or worried about (x,y,z)' and reassure him it's normal to have worries sometimes.

Has his dad spoken to him about puberty? I know my son has said he’d rather talk about this stuff with his dad.

I know you said dad doesn’t see the mornings, but I think it’s worth a chat to him. See if at the weekend they could have a chat about puberty and the changes in boys bodies. He might open up more.

Thats a good point actually about asking whats the worst thing about being last to get changed. I think ive been asking him so much if someones said something that he probably feels like im trying to get him to admit something if that makes sense. Maybe I need to stop asking it like that.

His dad hasnt really spoken to him about puberty as far as I know, I could have a word with him and see if he will have a chat with him at the weekend. He might find it easier talking to his dad about that sort of thing than me 🙈 I dont want to make him feel like theres something wrong with him either, he’s at that age where he gets embarrassed about absolutely everything at the minute.

I do try to tell him I get that school can be rubbish sometimes but probably could do more of the sharing my own experiences thing rather than just asking him questions. I just want to get it right and not make him clam up even more.

Is PE day on Monday? DD had terrible stomach cramps for a long time but especially on Mondays. Had her tested for a lot of different issues but all came back clear. Eventually she was diagnosed with coeliac disease. It turns out that her eating Pringles, chocolate bars, biscuits and cakes at the weekend were causing the stomach issues on Monday mornings. At the time she really only had treats at the weekend. Does anyone in your family have coeliac? Even if they don’t it’s worth checking.

What's the worst that can happen? is a thing I ask myself when I have to give a presentation. But I might blush! People would be looking at me blushing! Then what happens? Er...then I go and have a cup of tea...

I guess the idea of being embarrassed is peak awful for 11-13yo though, it's just the worst period isn't it?

Also, I didn't mean to suggest that you're not empathetic - you clearly want to help him or you wouldn't be thinking about contacting the school etc - I guess I was thinking of my own parents there, and how they always acted like it was a weakness to find things challenging, when in reality we all find certain things challenging and the healthy thing is to talk about that and come up with strategies to help.

I wonder, if he won't say exactly what it is, could you also talk about things more generally. Like, how would it feel if people laughed at us? What if they said mean things about how we look? How would we respond in that situation? ...what if there was something we wanted to be good at, but found that we're not so good at it?

If you think he really is getting a tummy ache, you could look at some videos together on how/why worrying can affect you physically and some things to help with this? Like, if it's happening in other scenarios some relaxation techniques might help him control how he's feeling and reduce stress.

Can you tell I also have an anxious boy? Younger than yours though, I am not looking forward to puberty!

We had this with DS at the same age but it was on art days. He was a bit afraid of the teacher (not awful but sarcastic and didn’t have much time for non arty kids. DS was a maths and science person.)

It took me a while to tease it out of him. I really think the stomach ache was genuine - anxiety can make you feel rubbish. I’d had several lunchtime calls from the medical
office to come and collect him and it was always art in the afternoon. I’m not even sure DS had joined the dots on why he was feeling poorly every time he had art in the afternoon.

At that age the best way to have a good conversation with DS was to go for a walk together or a long drive. There’s something about being side by side that’s less pressured and also having something else to do as a distraction. Anyway it all came tumbling out about how much he disliked the class and teacher and always worried his work wouldn’t be up to scratch. To be fair he’s a terrible artist but that’s beside the point! We talked about how sadly he couldn’t avoid it forever but would be able to give it up at the end of the year which worked out as x more lessons to get through. We also talked about strategies and not worrying about how well
he did. We agreed we could have a debrief about how it was going at any time and it was fine to have a moan on art days. Talking it through seemed to take the sting out of it for him and he knew I’d have his back if it got worse for any reason. He managed the rest of the year without too much worry.

Do they have to get completely undressed including removing boxers or do they wear football shorts over the boxers?

If they have to get completely undressed then it's possible he's getting teased in some way about his genitials.

I had to make sure my autistic dd had a private space to change for PE. The communal space doesn’t work for everyone.

If he has any health issues like asthma, I would also make sure his teacher is letting him respect his warning signs.

I hated art with a passion and couldn't wait to give it up. Teacher was not sympathetic. I did science A levels I own an art gallery now

I've had 2 sons go through secondary school and as a result I'd put money on it being something to do with the changing rooms and possibly something embarrassing in there that he doesn't want to talk about. I remember DS1 telling me about a poor lad in his PE class who got an erection and was so embarrassed he ran out of school - I'm not saying that's happened to your son, but I can't imagine that would be an easy thing to tell your parents about. It could be something personal he doesn't know how to raise with you or doesn't want to.

Try to talk to him on neutral ground and don't dismiss the stomach aches, anxiety can bring on all sorts of physical symptoms. I think a visit to the GP may not be a bad idea - do you have a male one at your practice? Would he feel comfortable going into the appointment on his own? If you can, try and get him to say if he's worried about something that has happened, or about something that might happen. He doesn't need to go into details. If the former, perhaps a word with the school? If the latter, then it can help to look at relaxation techniques and tslk through scenarios and how he can deal with them. He has my sympathy - PE should be optional imo, it's a bloody miserable subject for so many young people.

Hi OP this is a similar situation I went through with my DS (13) recently which is still ongoing but I thought my insight might help a bit. My son is usually happy as can be but when PE is coming up (so usually the day before and on the day itself) he becomes more withdrawn as he dreads it, which I found strange since he enjoys doing exercise but seemed to want to avoid PE as much as possible. I found out a big reason why was because he had received judgemental comments from peers about his body. Basically some boys made a joke that he has a big bum. On top of that some (usually the same) boys attempt to pull other’s undies down when they aren’t expecting. That combined with how rowdy he says boys changing rooms can be and he hates it. My son hasn’t really hit puberty yet and for that reason he is worried around peers in settings like that. I say all this not to scare you as your situation could be very different to mine but this is just what happened with my son and why he tried to avoid PE.