Daughters rages and my reactions…

[Notfeelinguptoit]

Ok I have a 12 year old daughter.
She has ASD and has had her period for around a year so hormones are definitely at play too.
She has been very difficult over the last year, we get into rows over her not sleeping or her demanding I take her out/buy her things.
The tv has been smashed by her and replaced more then once, 2 phones have been thrown and smashed, every week or so I have to buy new remote controls.
She keeps destroying my property.

A few months ago during an episode of not going to sleep(I have to lie with her until she falls asleep) she was still awake at 2am.
I could feel myself bubbling inside and exhausted, I said, just try and go to sleep albeit abruptly.
Daughter took this as me being angry at her and bit my arm(locking down for a good minute) which ended up drawing blood(and swelling for days), she kicked me, pulled my hair really hard and started screaming aggressively.
I left the room to sit on the stairs for time out,
she followed me to the stairs, screaming at the top of her voice and screamed down my ear so loud I just lost it, I put my hand over her mouth for a split second and shouted at her to stop screaming before the neighbours hear/ring the police!

I never intended to hurt her, or stop her from breathing, it was just to try to muffle the screaming, but I know that’s no excuse.

Daughters doing better and attending talk therapy for her EBSA which I feel is where her aggression stems from and the aggression she shows towards me has eased, but she reminds me daily of me putting my hand over her mouth, I’ve explained why in that moment I did it(I’m aware that that still is no excuse) to try and get her to hear my side but she doesn’t see the context or build up, just what I did.
Im absolutely livid with myself for doing this and feel an immense amount of guilt and shame.
Is there any way of getting past this and healing our relationship?
Ive apologised everyday.
Im a single parent with no help off her dad and also going through school refusal and EBSA right now which is a daily battle/struggle.
I vowed to never harm my child and emotionally I have, she’s 12 and I should never of reacted like that regardless of what was going on, my emotions are completely dysregulated with the stress of everything.

Are you getting support, ideally therapy for your self esteem being damaged by this?
Really feel for you. You deserve love and care just as much as your daughter does. You can both come through this.

"Im mentally exhausted, feel like the worst parent in the world"

You're human, like the rest of us. I, and many others I'm sure, have reacted in much worse ways when our children behave unacceptably.

I recently attended a small group session run by my local authority for parents suffering from child to parent violence - which is what you are experiencing. One of the nuggets I heard in the course was that "when entitlement outweighs responsibility, it creates the perfect scenario for abuse" - i e. excessive expectations by children of their parents brews child to parent violence. The course suggested several strategies for rebalancing the situation (also aking into account likely ASD profiles). Maybe your local authority may run something similar?

If it's behaviours in line with her cycle you could ask for her to be put on the pill? My DD16 is ASD and has terrible valve thoughts around parts of her cycle so has been on the pill around 3 years now. It does help her
Good luck

.... also is she on melatonin? Can the paediatrician increase the meds if so?

I have late diagnosed autism and adhd.

I also found out I have pmdd, apparently neurodiverse people really struggle around hormonal changes oe start of puberty, pregnancy, peri, menopause.

I found regulating hormones with birth control was the only way to fix the suchbig lows in the luteal phase

Look up when my autism broke