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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

9yo in puberty denial

26 replies

PenApple · 12/07/2018 09:13

Is there anything I can do to help her? She had breast buds age 8, now is 9 and has BO, greasy hair, pubic hair and definite breasts - I’m sure periods are imminent. She still has 3 years of primary school left so I guess when she does start I should tell the school?

She doesn’t seem embarrassed about it, just horrified & doesn’t walk to acknowledge or talk about it. She has some sensory issues with clothes & won’t wear crop top or bra. When changing at school she’ll wear a full vest, which isn’t great in the heat.

Should I just wait for her to bring up any issues with me? I don’t want to push her and make her more uncomfortable, but st the same time don’t want to leave her to it. I’ve given her an osbourne book but she won’t read it.

I think a big issue is she’s on the younger side and the only one in her year going through puberty, I think she already feels a bit awkward as at 5ft she’s much taller than all her friends.

OP posts:
Imchlibob · 12/07/2018 09:59

Puberty blocker medication does exist and is generally safe to be taken for a year or two to delay precocious puberty. (you may have seen other posts decrying the dangers of such medication but that's when it's used for a gender nonconforming child to try to stop puberty for many years e.g. to age 16 which can indeed be dangerous but you wouldn't be considering that). A couple of years to increase emotional maturity, get used to the idea of what is happening and importantly to have time for at least some of her peers to also be experiencing the same things could really help. See your GP.

PamsterWheel · 12/07/2018 10:37

Seriously? Your answer is to medicate with puberty blockers? Unbelievable

BounceAndClimb · 12/07/2018 10:45

Just keep it factual, eg you need to wear deodorant just like you need to wash your hair and brush your teeth. Get her involved in picking one she likes the smell of.
I would buy her some crop tops that you know she'll like the look of eg. Favourite colour or theme (my DD is obsessed with flamingos so if your DD has something similar that she likes it might encourage her to wear them.)

Original poster
PenApple · 12/07/2018 11:38

Not looking to block it, she’s within normal age ranges for it, albeit at the early side.

It’s hard as she’d rather wear clothes aimed more for boys, thinks pink and pretty is ‘disgusting’ etc. So crop tops would have to be pain white which isn’t very exciting. I did buy her some although they were more like training bras, but she flat out refused to even try them on.

She goes through bouts of OCD, presenting in different ways which I think the sensory stuff comes from. There’s only a handful of clothes she’ll happily wear, even underwear is uncomfy to her.

Also having trouble dealing with her mood swings and stubbornness but that’s a whole different thread 😬

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/07/2018 16:29

If she’s got sensory issues and OCD and stubbornness, has she got ASD too OP?

OddBoots · 12/07/2018 16:35

I know it isn't great in the heat but would she wear vests with 'hidden support'?

BluthsFrozenBananas · 12/07/2018 16:37

Nine isn't precocious puberty, it's on the lower end of the normal range (that's not to the op but the pp who suggested blockers).

The CBBC program Operation Ouch did a puberty special a couple of years ago. I watched it with DD and it opened up some useful conversations, it might still be on iplayer or on YouTube.

I know it's a bit different when you have a child with sensory issues, but with my DD deodorant and regular hair washing is non negotiable now she's started puberty, the rest, shaving, wearing a bra (she doesn't need one yet) and whatever else is up to her.

Comeonmommy · 12/07/2018 16:45

Just a thought but my daughter hates crop tops but loves wearing sports bras as these feel ‘sporty’ rather than ‘pretty’

JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/07/2018 16:45

We’ve got a really stubborn DD op and we’ve had to insist on regular showers and hair washing too. She’s asked for a roll on deodorant this week, I have a slight suspicion that she thinks wearing deodorant means she doesn’t have to shower so often, she may get disabused of that quite quickly though Smile

As for the Usborne book, have you suggested reading it to her or with her?

Original poster
PenApple · 12/07/2018 17:05

Funny you should say that jilted I only wondered that myself last week after reading a thread on here about how asd presents differently in boys and girls. It had never even entered my mind before and school etc have never brought it up - but maybe she could be slightly on the spectrum? We’ve always just thought she was quirky - which she may well be!

A sports bra might be the way to go if I can find a seamless one that won’t irritate her. I’ve just ordered some more crop tops, they were cheap so I’ll get her to at least try one on (maybe bribery...) and if she doesn’t like it fair enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
PenApple · 12/07/2018 17:07

She showers every 1-2 days, even if it’s 2 days she get very mad at being told to go for one. She half heartedly puts deodorant on when I tell her to, but can’t smell she needs it so she doesn’t think to wear it.

I did offer to read the book with her but she said no thank you... I think she wants to put her fingers in her ears and shout lalalala. When she was pulling faces about pubic hair I said everyone gets it, even boys - she actually said can you stop talking now Hmm

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 12/07/2018 20:54

From what I’ve read on here, periods seem to be about 2 years after breasts. I don’t know if that’s right though.

Boatsnack3 · 12/07/2018 21:18

Primark do seamless sports crop tops in the kids section they are the only ones my 9 year old will wear. I have a couple of "sports bras" from there that are seamless/non wired they'd be useless for actual sport but I like them for sleeping. They adult 4/6 might fit ok.

QueenOlives · 12/07/2018 22:12

To make crop tops more interesting you could get plain white ones and tie dye them. Some cool dark purples or bright greens. Might have a different appeal.

Glaciferous · 13/07/2018 07:50

H&M do really nice sports bras for girls which are basically crop tops. My 11 year old hates anything too girly and loves these. They are a sporty style so black and white with 'get ready' on the front etc. DD also says they are more comfortable than other crop tops we have tried, too. Might be worth a look.

www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.0558787001.html

DropZoneOne · 13/07/2018 07:56

M&S do sporty crop tops that are seamless.

My DD is 10 and I've been on period-watch for a year already! Like yours, she was upset at her body changing at first, but has gradually come to terms with it. It's hard being the first in your class.

We changed to using soap for showering a couple of months ago, and it's reduced the BO considerably so if she won't wear deodorant you could try that?

Original poster
PenApple · 13/07/2018 08:32

Thanks for the suggestions I’ll take them on board, and will give her soap for shower.

I don’t think she’d wear those H&M tops as they have thin straps which generally irritate her, when she wears vests it’s the thick strapped ones from the boys section. Not near a primark but will look online (if you can buy online?) and we have a local M&S so I should get down there and have a look with her, although she’ll protest!

With the crop tops would darker ones show up under her white school polo shirt? I think she’d be conscious of that. Although the polo’s are thick.

I can remember being very embarrassed going through puberty at 11/12 and not wanting to talk to my mum about it, I don’t want her to be the same so trying to keep it casual and not a big deal, but it’s harder as she’s ignoring it.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 13/07/2018 08:42

If she is on the autistic spectrum, she may well be horrified by all the gendered baggage that comes with growing up female in a patriarchal society. Who in their right mind would be happy at the prospect of periods, discrimination, being judged wholly on appearance, being labelled as the inferior sex, being expected to defer to males, being patronised, bullied, groped and sexually assaulted?
It might help her to meet some feminists and some other autistic girls, so she can find some role models of positive feisty womanhood.

Glaciferous · 13/07/2018 09:53

Have a look at the other H&M ones. There are also some with much thicker straps. The one I linked to is the one DD says is most comfortable - and she also tends to choose vests from the boys' department 90% of the time.

RoseDog · 13/07/2018 11:36

My dd was similar about puberty and personal hygiene and an earlyish puberty. She has some mild SEN and I know all dc are different but for us bluntness works we just has to be factual and blunt and sugar coat nothing. She's 15 now and much more accepting of growing up, I think when her peers caught up with her she accepted it more.

Although bras are still an issue Confused

Boatsnack3 · 13/07/2018 22:23

My dd has some asda ones that are similar to the Primark ones, she doesn't like these as much because they have pink on the band and she doesn't do pink but they are white, seamless and racer back so might work for you.

Dd will only use roll on but we have managed to work it into her routine. However her disability means I am still very involved with personal care. I hope you manage to find something that helps.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 14/07/2018 18:35

Drop that’s interesting about the soap, I swapped a bit ago and my skin is much less dry. I may persuade DD to try it.

@PenApple I had a little chat about deodorant not replacing showers but having to do both, she was not impressed Grin

KateGrey · 14/07/2018 18:41

My dds are 9 and 8. Younger of the two has asd. Sadly we have to be blunt about washing and showers as neither would bother. Youngest also has some sensory issues too.

upsideup · 14/07/2018 19:01

DD1 who has OCD and sensory issues started puberty at 8 as well though luckily her period didnt start untill she was in year 7.
I introduced washing her armpits and face into her morning routine which to begin with I did for her so she only had to fully shower every few days. She would also only wear Nike sports bra/crop tops which a bit expensive but good quality with thick straps and much more sporty than girly.
Is your dd bothered by her body hair or already removing it?