My children are driving me crazy - literally

[friendlessme]

I am at my wits end. They are far more difficult than they ever were when they were little, and they were pretty bad then. I love them to bits and one to one they are generally gorgeous. Put them in a room together and they are so irritating! They are either being really nasty to each other and arguing or they get into this stupid state as if they are drunk and won’t stop. They won’t listen or stop and I have tried everything. They don’t ever change despite punishments, losing their computer time, me shouting (which I hate- and they take notice for about two seconds and then resume). I have tried talking calmly, giving them time outs. I would never physically punish them and they are too big anyway. I really am at a loss what to do and feeling desperate.

How old are they? Can you send them outside to play? Physical exercise will help.

They are 8 and 12. They do loads of sport and yes part of the problem is they have so much energy. And exceptionally loud voices. A lot of the time to them they are just having a laugh and a joke, but it is relentless. If they go out to play there is a bit of respite but it generally doesn’t last long as they end up falling out.

How old are they?

It sounds as though they need more time apart, then they might have less invested in arguing with each other. Arguing is, I suspect, a way of negotiating the development of their separate identities, their relative positions in the family, their own sibling relationship.

The way forward is to provide them with opportunities to work those things out positively, rather than negatively.

What clubs and activities do they do? More of those will probably mean more time apart and a way to feel confident about who they are and their interests without having to work those things out through arguing with a sibling.

Place within the family: what roles do they have? How much tie does each have to spend with you? Can you use up some of that energy by giving them a household responsibility (and that, of course, can mean less housework for the adults).

In a way, it doesn't sound altogether awful for the long run. It may be driving you mad now but I'm amazed they actually talk to each other/spend time together. We had to institute a family meal + film to out two to spend significant time in a room together.

Do they spend time with other friends? At 8 and 12 they will fall out.

Mind you, I still think it's probably a really good thing (and amazing, frankly) that they actually spend time together, however painful it is right now.

Thanks for your replies. They are really good friends in between the falling out, but that is half the problem, at the dinner table, in the car they are constantly arsing about to get a laugh out of each other and they are so annoying and loud, I get really irritable from the noise. But if I leave them to it they just get stupider and stupider. And they won’t stop when asked, sent out etc! I feel powerless to know how to get some control in those situation because nothing works and I am increasingly on the verge of losing my shit!

I was just about to put up my own post with the same thing. I too am at the end of my tether and feel so stressed. I love my two dc with every cell in my body but they are driving me to the point of madness! Mine are roughly the same age, 9 yr old dd and 12 yr old ds, they clash, a lot. Ds loves to wind up dd and she is forever screaming at him, last night she was hysterical, when I asked her what on earth was wrong it was because ds had sprayed his deodorant in her room, you would have thought he'd left a severed pigs head in her room the way she was screaming!! You have my total sympathy it is so mentally and physically draining

And when they are apart my youngest doesn’t know what to do with himself as he likes to be constantly entertained by his older brother. They do a lot of activities because it is preferable driving them here there and everywhere to being in the house with them. I just feel like I almost can’t stand being in their company and I hate it!

Twoweek - thanks, it is comforting to know I am not alone but I am so stressed all the time, I must be a horrible mother!

I know you say you've talked to them about this but have you had a sit down, explained specifically what you find wearing (that it starts out as fun exchange, then escalates into unpleasantness/ a fight that you have to sort out) - and then asked them a. why that's not OK as bahaviour and b. what they think they can do to stop that happening?

Basically, you want them to think about boundaries, about recognising when things are going too far. You want them to name and recognise warning signs and stop before the point where you have to intervene.

If you get them to start doing that, they may actually be quite good at it in a year's time (by which time you will be so tired of it, you may no longer care/have taken to permanently hiding in a wardrobe).

I have tried sitting them down and explaining but they are hell bent on doing what they want, they are rude and disrespectful and I don’t know how to stop that. Sometimes they respond and say all the right things in a calm conversation (especially one to one) but then together it all goes out of the window. I have literally had to send one of them away from the dinner table every day for the last two weeks for being rude, or for ridiculous behaviour.

My goodness there has got to be a way to sort this out, I’ve come on here for what seems very simelar reasons, I’ve 3 DC’s, DS9. DD8 and DD6, they play really well together most of the time, if they do fall out it’s short lived, but the times I need them to be calmer ie meal times and bed times their messing on has become rediculous, to a point where I’m exhausted by constantly asking them to calm down, I have a headache after every meal, bed times I try to keep them in their own rooms and listen to their reading and read to the alone, takes a good couple of hours but stories together are just disasterois for me. Again they just ignore me, to a point where I’m considering feeding them at different times. I’ve just bought a couple of parenting books to see if that can give me any insight.... will let you know how I get on and I’m the mean time if you find anything that helps I’m all ears!

Ah user it is some comfort that it is not just me! When I talk to them about the mealtimes they say ‘We are just having fun!’ Same in the car but I try to explain there is a time and a place etc but it falls on deaf ears and I am so sick of the sound of my voice and feeling stressed and cross all the time!

Yep completely, I’ve tried to explain that though it is great that they mess around and have a laugh together there are time when it isn’t appropriate and a different sort of behaviour ie good conversation is appropriate, mine know just choose to do what they want anyway! I know that they don’t want to upset me but they don’t seem to put the whole picture together grrhhh!!!

Do we have the same children friend?

Mine are 10 & 9 and and frankly tearaways at home. But utterly perfect at school. Neither carrots or sticks or talking to them works. I spend a lot of time separating fights.

The only good thing is that I'm off work sick for a couple of weeks so I'm going to try and improve things .