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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

What do you expect from your preteen?

18 replies

not2oldnot2young · 15/08/2017 17:36

My DS is 11 years old, almost 12.

He is asked to keep his room tidy, put his dirty clothes / underwear in the laundry basket, make his bed and open his curtains each morning. That's all.... yet he feels he is hard done by and shouldn't have any 'chores'

Apparently his friends of the same age and similar ages don't have to do any of these things, not only do I doubt this being true, I'm also certain that other preteens are asked to do much more!

Please share, what do you expect from your preteen?

OP posts:
TheGirlOnTheLanding · 15/08/2017 17:41

Sounds familiar!

Our DDs (asked to do similar to your DS, which I think is a bare minimum) but moan about the unfairness of keeping rooms tidy. I've come to the conclusion I should actually raise my expectations and plan to start them on dishwashing/drying, veg prep and similar duties after the summer holidays. They're more than capable at this age. My main problem is DH who prefers to do a task than watch a slow, clumsy attempt. I think we need to look to the long game!

Original poster
not2oldnot2young · 15/08/2017 17:49

Yes, he is def more than capable and didn't want me to phone his friends parents to ask them what their DC have to do... funny that!

OP posts:
ofudginghell · 15/08/2017 17:51

Lol at this thread purely because over the last week or so I have been getting my just 12 yr old dd to actually get off her arse and contribute to family house running in general Grin

Today we had to take her older db(19 and looking for an apprenticeship but not looking well so just had a boot up the arse this weekend)to drop some cvs off to places,she then had to participate in actually helping to place food she helps eat on the conveyer belt and then into the bags whilst older db carried said bags to the boot Grin
She had an hour down time within which she asked what was for lunch and I told her to make herself a sandwich rather than eating crap that doesn't need making Grin
Both her and older db then had to partake in walking the family dogs that they love so much and help to put their deposits in the bins provided. Smile
She has also this afternoon helped prep the veg and get everything in the oven and then back out,plates up and served along with obligatory cutlery and drinks 😁

Oh and she also helped to clean out the lovely fluffy rabbit she so wanted 😁
On a more serious not though me and dh are making a conscious effort to get them all doing more to help.
We both work full time (dh upto 55/60 hrs a week right now)and often me and dh don't actually sit down to eat our tea until 10pm some nights as we get in and they've been festering and doing bugger all all day and I have lost patience.

It will do them no harm but all good to learn the dynamics and basics of family life and how to run a home and multi task so I say get them involved 😁

OlennasWimple · 15/08/2017 17:54

A timely thread - we've been having the same conversation with our 12yo DS...

the deal I have reached with him is that I won't hassle him about his room provided:

  • I can walk across it
  • dirty clothes are in the laundry basket (I bought a new one for him to use, that is much closer to the bathroom than the household one, in an effort to help on this front)
  • the bed is made each day (not perfect, just straightened)
  • clean clothes are put away
  • he can find important things when they are needed

So far it's working, but I don't know how long that will last....

AGrinWithoutACat · 15/08/2017 17:57

11 and 12 year old here
Basics are - room kept tidy, clothes away, bed stripped and remade once a week, dirty cloths in the bag, last one down brings the dirty washing with them

Make own breakfast / packed lunch
All dirty dishes by the sink
Lay the table for dinner/clear afterwards
After a weekly shop they are responsible for taking it in and putting it all away
Help watch their younger sister while I or their dad hangs the washing out / take it in, empty the dishwasher (or do those jobs for us)
Will ask them to help tidy up after the little one, Hoover occasionally, play with DD while I do something
Weeding if I decide they need the fresh air away from screens

We are a family in a family home they are expected to muck in (it doesn't stop the whining but changing the wifi password/ turning off internet access gets jobs done quick Grin)

BackforGood · 15/08/2017 17:58

That is a fairly basic level of contribution.
Mine were expected to each contribute something at evening meal time -each one would cook the evening meal 1 x a week, the ones that weren't cooking would be expected to come and lay the table / get everyone a drink, or to empty the dishwasher. Everyone is expected to clear up after themselves, and load things into the dishwasher. Obviously, by that age get their own breakfasts and lunches.

Original poster
not2oldnot2young · 15/08/2017 18:00

Well to be fair to DS he is doing what's been asked (bed making not perfect but happy with the effort) he just moans about it afterwards along with telling me that his friends don't have to and they get pocket money for doing nothing!! (Oh and they get more pocket money than him! 🙄)

I'm clearly so cruel to this poor boy 😂

How much pocket money do you give your DC at this age?

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 15/08/2017 18:14

My DD (12) has to make sure her room is tidy once a week before the cleaner comes. She makes her own breakfast and lunch. However putting things in into the dishwasher is my current battle, with her and her DB. They are beginning to learn that if they bring washing downstairs it will be washed, dried and neatly folded for them to put it away. They both get £80 a month each. This is for their fares to school, school lunches if they can't be bothered to make a packed lunch, all the extra-curricular they do and any non essential fashion items. They still get it during the school holidays but I reckon I am better off as I am not handing out notes from which I never see the change.

TheGirlOnTheLanding · 15/08/2017 18:16

Another bone of contention (we are stingy apparently). She gets a tenner a month to spend as she pleases, with a bonus when we go on holiday, but on top of that we pay her magazine subscription and will be paying for her phone when she gets one at Christmas (as well as occasional treats like books, sweets, etc). I don't see the need to increase it because along with birthday and holiday money DC always seem to have plenty cash in their piggy banks! I try not to compare with their friends as I know several have iPhones etc which mine aren't going to get so we do what suits us and we can afford and discourage comparisons when they are raised.

TheGirlOnTheLanding · 15/08/2017 18:17

We still pay for fares, school lunches etc.

Dancinginthemidnight · 15/08/2017 18:25

Ds is 11 and he has to keep his room tidy and clean it once a week. He has different jobs every day. Some days is washing up, others tidying the garden, tidying the living room, drying up etc. He gets £15 a month pocket money.

OlennasWimple · 15/08/2017 18:26

A tenner a month doesn't sound overly generous.... But maybe it would feel like more if you gave her more and let her buy her own things?

OlennasWimple · 15/08/2017 18:28

My test for pocket money is what is expected to be bought from it (eg magazines) and how long it would take to save up for it / whether that is reasonable. Eg I don't think it's reasonable to expect them to have to save four weeks' pocket money to be able to buy a fortnightly magazine, which will have disappeared from the shops by the time that they have the money

Original poster
not2oldnot2young · 15/08/2017 18:53

My DS gets £5 a week on a Saturday but also has a change box where we put spare change into all the time, usually anything 50p and below. He counts this once a month and usually has an extra £15-£20 in there. At the minute he is trying to save that money and just spend his pocket money.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 15/08/2017 21:44

At 12, mine got £12 per month.
We paid 'subs' for things they went to. They had dinner money each day (so, if didn't want pudding, or chose a jacket potato, say rather than a full meal, they kept the change), however, we've never paid for their phones. They've all managed. They are all quite busy dc though - lots of weekends away with Scouts / sport etc so never have time to 'hang out in coffee shops' not that any of them drink coffee.

Florabella · 11/09/2017 18:18

My ten yr old has to:
Keep bedroom tidy
Put her own washing in laundry
Hang up washing (if on clothes airer)
Hoover when asked
Walk dog at weekend
Set table and clear table
Any other random jobs I think of!

She gets £3 per week. She also does another job that helps with my business which she gets £3 for each time she does it. (Takes her about an hour)

Runningpear · 12/09/2017 22:01

Could have written this myself, my 12 yo had an enormous tantrum about the unfairness of being asked to empty the dishwasher yesterday.
We have quite low expectations I think;
dirty clothes in basket, sports kits near washing machine, plates & cups in kitchen after use, blazer & tie hung up after school, bags & shoes tidied, look after own school kit.
Asking to strip his bed causes a 15 minute winge, will quite happily hoover, car washing or gardening though.

MumsGoneToIceland · 13/09/2017 03:33

Dds (10 and 7) are supposed to:

  • make bed and tidy room
  • set and clear the table
  • tidy away after themselves
  • feed the fish (take turns)
  • wipe bathroom surfaces (take turns)

2.50 per week pocket money atm

I have to remind them Daily of their responsibilities

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