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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

Is this normal stuck in alone all day 11 year old

23 replies

rubberdubber1970 · 31/10/2015 20:18

My dd aged 11 has been sat by herself in her room all day watching YouTube videos playing mine craft.
My husband has been sat watching the TV all day in the lounge. I have been by my self in the den reading my book bored stiff

Some of her friends have just come round trick or treating. She hasn't carved a pumpkin or shown any interest in doing anything.

I totally despair. Every activity - every holiday is booked by me. We wouldn't do anything otherwise.

She doesn't contact anyone unless I nag her.

I have been looking at her instagram account and all I see are kids dressed up having fun

Is this normal behaviour for a girl / family
How do I change things when no one else seems to care

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Wineandpopcorn · 31/10/2015 20:23

Sounds just like my son! Sorry no advice, but I hope someone comes along soon with some!

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Palomb · 31/10/2015 20:26

Mine would do this if I let her but I try to limit screen time. There are days when she would play mine craft all day but most of the time I pull the plug and make her go and do real things. Screens are addictive. I think a lot of adults have problems with it, I know I do. I guess you just have to be strict and turn them off after a prescribed time.

Wrt days out and stuff. It's the same here.. If I don't plan it then no-one would. If it was down to dh we'd never go anywhere and the kids would never do anything.

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Artandco · 31/10/2015 20:29

Why didn't you all go out even for a walk if all doing nothing?

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WildStallions · 31/10/2015 20:30

Sounds normal to me.

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WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 31/10/2015 20:33

14yo dd is like this. Though she hasn't got any friends in real life, all her friends are Internet friends so she spends all her time talking to them online and they play minecraft together.

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yeOldeTrout · 31/10/2015 20:33

We have loose rules about have to go out certain amounts.
It started out as a matching thing: 1 hour of Minecraft for every hour out, but has evolved into looser "Just get out plenty & we won't limit Minecraft from 8am-8pm"
As long as I bring favourite snacks, seem to be successful.

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TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 31/10/2015 20:40

11 is still young enough for you to plan to encourage things.
I plan all holidays and days out too. Dh will encourage sports, bike rides and meals out.

I also find it seems normal that the kids often would rAther stay at home on the Xbox or whatever than go out but always enjoy themselves once they're out.

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holeinmyheart · 31/10/2015 20:44

I wouldn't worry. Your DD is who she is and will do as she wishes and become whoever, despite what you think or do. I think her behaviour is normal for some 11 yr olds.

I had one like this and despite my efforts to drag her out of her room to Piano lessons, theatre group, gymnastics, etc , nothing made her more animated.

She is now a married woman with a child. She works efficiently at a very good job( as she was very clever at school but didn't kill herself studying) she gets excited about very little. Because She is not me, I might as well have saved my breath when she was younger. She is an introvert.

She is now happily married and when I go to her house no one says much. They live a very quiet uneventful life, but they are happy and it is their life. She is amazingly content.
I love her to bits even though She is totally different to me.

I honestly would leave off stressing and stop organising them if it bugs you.
I organised all the activities/ holidays when my DCs were young but that was because I am a energetic goer.

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jelliebelly · 31/10/2015 20:46

At 11 I think she is still too young to organise a social life without your help. We limit screen time and if we are all at a loose end dh and I will make a point of getting out of the house - not good for anybody being stuck indoors all day

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mrsplum2015 · 31/10/2015 21:16

You sound very fed up. Your life sounds like the opposite of mine at the moment as my other dc are younger, and I dream of the day i will sit reading all day but I can see you might feel a bit lonely and bored yourself?

If allowed to, many dc would spend all day on a screen. I rarely allow my dc to do that (my oldest is an 11yo dd).

My dd is always out and about but very much encouraged by me. I will suggest activities she might be interested in. I also get in touch with her friends mums and arrange things (if dd wants to do something). She is involved in a lot of sport.

Is there a friendship issue because if all her friends are celebrating / trick or treating it seems odd that she's not?

At 11 I still think they need a lot of prompting. So I would ask a couple of weeks in advance what they want to do then follow up asking about costumes etc.

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Doilooklikeatourist · 31/10/2015 21:35

Why didn't you do something ?
Stuck in , bored reading ??
A grown woman ?
It's a Saturday , surely there was something better to do
Do something next weekend , shes 11 , you're in charge

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Lweji · 31/10/2015 21:38

Sounds like my 20 yo DS, but then I'm happy to be quiet doing my thing MNetting at home.

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Lweji · 31/10/2015 21:38

Fat fingers...
10!

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alicemalice · 31/10/2015 21:41

I was very like this at 11 years old. Now I'm out doing stuff constantly.

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Dancergirl · 01/11/2015 11:57

I never understand these posts about dc spending all day playing games/on youtube. For goodness sake, YOU are the parent, set some limits. You can't make her do stuff but you can set firm ground rules on screen time and stick to them.

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yeOldeTrout · 01/11/2015 17:48

Hmmm... how did mine get quite screen-focused.

Teen DS1 was bullied in school, he has safer relationships online. He has learnt to build computers & his actual GCSEs (if he did any work, ha!) are very computer based. Plus teens only really like going out if you spend heaps of money on them, I find.

Teen DD works very hard at school & jolly well deserves her doss time.

Preteen DS is full on. When he's not on a screen he's in your face (or someone's face). His screens give us all a break also when he goes to the loo for 10 minutes. He can also walk for hours all day if in the right mood and fed enough junk food. Walking all day takes a lot of my time, too, of course.

Young DS is excellent at playing alone, but he likes to watch the others on their screens. He's a really low energy kid & takes a lot of effort to get him out & chivvied along for walks.

When I was about 10-11 I used to watch 6 hours of TV a day. It didn't last forever, I am keener than anybody else in the house to get out a lot everyday.

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JustDanceAddict · 05/11/2015 09:27

Can you take her out? I sometimes do that with one of mine if they are just in front of youtube or whatever all day. Fine to chill for a bit, but there's only so much screen you can do without going loopy!
We will go shopping, to the park (with DS on his skateboard, DD too old), DH will take them on the bikes, out for lunch, etc. They are old enough to go out together on their own, although haven't done this yet but we would drop them at the cinema if we were desperate (still a screen, but out of the house).

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JustDanceAddict · 05/11/2015 09:29

holeinmyheart you talk sense!

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holeinmyheart · 07/11/2015 21:10

Wow thanks JustDanceAddict
However, my DCs still make jokes about my efforts trying to make them have piano lessons and stick at practising. They were so good at playing as well, but their hearts were not in it. They make similar jokes about being taken ( dragging in their opinion) to NT properties.

I used to bribe them on Piano lesson day with chocolate.( they got very little normally) Eventually however it needed a whole Cadburys chocolate factory production for the day, to get them into the car. So I had to give up.

It is utterly hopeless trying to force teenage children to do something. I have friends who are out Orienteering every weekend and none of their children now go or show any enthusiasm for it.
The thing is that your children are NOT YOU.
I have to remember this fact myself
All mine turned out all right in the end, despite my efforts. I just hope I haven't done a Larkin's Parent on them. I beg their forgiveness now.

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hypermum1 · 08/11/2015 15:42

So glad I came across this thread as I've been having this chat with my kids today! They are 10 and 12. The 10 yr old is out doing kick boxing and footy but the 12 year old who used to kick box is now in all weekend. Either online or watching telly. I ve told him I m happy to give him money to go to the cinema or swimming or whatever but he won't.

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Dancergirl · 08/11/2015 23:24

The thing is that your children are NOT YOU This is very true BUT....it is unhealthy to stay cooped up in a bedroom all day glued to a screen. You can't force your teens to do stuff they don't want to do but you can (and should) set some ground rules regarding screens.

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Charley50 · 09/11/2015 12:27

Hi, I came on pre-teens looking for threads on just this topic. My DS and DP would happily spend all day glued to screens. It is a drag trying to get them enthusiastic about doing anything, walks, bike rides, museums whatever unless it involves eating, which is fine by me, but doesn't take very long. I don't want to force them...
It find it really draining. I also worry that my DS isn't making friends at his new school. He says he is, so not to worry, but I'd like him to invite people to ours, or go to theirs.
Is he too old for me to take charge and organize a few 'playdates' for him?

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Oxfordblue · 09/11/2015 21:27

My DD is yr 8 & whilst she doesn't make games she does like Pinterest & if left will spend hours on it along with YouTube.

Unfortunately for her I don't allow & just switch the Internet off, then she comes downstairs.

In school hols i sign them up for a 2 hr activity if no plans, I arrange play dates for them (other dd is 9 & more outgoing).

We also take them to Parkrun where DD1 will run 5k, sometimes DD2 does it. Otherwise it's 2k Parkrun in a Sunday, walk the dog & the rest of the day is relaxing etc.

I don't think watching TV is quite the same as screen time though.

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