10year old daughterer tearing family apart

[sarahheydon]

Im desperate and completely lost. I have just moved into a house with my daughter and boyfriend (not her father) she has been stealing almost non stop for this entire year and had been grounded almost that entire time as a result of it. She is stealing completely pointless things and when asked why she doesnt know. She then gets grounded and either gets very angry and aggressive and refusing to do anything we ask or she cries as though she is the victim. My partner is usually the brunt of her anger and she will not listen to anything he asks of her. We are told she hates regularly. We have tried a talk book, family meetings, one on one time too discuse behaviour, llocking doors inin thethe house, shouting but nothing has worked. I am completely lost and depressed, my partner's is on the verge of walking out and I'm don't know what to do

I am surprised you have decided to move into together at this time when you dd is obviously dealing with some serious emotional/behavioural problems. Have you had any outside help?

At only 10 she obviously needs some help to work through whatever is causing her to behave like this. Have you spoken to your doctor about any kind of counselling for her? I'd wait to move in with your boyfriend and give her some time and attention to help deal with her issues first.

We (my partner and I have known eachother for 8 years and have been together just shy of 2 years), decided it was time, and allow me to get my daughter to a nicer house, area and school while still remaining close to her old friends. She is very excited to be in her old childhood home (our new place is also our first home) and she is very happy to be back in her old school. It was the best thing for us all as a family. We have had her with a counsellor for 18 montha anand we had an appointment with CAMHS but they deemed her 'normal and fine'

OP, in the kindest possible way, have you noticed that your dd's problems appear to coincide with the period since you got together with your boyfriend?

Your boyfriend walking away would be an act of kindness. You must put your DD first, she needs you.

Fair enough. Was hoping for some advice to help make my family work. Thanks anyway

I don't have any advice but I'm so sorry this is so difficult. I think 10-13 is such a hormonal time for girls, I remember being more rageful then than at 15/16. I hope you find a way to make your family work.

I would be concerned about your Dd, you can make a family work some other time. She sounds like she needs you a lot. Speak to her teacher also. If that's your partner's level of commitment it may be a good thing that he's going. But be sure that your Dd thinks the problems are between you and absolutely nothing to do with her.

Stealing is quite common in kids affected by divorce, I think. It's symbolic of not feeling they have enough security/love. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad - we had it with dss and dn. the only answer is to focus on increasing her feelings of self-worth and security by spending lots of gentle loving time together. That probably has to become a priority over your dp, but you may find that things ease there naturally.

Firstly I want to say it sounds as though the house move was done with the best of intentions.

CAMHS decision will be based on the fact that your DD has no mental health issues leading to the situation you are in, but it does sound as though DD is in need of counselling to help her work through her emotions. Your GP and DD's School may ge able to refer you to services, your local authority will also offer a CAF Team/Early Help Team who will also be able to provide support.

moving house is always traumatic, and it sounds like this, as well as probably other things as well as affected your daughter very deeply. Stealing silly things for no reason at all is a huge red flag of serious emotional disturbance. There is very little point of attempting to guess here what has caused this in your dd, but clearly the relationship between her and your partner is not working, and to be fair, there is no reason why it should. One person loving two people who are complete strangers to each other is never any indication of whether those two people could tolerate living under the same roof.

I agree she needs love and attention, rather than punishment. She is very young still.

I dont believe that the upheaval of a break up would be beneficial to anyone. I am all for one on one time but having a partner walk away would not help, either my happiness or hers. I think she may end up having feelings of guilt or feeling that an adult has abandoned her.
For the people who think that I should kick my partner out, does this then ever get better? Do I get to have a relationship or no I then stay single til she leave home, meaning I don't get to have more family. While I fully believe that she is my main priority I don't believe that she should be ruling the roost and dictating how our entire I've is run. I don't believe that teaching her that the way to solve a problem is to remove a human from the equation. I'm not professing to know hpw to handel this but having 2 adults with a broken heart, a child with feeling of guilt and being abandoned can't be the solution you all think will help surely

Listen to your daughter, she is telling you how unhappy she is through her actions and behaviour.

I would absolutely put distance between your new partner and her and see if her behaviour improves.

I don't agree that the DP should walk out. The child shouldn't be stealing, full stop. She probably wants him gone and by him leaving it's rewarding her negative behaviour.
I've been through this with DP's DD although she had just turned 14. It caused years of distress for me and I had no backup from DP, just excuses made on why his DD was behaving appallingly towards me. I nearly left many a time, I still find it difficult to have a relationship with her at times. It's hard to forget all she said.

I'd suggest what I did, I disengaged from voicing any opinion, having any say on discipline and did my own thing when she was around. Not easy for your DP as you all live together. Is there an additional space for time out from each other if need be?

I'm not a fan of the softly softly approach with the stealing, but 100% there for her re. the emotions and the upset if she needed to talk. Hard to know what to do, my Dsis has threatened my DN with a visit from the police if his behaviour (threatening, aggressive and shouting at her) didn't stop. It proper put the shits up him.

Can your DP have a scheduled one night a week where he goes out? Then they both will know that is their one me time where they're guaranteed the other won't be around. Just a suggestion. I have no DCs but have worked for years as a qualified child carer.

I don't necessarily think it means you can never live with a partner,but it definitely seems that the problems started when this partner came on the scene.

She won't feel 'abandoned' if someone she clearly detests (for whatever reason) leaves,so please don't even try to say you are staying with him partly for that reason.Childrens actions speak louder than their words....and her actions are very clearly telling you she has a major problem.I really can't understand why you went ahead with moving in with him without this being sorted first.Please don't be one of those Mothers who puts having a man higher in their list of priorities than dealing with a child who is disturbed by that mans' presence.

It sounds very stressful. What is she stealing? It is a cry for help. She probably is not capable of articulating what is wrong. Would it be possible for her to have counselling at school? An experienced counsellor would be very helpful in finding out why she is unhappy.

Why do you think she's stealing?
What do you think is making her so unhappy?
Spend time with her alone and have a real heart to heart with her. Sometimes bedtime is good time. Get in bed with her, give her a cuddle and see if you can chat.
Take her out for a walk and lunch somewhere and have a chat.
Until you know how she's feeling about things, you can't take steps to improve things.
She needs lots of attention, cuddles and physical contact not punishments. She needs to feel connected to you again as she's obviously very unhappy and insecure.

There seems to be a lot of overreaction here.

Major adjustment time for your DD. There are hiccups. That doesn't mean you suddenly need to dump your dp.

What is your DD stealing? Do you have a pocket money/reward system in place from which you can get her to pay you back for anything she steals. also is it something specific (sweets/biscuits) you can remove until she settles down. Bear in mind children in "together" households often go through phrases of stealing especially food.

Was camhs referral specifically for this behaviour issue or are there other things going on as well.

Start to separate off in your DD's mind the emotion, eg being upset about something, and the behaviour ie stealing . So You are upset, you need to talk to me. Punish the behaviour but keep talking about the emotion. Talk about good responses to emotion and bad (ie one's that take your pain out on other people )

Give some thought to "love bombing". Of couse have one-to-one times together (ideally whole days including eating together) but let your dp do this too. Without you. Enable them to find common ground and interests so they have something in common other than you.

Make sure you are all still having fun times together

You shouldn't be expected not to a have a new relationship. Especially one as stable as yours clearly is

More suggestions:

Have photos up of you your DD and dp, not just the posed altogether shots but "ninja shots" of people having fun together when they are caught in a moment and don't necessarily know. The ones you can point up on the wall at and say "that was an awesome day". Also Photo albums of family holidays.

If it makes sense you need to help DD write a positive narrative of her life, ideally including your dp.

You don't say whether your dd's dad is still in the picture. That can be having an impact either way.

yeah that sounds great, it's something we used to do but bad behaviour ended up preventing it. My partner would go out for the evening and it would be our girlie night

Thank you fackinell. It sounds like you feel the same as me. I dont feel like she should be rewarded for bad behaviour, I think throwing out my partner would mean we have to move house and school again, I think that would show confusion on my part as that would be misplaced discipline

Toffeelatteplease
that's a great idea about pictures!!!! II'm going to do that. Maybe a visual of us ad a family and them ass a family may remind her that she is loved by both of us and that they have a connection too!